Doe

It's stupid for me to be here.

No really. I hate everything about it. Them wanting to make me sallow the faint idea's of mere reality brushing away from my life. Lea eyes were locked on the MTV playing discreetly from the nurses. I couldn't take this.
I needed a release. Noah. Noah. Noah. Noah. Noah. Noah. Noah.

Where the hell are you?



I'm coming up only to show up wrong.

We all want to be wanted. Simple fact.

Everything is dead. We are dead. We are dead hearts amongst the earth that we live upon. We need to all die. I want to die.



Throat ripped up from my dry coughing and crying.
As my eyes never avert the ceiling. Body clinging to the bed. Trying not to be pulled up into something I shouldn't.

The walls in the room aren't suppose to speak to me.
I close off everything. Everything I once was.
Mother is downstairs, with Hanna working on the new room designs. Or something of that sort.
She wishes that everything could just go away. Everything could be gone. And never exist. Everything that's me. Everything that's my feelings.

But Baby, wouldn't you rather see me on the 5' Clock news? Running a massacre of something I once was only hidden in the context of carefully worded fairy tales. The ones with the stunning blonde's prance around dewy, sun drenched fields and wish...just wish to be saved.

I won't ever be saved.
Fear is in us.

The sense of loneliness.
Withdrawing me from the world, everything I wanted my life to be. Now I am only a corpse. The darkness swallowing me up and chemical swirls in my brain remain. I am only driven into our metanoia.

Sometimes the chills were so cold, feeling as if an earthquake was riveting throughout my body.
Loud chuckles roam from my closed white door.
I looked back toward the walls.
The walls.
If you really think, if you really do.

You think your in control, but your not.

There's something deeper, something we as humans don't even know what's there.
That thing. Maybe infinity? Something even greater. We cannot control them. Or it. Only the things we fed our relentless children, yearning for attention but only to grow up needing that fix.

I choke but my words I once wanting to plea.
Then fall under a spell.
As the white little pills roll down my achy throat.

After begin dead.....my body closed up.

Maybe that's why I cannot feel love.



My eyes appraise someone. I won't name them. I look at him. His tall frame loomed amongst the center's yellow carpeted hallways. To bring the lack of joy and luster we don't consume? Probably.

"What if I want to die?", the boy's voice croaked out. Raspy and wild.

His back was facing me. Prompted on the red couches in the waiting area.

His hair looked like Joshua Third from The Horrors.

Whoa.

The art magazines sprawled across the alabaster block of damn wood table. I didn't dare to look up.

The fish tanks were swarmed with overly feed fishes. The hunger games were going on in there.

"Elliot, your going to get better", Dr.Talbot's voice warmed in a soothing tone.

Under all those prescribed lies her whole begin was cold and scared. Only to go back to what she called her sessions and preach about happiness and there's other ways of coping.

I bet she never get's laid...

Smoothing out the wrinkles in her sleek, A-line skirt. I let my eyes have the taste and chance to steal a glimpse at this boy. My body lurched forward eyes casually wandering the pale yellow walls, eyes past the....

Sleek sliver elevators,

White washed front desk

Several hallways

The entrances.

"Elliot" and Dr. Talbot were in front of the front desk.
Which is where you do the following kiddies:
State why you are here.
Get a mint?
Maybe a few words of help.
Or your death wish.

You say who is your undertaker and who is your toxin of choice.

"Nobody listens. This is all bullshit!",Elliot yelled and stormed off. His body clad in black moved swiftly into the open elevator.

I wanted to follow him.

Everything about Elliot.

Everything.

Made

Me

Feel

Alive.

Every cell in my body bouncing up and down, like effervescent bubbles coating my skin.

I want need to met him. Elliot and Aria. Beautifully ringing in your head?

The meds have been setting down nicely.

The elevator shut soundlessly.
A heartless sigh escaped from Dr. Talbot's mouth.
I only heard.
"I think the hospital needs to know that he isn't getting better, also make an appointment with his parents..."

I leaned back into the expensive crimson, leather couches. Sighed deeply.

Cross out every thought of meeting him. Boys like him don't like girls like you.

I couldn't. I wanted to look at him. See his eyes. Everything about him. I wanted to know.

I won't go into the whole, lost boy stories. And what not.

What's the point really?
I keep my head down.

Swiftly sliding my phone open, looking eagerly at the messages.

0

Like usual. I couldn't expect me to have friends. I never do.
Ever.

I sighed, pulled my eyes from the empty screen saver.
My depleting hope gone, all dried out now.

When the sun sets
On dark silhouettes
Collapse into dream.

Noah used to whisper things to me, we used to walk along the train tracks. Wanting to only die. But even with our sick, twisted morbid and corrupt minds. We only held on to one thing.

Death and Love.

We wanted to feel each other. I wanted to feel his heartbeat. I wanted that night, to cut his brains out and feed off every single motion that is given to me.

I wanted him.

But in this chance of life, you never get want to want. You only get deadly words and thoughts that bring you behind your game. Behind whatever game you "think" you have.

"I dunno....this whole.....thing.", Noah's lips moved so softly. His shoulders caved in. Looking away, into the setting sun.

"I guess...but I have no clue what your speaking of", My words were tight knitted. I didn't want to set him off.

He turned toward me.
"Do you want to die."

Eyes shaken with curiosity. Green, pale eyes didn't falter or even blink.

I chucked the phone against the wall, the smash collided sharply making the receptionist wince.

Gasps threading out of her mouth.

I got up and took run for the elevator.
"No....", her voice rang throughout my buzzing ears.

I further pounded the white buttons with my fingers . The elevator swung to an open. Feet running in-

Body rocked back with a pull. Head first on the well maintained carpet,gray.
Dizzy, oh so dizzy.

My lace black leggings created friction with the carpet.
The short London dress I dawned rippled. I looked over my shoulder. One of the patients should their. Grinning.
Avery I think.

Her small flushed tips hold taut. Freckled face showed no emotion. Only a swiftly move of her frail hand brushing her blond ringlets out of her face.

"What the hell....", I hissed through my teeth.
"The group session starts."

"Oh, fuck it."



The rain hits my window like the song Noah once was. Scribbled up with little verses and an heart splittin' ending. Your dark eyes are forever etched into the tender fiber that is my vacant memory. The drops of water on the faded paint window stilt remind me of the one liners you used to pop out like candy.

I'm trying. I'm trying.
But I'll never mean as much to you.
As you do to me.