Jumping Into Rivers

“Shit!” Louis cried, letting go of Diana’s hand and running to the railings. He leaned over and almost threw up at the sight he saw. His body was in the water, thrashing about, coughing and spluttering out the dirty Thames water. The boy in the water was crying, his gasps were panicked and regretful. But he didn’t have time to scream for help. The current was taking him under, drowning him. Trying to claim him.

Louis felt empty as he watched himself die. All alone. What made him do it? In the water bobbed that vodka bottle, not bothered by its drowning owner. He had been drunk. So foolishly drunk. “Am I dead yet?” Louis whispered, his voice strained. Diana, who had moved to stand next to him watched the drowning boy with pity.

“A few more seconds,” she sighed. And they watched together and Louis stopped moving. They watched as he stopped splashing and coughing and how he simply let go. He just lay, floating in the water, drifting away with the current, only his head visible. Eyes closed, but mouth open, full of dirty water. A tear fell down Louis’ eye. This was reality. Three days ago this could have been real. If Diana didn’t show up, Louis wouldn’t be alive right now. Louis would be that dead body in the Thames. Waiting for someone to spot him. Louis Tomlinson...dead.

“What now?” Louis sniffed. Honestly he couldn’t quite get his head around it. He felt empty. He’d watched himself die. And although it luckily hadn’t happened in real life, it felt real. Louis could feel every emotion leave his body like he had died too. He was dead now. There was no turning back. And he realised now what Diana meant. He wasn’t ready. He wasn’t prepared to see what would happen now that he was dead. How people would react and how his mother would cry.

“We can go back if you want?” Diana offered. She’d obviously noticed how distressed Louis was after witnessing is own death. “We don’t have to do this now. It’s difficult and I know you’re not ready.”

“No,” Louis said. Stern as he wiped his eyes. “No, I need to see what happens. You’re right. I need to understand.” Diana nodded, her blonde hair shining. She tucked it behind her ear and said, “Is there anything you want to know? How you were found? Who found you?”

Louis licked his lips and replied, “Can you just tell me? I...I don’t think I can handle seeing me again. Not when I’m dead...it hurt too much,” Diana nodded again, understanding his request.

“You were found by a man named Peter, 39 years of age at 6:54a.m the next morning. He was walking his dog and saw you floating in the river. Immediately he called the police. He was panicked. It was the first time he’d ever seen a dead body. He waited until they came and he told them what he’d seen. Three police men dragged you out of the river. You were blue from the cold, and stiff because...well...you were dead. It took one policeman half a minute to realise exactly who you were. It was PC Evans. He recognised you as being Louis from One Direction. His 15 year old daughter was in love with you and had your poster on her wall. It was then that they realised exactly what they were getting themselves into. One of the members of the UK’s hottest boy band was dead.

They took you to the hospital, in one of those black body bags. They’d already rung the hospital. The doctors and nurses knew who they were expecting, and were surprised too. The same question was on everyone’s lips. “How did he die?” The police knew this wasn’t a normal death. People don’t just turn up floating in the Thames, especially not a famous person. The first thought was murder. Simple enough. A male jealous of your money and fame kills you. Either accidental or on purpose, they couldn’t decide. They didn’t dwell on it for too long. The doctors figured out you died roughly at 11p.m. the previous night. You must have been out on your own, the police guessed. Because anyone else would have reported your death by now had they been with you.

They had to make the call. You know the one. Your Mother was first. And through her tears she told them she would be on the first train down. The boy’s house was next. Zayn picked up. He couldn’t even tell the boys what had just happened. They all piled into a taxi confused and Zayn started to hyperventilate. While all this was going on the media had obviously got their hands on your death. Breaking news you were. The fans cried. All of them. From all over the world. They couldn’t believe it. And they didn’t believe the rumours of suicide either. You were happy they said.

But of course the police found the CCTV footage of you jumping. No doubt about it. Suicide. No one could believe it. But it was the truth. You killed yourself and no one could understand why. Do you want to see now?” Diana finished her explanation. Louis was holding onto the railing for dear life. He thought he was going to pass out. He felt disgusting. What had he done? He didn’t even realise but slowly he nodded his head and Diana took his hand.

And then he was home. At the boys house. They were inside the living room, stood in the corner, watching the boys. Louis realised straight away they already knew. They’d already been to the hospital and identified the body. Liam was quiet. Niall was quiet. And Zayn was quiet too. All of them. Not a single word. They knew...they knew about the suicide. They were angry, and upset. Why didn’t Louis tell them he was upset?

“Where’s Harry?” Louis whispered with a whimper. Diana bit her lip and asked, “Are you sure?” again, Louis nodded and suddenly they were in Harry’s room. And the sound that met them made Louis’ heart shatter. Harry was hysterical. He’d never heard him cry like this before. He was face down, on his bed, head shoved in a pillow. Screaming for all it was worth. Sobbing and sobbing and sobbing. “He’s been like this for three hours now,” Diana added, letting go of Louis’ hand and taking a step forward.

“He refused to believe it until he saw your body,” Diana said, casting a glance at the curly-haired boy. “He vomited and then fainted when he saw you. And hasn’t stopped crying since.” She sighed sympathetically as Harry continued to wail. After a few moments Harry finally lifted himself up and Louis saw his face. Pale. So incredibly pale. With red eyes, and puffy cheeks. He looked worn out, and he was sure no more tears could spill from the pretty boys face.

But still he cried. Diana and Louis watched him for five minutes longer. He had started to pace his room, throwing items around and screaming at how mad he was. Why had Louis does this to him? Why didn’t Louis tell him? Why today of all days? “I’ve had enough,” Louis said. His voice was cracking and he could barely speak.

“Okay,” Diana said carefully, taking his hand again. “Want to see how the media took it?” Louis sniffed and said okay.

They were stood outside a news agents, the front page of practically every newspaper had his face. ‘LOUIS TOMLINSON FOUND DEAD AFTER RIVER SUICIDE’

Two women walked past, one with a blue eyed baby in hand. “Awful, isn’t it?” one of them said, pointing to the papers. “Yeah. I wonder what happened to him? What made him do it? It’s so sad. So young too,” and they walked off, without another mention of him.

A teenage girl walked past too. She looked sad. She noticed the newspapers, and her face instantly dropped. Heartbroken she was. “Were you a fan?” the owner asked, standing in the doorway of the shop. She sniffed and said, “Yeah. He was amazing. He always looked so happy but,” she shrugs, “I guess not everything is as it seems,” she gave a small smile before walking on, leaving the shop owner to daze after her in concern.

“You didn’t just break your family’s hearts, Louis,” Diana softly spoke, noticing how upset he seemed. “You broke her heart too. You broke millions of hearts. And still you don’t know why you did it.” Louis looked down in shame and watched as more people walked past the store. Some not even bothered by today’s headline, but most were pointing and whispering amongst themselves.

“What did they actually say?” Louis asked, meaning the newspapers. He drifted his eyes towards one particular newspaper, The Sun. Only this morning he was reading the same compact paper, laughing at the pictures of himself and his boys playing in the park. But now was a much different story.

“I’ll show you,” Diana stated, taking the newspaper Louis was looking at and opening it to the relevant page. Louis had to swallow away the lump in his throat at the two page spread that met him. On the page sat a photo of himself, taking up a majority of the page. The picture was specifically of him smiling directly at the camera. A seemingly happy boy, with cash to burn and ladies clutched to his arms. So the story said anyway. Louis scanned another paragraph and had to look away. It was all too much. This was after all his suicide they were talking about.

“Do you want me to tell you the rest?” Diana asked sincerely. Louis just sniffed and nodded a reply. Diana cleared her throat and began to explain, “There were so many rumours, Louis. As I’m sure you can imagine. After all you were one of the most famous people in the country. According to both your family and friends you were so extremely happy, or so they thought. They realised that perhaps behind closed doors you weren’t the happy Louis they were so use to seeing. The one that would act out and be silly in front of the cameras. Some people speculated that you had a drinking problem, as of course the hospital tests revealed that there was alcohol in your system at the time of your death. Of course that is not true though as far as I can tell.

There were of course more rumours. Rumours which, I believe, could have been true. They’re a lot more probable than an addiction. People began to realise that perhaps you were depressed. They say you never quite fitted in with the band. You were insecure about your voice and never really felt like you belonged. It all started with the criticism during the X Factor days. The boys did an interview, and Liam said he saw a difference in you then. That your blue eyes lost their sparkle a little. Steve Brookstein was also a massive factor in your downfall. His words on twitter were just too much for you, and although you hid behind a smile you weren’t happy. The boys said they could tell you were never completely happy...not as happy as you acted anyway. Harry said that he use to kid himself. That some days he would look at you and see the sadness in your eyes but would just say you were tired. Because at the end of the day, Louis, you were the one that was keeping them together. Your laughter and jokes and genuinely kind nature kept them together. And once you were gone...it just fell for them. You saw that Harry took it so hard. He would never forgive you, Louis. Never.

Your mother was devastated. She thought maybe you’d thought she’d forgotten about you. Because she has so many daughters and because you were flying across the globe that you was insignificant to her. And she blamed herself, for not being close. For not looking after you when you should. She got terribly angry at management too. She said they didn’t look after you properly.

The fans didn’t know what to think. They were confused. Because they too thought you were happy. There’s something wrong with you, Louis. And I think I know the reason why. Are you starting to see now, or do I need to show you?”

Louis took a deep breath after all that Diana had just told him, and said, “Show me what?”

Diana didn’t reply and instead took his hand.

Louis recognised his surroundings. He’d been here before but only a few times. Harry’s bedroom. His real one, in Holmes Chapel. Screaming was coming from downstairs, and Louis didn’t have to guess twice to know who it was.

“You don’t understand!” Harry screamed as he stomped up the stairs. “He was my best friend. My best friend. And now he’s gone. He killed himself. He’s dead! He fucking left me!” Harry’s voice was cracking. It was usually deep but now it was high and screeching.

Louis peeked out from the door and saw Harry sitting on the stairs, face red as he sobbed. His Mother, also in tears stood at the foot of the steps, begging her child to calm down. “Please, Harry,” she sniffed, “Please, please. Calm down,”

“Calm down!” Harry continued to wail. “How can I calm down? He’s dead! He’s never coming back and it’s all my fault. I knew. I could see it in his eyes. I knew. I knew. I knew. I knew,” With each passing word Harry hit himself on the forehead, teeth gritted. “I KNEW AND I DIDN’T SAVE HIM. I DIDN’T SAVE HIM AND HE’S FUCKING GONE. I DIDN’T GET TO SAY GOODBYE!” Harry screamed at the top of his lungs, so hard that Louis could almost feel how Harry’s voice was straining.

Harry ran quickly up the stairs before his Mum could say anymore and slammed the door behind him. Inside his room Harry continued to cry. Much like the first day that Louis died. Diana and Louis watched as he curled up on his bed in a snivelling wreck, whispering to himself over and over, “Why, Louis? Why, why, why, why, why,”

“I’ve seen enough,” Louis said. Voice thick as he watched his friend grow into hysterics.

“Want to see your funeral?” Diana asked, taking his hand so they stood in a graveyard.

It was beautiful. A perfect summers day, with no clouds in the sky and the sun blazing. At least fifty people stood around the coffin. All in black, tissues in hand. Louis couldn’t help but notice how small Harry looked in his black suit, head down looking at his feet as tears dripped from his eyelashes. In fact all the boys were there, looking uncomfortable in their suits.

His Mother’s face was hidden by a wad of white tissue, and his sisters clung to one another as they looked up at the glossy wood in front of them. Their dead brother inside, blue and stiff.

“We’re gathered here today,” the old man tried to speak through the sobs of the crowd, “to celebrate the life of Louis Tomlinson, taken so cruelly from this world at such a young age...”

Diana and Louis couldn’t hear the rest of what had to be said, because Harry started laughing. He really did, right there in the graveyard. People turned towards him as his curls bounced up and down as did his shoulders.

“He wasn’t taken cruelly. He took himself,” he muttered. Anne was stood directly behind him. She placed her hands on his shoulders firmly and whispered in his ear, “Not now love. Not here,” but Harry ignored her.

He laughed again, and said, “He left me. He left everyone! He’s selfish!” his voice grew louder. “He’s a selfish motherfucking...fucker! He left me...he left me when I needed him. Louis, I hope you can fucking here me right now because I fucking hate you! I hate you! I hate you for leaving me here!” and then Harry ran. All eyes were on the young boy as he ran away from his dead friend. He couldn’t bear it any more. And neither could Louis.

“Diana, I want to go. I want to go now, I don’t want to see any more. I can’t. Not now,” Louis said. His voice was surprisingly quiet, and Diana just nodded. And then they arrived back where they started. Louis’ room. And Diana looked dead again. Her skin was pale and her eyes were blank.

“We’re back?” Louis stated, realising they were in the present day. And that he was indeed still alive and he didn’t drown in the Thames three days ago like he was going to do. He turned to his mirror and saw his distressed reflection. Skin pale and eyes red from the horror of what he had seen. And that’s when it hit him...he really was fucking alive. And all he could say was one thing to Diana. “Thank you,”

“It’s okay,” Diana said, smiling at Louis’ finally smiling face as he realised none of what he had just seen had really happened. “But, Louis. We need to talk...we need to talk about Harry and it’s urgent.” Louis’ smile dropped.

“But I still don’t get what you’re saying. Harry hated me. And I...I killed myself. If I did that then why would I...why would I love him?” it clearly sickened Louis to think of this fact. He didn’t want to love his band mate.

“Louis, I’ve seen it before. People kill themselves because they feel lost. They want something they can’t have but they don’t actually know what that something is. They feel empty without it, and it physically hurts. But because they don’t know what’s missing they kill themselves to avoid hurting anymore. Louis...you did just that. I know you did. I look at you and I can tell there is something missing in you. And right now you have just discovered what it is, but you don’t want to admit it.”

“I don’t love him,” Louis said sternly. “He’s my band mate. Okay? He’s a...he’s a boy. He’s my best friend. That’s all. My best friend.”

“There’s nothing wrong with who you love, Louis. Remember that,” Diana said. “And all I can say is why was Harry so angry? Hmm? I’ll tell you why, Louis Tomlinson. It’s because he felt the emptiness too, and only discovered what was missing when it was too late. He was angry, Louis, because he loved you too. I see the looks he gives you. And I know you’ve seen them too. I’m not a liar, Louis. So please believe me,” she gave a final pleading look to him before leaving him on his own. She disappeared in a blink of an eye, leaving Louis confused and angry.

He didn’t love Harry, and Harry didn’t love him. Because that would be disgusting...wouldn’t it?