Through the Afterglow

Rae had come home from her date absolutely beaming. I was obviously ecstatic for her, but at the same time, I was unsure of how to deal with it. What if I lost my best friend to this boy? She was in this love struck haze, drifting from room to room humming, and smiling to herself, while I sat on the couch eating cheetos. I felt awful and selfish, but I didn't want to lose her. She was the only one I could depend on. I loved her. I was happy she was happy, but I was worried.

We'd talked and discussed Brian for hours. She gushed about how gentleman-like he was, how adorable, how much she liked him, and I listened, so entranced in someone elses life that I would always be too afraid to lead. I'd heard the entire story of their date at least three times, because I asked to hear it over and over. I had mixed feelings, obviously. And I was confused.

I was sitting on the couch in men's boxers and a Led Zeppelin t-shirt a few days later, when I heard Rae giggling in the next room. Lately, I'd been waking up earlier and just sitting on the couch watching Dexter until about noon. She's stayed at my house the previous night, but I'd woken up before her, and was going by my usual morning routine.

The giggling got louder, and I slid off the couch and trudged to the guest bedroom (otherwise known as Rae's room). "What are you doing?" I mumbled as I pushed open the door. She was laying on the bed with a grin on her face and a phone pressed to her ear. She glanced over at me, and mouthed 'Brian'. I nodded, walking in and quietly closing the door behind me.

"Yeah, Jaz is here now." Rae said into the phone. "Does he now? Okay, I'll pass her over..." She said, her lips curling into a smirk. She took the phone from her ear and held it out for me. I looked down curiously, before taking it and pressing it to my ear.

"Hello...?" I said quietly.

"Hey there." said Stephen's voice from the speaker.

I shot a quick glare at Rae, before answering Stephen. "Oh... u-uh, hi..."

"Whats up?"

"Just.. hanging out. You?" I asked, leaning into the wall, just staring at Rae, who was happily staring back.

"Pretty much the same. I have a question for you."

"Do you now?"

"Yeah, um... Would you like to hang out Saturday? See a movie, or something?"

My heart gave an almost excited twitch, but it irritated me. I gritted my teeth, tapping my foot on the ground for a second before answering the only way I knew how. "I... I can't. I have a doctor's appointment."

The line was silent for a moment. All I could hear was the soft hum of electricity coming from the phone. "Okay, well, another time then."

"Yeah. Sorry about that."

I saw Rae frown, and look at the ground, so I just didn't look at her.

"No problem..." He said, sighing. I felt awful, and I wished that I could yes, say yes I want to see a movie. I wanted to sit in a dark theater and share popcorn and then maybe even have a goodnight kiss. I wanted that, but there was a wall. I could see through it, I could see him there, and even if I ran to it, to that potential of getting to know someone, I would hit that wall, and I would fall backwards, hurt from the impact.

"So, should I, uh, just give the phone back to Rae, or...?"

"Wait, can I ask you something else?" He said, his voice sounding urgent.

"Sure." I said slowly. I could feel Rae staring me down, not harshly, but sort of curiously. Like she couldn't understand what I was doing.

"Can you write down my number, or add it into your phone or something? Just in case something changes?"

I paused, thinking for a moment. "...Sure. Let me just grab a pen."

I did, and he gave me his number, which I wrote down, then put into my contact list. I wasn't totally sure why, but I saved it. Just in case, maybe? Just in case I needed to contact him for any reason. Not that I would unless I had to. I could see Rae smirking as I pressed the "save" button on my phone from the corner of my eye, but I tried to ignore it. I was happy without a man in my life.

Nothing needed to change.

--

"Jazlyn, are you crazy?!"

"Come on Rae, I don't ask too much of you, please, just do this for me... I can't do this without you." I begged. Rae walked away from me, her heels clacking noisily on the hospital floor.

"No! I'm not assisting you in lying to a boy who genuinely wants to get to know you!" She said, pushing a stack of medical files onto her desk.

"I'm not doing it to be a bitch, Rae, you know that." I said, my tone lightening considerably, so she'd at least think about my request. "I just... wasn't ready to spend time with him."

She pursed her lips, and whirled around to look at me. "I just don't understand why you're insisting that I do a check up on you."

I looked at the ground, kicking my tan high tops at the blinding white linoleum floor. "I just don't want to be caught in this lie... and I mean, I just want to see if everything is going okay with me, you know?" My voice was quiet, and weak. I looked up at her, and by her expression, I knew she'd given in.

"Well, what do you want to check up on?" She said, sighing.

"Blood work, an ultrasound, both. Doesn't really matter." I shrugged, grabbing a familiar patient sign in sheet and filling it out quickly, like I'd done it a thousand times before... and really, I probably had. "Do you have anyone waiting for you right now?"

She peeked around the corner, then bounced right back to me, shaking her head.

"Well, let's do this then." I said, faking a huge smile. My stomach was in knots, and that was the only way I could put it. It wasn't because I was sick, it was my mood, my nerves. I didn't know why I felt so restricted and anxious about this. I just met this boy, in a hospital waiting room, spoke to him a few times, and now, it was a constant struggle trying to keep myself emotionally safe. If someone were to ask me why, I wouldn't know what to tell them.

The appointment went by quickly, but it felt long. I was used to needles, and I was used to every single procedure, but it dragged on. I watched Rae stick the needle in my arm, and I watched her draw blood. I watched her as she determined that once again, nothing was wrong. I was completely healthy. There was no trace of anything wrong with my blood, there was nothing that showed up in my ultrasound. My breathing was fine, as was my blood pressure. I was fine, healthy. Unfortunately, my mood had gone down considerably. I was upset, and worn out, tired of fighting.

Rae went back to work on other patients, and I sat in one of the waiting room chairs, with lack of something better to do. Sighing, I took my phone from my pocket to check the time, see how much longer until Rae would be off work for the night and we could go do something.

Almost unconsciously, I went into my contacts and scrolled to the "S" section. I selected Stephen's name, and create new message.

Hey, it's Jazlyn. I'm at the hospital and my appointment is over. Would you still like to hang out? Go for a walk or something?

And I pressed send, which somehow, took an amazing weight off my shoulders.

I drummed my fingertips along the back of my phone until I felt it vibrate, only about a minute or two after I'd sent the message. I opened the message he'd written in reply.

Sure. Meet me at the park closest to the hospital?

I quickly typed in my response. Alright, be there in then.

I looked around for Rae, but she was somewhere else with a patient. I figured she'd be happy I was going to see Stephen, so I got up and walked out of the hospital, planning on telling her where I went after wards.

The whole walk to the park was a blur. When I stepped outside, it was pouring rain, but by the time I reached the park it was a slow drizzle. The sky was a dead grey, not so typical of the Arizona weather, but it was nice. Refreshing.

I saw Stephen standing in the middle of two concrete paths that people jogged and walked their dogs on. He was wearing jeans ripped at the knees and a Ramone's t-shirt, looking down at his phone with his dark hair cascading into his eyes.

"Hey there." I announced myself quietly as I stepped up to him, hugging my arms over my chest, shivering slightly

"Oh. Hi." He grinned up at me, sliding his phone into his pocket. "I was just about to text you to tell you I was here... but you're here too, so..." He trailed off, looking sheepish. My chest tightened, and I impulsively smiled. It's strange, the effect some people just instantly have on you. With no reason, they can irritate you, or make your day.

"Yeah," I smiled. "I'm here."

"Well, I'm glad." He said, smiling back, and turning towards the path. "Shall we?"

I nodded, following after him. I glanced up at the sky, feeling small raindrops patter on my forehead, soaking my bangs.

"So, how did the appointment go?" He asked, flashing me a shy half smile.

"It was good." I said, looking back down at my feet, and shrugging my shoulders. "I'm... healthy."

"Well, that's good." Stephen said happily, like my good health was sort of implied. Like it wasn't much of a big deal. I couldn't blame him for that, really, he didn't know... and I wasn't planning on telling him. "So whats with the change of heart?"

I was so entangled in my thoughts, I hardly even heard him. "Huh?" I looked up a few moments later, after his voice finally registered in my head.

"I was sorta convinced you really, really didn't want to see me... like, ever." He said, in a half joking manner, but I could see in his eyes, he was convinced it was the truth. I bit the inside of the cheek, blinking at him a few times before answering.

"That's not true..." I said firmly, almost harshly. I looked back down at the wet concrete, watching my feet move, one after the other. "I just didn't think today would work out. But it turns out it did." I sniffed.

"Are you sure you just don't like me?" He teased, shaking dark hair from his eyes. "I didn't think you did."

I laughed nervously, my legs suddenly halted. Like I couldn't will myself to move anymore. Stephen paused too, and turned to face me. His eyes fixed onto mine, and for some reason, I didn't look away like I normally would of. A half grin lit up his face, and I took a step closer to him.

"No..." I said shaking my head. "It's not that I don't like you."

"You sure?"

"Positive."