Taking Down the Sunrise

Sparks flew from Lily’s wand into the fireplace. She couldn’t believe that the house elves had let the fire go out again. But, in all fairness, she had been the one putting out the flames and she had told them to get lost about an hour ago.

With a sigh, she rose to leave but paused when she heard footsteps approaching. In the darkness the first thing she saw of him was his mischievous smile. Then, his unruly black hair lit up as he stepped further into the common room.

“You really shouldn’t make it a habit to be down here so late, Evans.”

“Leave me alone, James.”

“Your sparks woke me up,” he countered playfully. Approaching slowly, he whispered, “Maybe you should be the one to put me back to sleep?”

Lily glared at him darkly, “What part of ‘leave me alone’ do you not understand?”

James shrugged as he sat down on the couch. Grabbing her hand, he pulled her to sit beside him and said nonchalantly, “I heard you and Snivellus broke up.”

“Don’t call him that,”

“I still heard that the two of you are over,” he said plainly, “Want to tell me what that was all about? I thought you told me you loved him.”

“I do love him,”

“So the problem was...?”

She sneered at him and said coldly, “Do you really expect me to believe that you don’t know what happened?”

“It’s just that... the reason I know doesn’t make a whole lot of sense, Lil. After all, you were ready with me.”

“Don’t bring that up now,”

“Why not?” James replied. He shifted on the couch so that he had a better view of her and continued in an unemotional tone, “It seems like the perfect time to bring it up. You can’t be with Severus after sleeping with him, can’t even stand to look at him from what I’ve heard and yet we probably did it, what? Eight, nine times?”

“Seven,”

“Seven times. And you’re looking at me right now. So, Lil, what does that tell you about you and me versus you and him?”

Lily shook her head, “It’s not like that, James.”

“Then what’s it like?”

“I love Severus and I was nowhere near that with you. There’s something about that connections, the feeling of just being one person me and him that... well, it scares the shit out of me. And I don’t know how to be one entity with someone else. You know me, James. I’m completely independent and I don’t need anything and... I can’t just give myself away to someone like that.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean... that I don’t know how to be with him after that. It has nothing to do with being ready. The word ‘ready’ doesn’t even come close to covering why I’m so scared. Why am I so scared, James?”

“Because you don’t want to get that close to anyone again,”

“What do you mean again?”

“Your sister,”

Lily nodded slowly, letting her mind drift to Petunia and all the names her sister had called her. They had been close once but now they barely said two words to each other all summer long. “Sev would never do something like that to me.”

“Your brain will think what it wants, but your heart’s still afraid,” James stood and patted Lily lightly on the shoulder, “Get some sleep, Lil.”

“Wait... stay.”

James froze and very slowly shook his head.

“Why not?”

“Why not?” He paused as if considering the question and then turned back to her, “How about because I love you and those seven times meant the world to me and you basically just told me you were screwing me for sport?”

She stared after him as he walked away and then slumped down in front of the fire. With a flick of her wand, she let the common room descend into darkness and cursed herself for forgetting that James had feelings.