Been to Hell

“I’ve never told you this, but your cries are like little whimpers with the occasional sniffle thrown in.” Zane chuckled a little bit, tightening the blanket around me then going back to stroking my hair.

I have stopped crying like ten minutes ago and he is already making fun of me. Typical man, but you’ve got to love him for it. After I began thinking about it though, I realized it wasn’t the initial thing hitting the door that scent me over the edge, it was the fear that Zane was mad at me. I hate knowing that he was angry with me, and I guess I just scared myself into tears. Though I think he understood.

It was a tree branch that actually hit the window, I know stupid right? But hey, I guess we know that I can duck pretty fast now. That’s a good thing, maybe I can run faster now to.

“I was scared, shut up.” I smirked, burrowing my face tighter against his warm rib cage.

“You know if you get any closer to me I’m not going to be able to breath.” He joked, tightening his hold on me as well. I just brushed it off and thanked myself for having him as a husband. “I’m sorry I left you earlier I wasn’t planning on being gone that long. I was just trying to get wood for the fire place, I knew that you were cold.”

“I just think it was a good thing you came back when you did.” I hummed, tilting my head up to look at him. He took in my beat red cheeks and puffy eyes. I instantly knew he was worried, and possibly angry at himself for leaving me then blowing up on me. Honestly it wasn’t my fault. “When can we leave.”

“In a couple days, I’ve got to find some supplies.” He informed. Seeming to zone out a little bit when he thought about what we needed. I was curious to know what he thought was necessary. “I’ve got to stock up on food for the way down there, and some blankets cause the van doesn’t have a heater. I will also need to get you something warmer to go out in. Like a coat and boots perhaps. You’ll need it if we break down.”

“When is it going to be spring?” I whispered. It seems like it has been winter for so long, I just want to be able to roll around in the grass and feel it on my bare toes. I hate snow, its so cold.

“Actually its almost February, its starting to get warmer down south. But up here you can’t tell yet.” February! That’s my birthday! YAY! I’m so excited now, the day after valentines day is my birthday, February 15. He saw the joy in my eyes and just laughed and nodded his head. “Hm, I wonder what could be happening then?”

“Oh please!” I giggled. “I’m not kidding, get me one of those monkeys that says I love you.”

He nodded again and smiled. “But that would be for valentines day.” He protested. Cracking a smile at me and kissing my forehead. “I want to know what you want for your birthday…actually don’t tell me cause I know what I want to get you.”

“Oh, what’s that.” I smirked, wiggling up to watch him intently. Wanting to know what he has in mind.

“I’m going to get you a blanket cause you always complain about being cold.” He laughed. I felt blush creep up onto my cheeks. Well, he can find a way to ruin the moment by making fun on me. “Then again you already are going to have like twenty thousand blankets. What about-”

“Zane, you never told me when your birthday is.” I suddenly realized, I didn’t want him to feel sad if I forgot his birthday. Then again he is the type to hide it.

“Oh, that’s right I never have. Its April 12, and you’d better find a way to get me Nightmare Before Christmas, cause I watch that every year on my birthday and you are going to watch it with me this year.” That sounded like a nice gift for him. I believe that he would like that, I will get him some candy and popcorn to go along with it as well. I will make his birthday worth while, it will be great.

“Deal. Now, will you please stop wiggling around and cuddle with me.” I demanded, tucking myself closer to him and kissing the front of his throat. Which was nice and warm, despite how cold his hands and feet were from being outside. “Can we leave soon, I don’t like it here anymore.”
“Do you think I’m going to hell, darling?” He suddenly questioned, running his fingers over my back. I froze slightly, completely terrified from hearing this from him. Hearing this from him was like a stab to the heart.

“Oh honey, no. Don’t think about that, please. Of course you aren’t, the only thing you are guilty of is protecting me. If you get stuck down there I might as well to. Don’t ever think that, you’ve only done what was right to protect your family.” I assured, laying a kiss upon his cheek. He still stroked my back, deep in thought.

I feel completely worried about him, because I never want him to think anything like that because he had protected me. If anything, I am the one going to hell. I have corrupted this man, its not his fault at all. Zane should never have to worry about something like this, it is all my fault. I am the kid caught with the hand in the cookie jar. I hate knowing that he could be complicating this in his brain.

“Now, please just get us out of here. We can restart again, it’ll be okay.” I promised. He was my only reason for living, I shouldn’t ever make him feel this way anymore. “Please, you are a great person. You haven’t done anything wrong.”

“Only in your eyes, darling. I have plenty of reasons. But I don’t feel comfortable telling you them. It will only put both of us in a sad mood. You are my only reason for living, but in the end I fear we cannot be together. We are going to be sent to different places, I am sure of it.” I couldn’t believe what I am hearing from him. This man is completely mourning for this, what brought him to think about this? I’m so worried about him right now. I’m not sure that I can take this guilt.

“Honey, you need to go take your depression pills. You are sincerely worrying me right now, we shouldn’t be talking about this. I don’t think that you are going to be able to take it, don’t think about these types of things.” He just sighed, and nodded. Then sat up, taking me with him.

“Get your coat and boots on. We’re getting out of here, this house is making me crazy.” That was true for me as well, but he just seemed like something scared him so bad that he is second guessing himself now. Maybe he was startled by what happened earlier, like he didn’t want to know that we were in the same house as that crazy person. I was glad to know that he is finally ready to hit the road again.

I think its possible that I have problems with staying in one place now. I get board with all my surroundings now, so maybe I just needed a trip. That might calm my nerves, but I am extremely excited to get the hell out of this place. It will feel nice to get my alone time back with him, where I can be completely healthy and hopefully happy.