Can't Help But Wish
Oh?
So a few hours later I was in the park near Gena and Zacky's house with her. We were sitting on the ground. Liam was laying between my feet and looking up at the sky. Gena was smiling down at him.
”Liam is adorable,” She said softly with a sad smile.
”Yeah.”
”You know...” She started but then shut her mouth and shook her head. She sighed deeply and rubbed her eyes with her hands. Was she crying? Oh god.
”Are you all right?” I asked carefully.
”Yeah, I'm sorry,” She sobbed and wiped her eyes. She laughed softly and looked at me.
”I just... I want to have kids,” She mumbled.
”Oh? Then... Why not?”
”I can't,” She mumbled, ”I can't have kids.”
”What do you mean, you can't?” I asked, not really understanding what she meant.
”We... I stopped eating pills. It's been a year and I won't get pregnant. It can't be Zacky's fault since he's had Liam...”
”Oh.”
I didn't know what to say. First of all, why was she telling this to ME? I was her boyfriend's ex girlfriend after all. I had a child with her boyfriend. I had something she could never get. And to be honest, I thought I'd be the last person she talked about these kinds of things to.
”Does Zacky know that you can't... You know?”
”Yeah,” She nodded, ”He said he doesn't care. But still... He's been so distant lately.” Well, fuck. Now she thought that was the reason.
”Well, uh...”
”I'm sorry, Chelsea, I didn't mean to bother you with this,” She said quickly.
”Oh, no, that's okay,” I said and flashed a quick smile. I looked down at Liam who was now asleep on the ground. I picked him up and laid him down on my lap.
”Could... I hold him?” Gena whispered and looked at Liam.
”Uh...” But she was already picking him up from my lap. And when she held the baby, she looked like a mother. I didn't look like a mother. I looked like a 15 year old with someone else's child. But that's because I wasn't ready to have a child when I had Liam. And because I didn't look like a 25 year old, either. I just didn't look like I could be someone's mother.
We talked for another hour before she needed to go to work. I went home and immediately called Zacky. I asked him to come over and soon enough we were sitting in my livingroom.
”Guess what happened today?”
”What?”
”I met Gena,” I told him and his eyes went wide.
”You didn't tell her... Did you?”
”No. But she told me something,” I said.
”What did she tell you?”
”That she can't have kids. And you said you don't mind, but you've been so distant lately that you really do mind.”
”What? Really? Does she have to tell everyone that?” Zacky muttered and rolled his eyes, ”I don't understand why she wants to have kids so badly.”
”Why don't you want?” I asked. He shrugged.
”Because I already have a kid and that's all I need right now,” He told me.
”Yeah, but she feels bad, you know? You need to make sure she understands that you don't care if she can't give you children,” I told him. He laughed and shook his head.
”Oh, Chelsea, Chelsea. Why do you feel the need to make our relationship better? Shouldn't you hate Gena?” Zacky asked with a grin.
”It's not like I love her, but I feel bad for her. She can't ever have own kids which is... Wrong,” I said quietly with a shrug. He wrapped his arm around my shoulders and pulled me closer to his side. He kissed the top of my head and sighed.
”And what you're doing right now is wrong,” I told him.
”Oh, I know. But I can't help myself,” He murmured and chuckled.
”Liam is adorable,” She said softly with a sad smile.
”Yeah.”
”You know...” She started but then shut her mouth and shook her head. She sighed deeply and rubbed her eyes with her hands. Was she crying? Oh god.
”Are you all right?” I asked carefully.
”Yeah, I'm sorry,” She sobbed and wiped her eyes. She laughed softly and looked at me.
”I just... I want to have kids,” She mumbled.
”Oh? Then... Why not?”
”I can't,” She mumbled, ”I can't have kids.”
”What do you mean, you can't?” I asked, not really understanding what she meant.
”We... I stopped eating pills. It's been a year and I won't get pregnant. It can't be Zacky's fault since he's had Liam...”
”Oh.”
I didn't know what to say. First of all, why was she telling this to ME? I was her boyfriend's ex girlfriend after all. I had a child with her boyfriend. I had something she could never get. And to be honest, I thought I'd be the last person she talked about these kinds of things to.
”Does Zacky know that you can't... You know?”
”Yeah,” She nodded, ”He said he doesn't care. But still... He's been so distant lately.” Well, fuck. Now she thought that was the reason.
”Well, uh...”
”I'm sorry, Chelsea, I didn't mean to bother you with this,” She said quickly.
”Oh, no, that's okay,” I said and flashed a quick smile. I looked down at Liam who was now asleep on the ground. I picked him up and laid him down on my lap.
”Could... I hold him?” Gena whispered and looked at Liam.
”Uh...” But she was already picking him up from my lap. And when she held the baby, she looked like a mother. I didn't look like a mother. I looked like a 15 year old with someone else's child. But that's because I wasn't ready to have a child when I had Liam. And because I didn't look like a 25 year old, either. I just didn't look like I could be someone's mother.
We talked for another hour before she needed to go to work. I went home and immediately called Zacky. I asked him to come over and soon enough we were sitting in my livingroom.
”Guess what happened today?”
”What?”
”I met Gena,” I told him and his eyes went wide.
”You didn't tell her... Did you?”
”No. But she told me something,” I said.
”What did she tell you?”
”That she can't have kids. And you said you don't mind, but you've been so distant lately that you really do mind.”
”What? Really? Does she have to tell everyone that?” Zacky muttered and rolled his eyes, ”I don't understand why she wants to have kids so badly.”
”Why don't you want?” I asked. He shrugged.
”Because I already have a kid and that's all I need right now,” He told me.
”Yeah, but she feels bad, you know? You need to make sure she understands that you don't care if she can't give you children,” I told him. He laughed and shook his head.
”Oh, Chelsea, Chelsea. Why do you feel the need to make our relationship better? Shouldn't you hate Gena?” Zacky asked with a grin.
”It's not like I love her, but I feel bad for her. She can't ever have own kids which is... Wrong,” I said quietly with a shrug. He wrapped his arm around my shoulders and pulled me closer to his side. He kissed the top of my head and sighed.
”And what you're doing right now is wrong,” I told him.
”Oh, I know. But I can't help myself,” He murmured and chuckled.
♠ ♠ ♠
Thanks paint.it.black. and majoji for the comments (and for our awesome conversations!)