Can't Help But Wish

I found myself talking to Zacky's lawyer the very next day. I was sitting in the kitchen, watching as Liam and Lily ate breakfast as I was on the phone.

”Why does he suddenly want to have a whole week? He was okay with the weekends for two years,” I muttered into the phone.

Zacky knew that he was only making a mess by doing this. He could've been okay with the weekends that he got to spend with the kids but apparently now he wanted more for some odd reason.

”Apparently you're seeing someone, yeah? I've understood that you're not married to anyone, though. And Zacky has decided to settle down and perhaps get married to his partner. That makes it better for the kids to spend more time in a peaceful and calm environment. And since you're not all settled down, we think that a week with you and then the other week with Zacky is a well-working solution,” the lawyer said.

I was about to choke on my spit. Jesus, Zacky was going to marry Gena? No way! Oh god, I couldn't believe it. He was only doing it to annoy me, wasn't he? He wanted me to be jealous... Which I was, actually. But damn, this wasn't even fair anymore!

”So, because I'm not married and Zacky soon is, it makes him a better parent?”

”No, of course not. It just seems like Zacky might be a bit more serious with this whole ”family” thing.”

”What do you mean, more serious? These are my kids we're talking about. I made them! I'm not going to give up on them just because my ex wants to have a family with his new girlfriend!” I exclaimed into the phone.

Then I looked at my kids who were staring at me with their wide eyes. I gave them a thumbs up and decided to leave the kitchen. Maybe they didn't need to hear it all.

”Listen, Ms. Mills – ”

”No, you listen to me. Don't think I'll let anyone take my kids from me. I'm okay with them being away for a day or two, but not a week. You can tell Zacky to grow up and if he wants to talk about this, he should not drag lawyers into this.”

”Fine. But I was told to tell you these things and that I've done. You're aware of what's going to happen. Thanks for your time, Ms. Mills.”

”Bye!”

When I went back into the kitchen, the kids had finished eating. In fact, they were both sitting on the table, holding each other's hands.

”What are you two doing? How did you get up there?” I exclaimed in horror as I quickly lifted Lily up from the table.

”Liam, get down there. You could've gotten hurt!”

”Mom?”

”Yes, honey?”

”I want to go see daddy,” Liam mumbled and looked at me with his big eyes.

”But you just saw him last night,” I said and forced a smile on my face.

Honestly, saying no to your kid is the worst.

”Yeah, but we went to play baseball and it was really fun!” he exclaimed, his eyes full of joy. I bit my lip.

”Really? And you would like to go play baseball again, today?”

”Yes!”

”Well, uh... I could ask your dad, I guess...”

”Call him now, call him now!” he exclaimed and clapped his hands together.

”Only if you look after your sister while I talk to him,” I said and put Lily down on the floor on her little feet.

He nodded as I pulled out my phone. I only hoped Zacky hadn't talked to his lawyer yet... I dialed his number and lifted the phone up to my ear.

”Hello?”

”Uh, hi. Are you home?”

”Yeah, why?”

”Liam wants to play baseball with you,” I said awkwardly.

”Does he? But it's your day, isn't it? I can't be with him, even if he wants to.”

”Oh, come on. I'm not a complete bitch. I will let my kids see their father if they want to.”

”Will you? Really? Then how come you won't split the weeks with me? How come I'm not allowed to spend a whole week with them while you get all the time in the world?” His voice was ice cold.

”You're not being fair, now, Zacky. Can we talk about this later?” I asked.

”I'll talk with you when you drop off the kids.” With that, he ended the call.

”Alright, Liam. Go get your jacket, I'm taking you to dad's!” I exclaimed after I'd put the phone down.

I faked a smile as got Lily ready. Liam was really excited, Lily didn't really realize what was going on and I was... Not excited at all. In fact, I didn't want to see Zacky right now.

When we got to Zacky's place, I got out with the kids. Liam ran to the door as I followed him with Lily. The boy had already knocked on the door and only a few seconds later I saw Gena.

She opened the door and smiled as she looked at the kids but not so much as she looked at me. I wouldn't have smiled either. I wasn't looking really all that stunning, considering I had no makeup on and my hair was a mess and I had some horrible clothes on.

”Hello,” I said and flashed a smile.

I always tried to be the bigger person around her. I tried my best to be polite, mostly because I knew how much she loved my kids because she couldn't have her own.

”Morning,” she said, ”Come in.”

”Oh, okay.”

I grabbed Liam's hand as I followed Gena into their livingroom where I found Zacky, Matt and Val. Val smiled as she saw me. She rushed to hug me.

”Chelsea, you look so lovely! And little miss Lily!” she exclaimed.

Ah, she was always so nice! I put Lily down on her feet and she found her way to daddy.

”The boys are going to go play baseball,” Val said, ”I'm going to stay here with Lily and Gena.”

”Oh, that's nice.” That was bullshit. Val was my friend, not Gena's.

”So, how is Jamie?” Val asked. Wow, awkward.

”He's alright,” I said with a nod. Zacky gave me a glare.

”I'm glad,” Val said.

”Chels? Can I talk to you?” Zacky asked all of a sudden.

I swallowed hard and nodded. He got up from the couch and I followed him into a room that was full of guitars and such. I sat down on a chair and looked at him. He was standing in front of me, looking at me as well.

”I talked to your lawyer,” I said after a moment of silence.

”I know.”

”Is this how you want to do this? You act like I mean nothing to you. Is that what it is? Are you only doing this because of the kids? Do you not care about me at all?”

”This has nothing to do with you. We're not in a relationship anymore which means that we have to share the kids. And you can't be such a selfish bitch, Chelsea. You have to learn how to share. Those are not only your kids. They're ours. We made them together,” he said quietly.

”It's like, I don't even know you anymore. You've turned into a complete stranger,” I mumbled as I looked at him.

”Don't blame this on me.”

”But when you marry someone, you marry them for life. And even though our marriage ended, there's no need for you to call me a bitch or act like I've done something wrong,” I said.

”But you have done something wrong. Don't you get it? You've been taking away my kids from me!”

”No I haven't, okay?” I hissed, ”We made a deal. You had nothing against the fact that I could have the weeks with them while you had the weekends!”

”This isn't us. This isn't what it used to be like.”

”Well no shit! There is no us, okay? We broke up. We ended our relationship. It is over!”

”I know that. Look, can't we just talk this through?

”That's what I've been trying to do this whole time.”

Zacky and I talked about it. It took us about an hour to get us both to agree that he could have one week in a month with them plus some weekends while I had the rest of the time. I thought it was a pretty good idea and he agreed on that.

”So, do we have a deal?” Zacky asked as I stood up. I nodded.

”Yeah. Just... Could you try to be not so mean to me? And Jamie?” I asked and he started shaking his head. I sighed.

”You know I can't stand that guy. And the fact that you two sleep together in my house,” he told me quietly.

”What's your problem with him, anyway? It's not like you care about me anymore... Right?”

”Well...”

”Zacky.”

”I, just...”

”What?”

”Don't want to see anyone hurt you,” he muttered quietly.

I bit my lip as I didn't know what to say. What was that supposed to even mean, he didn't want anyone to hurt me? Did that mean that he did, indeed, care about me?

”Because if that happens, I won't be able to hold myself back. If that guy does a thing to hurt you, I swear that he won't even walk again after that.”

”Zacky...”

”I'm serious. I'm watching him.”

”Yeah, but... I thought you said that you don't care about me anymore,” I mumbled and looked at his face. He shrugged and bit his lip. Oh god, it looked really sexy...

”Maybe... Maybe I never stopped caring,” he admitted quietly.

My heart skipped a beat as I narrowed my eyes. Was he serious? Was he really saying that, after these years of being a complete asshole to me, he really did care about me?

”Then why did you go back to Gena? If you never stopped caring about me?” I whispered.

”I was hurt, okay? I thought that maybe that way I could forget about you. You wouldn't talk to me and I didn't know what else to do.”

”Do you realize that you're not only being an ass but you're also just using Gena?” I asked quietly.

”Yeah,” he said and nodded, ”I've always just used her. I'm pretty sure she knows it, too. I heard her talking to Val and saying that she knows that I won't ever love her the way I love you.”

”What? That's horrible,” I mumbled.

”Well, what can I do? Everyone knows that... I... Yeah.”

”That you what?”

”Still... Care about you,” he finished and looked away.

”Then why are you with Gena? It isn't fair.”

”Because I don't know how to be without a woman. As horrible as it sounds, it's true. I want a family.”

”So... What are we going to do?” I asked quietly. He shrugged.

”I'll choose you over Gena any day.”

”Don't say that, Zacky,” I mumbled, ”Don't do this now. I thought we were fine this way. I thought we didn't need each other.”

”But we do! And I know that you need me. I know how sad I've made you and only I can make it better,” he told me quietly. I felt him touch my hand as he pulled me closer. I shook my head.

”You're going to marry Gena,” I whispered, nearly in tears, as I looked at his face, biting my lip.

He lifted his hand up and touched my cheek. He shook his head.

”No I'm not. I'll marry you if you let me,” he whispered.

”No. Not again. This is where we always go wrong. We try and do this too fast,” I mumbled and looked down.

”What do you want me to do?”

”What do you even want?”

”I want my family back. I want my wife and kids back. I want my house back. I don't want to see you with some other guy. I don't want to see my kids with him,” he said.

”I... Need to think about this,” I mumbled and pulled away from him. I started walking to the door when he caught my hand and stopped me.

”I love you,” he said quietly.

It brought tears to my eyes but I couldn't say it back to him, even though I loved him. I sniffled and opened the door, walking into the living room. I found everyone looking at me with their wide eyes. Val looked worried, Matt tried to keep the kids busy and Gena looked... Well, she looked hurt and sad. I shook my head and walked out of the house without saying a word.

I knew I couldn't get back together with Zacky again. It wouldn't work and I didn't even want to try and see what could happen. I was tired of being hurt. Man, I deserved to be happy. I deserved the best, and even though Zacky could give me that, he could also give me the worst. He would make me sad and hurt and miserable and I wasn't going to let that happen.

I could only remember Zacky telling me once that he would do whatever to make it last, to save our relationship. But maybe this time our relationship couldn't be saved. Maybe we really were over. It was time to move on and see what would happen. It was time for me to start living in the moment and stop worrying about the past or the future. It was time to make a change and forget about Zacky. Because obviously, we could both do so much better. It just wasn't meant to be and we had wasted too much time on that.

As simple as that.

New life starts now.