Like Phantoms Forever

I woke up with a pounding headache and no idea how I’d gotten back in my bed. The movement of trying to sit up made my stomach turn. I barely made it into the bathroom before I got sick.
I stayed on my knees in front of the toilet after I was finished, trying to figure out what had happened last night.
“I see that six pack came back to haunt you.” Gerard’s disappointed voice sounded from behind me.
“Is that what happened?” I vaguely remembered getting a beer, but not six.
“You were singing Demolition Lovers at the top of your lungs at four o’clock this morning. Mikey came down to get you and not only did you throw a beer bottle at him but you kissed him.”
“Oh God.” I groaned, resting my head in my hands. “The one time I fall off the wagon and he has to be the one who finds me?”
“Luckily everyone else was dead asleep so we’re the only ones who know. I brought you up while he got rid of the bottles.”
“Fuck.” My stomach turned again. “Oh no.” I leaned back over the toilet and threw up anything I’d ever eaten in my entire life. Gerard, to his credit, held my hair back while I was sick. And then to completely cement my love for him, he made me tea and some chicken broth and kept everyone away from my room.
Part of this was because I was nursing a hangover like you would not believe and partly because Mikey had come to my door and asked to come in.
I didn’t want to face him. I couldn’t remember anything from last night past getting the first beer, let alone kissing him. I slept for most of the day which was good because my head felt like it was splitting in half.
But the next day Gerard decided I’d been babied enough and left me to the wolves. Christa brought me food in the morning and asked if I had recovered from “the stomach flu” which I guess is what Gerard was telling everyone was wrong with me. Then Wes came by to take me to get my cast off finally. My leg looked wrinkled and white and so frail I was afraid to put weight on it. The doctor told me that I needed to take it easy while I was getting used to walking again. I was just thrilled to be cast free finally and be able to put on jeans again. I had actually brought a pair with me so while we were in the doctor’s office I changed into jeans for the first time in almost two months.
“Nice bell bottoms.” Wes giggled when I limped out of the room.
“Fuck off, I needed loose pants.” I didn’t want to try and get my leg into skinny jeans yet. Wes dropped me off at home before heading out for a date with Frank. Ray, Mikey and Gerard had gone to the studio and Alicia and Christa were going shopping.
I had the house to myself for the time being. I played fetch with Zero and curled up on the couch with Cupcake and Nightmare to watch a movie. Then I got bored with that and went upstairs to use my computer for a little bit.
If it hadn’t been for Zero barking, I never would have heard someone come in. I tiptoed over to the doorway of my room. I wasn’t gonna be the stupid horror movie chick who calls out “Who’s there?” and then cuts her ass cut up by a serial killer.
“Em?” Mikey called. Well, I’ll take my chances with the serial killer.
“Up here.” I said, regretting the words as soon as I said them. I’d changed into my pajamas already, a plaid nightshirt and some knee high socks. I looked ridiculous.
“Hi.” Mikey said softly when he came in.
“Hi.” I could see a shadow of a bruise on his left shoulder. “Shit, did I do that?” He glanced down at what I was pointing at.
“You still have horrible aim Emmy.” He chuckled.
“It’s a good thing I didn’t hit your face.” I pulled my knees up to my chest, then realized he could probably see my underwear if I did that.
“You hit my face with something different.” He sat next to me on the bed.
“I’m sorry.” I blurted before he could say anything else.
“It’s all right.”
“You could at least sound like you mean it.”
“Emmy…” He sighed. “I don’t want to play any more mind games.”
“Then don’t.”
“Do you still love me?”
“Yes.” That one, single word, spoken softly in the darkened room, hung in the air and echoed. “Do you still love me?”
“Yes.” I couldn’t have told you who moved first, Mikey or me. All I could tell you was that in the space between heartbeats his lips were on mine and we were grasping at each other. Every touch burned like fire. I’d missed him so much and you could tell. I tangled my fingers in his hair, drawing him closer to me as he left a trail of kisses down my neck.
One of Mikey’s hands had been slowly inching its way up one of my thighs, disappearing under my big shirt and stroking the skin of my hips.
“Mikey.” I whispered, burying my face in his neck. We weren’t those awkward teenagers on a bed in New Jersey, trying to figure out the mechanics anymore. Time had passed and we’d grown up, gotten better at the act of loving someone.
Afterwards, wrapped up in each other’s arms, reality came rushing back in a cold, greasy wave. That feeling was guilt and I knew it all too well.
Mikey wasn’t mine to hold. Not while he was still with Alicia.
“This never happened Mikey.” I said, forcing myself to push away from him. He just looked at me for a moment before nodding slowly.
“This never happened.” He got up, got dressed and walked out of the room.
I knew when Christa and Alicia got home and I was grateful that they walked past my room without saying hello. Wes and Frank were the next to come in, then Ray and Gerard. I pretended to be asleep when Gee came in and got ready for bed, kept my back to where he was lying on the windowseat.
The sobs that choked me were silent, a trick I’d learned long ago. I’d had to learn how to let your heart break quietly when I left Mikey in that airport.
And now I was letting it break again when I let him leave me.