Remembering the Ghost of You

October 13, 1944

It was already showing signs of winter here and I didn’t like it. What I liked less was the fact that now that Esmerie wasn’t in a cast she was an extremely mobile three year old. She snuck out of the hospital and always went looking for me. A few days ago the commanders were tired of her and allowed her to sleep on my cot with me in my tent. She thought it was wonderful and all I saw was danger.
She was currently curled up fast asleep next to me with Verte while I struggled with what to say to Rebecca. There was so much I wanted to say, but all of it didn’t fit into a letter. I sighed and shut my eyes. Esmerie and Frank had spent the afternoon drawing with charcoal he found and she wanted me to mail my picture to Rebecca. She had also drawn a picture for my mother, Bob, and then one for Mikey and her parents. She told me Frank said we’d find a way to send the picture to heaven. All the pictures were of her, me, Frank, and Bob. I had her drawings, she’d given Bob his, and she kept Mikey’s folded and tucked into a large pocket the nurse had sown onto her gown along with the one for her parents.
“Now I’m like you Gerard,” she had said and pointed to my pocket where I kept the photographs. The gesture had practically melted my heart.

Dear Rebecca,
I’m doing better then I thought I’d be doing. Most of that’s thanks to little Esmerie for keeping me distracted. I’m also glad to have friends like Frankie and Bob, and your letters. I don’t know what I’d do without your letters. I didn’t want to write because I knew that when I did I’d be addressing the fact that I miss you more then I can bare. It was easy until Mikey passed. Everything at the beginning of the war was new, but now I’m trapped in a destroyed city surrounded by the dead and dying.
Esmerie drew a picture for you though. I spend my evenings telling her stories of our childhood. Remember that box we buried in our backyard at the end of middle school? We should dig that up when I get home. I can’t believe I’ve forgotten. It seems like ages ago. I can’t wait to be home even though I’m terrified to go to a home without Mikey. I can’t even think about it too much. Esmerie keeps me talking about him though. We talk about how our memories make the greatest books in the world. But I can’t imagine what it’ll be like to be home. I don’t even know how I’m supposed to go back.
You and my mother are the only reasons I’m not going to go to some middle of nowhere state like Wyoming the second I get home. I will return to see you two. I promise that. There are many things I want to say to you, Rebecca, but a letter is not the way to say them. I’ll say them in person when I return. Just know that these words will never hurt you. I will never hurt you for as long as I live.
Continue to be strong and say hi to everyone for me. I will be home in a year and hopefully it won’t feel that long. I miss you more then you’d imagine and I hope to continue to write to me. I’m sorry it has taken me so long to write.
Your best friend, Gerard

I looked at the letter and read it twice over before tucking it into the notebook I’d taken the paper from. I wasn’t satisfied with it but that was just fear talking. I smoothed Esmerie’s blonde hair and she curled closer to me. Then I decided to do something I hadn’t done in years; I decided to sketch the little girl next to me.
I used to draw all the time. I’d make pictures for my mom and Rebecca and her sister and the couple at the grocery store and so on. My mother always told me I should be an artist, but my father said to stop filling my head with stupid dreams. There was no money in art he would always say. It was him that pushed me to be a doctor and after I graduated high school I buried all my art supplies in the bottom of my closet. I was hoping to forget about it, but I never really could. I longed to draw all the time. This was the first time I actually gave into the desire.
Since she was so little and young and asleep it was easy to draw the soft curves of her face. I added in her curls, and then worked on her hands that were wrapped tightly around Verte. When I finished I folded the paper and tucked in under her hand to find in the morning.
“Good night Esmerie,” I whispered and kissed her forehead. I then lay down and shut my eyes. I had never really given a thought to having children in the future. I had thought my wife would decide that, but now that I had Esmerie attached to my hip part of me couldn’t imagine a life without children. I didn’t know what I’d do in the future though, but I already knew that deep down there was going to be no way for me to leave her.