Mistakes and Misunderstandings

Why did Max start doing drugs again? Why did he say those things on the bus? Why did he try to pressure me to sleep with him when he knows why I’m still afraid to do that? Why did I break apart my razor after my shower? Why couldn’t I put it down, get rid of it? Why didn’t I answer anyone at my door? Why didn’t I at least talk to my brother? Why did I slip the key out for Ricky?

So many questions were running through my head, all with no answer. No, some of the questions had answers. Max was doing drugs because of all the drama that came with me. He said those things because he wasn’t thinking. He tried to pressure me because he has his needs and had the decency not to find a hooker or some underage fan girl. Ricky was the only person I trusted completely on this tour who wouldn’t judge me about my current state because of my past.

I didn’t move when I heard Ricky come in; I knew he wouldn’t let anyone in with him. I didn’t move when I heard him coming towards me. I didn’t meet his gave when he knelt beside the bed in front of me. I just kept my eyes on my hands.

Turn, flash. Turn, flash. Turn, flash. Over and over. It would so easy to end everything now. One quick line down my arm, then push the blade far enough in that it would do what I intended and drag it across. It would be done so fast Ricky wouldn’t be able to stop me and I’d be gone by the time the paramedics arrived.

Turn, flash. Turn, flash. Turn, flash. It was so tempting. I could end it all right here, right now. Nobody would have to deal with any of this anymore. Max wouldn’t worry about his fucked up girlfriend. Craig wouldn’t worry about his fucked up little sister. TLL wouldn’t have to worry about their fucked up band mate. Nobody would have to worry about me. They’d probably be happy that I did it.

Turn, flash. Turn, flash. Turn, flash. Turn, flash. Turn, flash. Turn, flash. Turn, flash. Turn, flash. Turn, flash. Turn, flash. Turn, flash. Turn, flash. Turn, flash. Turn, flash. Turn, flash. Turn, flash. Turn, flash. Turn, flash. Turn, flash. Turn, flash. Turn, flash. Turn, no flash. Instead, a hand.

I looked up to see Ricky watching me, a concerned look on his face. This was what I wanted to escape. I felt my fingers moving on their own, turning the small blade to where I could hold it the right way. Ricky’s hand wasn’t holding mine, just resting on top, so it would be simple to free mine. But he must have figured out what I was doing because he quickly looked down, taking a stronger hold of my hands.

“Ry, don’t do this,” he pleaded.

“I have to. I’m sorry.” I pulled my hands free of Ricky’s, angling the blade for my arm. I felt everything pouring out of me as the blade dug into my arm. I knew right where to hit without even looking to find the vein. I felt my skin tearing open, fighting to remain closed over the scars, from wrist to elbow. I felt all the stress, the tension, the anger from my fight with Max, my depression that brought back those old memories, everything flow out with the blood. I didn’t want it to stop until there was nothing left. No emotion, no memories, no life. My arm turned, my head fell back, exposing my neck to the oncoming razor. Just one slit was all it would take.

I felt Ricky’s arm on my wrist, stopping it halfway. I tried to get free, but there was no way; his grip was too strong. “Rylii, please stop. I’m not going to sit here and watch you kill yourself. Just please stop.” I gave up, hearing his voice break. There were tears running down his face, fear in his eyes. I let him take the blade from me before he let go of my arm.

I looked down at the red mess in my lap for the first time. That’s when it hit me. What had I just done? I’d promised myself I wouldn’t go back. But I did. And to make it all worse, I did it in front of my best friend. Neither of us said anything as the tears began making their way down my face. I watched Ricky put the bloody blade in his pocket before pulling me off the bed. I followed him to the sink, where he lifted me so I could sit on the counter. I let Ricky clean my arm and wrap it with one of the hotel towels. When he finished, he stood in front of me, staring into my eyes.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered. Ricky sighed before pulling me into a hug, causing me to cry harder.

“Please promise me you won’t try this again,” Ricky said softly. “Don’t do this to me. I don’t care if everyone else in the world hates you; just stay for me. I don’t want to sit by and watch one of my best friends kill herself. It won’t fix anything. The only way you can make things better is by staying alive and ignoring the shit life throws at you, or better yet, fight back and make something good come out of it.”

I buried my face in Ricky’s shoulder, crying until there were no tears left. The only time I’d ever felt this safe was with Max. But he threw everything we had away, and there wasn’t much chance of getting it back. Ricky stayed with me though, not complaining, just whispering to me, attempting to make me feel better.

“Do you want me to stay with you tonight?” Ricky asked. I nodded. I didn’t want to be alone. “I’m not going to make you talk about what’s going on, but if you want to, I’ll listen, no matter what time it is. I won’t care if you wake me up from the best dream I’ve ever had. Understand?” I nodded again.

Ricky left to get his things from his room and to let everyone know I was ok. He told me he wouldn’t say anything about what I’d done, and I believed him. When he got back, we found Sweeney Todd on the list of movies available through the hotel’s pay-per-view. I fell asleep halfway through, curled up with Ricky.