Edward & Jacob's Mishap Adventure
One shot!
Edward heard Bella Swan, the love of his life murmur something to him.
"yes? Did you need something?" It had been the happiest year of his life. they were more in Love than they were before. It was perfect harmony (best of all Emmet finally found a match at who could be the loudest at night...if you get what i mean). As much as he loved Bella though, it seemed she was...changing. She grew more and more irritable with each passing day and ate more than Alice could EVER eat!
"Edward....I forgot to buy the groceries for tommorow! (authors note= they eat "human food" in my story) "I need you to go to Walmart and buy the groceries!"
"Bella...I will go tommorow morning first thing. I pro-"
"NO GOD DAMMIT I WANT YOU TO BUY THE GROCERIES NOW! GOT THAT?" Edward was out the door in a flash. Bella was scary as human, but she was worse as a vampire. He got into his Volvo and drove to Walmart supercenter. He reached for the list he put in his pocket while running out the door and looked at it.
" Hmm...this shouldn't be too hard. Let's see....
Bread
Milk
Eggs
Pads...*shudder* he never understood how women had no problem talking about their vaginal bleedings to each other so bluntly...
Peaches
Cheese
Condoms...WAIT WHAT?!" He examined the handwriting, and it was Bella's. He flipped open his cellphone and called her. Her groggy voice picked up.
"mm Edward? Is everything alright?"
"Yes Bella...but one question....why exactly did you write...um..condoms on the list?" Edward shuddered quickly.
"Haha, well Carlisle told me that we should practice safe sex, as apparently...you can still get me pregnant." There was silence on the phone. Bella continued. "It's not hard, you're a guy it will look normal. Now I'm going to sleep gnight." And with that she hung up.
So, Edward got everything on the list, except the p-word and the c-word.) So the produce was done...but now comes the challenge. With speed he ran through the pad isle and grabbed the first one he saw to his right. "Hm...super...that sounds...super." He walked past all the isles to the back of Walmart to a wall of...well you know.
"Oh God....someone send me a life saver...please?" Edward pleaded.
"Are you serious...what do you need a condom for?" a voice behind him asks. The smell of dog hit his nose and the stench was enough to make him gag.
"Jacob Black...what are you doing here...dog?"
"I'm here for condoms...a friend asked for them."
"HA...have you done this before?"
"No...but I know how to do it. You look at your yoo-hoo size and pick one that will last you with how good you are." Jacob said. He picked up a box and handed it to him. "Here...this one seems best for you." Edward looked at it. He read aloud
"Condoms for the extra small down below." His eyes turned black. "WHY YOU LITTLE!" Edward wanted to kill him...he really did, but he couldn't. "Jacob...please....help me..."
"You called me Jacob...and said please?! haha wow you must suck at this." Edward stayed silent and took the verbal abuse "...fine." Jacob said. "Here...um what size are you." Edward shrugged his shoulders. "ARE YOU SERIOUS?!"
"Well..i don't know...i mean you can take a look if it helps..."
"NONONONONONO! IT'S FINE...um...maybe we can get someone else to help us..." At that moment a store clerk walked by. She was in her mid 20's and had fake boobs....quite literally. "Um, excuse me ma'am? Do you think you can help my friend here?" he shuddered at the word friend. The lady turned around and looked at Edward. Her eyes undressing him. Edward got verryyy uncomfrtable.
"Jacob...why is she looking at me like that."
"she's undressing you with her eyes."
"but my clothes are still on.."
"so innocent think thats akward wait till you get the help you need."
The lady looked up at Edward and smiled. "Anything." he couldn't help it he read her mind. She said something about how she would "screw him" whatever that was if she could.
"Excuse me...um Sally" Jacob started, "you see my friend has never bought a condom before...and he needs to know what size he needs...do you mind taking a look? She smiled. Of course not deary! That's what I'm here for! She walked over the Edward who resistantly pulled down his pants and boxers. Sally's eyes widened...
"Well...that's um...that would be this." She grabbed a box and gave it to him"
"Thanks" edward smiled. His smile was infectuous. She giggled and ran off. Edward looked at the box. "Extra Extra Large Condoms for the ones that just dont fit anything but this....wow." Edward turned around to Jacob "Thanks man...for everything. Sorry for all the crap I put you through I owe you one."
"No problem" Jacob grinned. Edward started walking off, then turned around
"Jacob, just out of curiosity..why are you buying condoms?" Jacob's grin got wider.
"Bella called me and said you were boring her and she needed some...well...heat. He smiled.
"WHY YOU LITTLE!"
some things never change do they?
the end :D
"yes? Did you need something?" It had been the happiest year of his life. they were more in Love than they were before. It was perfect harmony (best of all Emmet finally found a match at who could be the loudest at night...if you get what i mean). As much as he loved Bella though, it seemed she was...changing. She grew more and more irritable with each passing day and ate more than Alice could EVER eat!
"Edward....I forgot to buy the groceries for tommorow! (authors note= they eat "human food" in my story) "I need you to go to Walmart and buy the groceries!"
"Bella...I will go tommorow morning first thing. I pro-"
"NO GOD DAMMIT I WANT YOU TO BUY THE GROCERIES NOW! GOT THAT?" Edward was out the door in a flash. Bella was scary as human, but she was worse as a vampire. He got into his Volvo and drove to Walmart supercenter. He reached for the list he put in his pocket while running out the door and looked at it.
" Hmm...this shouldn't be too hard. Let's see....
Bread
Milk
Eggs
Pads...*shudder* he never understood how women had no problem talking about their vaginal bleedings to each other so bluntly...
Peaches
Cheese
Condoms...WAIT WHAT?!" He examined the handwriting, and it was Bella's. He flipped open his cellphone and called her. Her groggy voice picked up.
"mm Edward? Is everything alright?"
"Yes Bella...but one question....why exactly did you write...um..condoms on the list?" Edward shuddered quickly.
"Haha, well Carlisle told me that we should practice safe sex, as apparently...you can still get me pregnant." There was silence on the phone. Bella continued. "It's not hard, you're a guy it will look normal. Now I'm going to sleep gnight." And with that she hung up.
So, Edward got everything on the list, except the p-word and the c-word.) So the produce was done...but now comes the challenge. With speed he ran through the pad isle and grabbed the first one he saw to his right. "Hm...super...that sounds...super." He walked past all the isles to the back of Walmart to a wall of...well you know.
"Oh God....someone send me a life saver...please?" Edward pleaded.
"Are you serious...what do you need a condom for?" a voice behind him asks. The smell of dog hit his nose and the stench was enough to make him gag.
"Jacob Black...what are you doing here...dog?"
"I'm here for condoms...a friend asked for them."
"HA...have you done this before?"
"No...but I know how to do it. You look at your yoo-hoo size and pick one that will last you with how good you are." Jacob said. He picked up a box and handed it to him. "Here...this one seems best for you." Edward looked at it. He read aloud
"Condoms for the extra small down below." His eyes turned black. "WHY YOU LITTLE!" Edward wanted to kill him...he really did, but he couldn't. "Jacob...please....help me..."
"You called me Jacob...and said please?! haha wow you must suck at this." Edward stayed silent and took the verbal abuse "...fine." Jacob said. "Here...um what size are you." Edward shrugged his shoulders. "ARE YOU SERIOUS?!"
"Well..i don't know...i mean you can take a look if it helps..."
"NONONONONONO! IT'S FINE...um...maybe we can get someone else to help us..." At that moment a store clerk walked by. She was in her mid 20's and had fake boobs....quite literally. "Um, excuse me ma'am? Do you think you can help my friend here?" he shuddered at the word friend. The lady turned around and looked at Edward. Her eyes undressing him. Edward got verryyy uncomfrtable.
"Jacob...why is she looking at me like that."
"she's undressing you with her eyes."
"but my clothes are still on.."
"so innocent think thats akward wait till you get the help you need."
The lady looked up at Edward and smiled. "Anything." he couldn't help it he read her mind. She said something about how she would "screw him" whatever that was if she could.
"Excuse me...um Sally" Jacob started, "you see my friend has never bought a condom before...and he needs to know what size he needs...do you mind taking a look? She smiled. Of course not deary! That's what I'm here for! She walked over the Edward who resistantly pulled down his pants and boxers. Sally's eyes widened...
"Well...that's um...that would be this." She grabbed a box and gave it to him"
"Thanks" edward smiled. His smile was infectuous. She giggled and ran off. Edward looked at the box. "Extra Extra Large Condoms for the ones that just dont fit anything but this....wow." Edward turned around to Jacob "Thanks man...for everything. Sorry for all the crap I put you through I owe you one."
"No problem" Jacob grinned. Edward started walking off, then turned around
"Jacob, just out of curiosity..why are you buying condoms?" Jacob's grin got wider.
"Bella called me and said you were boring her and she needed some...well...heat. He smiled.
"WHY YOU LITTLE!"
some things never change do they?
the end :D