Mistakes and Misunderstandings

“Ry, it’s been two weeks. Will you please tell me why you and max broke up?” Craig whined. He and everyone else had been asking the same question.

“I’ve already told you to ask Max,” I replied, sighing heavily.

“But he refuses to answer.”

“Then I guess you’re not going to know,” I said. “He made his decisions and if he wants to tell you about them, he will.” Ricky was the only one I’d told that Max was back on drugs. I trusted him not to say anything, and if Max wanted anyone else to know, he’d tell them. It’s not like he’d kept it a secret before.

Craig sighed, covering his face with his hands. “I was kind of hoping you’d tell me so I could say you were upset and were refusing to leave the bus today,” he said.

“But today’s a day off; we always go somewhere, even if it’s just to walk around whatever town we’re in.”

Craig looked at the floor. “Um, Mom lives here and wants to see us,” he mumbled. “I know you don’t want to see her, but if I go without you, she’s going to find some way to get to you, and I was hoping that if you were upset, I’d have to stay here and take care of you until we left.”

He was right; I didn’t want to see our mother, but there was no getting out of it. “Even if you said that, she’d just come over here herself and no one would be able to keep her away. Let’s just go and get this over with.” Craig pulled me into a tight hug, whispering a apology in my ear. He’d protected me when we were younger, but would he be able to do it now?

Craig and I went our own ways and got ready. We were leaving tonight, so we hadn’t bothered getting hotel rooms. So, Craig and I chased our bands out of wherever it we decided to get ready. The bus wasn’t big, and with seven people being pushed up to the front, there wasn’t much room for them to move. I heard everyone climbing off the bus while I did my make-up. Somehow I was ready before Craig, so I took the opportunity to text Ricky and the rest of MIW, telling them I couldn’t hang out with them today. I didn’t explain why before turning off my phone and tossing it in the bunk I was lucky enough to have to myself.

When Craig was ready, he called our mother before leading me to her house. I pulled the hood of my jacket up as we walked. Neither of us said a word. The door flew open before Craig could knock, and he was wrapped in a hug.

“Oh, Craig, I’ve missed you so much. You really should come visit more often, but I guess that’s hard now that you’ve become a famous rock star,” Mother gushed.

I rolled my eyes, surveying the neighborhood. It looked like your typical neighborhood from the 1950s, with perfect lawns and lace curtains in all the windows. If only the woman we were here visiting was the typical 1950s mother, who loved both her children.

“Ry, we’re going inside,” Craig said quietly. I turned to follow him in, noting that Mother had already disappeared without a word to me. Craig had always been her favorite, while I was the unplanned child; the unwanted child that was always in trouble.

For the next few hours, I listened as Mother talked about everything that had changed back home, about why she’d decided to move, about how amazing Craig was. But never a word to or about me. But Mother knew I was there, she never wasted a chance to glare at me. Just being here brought back those childhood memories of her yelling at me for getting in trouble at school. Of her blaming me for ruining the perfect family she and Craig had been with our father. It brought back those memories of her telling me it was my fault our father left before I could remember him. Of those nights she had to bail me out of jail. And last but not least, her fake sorrow at having to send me to live with my brother, so she’d be free of me. If I stayed here any longer, I’d walk into the kitchen and find the knife set. Such a tempting thought…no, I had to fight it. We weren’t far from the buses, so I’d just go back alone.

Craig glanced up at me when I stood. “Mom, I’m sorry, but I didn’t realize what time it was already,” he cut in, standing also. “Rylii and I need to get back to the buses so we’re not left behind.” Damn, he was a good liar.

“Oh, we can’t have that, can we?” Mother said, joining us. “Let me walk back with you, I’ve been inside all day, and could use some fresh air and exercise.” Craig tried to protest, but there was no discouraging her.

I followed the two back to the buses, as Mother continued to ramble on about nothing, all the while, ignore my very existence. As we got closer to our destination, I broke off from the pair before me to join MIW returning from their day exploring the town. They greeted me with hugs, which I was in need of. I thought I was free as we continued our walk to the buses, but of course, Mother called me back.

“Oh, Rylii dear, you aren’t really going to leave without telling your own mother goodbye are you?” she called innocently.

“Yes, yes I would love to leave without saying a word to you,” I thought. But instead, I bowed my head and slowly walked towards her open arms. Craig had already disappeared, most likely planning on getting drunk as soon as possible to forget today.

Mother pulled me into a hug, digging her nails into my arms. Somehow, they were sharp even through my jacket sleeves. “I always knew you’d as a waste of space,” she hissed. “You’re nothing but a little band whore, and you’ll never be worth anything. You have no idea how many times I’ve wished I’d gotten rid of you.” With that, she pulled back, a fake smile plastered on her face, but the hatred evident in her eyes.

I pulled away from her grip roughly, making my way to our bus as quickly as possible. I ignored everyone trying to talk to me. I wiped away the tears escaping as I shoved my way to my bunk. I’d taught myself to ignore her, but all this time I’d been away from her, I’d let down my guard. I let her get under my skin, something she knew how to do all too easily. I curled up in my bunk, facing the wall. I heard movement above me, which meant Max was in his bunk. Neither of us said anything, but I could hear Craig talking to someone outside the bus.

I didn’t move when I heard someone coming back to the bunks, stopping by mine. I didn’t move when they sat on the edge of my bunk, gently brushing the hair out of my face. “Craig suggested you come spend the night with us. You don’t have to talk about what happened today if you don’t want to, you know that. We’ll just do our best to make you feel better.” I shrugged my shoulders, not wanting to speak. “It’s your choice, I’m not going to force you into something you don’t want to do. But if you change your mind, we’re leaving in half an hour.”

I stayed where I was, even after Ricky left. He was such a good friend to me, but I couldn’t return it. He didn’t deserve someone like me. No one should call me their friend; I wasn’t worth it. I wiped away the tears still falling.

“You should go with them,” Max said softly. I turned around, surprised to see him standing by my bunk. “Ricky obviously cares about you, and you deserve to be happy. I know you saw your mom today, and I can only assume it didn’t go well. I’m going to talk to the guys tonight to try and get some help. I don’t want to hurt you anymore than you already have been, so please, go with Ricky tonight. He’ll be there for you when you need him.”

This was the first time he’d spoken to me since we’d broken up. I looked up at his bloodshot eyes, finding nothing but sincerity. “Okay, I’ll go,” I said, sitting up. “Max, please promise me you’ll get help. I want the Max I knew back.” He simply nodded before turning and leaving me alone.

I found my phone and quickly fixed my make-up before running off the bus. Craig was just outside the door, and didn’t look surprised when I came out. “I’ll see you tomorrow,” I told him. “And please, make sure Max talks to you tonight. And listen to him.” Craig looked confused, but promised me he would anyways. I hugged him once before he joined everyone else on the bus.

The only ones left were MIW, who were getting some last minute things from the nearby gas station. Ricky was leaning against the side of the van smoking, but put out his cigarette to meet me halfway to the van. I buried my face in his chest as he hugged me tightly. “Is there any way we can talk privately?” I asked. Ricky nodded, leading me back to his van. We claimed the back seat while Ricky convinced the rest of his band to pull out their headphones or something so we wouldn’t be overheard.

I waited until we had pulled out onto the road and everyone was settled before beginning. “Craig and I went to see our mother today. She completely ignored me the entire time, but kept going on about how amazing Craig is and all that shit. I thought she had changed, and just didn’t know how to show me. But tonight when I went over to her, she proved herself to be the same woman. I could feel her nails through my jacket and she told me I was worthless, and nothing but a band whore. I used to be able to ignore her comments, but it’s been so long since I’ve talked to her and she knows just what to say to get to me.” Ricky held me close to him as I began crying.

“Ry, you know none of that’s true. You’re an amazing person. You have a great band of your own; you have a brother with his own band who all care about you, and you’re a great friend. You of all people should know that anyone who calls you a whore is a liar, whether they know you or not.” Ricky tilted my head up, his eyes looking directly into mine. “And most importantly, you are not worthless. Anyone who can’t see that is missing out. You’ve been through so much, but you’ve managed to get through it all. There aren’t many people who can do that.”

“Thank you,” I whispered. Ricky was doing well with his part of making me feel better; I hoped Max was talking to the guys on the bus and they were listening.

Ricky pulled out his laptop and put in Sleepy Hollow. Resting the computer on his lap, we each took one of the earbuds to listen to the movie, we skipped the previews and started the movie. Less than halfway through, I fell asleep with my head on Ricky’s shoulder, and his head resting on mine, with one arm around my shoulders.