Mistakes and Misunderstandings

When I climbed on our bus the next morning, I could feel the tension. And something else. The bus was quiet, which was rare. Craig was sitting in the front room, a half empty bottle of Jack Daniels in his hand; it was only 11, and he was already drunk.

“I’m assuming Max talked to you?” I asked, watching my brother carefully. He had a tendency to act like our mother when he was drunk, and I had to be prepared.

He nodded. “Why do you think I’ve already had so much?” he asked, slurring his words as he held up the bottle. “Since Maxie-boy is allowed to get high whenever he wants, why can’t I drink?”

“Craig, please. Don’t do this to yourself,” I pleaded. “Think about Leila. Do you want her to grow up watching her father drinking constantly?”

Craig smirked. “I can control myself. I’m not going to turn into Mom, so quit worrying.” I watched as he struggled to stand, swaying slightly when he succeeded. “C’mon Ry, have a sip. You might as well join everyone else on this bus. We’ve all got our bottles and drugs. Don’t look at me like that, one little sip won’t hurt.”

I backed away, shaking my head. “Craig, you know I can’t have any. I almost died because of all this, and now you’re trying to get me to go back? You need to get yourself straightened out. If you don’t, you’ll no longer have a sister.” I slammed the door to the back lounge, locking it behind me. No one was in here, and there was only one door so I was safe. But we were getting ready to drive for another five hours to the next venue.

I tuned my guitar and started work on a new song. Through the next few hours, I managed to write and set a tune to three new songs despite the guys taking turns banging on the door, begging me to come out. Even Max took his turn. I’d turned off my phone after the first hour, not wanting to see their drunken messages, and focused on my music. I didn’t know how long we’d been stopped when I realized that the bus was silent. I was afraid to open the door though, in case everyone was trying to trick me. Through the window I could see that we were at the venue, but there was no way to tell if I was alone or not.

“Rylii, we’re at the venue if you want to come out,” Monte called through the door. “We’re the only ones left on the bus.” I didn’t say anything, hoping he’d leave so I’d be alone on the bus. “Ry, open the door right now. You can’t stay in there forever!” he shouted, rattling the knob. After several failed attempts he gave up, only to be replaced by Sam, then Max, and finally Craig. I refused to come out for any of them.

They eventually gave up and the bus was silent, but I was still afraid someone was waiting for me. I watched the sun set through the window as fans lined up outside the venue. I knew my guys could play like this, but what would they do without me? There was no way they could go on without me, unless they found someone to play my parts. I doubted that though.

Unconsciously I jumped up and moved to the wall furthest from the door when I heard someone climbing the stairs. The lock on the door wasn’t hard to pick, and if any of them were sober enough, they could get in and corner me. The old memories flashed before my eyes. Faintly, I heard my name being called.

“Rylii, please answer me,” they called. The doorknob was rattled. “Please, let me know you’re ok.” Ricky. “Rylii, please, I’m freaking out here; I saw everyone else get off the bus, and you haven’t answered your phone. Please, I’m begging you to open the door. I swear, if you’ve done something…” he trailed off.

I’d lost Max. I’d lost Craig. I’d lost my band. But I still had Ricky. I still had the rest of MIW. I couldn’t lose them. Forcing myself to stand, walked towards the door. I rested my hand on the knob, but didn’t unlock it. “Are you alone?” I asked softly.

“Yes, I’m the only one here,” Ricky said quickly. “Chris and Angelo are outside the door, making sure no one else comes in, but I’m here.”

I unlocked the door and opened it slowly. Ricky was there, his head resting against the doorframe, his stage make-up already on. Relief washed over him before wrapping his arms around me. I buried my face in his chest as the tears I’d been keeping in forced themselves free. I let him lead me to the couch as he whispered to me, not letting go. We were the last two bands to perform tonight, and the first was still setting up, which I was thankful for.

“Do you want me to have them pull The Last Leaf from the show tonight?” he asked when I stopped crying. I shook my head. I told him to wait while I got ready. It was close to time for us to be backstage, so I changed my clothes and redid my make-up as fast as I could.

When I was ready, we found Chris and Angelo still outside the doors. They didn’t say anything as they each pulled me into a tight hug before leading us into the venue, where we joined Ryan and Balz. Ryan had tuned my guitar for me, so we stood on the side of the stage, watching ETF. MIW formed a semi-circle around me, keeping me from everyone else.

I sighed, watching Craig stumble from one side of the stage to the other. “It’ll be okay,” Ricky whispered, wrapping his arms around my waist. I leaned back against him as the last song started. TLL was up next, with MIW finishing the show.

I hugged each of the guys surrounding me for good luck while Robert’s drum set was replaced with Aaron’s. “Show those assholes that you don’t need drugs or alcohol to rock the stage,” Chris said, grinning.

Ricky was last, with Ryan waiting with my guitar. “You’ll do great,” Ricky said hugging me tightly. As he pulled back, he paused to kiss my cheek, something he’d never done before. Turning around, I saw Max watching me before he handed his bass off to one of the techs before shoving his way through everyone.

I was glad MIW stayed on the edge of the stage during our show, but I was worried when I saw Chris talking to Craig; they didn’t look like they were having a happy conversation. Craig stormed off, but I couldn’t let myself focus on that. Blake had sobered up enough that he wasn’t slurring his words, and none of the guys made fools of themselves, but as soon as we finished, they produced bottles out of nowhere. I stayed to watch MIW finish tonight’s show after packing our things. As always, they were awesome.

After their equipment was packed, Ricky walked me back to my bus. I promised to text him if anything went wrong before climbing the stairs. I was only on the second step when a bottle hit the wall behind me, Craig seething.

“What the fuck is wrong with you? How do you no longer love your brother? Have you replaced him already, just like you replaced your boyfriend?” he shouted. I backed off the bus, Craig stumbling after me. “After everything I’ve done for you, this is how you repay me? I should have let Mom do whatever she wanted with you. She probably would have left you on the streets, since you always seem to end up there.”

It had been a while since Craig was this drunk, and I didn’t miss it. He didn’t seem to notice or care that we were now outside, where everyone could hear him. But he acted like our mother when he was drunk, and she didn’t care if anyone heard either. I couldn’t say anything, even when Craig was pulled back by two people I couldn’t see in the dark. But judging by his height, I could tell one of them was Andy Biersack. I didn’t stay; I turned and all but ran. I just had to get away from everyone.

I found myself at the back side of the venue, where I sat staring off into the distance, my brother’s words echoing in my mind. It was strange though, I didn’t have the urge to cut myself. I wasn’t surprised when I looked up and saw Ricky approaching me.

“Craig passed out a few minutes ago,” he said softly. “Let’s go get your things off the bus.”

“Why?”

“Do you really want to stay that bus? That’s what Chris was talking to Craig about during the show; you’re riding with us for the rest of the tour. No buts.”

I let Ricky help me up and we walked back to the bus. It was quiet, but I still hurried getting my things together. Chris helped carry my things to their van, where I climbed in the back again with Ricky. The guys did all they could to cheer me up, and were successful.

“We have a show tomorrow, but we have the next day off. We’re going to my parent’s house for showers and food,” Ricky announced as things were quieting down. “And they need to meet our newest family member,” he added, looking at me.

“Are you sure?” I asked.

“Yes!” everyone shouted at once.

“We’re not just going to leave you behind,” Balz said. “Now, everybody go to sleep. Except Ryan, ‘cause you’re driving.”

“Thank you,” I whispered to Ricky, leaning into him.

“Of course,” he replied. “Get some sleep though; if we get in early enough, we’re going straight to my parent’s house to drop off some of our stuff before the show. And don’t worry, they’re going to love you as much as all of us do.”