Remembering the Ghost of You

May 19th, 1945

I sat in the sand staring at the sky. I don’t really know how long I’ve been sitting here. I feel numb and cold even though it’s a warm sunny day. I turned my attention back to Esmerie who stood in a black dress wearing the necklaces of flowers she’d spent the last few days making. The flowers were dead and dry, but she refused to throw them away. The water that lapped at her feet was full of flower petals from the flowers she had been holding in her hands.
The sun was starting to sink turning the sky and clouds gold. I stood knowing that we’d have to do this sooner or later. I went to stand next to Esmerie and she took my hand. I unscrewed the top of the jar I’d been holding and, after a nod from Esmerie, I dumped it into the ocean. Some of the ashes caught the wind and drifted away and I felt Esmerie’s hand tighten in my own.
She’d gone peacefully in her sleep. When I woke up yesterday she was just a cold lifeless body. I sat with Esmerie and we had cried before heading into the town a few miles away. There we’d found a church to cremate her body. Neither of us had spoken today. We got back from the church and went to the beach.
Just a few days ago we’d been sitting down here in the sand laughing and singing. It didn’t feel real that Greta was gone. Esmerie had been clinging to the camera since yesterday. I’d made her leave it in the house so that it didn’t get ruined by the water.
Last night I had barely slept. Esmerie cried almost the entire night and kept telling me she wanted Greta back to comfort her. Then she had asked me if she was going to die. I had to explain that Greta was very sick and weak, but she’d live a long time. She was still afraid though.
When all the ashes were gone I handed the jar to Esmerie. She wanted to send a picture she’d drawn out into the ocean. She put the picture inside and secured the cap. I then lifted her up and carried her back to the top of the cliff to drop the bottle off. She clung to me crying.
“Sing me that song Gerard,” she whispered as she sniffled. I started singing for her as she cried. I didn’t know I even had tears left in me until they started falling.

Before we left Audie point Esmerie took her ribbons and tied them around two sticks to make a cross. After explaining that Greta was Jewish Esmerie draw a Star of David on the cross and then set it in the garden. Her favorite ribbons flutter in the wind amongst the flowers. She took my hand and we went to the car.
“Do you think she is okay up there?” Esmerie asked me and I nodded.
“Her family and friends are up there with her,” I told her again.
“But we aren’t there. She doesn’t have us. She doesn’t have you to take care of her or me to play with. What if she gets lonely?” Esmerie asked worriedly. I sighed and smoothed her hair.
“Then you’ll have to be sure to draw her plenty of pictures and talk to her lots,” I said and shut the door before climbing into the drivers seat. I wiped my eyes on the back of my sleeve before starting the engine. I had Greta’s letters tucked safely in my pocket and the camera on the seat next to me. It was time to leave. I was hesitant though. It was like when we left the beaches or that village on the border. I didn’t want to leave another person.
“We are going back to Paris Greta and I’ll be sure to take good care of Gerard for you. And I’ll tell Fighter what happened too so don’t worry,” I heard Esmerie begin to say in the backseat. “So don’t worry okay? I’ll make sure no one forgets you. And I won’t be lonely without you, but you have to promise to not be lonely without me okay?” she asked through sobs. I rested my head on my hands on the steering wheel and let the tears fall. I took that moment and cried for them all; Mikey, Bob, Greta, and everyone else I’d come to know that was no gone.

Mrs. Dupont barely managed to take a sleeping Esmerie from my arms before I collapsed in the kitchen. I couldn’t do this. Everything just felt so empty. And then there were arms around me.
“I’m so sorry Gerard,” Ray murmured. I hadn’t even know that he was here in Paris.
“She was only nine Ray,” I choked out and he held me tighter.
“I know,” he said and I sobbed some more. My eyes were tired of crying and I felt sick to my stomach, but that didn’t stop the tears or the sadness.
“She was only nine,” I cried again.
“What will she do without Molly?!” Esmerie suddenly cried out and I looked through teary eyes to see her holding out the doll Mrs. Dupont had given her when she got here.
“She’d want you to take care of Molly,” I said but Esmerie shook her head.
“She needs it!” the four year old cried, big tears once again rolling down her cheeks. Ray went over and scooped her up. He carried her to the window and pointed at the stars in the sky.
“She’s one of those stars and she’s looking down on you now. You can’t take things with you to heaven, but she can take them in her heart. So when you see the stars let her know that you’re taking good care of her doll,” Ray said softly and Esmerie sobbed but nodded.
“Do you think she misses me?” Esmerie asked and Ray nodded.
“I’m sure she does, but I bet she’s happy to be with her family,” he added and that’s when I noticed the tears running from his eyes.

Frank arrived a short time after and sat with me while I continued to cry. It was like I’d never be able to stop. Esmerie had finally gone to sleep under the protective watch of Fighter. Frank sat with me as I looked at the pictures of Mikey. I would get the film from the beach developed when I got back to America. Part of me still couldn’t believe they were both gone, but the emptiness I felt in the house was a stark reminder. That made me fear going home even more. If this was how it was after losing my precious little Greta, then I couldn’t imagine what it’d be like to be reminded that Mikey was never coming home.
“When are you going to read your letter?” Frank asked. I’d handed him his and shrugged.
“I can’t do it now,” I said and wiped my eyes on the back of my sleeve. “Eventually I will though … when it isn’t so hard to believe that she’s gone.”
“Just remember all the happiness you brought her and remember to be strong for Esmerie,” Frank reminded me and I nodded. He hugged me tightly.
“You are strong Gerard, and Esmerie is going to need that strength to get through this,” Ray added and I nodded again.
“I know,” I told them. “I know.”