Status: on pause
All She Ever Knew
Take my hand
I stood on the roof looking up at the sky. the city lights made the sky look orange and ugly. I held a bottle of Jack in my un injured hand. I couldnt feel the cold fall wind whipping against my face or pulling on my long black dreads.... i couldnt feel the tear sliding down my tanned cheek to my full red lips from my green eyes nor could i feel the pain that radiated through my injured and weak body.... i could only feel the deep desire to poison myself.... the very Universe calling me pulling me towards the blackness i so badly wanted to bury myself in.
"IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT!!!" i yelled at the sky i was standing close to the edge but i didnt care... if i fell then there would be no more pain.... no more sadness.... no more beatings.... i heard the door to the roof open.
"TIGER DONT!" my Uncle Carrot yelled. i turned to face him. Him and his wife Aunt Rain stood there looking at me. Aunt rain had her hands over her mouth and Uncle Carrot was walking slowly towards me his hands out in a non threatening way. i tilted my head to the side like a puppy
"Dont do what?" i asked
"Dont Kill your self." he said "Dont jump."
"I wasnt going to kill myself. Suicide is the cowards way out." i said rolling my eyes. i sat down and leaned against the wall taking another swig of the almost empty bottle of Jack.
"Then what are you doing up here?" he asked walking normally towards me. i looked back up at the sky.
"Knocking on the sky.... and listening to the sound." i said "praying for an answer i know will never come."
"Come on baby girl." Uncle Carrot said holding out his hand. i looked at his hand before looking at his face. Uncle Carrot was a hippie.... he had long grey hair pulled back in a pony tail and a great full dead shirt on along with blue jeans that had dirt stains and sandles on his feet... he was a hippie just like Aunt rain...i shook my head more tears falling from my eyes. i pulled my knees to my chest and sobbed. Uncle Carrot sat down next to me and wrapped his arms around me pulling my head to his chest. i buried my face in his chest and sobbed like a small child. Aunt Rain came over and sat down beside me pulling the bottle of jack from me and holding my hand as i sobbed
"I c-c-c-cant keep li-li-li-living like this!" i sobbed.
"i know." Uncle Carrot said softly "Come on baby we're going to help you." He said i pulled away and looked at him through my tearful eyes. He stood and held out his hand again.
"Take my hand please baby.... we want to save you... to help you.... but you have to trust us." he said "do you trust us?" i looked at him then aunt rain and saw the worry in her eyes. i looked down at my broken arm.... the bruises from my parents love marred my skin... thousands of scars hidden by tattoos stared me back in the face.... could i trust anyone.... should i trust anyone.... i looked back at up at Uncle Carrot and nodded. i pulled my hand free and gripped his. he pulled me to my feet and walked with me towards the door. we walked to my families apartment and walked in. Uncle Carrot held my hand while aunt rain held a hand on my shoulder. i tried to put on a brave face and look at my parents. My mom glared at me.... she had always hated her brother Carrot. She stood and marched over to him.
"What the hell is she still doing alive. i though she would kill herself for sure this time."
"Shes never tried to kill her self Robin. But thats not why we are here. Rain will you go pack Tigers things." Rain smiled at me and darted off towards my room. she was the same age as my Uncle Carrot... 55 but most wouldnt guess it. she had long long long salt and pepper hair a young loving face and deep brown eyes... she moved gracefully and silently like a dancer despite her age.
"What the hell do you think your doing!" My dad yelled storming up to me
"Tiger go get your little brother and pack him some things." Carrot said i nodded and moved quickly to my five year old brothers room. i walked in and started throwing things in a big duffle bag... mostly clothes his favorite toys all his books and some of the things that he needed.
"Tigger?" He said rolling over and looking at me rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. his tiny arms where still wrapped around his stuffed t-rex that had once been mine.
"Hey Duck." i said smiling down at him "We're going away okay." i said
"Where?" he asked still sleepy
"Uncle Carrot and Aunt Rain are taking us away. Come on." i said i had the bag over my shoulder as i bent down to my brother. he wrapped his small arms around my neck and i lifted him up so he was straddling my front. Rexy the T- rex was about to fall to i grabbed him and held him while my brother wrapped his legs around my waist. i turned and walked out of the room and towards Uncle Carrot.
"YOUR NOT TAKING MY KIDS ANYWHERE!" my dad yelled
"The court says im Tiger's legal guardian now and that Tiger is Ducks legal guardian... where ever Tiger goes Duck goes and im getting Tiger out of here!" Uncle Carrot yelled back. Aunt Rain was motioning towards the door. i took off towards it Duck clinging even tighter to me. I ran down the hallway to the elevator with Aunt rain. she pushed the button her eyes darting nervously behind us.
"Tiger im scared."
"shhhhhhhh its going to be okay baby." I said "just close you eyes."
"But that doesnt make the yelling go away." he said
"Shhhhh just listen to my voice." i said the elevator was taking forever. i turned so he was facing the doors and i could see if my parents where coming
"This is what i brought you
this you can keep
this is what i brought you
you may forget me
i promise to depart
just promise one thing
Kiss my eyes and lay me to sleep"
I sang the lullaby i had come up with years before when i would sing myself to sleep after my parents beat me.... i had started singing it to Duck when he was crying as a infant and as he got older when my parents beat him or he was scared... it always calmed him for some reason even though it was a sad sad song
"this is what i brought you
this you can keep
this is what i brought you
you may forget me
i promised you my heart
just promise to sing
kiss my eyes and lay me to sleep
kiss my eyes and lay me to sleep
this is what i thought
i thought you need me
this is what i thought
so think me Naive
i promised you a heart
you promised to keep
Kiss my eyes and lay me to sleep
Kiss my eyes and lay me to sleep." the elevator doors opened just as Carrot came running out of the apartment i dashed inside as Aunt rain held the door open for uncle Carrot. he rushed in and pushed the button to close the door. Aunt Rain pulled off her shawl and wrapped it around Duck as best she could. I was wearing a tank top and ripped pants but that was about all i had in my wardrobe. my clothes where hand me downs from my friends... the boots i was wearing where two sizes to big and hurt my feet if i wore them to long but i dealt with the pain. the elevator dinged and the doors opened. we ran outside and saw Peace sitting in the van. Peace was my cousin... she looked like her mother a tall elegant beauty with long black hair that always had braids in it and big brown eyes that reflected the love and devotion she had for her family and the world. we all jumped in the van just as my dad appeared. his face was red with rage. i pushed Duck into a seat and started buckling him. My dad grabbed me by my leg and ripped me out of the van. my bottom jaw slammed against the floor board of the van. i could taste blood so i knew i had bitten down on something. Duck was screaming and crying while Carrot and Rain where trying to get my dad off me. i started kicking and felt my foot collide with his chest and felt bone give way.... he let go of me and i scrambled back in the van and slammed the door shut.
"IM GOING TO FIND YOU AND KILL YOU YOU STUPID BITCH!" my dad yelled beating on the window. Peace floored it i climbed up and knelt infront of Duck ignoring the blood that was trickling down my chin.
"hush.... im fine Duck.... baby im right here im alive and im not going to leave you."
"Promise?" he asked
"You and me together forever." i said signing as i talked. he could hear fine but sometimes seeing the signs helped him... i smiled and sat in the seat next to him.
"Your bleeding baby." Rain said handing me a napkin.
"Its fine.... i just busted my lip." i said wiping at the blood.
"Carrot...."
"I know."
"What?" i asked
"you where going to come live with us but i know your father will hunt you down if your with us.... so we are going to have to send you two some where he cant go." Carrot said
"What...." i said tears falling "you pull us away from our home and then tell us that we cant even stay with you that we have to go some where else!"
"Baby hush.... your going some place safe... some place that you can get better.... some place where the two of you no longer have to live in fear of your father...."
"And where is that.... as long as we are in America dad will find us and kill me!" i snapped
"Thats why your going with Peace and your friends Tina and Tara to Germany. Your Cousin Gustav knows whats going on hes been begging us to save you and send you to him where he can keep you safe.... we now can... Tina and Tara are already over there.... Peace leaves in the morning and you two will leave as soon as you have passports."
"Thats going to take months!"
"Not if we rush order them which we have... it will be about four weeks before you can leave.... im pretty sure we can keep you safe for four weeks..." Rain said smiling
"So.... we can be safe?" i asked.
"Yes.... its time Tiger."
"Tigger?" Duck said i looked at my baby brother. "Are we going to Germ many" i smiled. he had a cute way of saying things.... like the way he said Germany he said it like Germ and many....
"Yeah Duck Duck" i said smiling at him. he smiled at me and wrapped his arms around his stuffed animal and fell back asleep. the rest of the ride to Carrot and Rains house i stared out the window wondering if maybe the universe had finally answered me... or if this was just a little bit of sun before another massive storm rolled across my life.
"IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT!!!" i yelled at the sky i was standing close to the edge but i didnt care... if i fell then there would be no more pain.... no more sadness.... no more beatings.... i heard the door to the roof open.
"TIGER DONT!" my Uncle Carrot yelled. i turned to face him. Him and his wife Aunt Rain stood there looking at me. Aunt rain had her hands over her mouth and Uncle Carrot was walking slowly towards me his hands out in a non threatening way. i tilted my head to the side like a puppy
"Dont do what?" i asked
"Dont Kill your self." he said "Dont jump."
"I wasnt going to kill myself. Suicide is the cowards way out." i said rolling my eyes. i sat down and leaned against the wall taking another swig of the almost empty bottle of Jack.
"Then what are you doing up here?" he asked walking normally towards me. i looked back up at the sky.
"Knocking on the sky.... and listening to the sound." i said "praying for an answer i know will never come."
"Come on baby girl." Uncle Carrot said holding out his hand. i looked at his hand before looking at his face. Uncle Carrot was a hippie.... he had long grey hair pulled back in a pony tail and a great full dead shirt on along with blue jeans that had dirt stains and sandles on his feet... he was a hippie just like Aunt rain...i shook my head more tears falling from my eyes. i pulled my knees to my chest and sobbed. Uncle Carrot sat down next to me and wrapped his arms around me pulling my head to his chest. i buried my face in his chest and sobbed like a small child. Aunt Rain came over and sat down beside me pulling the bottle of jack from me and holding my hand as i sobbed
"I c-c-c-cant keep li-li-li-living like this!" i sobbed.
"i know." Uncle Carrot said softly "Come on baby we're going to help you." He said i pulled away and looked at him through my tearful eyes. He stood and held out his hand again.
"Take my hand please baby.... we want to save you... to help you.... but you have to trust us." he said "do you trust us?" i looked at him then aunt rain and saw the worry in her eyes. i looked down at my broken arm.... the bruises from my parents love marred my skin... thousands of scars hidden by tattoos stared me back in the face.... could i trust anyone.... should i trust anyone.... i looked back at up at Uncle Carrot and nodded. i pulled my hand free and gripped his. he pulled me to my feet and walked with me towards the door. we walked to my families apartment and walked in. Uncle Carrot held my hand while aunt rain held a hand on my shoulder. i tried to put on a brave face and look at my parents. My mom glared at me.... she had always hated her brother Carrot. She stood and marched over to him.
"What the hell is she still doing alive. i though she would kill herself for sure this time."
"Shes never tried to kill her self Robin. But thats not why we are here. Rain will you go pack Tigers things." Rain smiled at me and darted off towards my room. she was the same age as my Uncle Carrot... 55 but most wouldnt guess it. she had long long long salt and pepper hair a young loving face and deep brown eyes... she moved gracefully and silently like a dancer despite her age.
"What the hell do you think your doing!" My dad yelled storming up to me
"Tiger go get your little brother and pack him some things." Carrot said i nodded and moved quickly to my five year old brothers room. i walked in and started throwing things in a big duffle bag... mostly clothes his favorite toys all his books and some of the things that he needed.
"Tigger?" He said rolling over and looking at me rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. his tiny arms where still wrapped around his stuffed t-rex that had once been mine.
"Hey Duck." i said smiling down at him "We're going away okay." i said
"Where?" he asked still sleepy
"Uncle Carrot and Aunt Rain are taking us away. Come on." i said i had the bag over my shoulder as i bent down to my brother. he wrapped his small arms around my neck and i lifted him up so he was straddling my front. Rexy the T- rex was about to fall to i grabbed him and held him while my brother wrapped his legs around my waist. i turned and walked out of the room and towards Uncle Carrot.
"YOUR NOT TAKING MY KIDS ANYWHERE!" my dad yelled
"The court says im Tiger's legal guardian now and that Tiger is Ducks legal guardian... where ever Tiger goes Duck goes and im getting Tiger out of here!" Uncle Carrot yelled back. Aunt Rain was motioning towards the door. i took off towards it Duck clinging even tighter to me. I ran down the hallway to the elevator with Aunt rain. she pushed the button her eyes darting nervously behind us.
"Tiger im scared."
"shhhhhhhh its going to be okay baby." I said "just close you eyes."
"But that doesnt make the yelling go away." he said
"Shhhhh just listen to my voice." i said the elevator was taking forever. i turned so he was facing the doors and i could see if my parents where coming
"This is what i brought you
this you can keep
this is what i brought you
you may forget me
i promise to depart
just promise one thing
Kiss my eyes and lay me to sleep"
I sang the lullaby i had come up with years before when i would sing myself to sleep after my parents beat me.... i had started singing it to Duck when he was crying as a infant and as he got older when my parents beat him or he was scared... it always calmed him for some reason even though it was a sad sad song
"this is what i brought you
this you can keep
this is what i brought you
you may forget me
i promised you my heart
just promise to sing
kiss my eyes and lay me to sleep
kiss my eyes and lay me to sleep
this is what i thought
i thought you need me
this is what i thought
so think me Naive
i promised you a heart
you promised to keep
Kiss my eyes and lay me to sleep
Kiss my eyes and lay me to sleep." the elevator doors opened just as Carrot came running out of the apartment i dashed inside as Aunt rain held the door open for uncle Carrot. he rushed in and pushed the button to close the door. Aunt Rain pulled off her shawl and wrapped it around Duck as best she could. I was wearing a tank top and ripped pants but that was about all i had in my wardrobe. my clothes where hand me downs from my friends... the boots i was wearing where two sizes to big and hurt my feet if i wore them to long but i dealt with the pain. the elevator dinged and the doors opened. we ran outside and saw Peace sitting in the van. Peace was my cousin... she looked like her mother a tall elegant beauty with long black hair that always had braids in it and big brown eyes that reflected the love and devotion she had for her family and the world. we all jumped in the van just as my dad appeared. his face was red with rage. i pushed Duck into a seat and started buckling him. My dad grabbed me by my leg and ripped me out of the van. my bottom jaw slammed against the floor board of the van. i could taste blood so i knew i had bitten down on something. Duck was screaming and crying while Carrot and Rain where trying to get my dad off me. i started kicking and felt my foot collide with his chest and felt bone give way.... he let go of me and i scrambled back in the van and slammed the door shut.
"IM GOING TO FIND YOU AND KILL YOU YOU STUPID BITCH!" my dad yelled beating on the window. Peace floored it i climbed up and knelt infront of Duck ignoring the blood that was trickling down my chin.
"hush.... im fine Duck.... baby im right here im alive and im not going to leave you."
"Promise?" he asked
"You and me together forever." i said signing as i talked. he could hear fine but sometimes seeing the signs helped him... i smiled and sat in the seat next to him.
"Your bleeding baby." Rain said handing me a napkin.
"Its fine.... i just busted my lip." i said wiping at the blood.
"Carrot...."
"I know."
"What?" i asked
"you where going to come live with us but i know your father will hunt you down if your with us.... so we are going to have to send you two some where he cant go." Carrot said
"What...." i said tears falling "you pull us away from our home and then tell us that we cant even stay with you that we have to go some where else!"
"Baby hush.... your going some place safe... some place that you can get better.... some place where the two of you no longer have to live in fear of your father...."
"And where is that.... as long as we are in America dad will find us and kill me!" i snapped
"Thats why your going with Peace and your friends Tina and Tara to Germany. Your Cousin Gustav knows whats going on hes been begging us to save you and send you to him where he can keep you safe.... we now can... Tina and Tara are already over there.... Peace leaves in the morning and you two will leave as soon as you have passports."
"Thats going to take months!"
"Not if we rush order them which we have... it will be about four weeks before you can leave.... im pretty sure we can keep you safe for four weeks..." Rain said smiling
"So.... we can be safe?" i asked.
"Yes.... its time Tiger."
"Tigger?" Duck said i looked at my baby brother. "Are we going to Germ many" i smiled. he had a cute way of saying things.... like the way he said Germany he said it like Germ and many....
"Yeah Duck Duck" i said smiling at him. he smiled at me and wrapped his arms around his stuffed animal and fell back asleep. the rest of the ride to Carrot and Rains house i stared out the window wondering if maybe the universe had finally answered me... or if this was just a little bit of sun before another massive storm rolled across my life.