Vice Versa

“Baby, hit me one more time…” Alice sang along to Britney Spears as she swung her masculine body to the beat. She donned a pink apron that stretched over her prominent chest and only reached past her crotch. As her punishment from her ‘wife’, she had to do housework. As of now, she was scrubbing the kitchen bench as the radio blared out Britney Spears.

“My loneliness is killin’ me, and I must confess I still believe…” She shook her ass as she sprayed more Windex to the marble bar. She had to say, Britney Spears were a guilty pleasure of hers. She yelped and jumped as she felt something slide around her legs. It was Tholomew. He jumped on the kitchen bar, leaving behind muddy paw prints on the freshly cleaned surface.

“Fuck you, Jimmy! I just got them cleaned!” Alice hissed, trying to push off the offending cat. He simply gave a smile as he dodged Alice’s gloved hands. He sat as soon as Alice gave up. He stared at her with a very amused face.

“What are ya starin’ at?” Alice raised her eyebrow. Jimmy eyed her from head to toe. Alice followed his line of sight before giving a chuckle of realisation. She was a dude dressing like a housewife.

“Whatever. It’s fun.” She flicked her hand to the cat before going back to dance. Tholomew began to hum along to the music, nodding his head.

“When I’m not with you I lose my mind, Give me a sign. Hit me baby, one more time!” Alice sang in rhythm to Jimmy before posing in a dramatic finish with the Windex spray bottle. A cough broke her from the music. She jumped and gave a high pitch yelp before turning around.

“Sometimes I really wonder about you.” Matt chuckled, taking a seat on the kitchen bar.

“You! You’re… you’re a creeper! Don’t creep on me.” Alice stuttered, pointing an accusatory finger at the muscular man.

“Sent to the doghouse, eh?” he said, chuckling. Alice gave a dejected nod. Brian burst in the room, picked up an unsuspecting Tholomew and marched out without a second glance to either of them. Brian had been giving Alice the silent treatment. He was becoming more of a woman than she thought.

“I don’t know what was up with her. Is she really your cousin?” Matt leant in over the bar. Alice gave a sigh.

“Don’t talk about her like that. She is… in a bad place in her life. Just leave her alone. And yes, she is really my cousin.” She said, rolling her eyes.

“How would you know that she is actually your cousin? I mean, your memory got wiped. She could be a fan taking advantage of us.”

Alice scoffed. “She never have had heard of us before I picked her up.”

“People can lie.”

“Look… just leave her alone. Okay?” Alice convinced him. He grudgingly agreed, nodding. Suddenly the radio blared Lady Gaga. Alice got to dance before noticing Matt’s disapproving face. He shook his head. Alice hung her head and pouted. She focused on scrubbing the bench, occasionally humming “Can’t read my, no, can’t read my p-p-p-pokerface…” much to Matt’s dismay.

With a loud meow, Tholomew tracked mud across the freshly cleaned wooden floor of the kitchen that adjoined the large living room. Alice growled. She dove to the offending black cat and picked him up.

“Don’t you dare fuck up my hard work!” Alice hissed to the cat’s ear, which turned backwards in displeasure. He gave a muted meow, a guiltily gleeful face on him. “I’m gonna walk you and I’m gonna make you tired so you won’t fuck it up anymore. Okay, Jimmy?”

The naughty cat gave a nod, a challenging shine in his eye. Matt stared at both of them, a puzzled expression splayed in his face.

“That cat seems so human.” Matt said.

“He acts more like a human.”

“I thought his name was Tholomew?”

“Tholomew, Jimmy, same difference.” Alice said. Matt raised his eyebrows. He opened his mouth to say something more, but he must have changed his mind. He flicked his hand, dismissing the unspoken words.

Alice disappeared from the kitchen to find a leash and a small animal harness that just fit Tholomew. Jimmy was quite a large cat, similar in size to Pinkly, so the harness should fit him fine. The black feline widened his eyes as soon as Alice showed the harness and leash, smiling a devilish smirk.

“Whoa there, Dexter.” Matt flicked his eyes between the ‘man’ and the cat.

“That motherfucker deserves it.” Alice muttered evilly. Tholomew gave a squeak and flicked around the room, trying to avoid Alice. She thundered after him, disappearing into the hallway. Matt was left behind, an amused expression striking his features.

“He’s only a cat…” he muttered to himself, shaking his head before settling back down at the bar.

After an half an hour of chasing Tholomew, knocking over stands and tripping over things, Jimmy was caught by Alice. He was hissing and yowling for mercy as she attempted to force the harness on him. She gave a sigh of relief as she popped his head through the collar of the harness. She dumped him to the floor and instantly, he began to scuttle away from her but was yanked back by the harness. He sat, his tail flicking, irritated. He stared up to her, waiting.

“Come on, buddy.” Alice shook at the leash, making Jimmy get up grudgingly. Jimmy hated being controlled in any way. He liked being free. He meant the dirt tracking as in a good natured jest. Alice couldn’t take a joke, Tholomew thought. But he had an idea to get back to Alice in stuffing him in this harness that tugged at his bones when he strayed too far.

Shades on and a smile widening on Alice’s mouth, she strolled down the white concrete sidewalk. Jimmy scurried ahead of him, his ears perked up. They were basking in the sunshine. They observed the midday suburbian life around them. Some people were gardening, some were washing their cars, and some have children playing in the front yards. The twosome continued down the street until they reached a small park that resided at the end of the cul-de-sac. They wove around the gates and strolled over the lush green grass. The park was alive.

Dogs were playing fetch, pooping or sniffing around bushes. As soon as Alice and Tholomew stepped into the park, dogs’ ears perked up and they sniffed incessantly. Ah shit. Alice realised dogs and cats don’t tolerate each other well. Tholomew seemed to gulp.

One of them, a small beagle, barked once. That sparked most of the dogs to abandon their owners and herded to Alice and Tholomew. The cat yelped and Alice turned to run. Down across the street scrambled Alice; Jimmy at her heels as a pack of dogs came barking after them. His tiny feet struggled to catch up with Alice’s fairly tall strides.

Considering Jimmy, Alice scooped up the out of breath cat and managed to reach Brian’s house. She slammed the door shut. She slid down the door, cradling Tholomew, panting. Scratching sounds emanated from the door. She looked up find Brian’s face staring at her, mystified.

“Dogs.” Alice panted, her face white. “Horrible barking bitey dogs.” Jimmy nodded in agreement. Brian rolled his eyes before stalking off. He was still keeping up the silent treatment. She hated it. She often heard Brian talk a lot so everything was too quiet. She glanced to Jimmy, who was splayed on the wooden floor, breathing deeply. He looked up to the human at the door, giving her “we need a talk” look to his eye. Alice blew out a sigh, silently agreeing.

“Sorry for putting you in that harness.” Alice murmured to him. He dipped his head, accepting the apology. He curled up against Alice, all forgiven.