Status: Completed.

That's All I Know, You're All I Know

That’s All I Know, You’re All I Know

“Ladies and gentlemen, we are All Time Low! Thank you so much for having us!”

Alex’s voice rang out through the arena; like a whisper compared to the almost deafening screams of the fans.

He grinned before bowing, taking one last look at the crowd and waving before walking off stage.

“Man that was intense! One of the best crowds we’ve had so far.” Rian exclaimed, bouncing up and down on his feet like a child.

Alex chuckled and threw a towel at his band mate, telling him to stop being such a faggot and to hit the showers.

“You look like you need a shower more than him, Gaskarth. I can smell you from over here.” A voice said from behind him, and even though Alex wasn’t looking, he could tell that they were smiling.

“Your mom, Barakat.”

“What about her? Did you manage to give her herpes again?”

Alex threw his head back and laughed, punching Jack in the arm as he turned around and walked past him, blushing slightly.

All fun and games put aside, Alex wasn’t in a good mood at all. He hadn’t been for a while. He ran his hand through his sweaty hair and sighed; as much as he loved Jack, and don’t get him wrong, he loved Jack, like, really loved him. Really really fucking loved the guy more than anything, he just really wasn’t in the mood for acting like a 13 year old tonight. He just wanted to get fucking shit-tossed and remind himself that he had a girlfriend back home and that he absolutely, 100% wasn’t an A-grade faggot and in love with someone he couldn’t have.

Alex gritted his teeth and curled up his hands into fists. No, he wasn’t going to argue with himself here. He wasn’t a faggot. He had a girlfriend. A lovely girlfriend that would do anything for him, and not to mention who was an absolutely remarkable fuck, too. He didn’t want to be seen as a pansy. His image would be ruined. He could just imagine the tabloids; Alex Gaskarth, big fucking flaming homo. He would lose all of his friends and fans; his career would be down the drain. He would have to live on the streets and give blowjobs to strangers for money and-

“I see that you’re not denying it.” Jack said, jogging to catch up with the sandy-haired man. “Did you fuck one-too many band sluts again, huh?”

“Shut the fuck up, Jack. I don’t have herpes. And you know that I have a girlfriend.” Alex laughed, but with a bit of an edge to his voice.

Jack raised his eyebrows and grabbed Alex’s arm, stopping him and spinning him around so he could look at him.

“Are you okay, man? I was only fucking around, I didn’t mean to-”

“No no no, Jack. It’s fine. I’m just… not feeling myself today, I guess. I’m sorry.” The older man swallowed thickly, running a hand through his hair again and looking down.

Jack tipped Alex’s chin up, looking at him intently. Now that he thought about it, and now that he had a good look at his friend’s face, Alex really did look like shit. He had bags under his eyes, which were bloodshot to hell, and overall he just looked haggard as fuck.

Jack frowned, stroking Alex’s chin stubble with his thumb. Alex closed his eyes and sighed for what felt like the millionth time in five minutes, brushing Jack’s hand off and walking away, leaving Jack standing there, still frowning.


Alex groaned and put his pillow over his face, sub-consciously hoping that he’d suffocate and then he wouldn’t have to put up with this shit anymore. And what made it worse, was that he was sober as a judge. Not like the front lounge full of people that were belting out Bon Jovi like it wasn’t 3 o’clock in the morning. So much for getting drunk and passing out in a corner somewhere.

Sometimes, when he was alone and he let his mind wander into the great unknown, he wondered if anyone ever knew. If anyone had ever caught him staring at Jack a little too long, a little too intently. If anyone had ever heard him moaning out Jack’s name softly as he reached orgasm. He knew it was unlikely, because when he tried he was a sneaky son of a bitch.

Then he then heard someone stumble into the bunk area, guessing that they had fallen over when he heard a loud thump and muffled giggling.

He didn’t have to pull back the curtain to his bunk to know who it was.

“You alright?” Alex asked half-heartedly.

Not that he wasn’t concerned that his friend had possibly broken something, because he was. He just wasn’t in the mood. As always.

“Mmmff. I brought you a present. Thought you could use a little pick-me-up.” The voice giggled again, tearing open the curtains and thrusting a bottle of vodka in Alex’s face.

Alex rolled his eyes and took the bottle from Jack, ripping off the lid almost immediately and gulping down half of the liquid. He felt the familiar burn in his throat and he shuddered, putting the lid back on the bottle and throwing it at the bottom of his bunk. His head was spinning already. The tell-tale signs of being on the road to intoxication dancing in front of his eyes. He turned to face Jack slowly, only to find out that the younger man was only inches away from his face. He gulped and clasped his hands together, trying to stop them from shaking. Jack smirked and slunk into the bunk, banging his head several times on the way. Alex grimaced and crawled down to the bottom of his bed, trying to fish out the bottle of sweet, sweet honey that would stop him from being such a faggot.

“Lexy, I’m bored.” Jack whined, dragging out the words. “It’s no fun out there without you. And Bon Jovi sucks.”

“Yeah, but you suck more.” Alex rolled his eyes again, crawling back up to meet Jack with his prize.

He tore the lid off again and gulped down more of the burning spirit, his eyes watering.

“Alex, calm down. You’re gonna be sick.” Jack slurred, snatching the bottle off of Alex and finishing it off.

Alex pouted and flopped down on the bed, his head spinning more than he would have liked it to. Maybe he was going to be sick. Maybe all over Jack’s face so that he would fuck off and leave him alone to wallow in his own misery.

“I know something’s bothering you.” Jack said, sounding considerably more sober than he actually was. “I’m here, Lex. Please talk to me.”

Alex gritted his teeth and closed his eyes, feeling Jack lay down beside him and snake his arm around his waist.

“Don’t ignore me, I’m your best friend! You know you can talk to me about anything. You’ve been moping around the place for ages. I would have thought you’d be the first person to start drinking tonight, but you just skulked back here and left me with all of them.” Jack mumbled, sniffing jokingly.

“You could have sat with Rian or Zack.”

“Yeah, but they aren’t you! Sure, they’re my best friends, but they aren’t my best best friend like you are. I wanted to spend some time with my Lexy-Boo. Now tell me what’s wrong.”

“We always spend time together, Jack.”

“Stop avoiding the fucking question, Alex!”

“I’m not fucking avo-” He cut off as he sat up too quickly; the room was spinning and everything looked like it was on a 90 degree angle. Yeah. Now he was drunk.

“You are!” Jack shouted as he also sat up. “Stop being such a fucking pussy Gaskarth and tell me what the fuck is wrong!”

“Fuck you, Jack! Back the fuck off.” Alex growled, making to get out of the bunk.

“No!” Jack snapped back, gripping onto Alex’s forearms tight, preventing him from moving. “You’re not moving from this fucking spot until you tell me what the fuck is going on in your head. I’m fed up of seeing you look like you’d rather jump off of a bridge than be here!”

“Well maybe I would rather jump off of a fucking bridge than be here!” Alex choked, tears pricking the corner of his eyes.

Jack gasped and pulled the older man into his chest, stroking the back of his neck.

“Please don’t say things like that. I don’t know what I would do without you, Alex. Where’s this come from, anyway?”

“I can’t do this anymore, Jack. I can’t go on pretending that everything’s okay. Because it’s not. It’s not.” Alex sobbed, clawing at Jack’s shirt, which was already half-soaked.

“Just, please. Tell me what’s wrong. I promise I can help you with whatever it is you’re going through. Just, don’t go through it alone, Alex. Let me help you. Please. I’m fucking begging you here.”

“I can’t, Jack! You have to understand that it’s hard! So fucking hard! I’ve been a fucking wreck for years and I don’t know how much more I can take! I just want it to stop!”

Alex was hammered. Words leaving his mouth like vomit. If he were sober, there would be no way in hell that he would be telling Jack all of this. He wanted to fucking punch himself; he wanted the ground to swallow him up until he was nothing. His head was spinning, eyes blurry because of the tears and the drunken haze that was surrounding him.

And Jack wanted to die. The words that were leaving Alex’s mouth cutting him like shards of glass, sobering him up swiftly. He had no idea how to fix him; he couldn’t stand seeing his best friend so broken like this. He had never seen him in this state before, and frankly, he was frightened. He had no idea that his friend was feeling like this. Sure, he had noticed that he had looked a little tired lately; he just figured that it was the stresses of the job. Everyone gets like that after being on the road for so long. But he had no idea it was this bad; that Alex was thinking… suicidal thoughts. It made him shudder, just thinking about Alex trying to kill himself. And in turn, it fucking killed him. He clung onto Alex for dear life, tears leaving his own eyes before he had a chance to fight them.

“Alex, please.”

“No, Jack. Just, no. I-”

And before he had a chance to finish his sentence, he shoved himself away from Jack roughly and proceeded to vomit all over both of them. Jack scrunched his face up, groaning loudly; feeling the hot, putrid mess leaving Alex mouth, ending up all over his legs and chest. He looked up at Alex, seeing him swaying on the spot where he sat; retching, chest heaving; his hair, legs and arms covered in his lunch from earlier. Jack put his brave face on, trying not to care about the vomit and rubbing Alex’s back awkwardly until he stopped.

“Feel better?” Jack asked soothingly. “Come on; let’s get you to the bathroom.”

Alex murmured in agreement, letting Jack haul him up out of his bunk. He slung his arms around Jack’s neck, nuzzling into it. Jack smiled and carried Alex out of the bunk area, heading towards the bathroom, not before he was stopped by Rian; which was fucking typical. Of course it wouldn’t work for him; to just carry Alex out into the lounge and not be stopped by anyone or to at least not to be noticed by anyone. Jack groaned inwardly and reluctantly let Rian stop him.

“Are you okay, bro? What’s wrong with him?” Rian asked, grimacing at his vomit-covered friends. “…Have you been crying? Your eyes are all red and-”

“Uh, he’s just had a bit too much to drink. I’m just gonna get him cleaned up.” Jack mumbled, pushing past Rian with a bit of force and slinking into the bathroom.

He leant Alex up against the sink, turning around and locking the door. He turned back around, eyeing his friend carefully, taking his own clothes off until he was left in just his boxers.

“Come on, man. Help me out here. You’re like dead weight.” Jack grunted, attempting to rid the older man of his clothes.

Alex slurred something unillegible, swatting at Jack’s hands. Jack huffed, not in the mood to deal with drunken and uncooperative Alex. Not after what had just happened.

He pulled Alex’s shirt off, throwing it in the general direction of the door. He had just started to unbutton his jeans but Alex’s hand stopped him.

“Trying to get into my pants already, brah? You’d have to buy me dinner first.” Alex grinned lazily.

Jack snorted and slapped Alex’s hands away, unbuttoning his jeans and shimmying them off of his legs.

“Come on, get up, man. If you drown in the shower because you can’t keep yourself up I’ll fucking kill you.”

The older man pouted and lifted himself up shakily, making grabby hands at Jack.

“Get in with me. You never know, I just might drown if you’re not there to save me.”

Jack raised his eyebrows and flicked him off half-heartedly.

“Fuck off, bro. I’m not getting in the shower with you.”

“Oh pur-lease, Jack!” Alex whined, trying his best to make puppy dog eyes at his brown-eyed companion.

Jack eyed him carefully, taking in the way Alex’s bottom lip jutted out, his eyes huge and watery, and that he was literally begging the younger man to shower with him. Who was Jack kidding, he had no willpower whatsoever when it came to the man in front of him. He sighed bitterly and tore his eyes away from his friend.

“Oh for fuck’s sake, go on then get in.” He murmured, shoving Alex in the direction of the shower.

Alex’s face lit up and he turned and climbed in the shower, grabbing Jack’s arm and pulling him in with him. Jack raised his eyebrows again and shut the glass door behind him. He reached behind Alex and turned the shower on, freezing cold water belting both of them on the head. Alex squealed and clung onto Jack, trying to get away from the icy water that was pouring down his back.

“Shh, it’ll warm up in a second.” Jack shivered, rubbing circles into Alex’s back soothingly.

As sure as, five seconds later the water started warming up. Alex bristled and purred. He fucking purred. Jack had to forcefully stop himself from bursting into laughter, biting his lip and scrunching his eyes up instead. Alex caught on, narrowing his eyes and shoving a bottle of shampoo into Jack’s chest.


“Wash my fucking hair, dickhead.” Alex slurred, turning around and shaking his head, like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

Jack snorted and squeezed the bottle, letting the gel cover his hand. He dropped the bottle at his feet and started massaging the gel into Alex’s hair. Alex made a squeaking sort of sound and shook his head playfully.

“You’re getting me covered in fucking soap!”

Alex giggled and elbowed the brunette in the stomach.

“You’re in a shower; you’re bound to get soap on you, asswipe.”

Jack narrowed his eyes and continued lathering up Alex’s hair.

It was when, about thirty seconds later, Alex moaned, Jack went rigid and stopped moving. His eyes widened to the size of tennis balls and he faltered, swallowing thickly, before grabbing the shower head with shaking hands and rinsing the suds off of the sandy-haired man’s head.

“You can wash your own body, man. Even I’m not going to go into that territory. I mean, I love you to death and everything bro, but I’m not slicking my hands up and down your girly-ass body for your sick pleasure.”

Alex’s stomach dropped. He furrowed his eyebrows and turned around to face Jack, but seeing the smirk on his face; he visibly eased up and smiled back at him.

“Whatever, man. You want this ‘girly-ass’ body of mine whether you want to admit it or not. Face it, Jack; I’m fucking hot.”

“Okay, bromeo. I think we’re done here.” Jack gulped, hands still shaking.

He turned around and opened the shower door, climbing out and wrapping a towel around his waist, shimmying out of his wet boxers. Alex tumbled out after him, doing the same.

“Okay come on; let’s get you into bed before you cause even more trouble.” Jack said, unlocking the bathroom door and spinning Alex around on his heels.

He marched him through the crowd of drunken people and back into the bunk area, successfully ignoring everyone who asked him what the fuck had gone on for him and Alex to both be in towels and soaking wet.

The he remembered about Alex’s bed.

He groaned and pressed the heel of his hand into his forehead, massaging his temples with his fingers. He pushed Alex out of the way, who was swaying on his feet dangerously and mumbling along to whatever shitty song was playing at the front of the bus, and gathered up the sick-covered sheets, throwing them outside the bunk area for some lucky sap to find and deal with. He was too tired to worry about it now.

He dug through his clean clothes, throwing a pair of boxers at his sandy-haired friend before dropping his towel and putting on a pair himself. He spun around to find Alex already in said boxers, leaning on the wall, eyes drooping and head nodding, falling asleep. Jack smiled and rolled his eyes, grabbing Alex’s arm and pushing him into his own bunk; he really didn’t want Alex sleeping on a vomit covered mattress. He’d have to think about how to clean that later. He climbed in after him and pushed Alex up against the wall, him being the notorious space-hogger that he was.

Just as he was nodding off, he felt a small prod at his back.

“What, Alex?” Jack groaned.

“Can you put your arm around me, please? I mean I- I just need a bit of comfort…” Alex trailed off.

Jack’s heart melted. He sounded so small and vulnerable, how could he refuse such a simple request? He had never deprived the older boy of anything in his life, always got him what he wanted. He turned around and wrapped an arm around Alex’s waist, the other tucking under his neck. Alex cuddled into Jack’s chest and sighed happily, drifting off to sleep almost immediately, Jack following him seconds after.

Over the next couple of weeks, Alex had avoided Jack like the plague.

He couldn’t believe that he had let himself get so wasted and let lose all of these confessions to him. At least he hadn’t told him what the reason was. Alex didn’t think he would be able to handle that. It was bad enough remembering what he had said and remembering that he had proceeded to vomit all over himself and Jack. When he woke up the morning after, mortified wasn’t the word. More like a mixture between humiliated, horrified and every other embarrassed feeling under the sun.

“Jesus Christ, Gaskarth. Get a fucking grip.” Alex mumbled to himself, smacking his forehead with his hand.

They all had the day off today, which found him sitting on the couch in the front lounge of the bus, watching some shitty infomercial about washing machines and trying not to kill himself out of shame. It had been weeks and yet he was still beating himself up about it. Alex had always been one of those people who thought about things too much; let it stew inside his head until he cracked and let whatever was bothering him drive him insane. It was a miracle that he wasn’t in a psych ward somewhere back in Baltimore, rocking backwards and forwards in the corner of a room.

Of course that was the moment when Mr. Barakat himself decided to jolt Alex out of his thoughts and saunter into the room like he didn’t have a care in the world. Alex tried not to glare at him, but all the same cursing him to Hell and back in his head for being so calm about the whole situation.

“Hey, man.” Jack smiled, plopping himself down on the couch next to Alex. “You okay?”

“Yeah. Peachy. What about you?”

“Super. Come on, you’re still not upset about that are you? It was weeks ago! Let it go, live in the now!”

Alex scowled and turned his attention back to the TV, which was blurring out an advertisement for some rap song. Maybe by Lil’ Wayne, Alex thought solemnly. Fucking rap music. They should just pick up an instrument and learn to play instead of-

His thoughts were abruptly cut off by Jack resting his head on his shoulder. He tensed up slightly, but forced himself to relax. He didn’t want Jack catching on. But of course, his body decided to betray him. Sweat gathered at his forehead, his palms becoming clammy, his breathing slightly laboured; trying his best not to have a panic attack. It was only Jack, and they had done this plenty of times before. But that was before Alex had his little meltdown a couple of weeks prior. Alex just wanted to fall of the fucking Earth; he was definitely going to cry.

But then of course, Rian and Zack decided to make an appearance, smirking when they saw Alex and Jack on the couch.

“You two are seriously adorable. You should just go out, already. Or at least fuck anyway.” Rian grinned.

Alex stiffened and jumped up off of the couch like it had suddenly caught fire, Jack shouting out a ‘hey!’ as he fell to the side, not expecting Alex to move so abruptly. Alex turned towards Rian, rounding up on his band mate, fire in his eyes. Rian visibly flinched and took a step back.

“What are you insinuating, Dawson?” Alex growled, eyes blazing.

“N- nothing, man. I was just-”

“You were just what?!” He screamed, taking another step towards Rian. “Insinuating that we’re faggots, is that it? What, isn’t Jack allowed to put his head on my fucking shoulder without the fear of getting called a fucking homo?”

Alex was seething. He gritted his teeth and balled his hands into fists at his sides. He tried to keep himself as calm as possible, really not wanting to hit one of his best friends.

“Jesus fucking Christ, Alex! Calm down! He was joking!” Zack intervened, pushing Rian out of the way in fear of him getting punched.

“Stay out of it, Merrick! I’m simply asking Rian why he felt the need to call me a faggot.” Alex fumed, averting his eyes to his other band mate.

Jack, on the other hand, was rooted to the spot, frozen in horror. Watching his best friend lash out at his two other best friends for… absolutely nothing, really. But maybe it was just Alex being touchy about the whole subject. But… what did that mean?

He stood up and came behind Alex, putting his hands on his hips. Alex froze to the spot, stiffening immediately.

“Calm down, babe. He was only joking. Just sit back down and we’ll-”

And that’s when Alex spun around and punched Jack right in the face.

“Babe?! Fucking babe?! What, are you a faggot, Jack?!”

Jack cried out, clutching his nose, blood pouring from it.

“ALEX! What the fuck?!” Zack screamed, dodging around the brown-eyed man and rushing over to Jack, who was leaning over the kitchen sink, breathing heavily.

Then Alex saw the blood. He paled and took a step back, before turning around and bolting out of the bus, leaving his three band mates to wonder what had made the big softie, Alex Gaskarth, turn into a raging inferno.

“Are you alright? I swear to fucking God I’m going to kill him when he decides to show his face again.” Zack gritted through his teeth, rubbing Jack’s back.

“Leave it, Zack. Let him go. He was just angry.” Jack mumbled, dabbing at his busted-up nose gingerly with a towel.

“What was that all about, anyway?” Rian asked timidly. “He looked like he was about to tear my fucking head off. What’s gotten into him?”

Jack turned his head towards Rian and shook it, mouthing ‘leave it’, referring to Zack, who was currently pacing around the room mumbling to himself about what he would do to Alex when he saw him next.

He honestly couldn’t believe that Alex had done that to him. Alex, his best best friend who he loved more than anything had clocked him one, for seemingly no reason. And then there was the fact that he had called him a faggot, which puzzled him to no end. He had never known Alex to come out with slurs like that; yeah, maybe joking about, but never serious. Alex wasn’t homophobic. He had never, ever reacted that way before when someone had made a comment like Rian’s to him. He had normally just smiled and told them to fuck off. But that was such a long time ago, Jack couldn’t actually remember when. Maybe years. What the fuck had gotten into him?

Thoughts of the older man danced through Jack’s mind; he just couldn’t get his head around the fact that Alex had punched him. Just swivelled around and drove his fist into his face like it had come to him naturally, like he done it all the time. Jack shook his head and decided what he was going to do next quickly before he could talk himself out of it.

“I’m going after him.” Jack announced suddenly, making Rian and Zack start a little bit.

He threw the towel into the sink and turned on his heels, marching towards the door.

“Oh no, I don’t fucking think so.” Zack snarled, grabbing Jack’s wrist like a vice.

“What the fuck, Zack? Get off me, man.” He was honestly getting tired of this; he just wanted everything to just stop being so fucked up.

“You’re not going after him, Jack.”

“I’m a big boy now, you know. I can fucking look after myself.” Jack snapped, yanking his wrist out of Zack’s death-grip and stomping out of the door.

Alex Gaskarth wasn’t a violent man, not at all.

In fact he was a very delicate, loving human being; the thought of harming someone or anything else made him shudder. He remembered one time when he was a kid, he had accidentally killed a bug, and he had cried for hours about it. And there was another time when he had stood on Baz’s paw, the small dog yelping and shooting off in the opposite direction. He had practically sprinted after the animal and caught him in a crushing hug, stroking his fur gently with tears filling his eyes.

So you could imagine the way he was feeling now that he had come to terms with the fact that he had punched his best friend of 10 years in the face, making him bleed and possibly haven broken his nose.

He was a complete wreck; sitting on a bench in the middle of nowhere with his head in his hands, rocking backwards and forwards, murmuring to himself.

“Oh my God. I just hit my best friend. I just hit Jack. I just hit the man I’m in love with.” He sobbed, cradling his head in his hands.

And then he completely broke down, crying into his hands.

He sat there, crying, for what felt like hours, but in reality was nowhere near that long. When he heard footsteps coming towards him, he kept his head down. Knowing who it was without having to look up. He felt the person sit down next to him on the bench and he sighed.

“Why are you here, Jack? You should fucking hate me. I popped you right in the fucking nose, man.”

“I don’t hate you, Alex. I just want to know why you did it.”

Alex groaned loudly and ran his hands through his hair.

“I don’t know! I don’t even remember doing it! All I know is that you called me ‘babe’ and I saw fucking red. I just fucking lost it. I just- I don’t know, alright? Drop it.”

“Yeah, but why, Lex? You don’t just smack someone in the face for calling you ‘babe’. There must be a reaso-“

“I said fucking drop it!” Alex screamed, his fists slamming against his thighs.

Jack looked at him sadly and twisted his hands together nervously; fearing the older man slightly.

Alex’s features softened and he sighed, leaning back on the bench and kicking at the ground.

“I know Jack, okay? I just, I don’t know. I don’t fucking know.”

They sat there for what felt like a lifetime. Alex, cradling his head in his hands and pulling at his hair, and Jack looking at him with a pained expression, just wanting to pull him into his arms and never let him go. Alex, the person who he cared for and loved more than anybody else in the world, the strongest person he knew, the person who was always telling the fans to always stand up for themselves and to stay beautiful, was basically crumbling before him. He looked nothing like himself. Sitting there, pulling his hair out and sobbing to himself. Jack wanted to cry. He didn’t want to watch his best friend fall apart in front of him. Alex had always been the strong one. If Jack fell apart now, who would be there to pick him back up when Alex obviously couldn't?

“Alex, I-”

Alex was beginning to panic; hyperventilating and shaking like a drug addict who couldn’t get to his next fix. Jack was literally this close to finding out the dirty little secret that would hands down completely ruin him and the funny thing was, he honestly couldn’t do anything to stop it. Unless he ran away. But Alex Gaskarth wasn’t a pussy. He couldn’t do that again. But then again, he couldn’t tell Jack. He just couldn’t. He couldn’t handle watching his best friend’s expression morph into one of disgust; telling him he was a repulsive human being and walking away. He didn’t know how much more he could take before he cracked.

“Calm down! You’re going to have a panic attack or something!” Jack panicked, voice breaking. “Let me in! Please! I would do fucking anything right now to get you to tell me what’s going on! But I swear Alex, I will never ever look at you again, let alone talk to you if you don’t tell me right fucking now!”

And that’s when Alex cracked; like a fragile mirror being smashed repeatedly with a hammer.

“For FUCK’S sake, Jack! I’m in love with you, you fucking asshole!” Alex screamed, his façade breaking into a million pieces, face turning a dark shade of red. “If you weren’t so fucking dense and oblivious to everything around you except for dick jokes all the time then you would of noticed a long fucking time ago that I looked at you differently than everybody else!”

Fish out of water was the only way to describe Jack’s expression at that exact moment. His eyes widened dramatically and his mouth opened and closed without making any noise. He knew something was getting to Alex, but never in a million years did he imagine something like this.

“I, but- I don’t understand, but what about L-”

“FUCK Lisa! I hate her! I fucking despise her! And what’s not to fucking understand? Let me spell it out for you, yeah?” Alex shouted, swivelling to face Jack and grabbing onto his shirt, scrunching up the fabric in his fists.

“I-AM-IN-LOVE-WITH-YOU, JACK-FUCKING-BARAKAT. Understand now?” He spat, before letting go of Jack’s shirt and standing up, shoving past the brunette and storming away with a face like thunder.

Jack stared after him with tears in his eyes, before his head dropped into his hands and he cried like a baby.

Alex really had no idea.

There comes a time in everyone’s life where they just have to sit down in a dark, silent environment and pound their head against a wall repeatedly while telling themselves that they’ve just ruined their own lives in the space of about twenty seconds.

Not really, but that was what Alex Gaskarth found himself doing at that particular moment.

He groaned and slid down the wall, his head tender and bleeding slightly from the harsh surface of the bricks that he had been smashing it against. He let the tears flow freely from his eyes now, not giving two fucks because God damn it he’d ruined everything.

He was dizzy; his surroundings hazy and jumbled up. Maybe it was because of the tears, but was probably because he had been headbutting a brick wall for a good ten minutes or-so. He brought his knees up to his chest and breathed out heavily. He had no idea what to do next. He had basically blown up like an atom bomb at his best friend and consequently declared his undying love for him. He snorted at the thought and headbutted his knees for good measure.

It was dark now; he had no idea what time it was but he could tell that it was getting late. He could imagine Matt throwing a complete bitch fit on the other two members of the band that were still on the bus. They had to get going soon, they had a show to play tomorrow night; but they couldn’t exactly leave when the two guitarists were missing in the middle of some small, bumfuck town with no sense of direction and, let’s face it, Alex and Jack had absolutely no common sense between them. Not even enough to shake a stick at.

Alex let his mind wander back to the younger man, thoughts of Jack and himself when they were younger ran through his head like a fucked up gag reel; almost like his sub-conscious was taunting him, telling him that he had royally fucked up and those sweet, yet bittersweet, memories were all the in the past and he could never get them back again. He was 99% sure that Jack was probably back on the bus now, laughing his ass off as he told Rian and Zack just how much of a faggot he was. Yes, they were all probably having a jolly good time thinking of ways they could get a new lead singer; one that wasn’t a flaming homo.

He groaned even louder this time, thinking that he should probably get up and go back to the bus. Make it easier for all of them by packing up his stuff himself and getting the fuck out of dodge before they had a chance to rag on him too much. But the thought of getting up made him sick, so he stayed where he was.

He lifted his head up and let it fall back against the wall with a sickening crack. He winced slightly, but pretty much numb to everything around him by now. The wind blew cold and harsh against his grazed, tear-stained face; but he couldn’t even feel it. His insides were churning; a horrible panicky feeling right in the pit of his stomach. It made his fingers tingle, and he shook them before wrapping his arms around himself.

He fleetingly thought about the other 1%; the fact that Jack would be probably okay with his little outburst and that he hadn’t even gone back to the bus yet, never mind tell his band mates what had happened. But as soon as it came, he shook the thoughts from his head; along with a new batch of tears that was making their way to his eyes.

What would the fans think, seeing their hero like this? Seeing the person that always told them to stay strong and to always keep their head up, to not give a fuck what anyone thought of them and to stay beautiful, crying in an alleyway in the middle of fucking God knows where? But then again, Alex never, ever took his own advice. The day he actually listened to the words that left his own mouth would be the day that Jesus Christ himself rose up from that rock he had been sleeping under for thousands of years and walked the Earth again.

He choked on a sob and buried his face in his hands, curling in on himself and blubbing into them. He was pathetic. He really didn’t know why he was even here. His existence was utterly ridiculous. As he cursed at his parents sub-consciously for making him, he rubbed his eyes with the heels of his hands and sighed.

What now?

How long had he been sitting there for, crying about how piss-poor his life was?

He pulled his phone out of his pocket, noting that he had been sitting there for an hour.

He really was pathetic.

He stared at his phone for a while, almost like if he stared hard enough it would give him the answers. And before he could even realise what he was doing, he was dialing a familiar number and putting the phone to his ear.


“Hey… I didn’t wake you up, did I?” He asked in a small voice.

“Oh hey, sweetie! You just caught me actually; I was just about to put the dogs out before I went up to bed. Are you okay, babe?” Came Lisa’s soft reply.

“Oh… well um, I need to talk to you about something, actually.” Alex murmured, curling in on himself even more.

Even though his girlfriend was all the way back in Baltimore and he was in the middle of nowhere, he was still slightly afraid of what the woman’s reaction was going to be. He knew she wasn’t going to take the news well; they were talking over a phone for Christ’s sake, but he was still scared.

“Shoot, babe.”

“I uh, I think we should break up.” He said hastily.

There were a few moments when Alex thought she had hung up, and just as he was about to throw his phone at the wall, she cleared her throat.

“Excuse me?”

Alex closed his eyes as bit down on his jacket sleeve as he tried to will away the tears that were surfacing again.

“I said, I think we should break up. And listen Lis, before you start ranting on about how much of a dick I am and that I can ‘go fuck all the band sluts that I want’ just forget about it, because it’s nothing like that. I just… don’t feel the same about you anymore. I love you, and believe me when I say that because I do love you so fucking much, but I just don’t love you… like that, anymore. Please understand Lisa, this is really hard for me. I don’t want to lead you on. I want us to get out of this while we can still be friends afterwards. Because even though I don’t want to be with you anymore, I’m not prepared to lose you completely. And I mean that sincerely. Just please, try to see it from my point of view. I don’t want to be in a relationship with someone that I don’t love. It’s not fair on me, or you. I’m sorry, Lisa. I’m so sorry.”

There was another moment’s silence where all Alex could hear was quiet sniffles and quick breathing. He sighed, and was about to hang up before Lisa spoke again.

“I- I understand, Alex. I do. And I just want to thank you for being honest with me. It really means a lot to me, you know. That you were completely honest and told it like it was. You always were such a stand up guy.”

Alex laughed softly.

“But, I- I have to go, okay, Alex? And of course we can still be friends, because even though I’m losing you as a lover, I couldn’t bear to lose you as a friend, too.”

Alex sighed and rubbed his hands over his face, nodding slightly before realize that his now ex-girlfriend couldn’t see him.

“Sure, Lis. Just, don’t pack up all your stuff right away, okay? Wait until I get home so that we can talk properly. I feel like such an ass for doing this over the phone, but it was killing me and I really couldn’t take it anymore.”

“O-okay. I’ll speak to you later, Alex.”

“I’m sorry Lisa. I really am.”

“Bye, Alex.”

And then the line went dead.

He sighed again and stuffed his phone back in his pocket. God damn it.

“Alex? Are you there?”

Alex stiffened and turned his head in the direction of the voice, immediately noting that the voice was Jack’s, and that it was panicked and rushed.

Not now, please not now.

He shakily made his way to his feet and leant against the wall for support, feeling that he would collapse any second. The horrible, sick, panicky feeling back in his stomach making him want to hurl again.

“Alex? Please, if you’re there. I need to talk to you.” Jack’s voice rang out again, sounding closer to where Alex was and more panicked.

Alex gulped and pushed off of the wall on wobbly legs, walking in the direction of where he supposed Jack was. As he turned the corner to walk out of the alleyway, he almost landed straight on his ass as 6” something of Jack barged right into him. Jack gasped and lunged instantly, grabbing Alex to stop him falling over.

“Thank God, I thought I’d never be able to find you. I’ve been looking all over for you.” He rushed, crushing Alex to his chest and burying his face in his hair.

Alex breathed unsteadily as he let Jack hug him. This was a good sign, at least. He thought that the younger boy would be pummeling him into the ground by now.

“Why did you run off like that, Lex? You didn’t give me a chance to-”

“Save it, Jack.” Alex sighed, pushing himself away from the taller man. “I know what you’re going to say, so just- don’t, okay? I really don’t need to hear it. I’m fucked up enough as it is.”

Jack smiled sadly at his sandy-haired friend and grabbed his wrist, stroking the pulse-point affectionately.

“I broke up with Lisa.”

Jack faltered in stroking his wrist a bit, but continued anyway.

Alex looked up into brown eyes that mirrored his own and he honestly could have died right there.

Jack was looking at him like he was the most flawless thing that he had ever seen, like he was the most perfect being in existence. He stared at him with such love and adoration that Alex almost fell over, suddenly thankful for the tight hold that Jack had on his wrist.

“Jack, I-”

“You never gave me a chance to say anything back. You just upped and left me to cry to myself.” Jack said softly, a light blush dusting his cheeks in embarrassment.

Alex opened his mouth to retort but Jack put his finger against his lips, and Alex had to hold back the gasp that threatened to leave his mouth when he felt the sparks of electricity shoot through his veins.

“No, don’t say anything. Just let me talk, okay? And afterwards you can do whatever you want. Just hear me out, yeah?”

Alex stared for what felt like a lifetime before nodding slowly, sub-consciously stepping closer to his friend, so close that he could feel the body heat radiating off of him; he hadn’t realised how cold it was. Too wrapped up in his own thoughts to notice, or care for that matter.

“Alex, we’ve been best friends for what, 10 years now? Best friends tell each other everything, and that’s why it hurt me so much that you felt like you couldn’t come and talk to me about something that was upsetting you.”

Alex dropped his head in shame.

“We’ve always been there for each other, haven’t we? You were there for me through all my little ups and downs, and I’ve always done the same for you.” He continued, nudging Alex’s chin up so that he was looking at him again. “I care about you so much, Alex. You actually have no idea. You called me dense, and oblivious just a little while ago. But I actually think that it’s you who’s the dense and oblivious one.”

With that Alex furrowed his eyebrows and stared questioningly at the other man.

“What do y-”

“I love you, Alex.”

And Alex felt like the whole world had shifted underneath him. He suddenly felt airy and light-headed, like he was going to float the fuck away if Jack let go of him.

“I’ve loved you all this time, baby.” Jack smiled, his eyes glossy with tears that were threatening to spill over. “I guess I just never had the balls to tell you how I felt. But now I feel like a dick for not telling you sooner; it probably would have stopped you from feeling the way you did about the whole thing. I never meant to make you feel like you couldn’t come and talk to me.”

Alex gawked at his lanky friend, looking like a fish as his mouth opened and closed repeatedly.

“Do- do you really mean that? That- that you, you love me, I mean. Because I swear to God, Jack. If you’re fucking with me…”

“Alex, do you really think that I’d fuck with you after all this? Everything that’s coming out my mouth right now is 1,000% true, I promise you that right now. There’s no way in fucking Hell that I’d joke around about something like this. I- I know how fragile people are, how frail their hearts and resolves are. I would never, ever mess around with someone like that. If someone has the balls to confess to you how they feel for you then you need to take care of that information like it was a newborn baby. You need to cherish it and thank God that you have this person in your life. It doesn’t matter what gender, race, or ethnicity that this person is, just know that if you feel the same way for this person, then you need to let them know before it’s too late; otherwise you’ll regret it for the rest of your worthless life.” Jack finished, stroking the side of Alex’s face tenderly.

Alex choked and threw pride to the wind, throwing himself into Jack’s chest and flinging his arms around his neck; sobbing like the proverbial newborn baby that was mentioned not twenty seconds ago.

“I love you, Jack. I love you so fucking much. I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I was so scared to tell you how I felt, but I just couldn’t handle the thought of you pushing me away. I love you; oh my God I love you.”

Jack buried his face into Alex’s neck and cried quietly, wrapping his arms around his waist and fisting his hands into his hair from behind.

“I love you too. So so much, Alex. I never in a million years thought that you could be in love with someone like me.”

“Don’t you dare say things like that.” Alex said warningly, pushing himself away slightly and touching the taller man’s cheek softly. “You are perfect, Jack Barakat; and don’t you dare let anyone tell you otherwise. You are the most beautiful, loving, caring person I have ever met in my life. And you know that I’ve met a lot of people, Jack.”

Jack laughed gently and pulled Alex into his chest again, stroking his hair and kissing the top of his head.

“I never want to let you go, Alex. You have no idea how long I’ve been waiting for this.”

“If it’s anything like what I’ve been through, I’d say a fucking lifetime.”

There was a moment’s comfortable silence where they just stood and held each other tightly, before Jack piped up again.

“Oh, and Alex? Why’s your face bleeding?”

Alex blushed fiercely and let his head droop.

“Well, I was-”

“Save it, it’s in the past now. All I want to focus on now is that after all these painful, lonely years, you’re finally mine.”

Alex positively beamed at the younger man and stepped forwards tentatively, before tilting his head up and softly pressing his lips to the other’s.

Jack smiled and wrapped his arms around his new lover’s waist, crushing him to his body and sighing happily.

Alex pulled away first, peering up at the other man with a cheeky look in his eye, and Jack caught on straight away.

“What do you say we go back to the bus and announce that All Time Low’s two guitarists are giant fags and are both in love with each other?”

Jack laughed heartedly and nodded his head, a huge grin gracing his face.

“I’d say that’s the best idea I’ve heard all day.”

“…You are my only one, you are my only one. You are my only one, you are my only, you are my only.” Alex’s strong voice sang out to the arena full of screaming kids once more, only this time, he had a huge smile on his face, not faltering once.

The crowd went ballistic, screaming and cheering and clapping like their lives depended on it.

Alex blushed slightly before walking back up to the microphone and addressing the crowd bravely.

“Ladies and gentlemen, I would just like you to know that I am a very happy man. So fucking ecstatically happy for the first time in a very long time. I finally have the love of my life by my side, and everything’s looking up for Alex Gaskarth right now.”

And of course, the crowd went mental at this information.

“I just want that person to know that I love them, I love them more than anything. I love them more than the stars and the moon and everything under the sun on God’s green Earth.”

Alex turned his head to the side, catching Jack’s eyes, which were teary and happy, and gave him a small wink.

Jack beamed back.

And the crowd didn’t miss a beat.
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My first Jalex... don't judge.