Can't Help But Wish

When Zacky came back from tour, he was... Different. We didn't do the stuff we had done before he had left. We didn't really do anything anymore. We just lived under the same roof. Well of course we kissed and hugged every now and then, but it wasn't anything like it had been before. We didn't have sex in the morning or go into the pool in the middle of the night because we felt like it. He didn't help me do anything. I had to do the dishes alone every time, clean up the whole damn house and look after Liam while Zacky was at the studio playing guitar. And I was afraid that this was it, this was the end of our relationship. Because it felt like neither of us tried to save it.

Zacky spent most of his time at their studio or at Matt's place. He would go there early in the morning and get back at 11 in the evening when I was already going to bed. Because of that we didn't really even talk or anything. But then again, I thought that maybe it was just a bad timing. Maybe he really was busy and couldn't share his time with everybody. Either way, I really needed to talk to him.

It was a Saturday night, almost midnight, as I sat in the kitchen and waited for Zacky to get back home. I had been playing with my phone until I heard him coming in. I lifted my head up and saw him standing in the doorway.

”What are you doing?” he asked and leaned against the doorframe. I stood up but didn't take a step towards him.

”I think we need to talk,” I said quietly. His face fall and suddenly he looked serious.

”About what?” he asked me.

”About... Us, this,” I mumbled.

”What's wrong?”

”Everything is wrong. You do nothing these days. It's like... We just are. We're not really even in a relationship,” I explained quietly.

”Well... What do you want me to do? I have to work, you know it,” he said with a shrug.

”Yeah, but... Something happened when you were on tour. You became so distant and we became this...”

”Do you want me to be honest with you? Well, I haven't been myself lately... I don't know why, I really don't. I just need to have some space,” he explained.

”Oh? You could have at least told me, instead of making myself feel like an idiot,” I muttered and looked down at the floor. I crossed my arms over my chest and cleared my throat.

”I'm not saying that I want to like break up or anything. Because I really don't. I love you,” he said quietly and walked slowly to me. He put his hands on my shoulders and I looked up at his face.

”You have had almost three months. How much more do you need?”

”I don't know. Don't get mad, okay? It's all happened so fast and I don't want us to make the same mistakes again,” he said quietly and touched my cheek.

”I miss us. I miss cuddling and hugging,” I mumbled quietly.

”I do too. This is just how it is, for now,” he told me, ”Chin up, baby.”

”Why exactly do you feel like you want space?”

”Oh, I don't know. I just realized that I'd rather be away from you now than you lose you for the rest of our lives because of something stupid,” he told me.

”I wouldn't want us to be one of those married couples who get a divorce when they think that the kids are old enough to handle it. Because I know what it feels like, I've been there.”

”Nothing is going to happen to us. Not as long as we love each other.”

”Yeah, but we do fight. Just like everyone else. And I never, ever want us to be apart. I want us to grow old together and be one of those cute, old, married couples who hold hands all the time,” I mumbled.

”I'll do whatever it takes to make us that. I promise,” he said and flashed a sad smile.

”Thanks. I just want us to really try, you know. If not for anyone else then for Liam. He deserves it after all,” I said. He didn't say anything. He just pulled me into a hug.

”Let's just take it easy and see where this goes.”

Only because I was a normal person, I thought that he only needed to spend some time alone, away from me and the kid. But apparently what he meant was that he would be staying six nights out of seven at Matt's place every week. At that point I was almost sure that he was seeing someone else. I just didn't have the guts to ask him about it, because if he really wasn't seeing anyone, he would get angry at me which wasn't exactly something I wanted.

Either he was cheating on me (which really couldn't be true, could it?) or he wanted to dump me. I couldn't think of a reason why he would want to do that, though, but it only made sense. He wanted to get rid of me but didn't have the guts to tell me so he kept avoiding me.

Either way, I was sure that our relationship was over. I couldn't feel the love anymore and I definitely didn't see a reason to stay together. I hated to see it slip away from my hands, but what could I do? I could, of course, fight for him. I could tell him that I needed him and loved him more than anything. But that wasn't really me, I wasn't a fighter. I thought that if he wanted to leave, he should leave. Whatever made him happy, I guess.

I was rather confused, to be honest with you, but I was very sure that we needed to have another chat about things, about our future.