A Careless Man's Careful Daughter

I don’t know what to think of what just transpired with Kendall. I loved every moment of it. She’s on to me now as far as my feelings are concerned. I don’t know what made me reach out and touch her. It surprised even me. But when she grabbed my hand right back and embraced my sudden affection, oh man. I’m on cloud nine right now.
I was attracted to her when I saw her in the park and now I’m friends with her and she’s attracted to me too. Would she ever want to be with me, though? Would she ever want to be my girlfriend? It was a big step to tell me she trusted me and that she’d share her most private thoughts with me. Would she be able to take yet another big step and give me her heart? Would she be ready?
“Aye, so about this guy you were telling me about in first…” Devin asks picking up where we left off.
We rush into the class as the teacher is closing the door.
“Oh, yeah. Kendall told me about him. His name is Julian.”
“Julian? She told you what went down with Julian?”
“She told me they used to be best friends and that they’re nothing more.”
“She told you but she watered it down.”
“Huh?”
“They were practically a couple in eighth grade. At least that’s what we all thought. Long story short, he cheated on her with her arch enemy, Phylicia, and they haven’t talked since. At least not until today.”
“They dated?”
“Julian claims they were just messing around and that they weren’t a couple. Kendall says they were, in fact, a couple because she don’t get down like that. She didn’t lie to you. She just doesn’t like talking about it.”
“Devin.”
He turns to the front at Mr. Riffice’s tone.
So they kind of dated. It doesn’t really bother me as much as I’d thought. I’m still high on her affection. I can still feel her hand on mine. While her eyes were closed, I did catch a glimpse of a tattoo on her left forearm. That was the side she touched my hand with.
I wonder how she’s reacting about this. That wasn’t any small thing for Kendall to do something that put her thoughts and feelings on display. I hope she wasn’t freaking out. I hope she’s just as happy as I am. Great, now I’m freaking out assuming that she’s going to act like it didn’t happen. From what I’ve learned about her in these short two days, she doesn’t trust to give her heart to anyone.
Speaking of short two days, is it possible for someone to develop authentic feelings for someone or do people call that lust or simple attraction? It has only been two days but I have faith in what she and I could become. I could love Kendall. I kind of already did from day one. Even when after the first words out of her mouth to me was bitter and aggressive. What I saw in her eyes and her demeanor was more than enough for me to look past her tough girl exterior to see that she needed someone. She could have befriended an acceptable girl as her best friend. But I got here first in hopes that she’d fall for a guy and allow him to be her confidant. I just didn’t think she’d come around so fast. Did I have it like that?
It’s amazing how easy geometry is when you’re infatuated and the feelings mutual. I feel like I can do anything. I feel like there’s nothing that can get me down.
That was until I leave geometry and half way to Chemistry I see Kendall and Julian walking together. I know it’s nothing to worry about but I’m jealous. If there’s one person who can get in the way of Kendall and me dating, it’s him. They have history. They grew up together. There apparently is still something there, no matter how minuscule. She may find it insignificant but he would pile it on until whatever was left over was significantly bold. It would hurt me deeply if she chose him over me. He wasn’t really any competition. From what I knew, he had about as much clue of what was going on in her life as I did. That put us on a somewhat level playing field.
She didn’t notice me walking behind them at a distance. They would make it to the class before me. Test one is underway.
I allow them to make it to the class then I pick up my pace a bit. He’s kept her outside talking to her. From what I can see, she nods a lot and provides small phrased answers. They aren’t talking about football then.
As I’m approaching, I remember what she said about my trying with Julian. I promised.
“Hey, guys. What’s up, Julian.”
“Same old, ya’ know. School.”
I give his answer a bit or a smile.
“See you inside, Kendall.”
She nods.
After heading in, I hear her say, “We’ll talk tomorrow, Julian. Okay?”
From his silence, I can tell he doesn’t want to wait until tomorrow. His silence also says that he’s recognized why tomorrow is suddenly better for her when now was just as good a few seconds ago. He realizes I’m competition. I’m glad for that because it means he and I won’t have to become the best of friends, just acquaintances.
I take my seat on the far side of the room and busy myself with my back pack while she takes her seat. I spoke to her on the way in so I know she’s not going to be the one to speak first. I’m going to have to kick start some sort of conversing. That’s fine. I get the impression that our little “moment” in the cafeteria spooked her.
I come to the conclusion that I also don’t know what to say. We’ll have to talk about it eventually. It happened. I can’t ignore it. She may be able to but I definitely cannot. It was so much easier before lunch. Talking to her was easy when I was certain that she would never come to like me as more than a friend. Now that she’s confirmed what I was hoping for, I don’t know what to say to her.
“Why so quiet?”
Her voice makes me jump because I only ever anticipate it after drawing a response out of her.
“Why so talkative?”
“Oookay. We’re both being weird then. You always talk and I never do. So what’s your excuse?”
“You first.”
“But I asked you first.”
She’s right, “I’m just thinking.”
“About…?”
She’s doing me the way I do her.
She’s asking for it. She knows what I’m thinking about. She gave me an opening so I’m taking it.
“I’m thinking about what happened at lunch today.”
“What about it?”
I can’t believe she’s playing this game with me; better than me almost. This doesn’t seem like her at all. Maybe she wants to know what it means for us just as much as I do.
“I’m trying to figure out what it meant. I know what it meant for me but when you want to, you can be hard to read.”
“I thought we agreed that you’d stop trying to read me.”
“We did. But I didn’t think that you’d want to voluntarily tell me so, I chose to go with the thing that would tell me without you.”
“I see.”
“But my ability to read people failed me this time. I have no idea what you took from it.”
“You know what it meant to you.”
I nod my head. What is she doing? Why is she toying with me? Has she figured out what it means to me? Is she, perhaps, more perceptive than I gave her credit for?
“I thought we agreed that you were going to tell me what you were thinking,” I say, forcing her to play her own game.
“We did. And I’ll give you your just due, you did make somewhat of an effort with Julian.”
“Why thank you.”
“Good afternoon class.” Mrs. Cadiz exclaims to the class.
Kendall smiles directly at me. Crap. She was staling. She knew what time Mrs. Cadiz would start the class so she baited me into answering all those questions and going in circles with shades of the same question. She didn’t want to answer any of my questions. She’s good. I won’t underestimate her again. At least…I don’t think.
This encounter with Kendall has taught me something but I’m glad to have learned the lesson. I won’t fall for it in Geography. I still have one more class to pry a viable opinion about lunch from her. I’m not totally defeated.
I look at her out of my peripheral. She knows she’s won this round. It’s cool. I get to see her smile her real smile yet again and know that I’m the one who caused her to do it twice in one day.
A small victory.

He’s over there thinking hard. I love being unpredictable. I never put all my cards on the table at once. I may be insecure. I may not be sure of my physical appeal. I may be sarcastic and frank but if there’s only one thing I’m confident about, it’s that he’s liked me since he saw me in class. Otherwise he wouldn’t be going out of his way to get to know me. He could have just as quickly been accepted into Devin or even Julian’s crew and not known I existed. However, he chose me to defend in class. He chose me to sit next to at lunch. He chose me to do his homework with.
I wanted him to think and lose all certainty that he had about me. It’d be nice if I could get him to wipe the slate, of my personality in his eyes, clean. I needed him confused.
Despite all that I wanted, I mostly wanted him to pursue me. I wanted to walk down the hallway and know that he was either nearby or thinking of me. I wanted him to come out of nowhere and put his arms around my waist. I wanted him to look for me in the bleachers after each touchdown. I wanted his laughter and his smile and the warmth of his hands. I wanted his love and protection because I didn’t know what that was like outside my brothers and Dex and a few others.
Maybe I just wanted him to confirm that I could even be loved in the first place.
My thoughts are interrupted by Mrs. Cadiz who, as she’s passing out the assignment, stops at my desk and says something.
“I’m sorry. Excuse me?” I ask.
“How are you feeling today?”
“Oh,” I exclaim, clarified. I look at Will and suppress a smile, “I’m doing really well today.”
“That’s nice to hear.”
She smiles at me and continues up the rest of the aisle.
“I saw that,” Will whispers leaning toward me.
“What exactly did you see?”
He just looks at me and I know he’s in the game with me. We’re both playing each other and its working.
He stares at me a bit longer.
“What exactly did you see?” I say seeking an appealing answer.
He smirks victoriously, licks his lips then says, “You.”
I don’t know why but this makes me feel all kinds of tingly. I begin to think of what it’d be like if he kissed me right now.
“What’re you thinking?”
Crap. He got me.
I take a deep breath. “I’m thinking about what it’d be like if you kissed me right now.”
His eyebrows shoot up. That’s nowhere near what he thought I’d say. Good, I’ve thrown him off again.
“Is that really what you want?”
“Will. Kendall.”
We both look toward Mrs. Cadiz’s desk and she presses her index finger to her lips, giving us the universal sign for “be quiet”.
We turn back to the work on our desk but when I look his way again, he’s also looking mine.
He raises his eyebrows, still wanting a response to that last question.
I look away.

I’m confused. I don’t bother with her for the rest of the class. I just think of something else to keep my mind occupied. I think about the chemistry work that Mrs. Cadiz passed out.
When class is over she just grabs up her back pack and heads out. I fall in step with her and wait. Then I remember that with her I could wait forever.
“What was that back there? You bait me and then you leave me hanging?”
“Don’t be so touchy.”
“So among other things, you’re a tease, too?”
“Sure. I’m whatever you want me to be.”
I shake my head, “That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard. You strive to be everything no one expects you to be and now you’re telling me you’re whatever I want you to be?. You’re contradicting yourself.”
“Okay, so I’m also a contradicter.”
“I wanna yell at you. But I don’t have that right. You’re being very infuriating. You either like me or you don’t. You either want me to kiss you or you don’t. I need to know. I need to know if you meant every single word of what you said about love. That way I can establish a friendship with you instead of pursuing a relationship with you.”
I have a hard time staying upset because her eyes only become more solemn. I know that she’s scared of what might be. But I need to know.
“Why are you doing this?” she says in a hushed tone.
“Hmm?”
Her shoulders are up to her ears. “Why are you making a scene? Why are you calling attention to us standing in the middle of the hallway not moving?”
No one’s standing around watching us but people are looking while on their way to their next class. Uh-oh.
“I just wanna know how you really feel.”
I subconsciously put my hand on her lower back and get us back in motion.
“I just want you to understand. I like you, Kendall. I know how it makes you feel when you get unwanted attention. I feel the same way when you draw me in only to kick me out. I want you to be comfortable around me, not too close for comfort. I would love nothing more than to be the one to shatter your opinion on love not fortify it. Give me a chance. I won’t let you down.”
I can’t believe what I’m saying but I mean it.
She’s got her arms wrapped around herself and her head is down with her silky jet brown hair shrouding her as usual. What is she thinking? What is she deciding?
For some reason, I’m just noticing that the red and white baseball shirt that she has on says, “Love is the Movement.” I think she meant it to be ironic considering her stand on love. I smile despite myself but I take advantage of it.
“Join the Movement.”
I can tell that she grasps what I’m talking about immediately.
“Allow someone besides your brothers and father to care about you.”
She chuckles an anguished sound I’ve never heard before. I don’t know what to take from it. Was it something I said?
She brings her hands to cover her face. It pains me and I wish I knew what it was that’s got her so messed up. I want to end it for her. What is so terrible that it’s got her like this but not terrible enough that she does something about it?
I choose to take the situation into my own hands and I wrap my arms around her. I can feel her intake of breath. She’s startled. I wouldn’t have done it but she just looks so helpless and for now, we are friends. It’s my job to comfort her.
“Thank you,” I hear her say, muffled by my hoodie.
She has her hands pressed to my chest and they’re so delicate and feminine that I hope she can’t feel how crazy my heart’s going at the moment.
“C’mon. We’re going to be late.”
I keep an arm around her shoulders and guide her to class to the best of my two day knowledge.
I wanted her to tell me how she felt but I never wanted her to break down. I didn’t mean for that to happen. I kind of feel like a jerk because it seems as though I pressured her into this. In Geography, she doesn’t talk. She sits quietly like she probably would if I had never come into her life. She does answer a question when she’s called on but that’s all. She just sits there, in her safe place I presume trying to figure out exactly how she got here at this appointed time.
I can get that. It did happen quickly. You just don’t fall for or even come to like someone this much in two days. But here we are. Or rather, here I am.
After class she’s out of the room before I can blink. I don’t chase after her. She’s made her point with that exit.
As I’m leaving the class, I see her to my right.
“You waited for me.”
She meets my eyes and they’re filled to the brim with intensity. They’re lighter than usual and somewhat more optimistic than I’m used to. Is this her choice?
We silently begin our short trek to our lockers. She’s still not talking but her waiting for me was definitely a display of how she feels about this whole thing.
Once we’re in the hallway that houses our lockers, we split to dump off or pack up whatever is or is not needed. We meet in the middle of the hall.
“I see that you’re not exactly ready to talk about this so maybe it’d be a good idea to exchange numbers and we could talk later. Is that cool?”
She pulls out a black touch screen phone that I’ve never seen before. We exchange phones. She easily puts her number in my phone while I struggle to figure out how to get to the dialer on hers. She reaches over and turns the phone horizontally and slides the screen up. I enter my number and hand her back the phone.
“I’ll call you after work.”
She nods, “Okay.”
“I gotta jet. You do your thing with that coach, aight?” I say heading down the hall with a smile.
She gives me a little smile back and heads the other way.