Jumping Into Rivers

“Alright, boys?” was the way Louis greeted his fellow band members in the kitchen. He picked the last mug from the counter knowing it was his own and downed the now Luke-warm tea.

“Yeah, you?” Liam replied, not taking his eyes off of his laptop screen as he typed furiously. So eager to get ever last memory on the webpage before his brain caused him to forget it.

“Yeah, I’m good. I’m glad to be home,” he smiled and noticed Niall smile in agreement “where’s Zayn?” he asked once he noticed the member missing.

“Smoking” Niall replied, dunking another biscuit in his tea and groaning in anger when it broke before he could get it into his mouth. Sneakily he lowered his head to the worktop where it had dropped and ate the soggy digestive straight from the counter before anyone else could see.

Louis turned around after spotting Zayn in the garden rotating between sipping from his mug and puffing on his cigarette.

“I thought he was meant to be quitting?” Louis stated, dumping his mug in the sink and looking into the murky dish water.

“He was” was all Liam could say until the subject was dropped when the boy they were speaking about enter the kitchen, bringing the smell of cigarette smoke with him.

Zayn also dumped his mug into the sink and began helping Louis un-stack the dishwasher. From the living room they could hear Harry finishing off a phone call to his mother.

“First thing he did when he came in” Zayn smirked, knowing that Louis was also listening.
“Such a mummy’s boy” Louis teased, causing both boys to laugh as they placed the final plates in the cupboard.

“What’re you talking about?” Harry asked, putting the home phone back in its cradle and sitting on the barstool next to Liam.

“You” Zayn said with all honesty, beginning to fish around in the sink and pulling out mugs and plates that the boys hadn’t seen for months due to the lack of responsibility all the lads had towards the washing.

“Hmm,” Harry said clearly not bothered, watching both boys “Hey, Louis?” he suddenly asked, his eyebrows knitting together “What’s that on your wrist?”

Louis turned to face him and lifted the wrist in question. Its bandage now spotted with dark blood. All of the boy’s attention turned towards his wrist, all of them making instant conclusions.

“I fell over in the bathroom,” Louis said light-heartedly “Caught it on my belt buckle” he smiled.

“Your belt buckle?” Harry raised a worried eyebrow.
“Yes, my belt buckle” Louis replied in confusion. Did Harry not believe him? Looking around the room he saw the other boys looking slightly suspicious as to his answer also. They all just shrugged to show their disinterested, but inside each of the boys minds they were of course worried. A belt buckle was hardly believable, but then they had to think back to the fact that this was Louis. Stupid and carefree Louis. They had nothing to worry about.

“Anyone want a game of Fifa?” Niall asked, breaking the awkward silence. Already leaving the room to fire up the Xbox despite not even getting a reply.

-

It had been two days since the boys had been back. And although things were looking up, there was an air of awkwardness between the boys. Or rather between Louis and Harry. Louis had managed to convince the others that the cut was from the belt buckle as – after all – it was the truth. But Harry was far from convinced. He’d refused to leave Louis alone on most occasions, and was always checking the older boy’s wrists to make sure that no other ‘accidents’ had occurred. And to be honest, it was making Louis frustrated. He didn’t need a seventeen year old overshadowing him like a parent. And he knew that eventually he would snap. He just didn’t realise that he would snap the very same day.

Louis had been minding his own business. Tidying his room for once in a blue moon and finding items he didn’t even realise he owned still. A scrap book filled with pictures of him and Hannah to name one. It had made him sad when he saw the smiling face of his old girlfriend. But secretly he was slightly pleased that his management had forced him to end the near two year relationship. He hadn’t seen her properly for months anyway as he had been busy with ‘The X Factor’ and Hannah was busy with university. But it still didn’t stop his tear ducts tingle slightly as he flicked past the thick pages covered in her neat writing and his boyish scrawls.

He’d sat cross-legged on his bed and examined his old self. Surprised at how different he found he looked. That was until he heard voices from downstairs. Silently he crept from his own room onto the landing until he was directly above the living room. He knelt to the ground and lowered his ear to the floor until the recognisable voices became clear.

“Harry, I’m sure he’s fine!” a calm Liam said.
“How can you be sure? A fucking belt buckle. Really?” a more aggressive Harry sounded.

“I think Liam’s right, Harry. Why would Louis do that to himself? Seriously, it’s stupid” a more reasonable Zayn replied.
“Oh, come on! We all know Louis keeps things to himself. Even if he did have a problem he wouldn’t worry us all with it. Remember how weird he got over the whole Steve Brookstein thing? He didn’t tell us for ages how upset he actually was about it.”
“To be fair, it was only after I caught him crying that he actually spilled anyway” Niall seemed to agree.

“Guys, I trust him. Let’s be honest, he’s stupid enough to fall over and cut himself anyway” Liam disagreed.
“He’s not that clumsy. He’s not Niall!” Harry continued to argue, causing Niall to whine quietly after Harry’s playful yet serious insult.

“But what would be bothering him so much?” Zayn wondered.
“Maybe it’s because he didn’t get a solo in the charity single?” Liam suggested. Louis frowned, how did Liam know this? And then his heart sinked. He didn’t get a solo again? On the album he’d only had three small solo’s despite the fans demanding so many more. In reality it did hurt Louis’s feelings. So much more than he liked to admit, but Louis always tried to look past it. He was just so thankful that he was involved in the band in the first place. He tried not to pay attention to the negative press that usually surrounded him and the constant media articles that questioned his singing abilities. But time and time again he would open the newspaper or open a webpage and bite his lip in sadness.

“How do you know he didn’t get a solo again?” Niall asked, bringing Louis’s attention back to his eavesdropping. The use of the word ‘again’ made Louis realise he wasn’t the only one who noticed his lack of solo’s.

“Wha-what? I thought you all knew? S-Simon spoke to me after the first meeting” Liam said, a sense of panic in his voice.

“What did he say?” Harry asked carefully.
“He said, uh – T-that he couldn’t risk giving the weakest singer a solo in such an important song,” Liam said with such pain and disappointment “I tried arguing,” he added “but you know what Simon’s like. One he’s got his mind on something, it’s not changing”

A sigh was heard from one member while Harry seemed to explode “What!? But Louis’s not a – the weakest singer? Louis is amazing! Simon is such a fucking - that’s not fair! But if none of us knew that, Louis couldn’t have known that. So it must be something else!”

“Who said it’s anything? He’s fine!” Zayn persisted.
“Maybe it was that article?” Niall suggested. Louis tried to press his ear closer to the floor, but it was impossible, his ear was already pressed as far as it could go against the worn down carpet.

“What article?” Harry said with frustration “Not another lack-of-singing-“
“No, no. It was err – a-about his...sexuality?”
“But we’ve all had those?” Liam said “I mean, come on, look at us. We’re in a boy band”
“Yeah but this one was pretty...graphic and err...homophobic. Like, more homophobic than any other one”

The silence made Louis anxious. Another gay rumour? How many is that now? Every month there was another fucking rumour. Louis squeezed his eyes shut and told himself off as soon as the image of Harry entered his brain. He loved Harry, and sure they acted a little...touchy-feely sometimes. But he wasn’t gay. Definitely not gay. Just pathetic rumours.

“Has he read it?” Zayn said, breaking the silence.
“Maybe. Maybe that’s why he’s been all weird. It was pretty horrible. I found it on one of those sites dedicated to hating us” Niall said.
“Why do you read those sites?” Liam sighed “they just make me angry”
“I find ‘em funny most of the time” Niall explained.

“Look, whatever the reason is, something is up with Louis! And I intend to find out what it is!” Harry concluded.
“Y-you know the more I think about it the more I think maybe you could be right?” Zayn said.
“Look, I still don’t think Louis would do something like that” Liam said.
“I do” was all Harry said before Louis heard the living room door open.

Louis’s heart skipped a beat. He leapt from the floor and dashed to his room before the other boys saw him lying suspiciously on the landing.

In the comfort of his own room Louis thought over and over about what he had heard. He paced around and found himself getting angry about the littlest things. First, they were talking behind his back. Second, they actually believed he was so upset about something he would hurt himself? Third, he didn’t get a solo again? Fourth, they didn’t believe him in the first place which made him mad. And, fifth they knew about how upset he got, and that worried him. Because he didn’t like people to worry about him. He didn’t like attention and he didn’t like being fussed over. If Louis had a problem he would let it bug him until it passed, he wouldn’t tell anyone. Not even Harry. And it worried him that they knew he didn’t tell people things, which meant they more than likely worried about him all the time anyway. But he didn’t want them to fuss.

He growled to himself after realising he was getting so worked up about something that most probably will be forgotten about next week. But still, the boys didn’t trust him. They were concerned about him when there was no real need to be. Before he could even register what he was doing he had grabbed his phone and beanie hat and was storming down the stairs, his eyes firmly on the door in front of him.

“Louis?” A quiet Niall questioned before the door was slammed shut.

“Was that Louis?” Harry asked, already moving towards the front door.
“Must have been” Liam said, standing behind Harry as he flung the door open.

“Louis!” Harry called out at the boy that was already at the end of the path “where are you going?”

“Out!” was the blunt response, and with that the Doncaster boy was out of sight.

“You think he heard us?” Niall said obviously, needed no reply to his question as they all already knew the answer.