Remembering the Ghost of You

August 14th, 1945

It was over. All of it. Japan had unconditionally surrendered and the war was over. I didn’t like to think about the way it ended. When we heard about the atomic bombs I felt sick. I refused to celebrate those tactics of war. So we didn’t talk about it.
Tonight though, we were all celebrating. Wine and other alcohol was dispensed and everyone in Paris was cooking and baking. Frank wasn’t celebrating though.
I walked through the boisterous halls in the hospital to the room with Vivienne. She was dying fast and there was nothing else that he could do for her. They were talking quietly, Vivienne and Frank, so I hovered in the doorway. She’d been refusing treatment, but Frank had convinced her to at least take painkillers. He didn’t want her to die in pain and she wanted to. I watched Frank smooth her hair and sit on the edge of the cot. The girls’ eyes found me and Frank turned.
“Hey Gee,” he said quietly. He stood and came over to me. “She’s not going to make it to the morning Gee and I can’t find anyone who’ll do a cesarean. We can’t just let the baby die with her!” he whispered. I rubbed his shoulders.
“I’ll see if I can find someone,” I told him and he nodded. I get that we just won a war, but that didn’t mean we could neglect the patients.
In just the short time that I’d been in the room the hospital had become mostly empty. Even patients had left their rooms to celebrate in the streets. I headed outside to Mrs. Dupont’s to hopefully find Ray.
“Gerard!” Esmerie screamed and leapt for me when I rounded the corner. She hugged me tightly with sticky fingers and gave me a sticky kiss on the cheek. “There is so much food from America!” she told me. I figured that much. I had heard the planes earlier in the day.
“Is Mrs. Dupont inside?” I asked and she nodded.

Mrs. Dupont, a nurse named Agnes, Ray, and I were going to do the cesarean section for Vivienne. She was barely conscious as we were explaining the procedure to her. I was nervous and Ray was pacing. Frank just looked like he was going to be sick. He was still blaming himself for letting her jump out of the truck.
“I came to help,” Samantha said from the doorway. “I brought supplies too,” she said. Somehow the Red Cross still remained better supplied then the hospital did. I glanced at Frank again. He looked like a lost little kid right now.
“It’s not your fault,” I said to him and he shook his head.
“She’s gonna die and then what about the baby?” he whispered and I rubbed his shoulder.
“She doesn’t want it anyway. This is better. We will find someone to take care of it,” I told him.
“Yeah just like we’ll find homes for a ton of homeless children,” he spat. He tried to wrench away from me.
“Hey,” I said and grabbed his shoulders again. He wouldn’t look at me and chewed on his lips. “You cannot blame yourself. The moment you do that is when you screw yourself over. You will kill yourself once you start to blame yourself for things you can’t control,” I said sharply and he tried to pull away from me. “Frank!” I snapped.
“I see him every time I shut my eyes. I see them all dying over and over again in my mind,” he whispered and chewed on his lip. “Mikey, Bob … all of them,” he murmured. The room had cleared out, they were on their way to the OR.
“Frankie,” I said and sighed. “Come on let’s go,” I said and lead him out of the room. He followed after me looking so small and so sad.

We all were sitting in the front yard. You could just barely see the stars. Ray was stretched out of the grass next to Esmerie who had long since fallen asleep. I was sitting next to Ray and had Frank leaning against me. It reminded me almost too much of Mikey and how I was always the one he looked up to. He’d crawl into my bed when the wind made the windows rattle and when school had been going on for too long he’d just come up and lean against me. In the summer, Rebecca, Samantha, and Mikey would camp out in the yard. I never wanted to, but they’d drag me out eventually. Then they’d all lay their heads on me and use me as a pillow. I held Frankie close reminding myself that it wasn’t Mikey.
Vivienne had died just a little over an hour after her son was born. She wouldn’t look at the baby though. Agnes took it to another part of the hospital and Frank stayed with Vivienne. When she was gone I brought him here and we spent the evening in the yard and eating and silent. Esmerie ran around with Fighter singing and that made him smile at least.
“Hey,” Samantha said coming into the yard. She’d been at the hospital late. She was still in her uniform and sat on the other side of Frank. She pulled him over and put his head in her lap. I watched as she stroked his hair and then she looked up at me. “I never thought we’d be sitting in a yard in Paris celebrating the end of the war,” she said. “I never thought I’d find you out here. Rebecca said I would. She said you’d come across me because I’m basically your sister and your protective instincts would lead you to me.” I chuckled.
“She’s say that,” I said picturing the situation.
“I can’t believe he’s gone though … Mikey,” she said sadly. “When I was home I just believed he was here and now that I’m here I pretend he’s at home,” she whispered and I took her hand.
“I know,” I said. My mind flashed back to the days when her and Mikey were in elementary and middle school and would beg to go to the creek near the high way. It was about a fifteen minute walk, but always fun. Samantha and Mikey would spend the afternoon trying to catch frogs while I watched them like a hawk and Rebecca read.
“She can’t wait you know,” she said.
“Hmm?”
“Rebecca, she writes and she tells me that she can’t wait to see you and Esmerie.” I smiled. I was glad that it wasn’t just in my letters that Rebecca said that stuff.