Status: Active
It's always the pretty ones
Headache
I don’t know for what morning in row I have woken up with a headache. To be honest, I’ve grown used to the pain already. It would be weird if it just disappeared, as if it was never there. Too much lightheadedness can really be a bitch. If anything, that’s what I learned in life. Since I’ve given up on pills about a week ago, I go straight for the bathroom to at least make myself look a bit better than I felt. I don’t want bunch of worried voices yet again. No, I’m not trying to sound like a good guy, I just can’t be bothered with all “Brian, what’s wrong?” “Brian, are you okay?” and such questions. It adds to the headache. In order to avoid it, I decide not to head for the lounge right away. I’ll just lie down for a few more minutes – it can’t make it any worse. I go back to my bunk, but someone obviously thought I wasn’t planning on coming back, so they turned the volume on … an iPhone? Mp4 player? I don’t even know, so high it felt like there were bees flying through my ears back and forth. And it wasn’t even some loud metal music, it was some sad, heartbreaking tune. Awesome. My headache must’ve really progressed by now.
It drove me insane before I even got to my bunk.
“Turn that shit off, I need sleep.” I practically whispered, trying to get to the other person without making my head explode.
Nothing happened.
“I said, turn that…” I started yelling, before hearing something other than music. Was it a… sob? What the actual fuck?
For the first time, I try to concentrate on the evil sounds. It’s coming from one of the top bunks. It’s not Matt’s, so it must be…
Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. Why the fuck would Arin be crying? He’s a kid with whole life in front of him, living his dream. He’s been hyper since the minute we took him on tour and never stopped jumping around on chairs, drums, our equipment, anything really. He did know when to retreat, there were a lot of bad days for us, but he, personally, had never had any reason to be depressed, not the one I would know of.
I don’t want to let him know I’m here and give him the chance to cover himself up, so I basically fly myself into his bunk. He looks terrified, turns around to face me, and I might just start crying myself. His face is a mess, his eyes are bloodshot, and he’s trembling. His hands hurry to his face, trying to hide the evidence of his sadness, but I won’t let him. He doesn’t have to.
I take his hands in mine, gently, by now forgetting about my headache. Oh, obviously not. Though I focus on him with every bit of strength I’ve got.
“Calm down. Whatever happened, it’s gonna be fine. Now, when you calm yourself a little, tell me what’s wrong. Okay?” It’s not until I finish my little speech that I realize I’m whispering.
He nods, still shaking, and it breaks my heart. Like some poor act of protection, my arm goes instinctively over his fetus-like body.
“Shhh…” I try to soothe him, crawling closer towards his thin figure, until his head falls on my chest and he starts sobbing so hard the whole bunk is shaking.
“Arin, I just want you to know one thing. If the bunk falls off because of your shaking and we die, I won’t blame you in the afterlife.”
He even manages a small smile I can feel through the night shirt I’m still wearing.
“I thought…” He tries speaking.
“I thought it’s going to be easier with time.”
His voice is weak and worn out, and I barely manage myself from shedding a tear.
“What?”
He takes a deep breath. His sobs have stopped, at least for now.
“All of it. Touring, making people happy, not disappointing anyone. When…”
Another sob. I clench my arm around him, maybe trying to stop his breathing so he can’t cry anymore.
“When this first started, I was so… nervous. Unsure. Unsure if I was good enough. When you and most of the others gave me green light, the way you acted towards me, it all fell into place. It was easier. For the first few months. But then I started getting this… This feeling of… I don’t know if I can explain it. That it was enough because I was just starting, I was a kid, a beginner. I… I don’t know if it’s going to be enough later. If it’s even enough now. And not just that. I have been away from home, friends, family, many times before, but never for something this big. I’m afraid… I’m afraid I can’t live up to their expectations anymore. That when I come back… They’re gonna be disappointed for letting me go away and me not doing enough. I don’t know, I don’t even know how to place the words. I’m just… Feeling down all the time lately. And I’m sorry for torturing you like this.”
For a few minutes, I have no idea what to say to him. We, as a band, have never had these problems before. I guess it’s because we took our journey one step at a time. He just made a huge jump and though he made it at first, when he looked down, his legs started trembling. I try to form my answer the best I can.
“Don’t even mention the last one. I want you to always talk to me when something’s bothering you, like you should’ve told me about this the minute it started happening. Look, I’m sorry I can’t promise anything. There is no “I” among us, so what I think and how I feel may not be enough. But, for what it’s worth… I hope you stay with us. I like you, kid. And that’s exactly what you still are – just a little kid. You have so much more of life and success in front of you. I don’t want you to stop second guessing yourself, because that means you’re maturing. But I want you to believe you are good enough, because you are, and I’m not even being biased here. Calm down, get some sleep, and I mean real sleep, and then come to the lounge with us to crack jokes and drink. Is that okay with you?”
I seriously hope this is enough to make him feel better. For what it’s worth, everything I said was true. I really meant it.
“Yeah, I’ll do that. Thank you, for everything.”
He hugs me tightly, but then I can feel him relax into it. I’m still holding him, and for the first time in days, a genuine smile lights up my face.
“I don’t even understand myself”, I hear him say. “I’ve got everything anyone could ever wish for – I have the best job, the best guys around me, and let’s be honest, I’m good looking.”
I start chuckling on the last one. He’s right, though.
“So, what’s wrong with me?”
I kiss his chocolate curls and rub his back, leaving my chin on the top of his head, closing my eyes lazily.
“It’s always the pretty ones, Arin. It’s always the pretty ones.”
It drove me insane before I even got to my bunk.
“Turn that shit off, I need sleep.” I practically whispered, trying to get to the other person without making my head explode.
Nothing happened.
“I said, turn that…” I started yelling, before hearing something other than music. Was it a… sob? What the actual fuck?
For the first time, I try to concentrate on the evil sounds. It’s coming from one of the top bunks. It’s not Matt’s, so it must be…
Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. Why the fuck would Arin be crying? He’s a kid with whole life in front of him, living his dream. He’s been hyper since the minute we took him on tour and never stopped jumping around on chairs, drums, our equipment, anything really. He did know when to retreat, there were a lot of bad days for us, but he, personally, had never had any reason to be depressed, not the one I would know of.
I don’t want to let him know I’m here and give him the chance to cover himself up, so I basically fly myself into his bunk. He looks terrified, turns around to face me, and I might just start crying myself. His face is a mess, his eyes are bloodshot, and he’s trembling. His hands hurry to his face, trying to hide the evidence of his sadness, but I won’t let him. He doesn’t have to.
I take his hands in mine, gently, by now forgetting about my headache. Oh, obviously not. Though I focus on him with every bit of strength I’ve got.
“Calm down. Whatever happened, it’s gonna be fine. Now, when you calm yourself a little, tell me what’s wrong. Okay?” It’s not until I finish my little speech that I realize I’m whispering.
He nods, still shaking, and it breaks my heart. Like some poor act of protection, my arm goes instinctively over his fetus-like body.
“Shhh…” I try to soothe him, crawling closer towards his thin figure, until his head falls on my chest and he starts sobbing so hard the whole bunk is shaking.
“Arin, I just want you to know one thing. If the bunk falls off because of your shaking and we die, I won’t blame you in the afterlife.”
He even manages a small smile I can feel through the night shirt I’m still wearing.
“I thought…” He tries speaking.
“I thought it’s going to be easier with time.”
His voice is weak and worn out, and I barely manage myself from shedding a tear.
“What?”
He takes a deep breath. His sobs have stopped, at least for now.
“All of it. Touring, making people happy, not disappointing anyone. When…”
Another sob. I clench my arm around him, maybe trying to stop his breathing so he can’t cry anymore.
“When this first started, I was so… nervous. Unsure. Unsure if I was good enough. When you and most of the others gave me green light, the way you acted towards me, it all fell into place. It was easier. For the first few months. But then I started getting this… This feeling of… I don’t know if I can explain it. That it was enough because I was just starting, I was a kid, a beginner. I… I don’t know if it’s going to be enough later. If it’s even enough now. And not just that. I have been away from home, friends, family, many times before, but never for something this big. I’m afraid… I’m afraid I can’t live up to their expectations anymore. That when I come back… They’re gonna be disappointed for letting me go away and me not doing enough. I don’t know, I don’t even know how to place the words. I’m just… Feeling down all the time lately. And I’m sorry for torturing you like this.”
For a few minutes, I have no idea what to say to him. We, as a band, have never had these problems before. I guess it’s because we took our journey one step at a time. He just made a huge jump and though he made it at first, when he looked down, his legs started trembling. I try to form my answer the best I can.
“Don’t even mention the last one. I want you to always talk to me when something’s bothering you, like you should’ve told me about this the minute it started happening. Look, I’m sorry I can’t promise anything. There is no “I” among us, so what I think and how I feel may not be enough. But, for what it’s worth… I hope you stay with us. I like you, kid. And that’s exactly what you still are – just a little kid. You have so much more of life and success in front of you. I don’t want you to stop second guessing yourself, because that means you’re maturing. But I want you to believe you are good enough, because you are, and I’m not even being biased here. Calm down, get some sleep, and I mean real sleep, and then come to the lounge with us to crack jokes and drink. Is that okay with you?”
I seriously hope this is enough to make him feel better. For what it’s worth, everything I said was true. I really meant it.
“Yeah, I’ll do that. Thank you, for everything.”
He hugs me tightly, but then I can feel him relax into it. I’m still holding him, and for the first time in days, a genuine smile lights up my face.
“I don’t even understand myself”, I hear him say. “I’ve got everything anyone could ever wish for – I have the best job, the best guys around me, and let’s be honest, I’m good looking.”
I start chuckling on the last one. He’s right, though.
“So, what’s wrong with me?”
I kiss his chocolate curls and rub his back, leaving my chin on the top of his head, closing my eyes lazily.
“It’s always the pretty ones, Arin. It’s always the pretty ones.”