Nightmare
xoxox
"No one to call
Everybody to fear
Your tragic fate is looking so clear, yeah
Ooooh, It’s your fuckin’ nightmare"
What’s it like when everything ends? When heartbeats stop? When boundaries are broken and your left here lost? Better yet.....when does the healing start?
These were the question flowing through my mind the day I watched my heart be lowered into the ground with his casket. I remember the rain falling hard over my head, soaking the umbrella above me. My big brother stood next to me, with his arm around me.
I remember how Benny died. I had just walked in the door, after a long day of work. I was on my way to our room, tired after everything that day. I remember the way it felt to see the bedroom floor soaked in the crimson liquid. To see how the carpet soaked up his blood. His body was so still with blood flowing from the open wounds along his arms. I remember how my whole body went numb; Starting at the top of my head, and shooting down to the very end of my toes.
I couldn't breathe. I couldn't feel. My heart almost stopped beating, as tears began to flow down my now pale cheeks. My face had lost all it's color. My vision was blurred from the little droplets of water filling my eyes.
"Benny!" I shouted, rushing over to him. My legs went limp, and I fell over his body. I grasped the collar of his shirt, and rested my head on his chest; crying hystarically, soaking his shirt in my tears.
My head raced with thoughts; Why? Why would he do this to himself? I didn't understand. He wasn't depressed. He hadn't shown any signs of wanting to give up his life. He was happy. He was content with his life. Why would he do this?!
More pressingly, why would he do this to me? I couldn't bare living without him, and he knew that. We'd astablished that so many times over the course of our relationship, that I felt comfortable to trust him with that. To believe him when he said he'd never leave.
Suddenly I felt dizzy. Horribly dizzy. It was getting hard to breathe, and I felt numb all over. It felt like someone picked up and the room and wouldn't stop spinning it. Darkness flooded my vision, and I fell over, collapsing onto the floor next to Benny.
--3 months later--
"So sedated as they medicate your brain
And while you slowly go insane they tell ya
"Given with the best intentions, help you with your complications""
This was the fourth time I'd been to see her. She never seemed to understand where I was coming from, and obviously had never lost anyone that close to her. I pretty much dispised going to see her, but my big brother thought it was a good idea when I told him about the voices that came to me at night. That wouldn't shut up. He had set up an appointment with a shrink, and once a week had driven me 2 1/2 hours to see her. She was supposedly one of the best in our state, yet somehow she never failed to alienate my feelings. To make me feel awkward talking about them. The only thing that really helped these days was the lithium that she had perscribed me. It seemed to take the edge off things, and dumbed down my emotions until they were once again barable. It also held off the voices.
But at night, when the sun would go down, and I was left alone in what used to be our bed, I would cry myself to sleep. Even the lithium couldn't stop the voices from coming then.
Each morning, I'd lie awake staring at my celing. Just staring at it, trying to find patterns in the water damage. A while ago there had been a storm passing through, and had leaked into our attic, and caused some water damage. I remember how Benny tried to fix it himself, and how frustrated he'd get when something didn't work as well as he'd thought it would. And how I'd brought him lunch, and we'd just sit on the roof, and watch the clouds together.
I had known then, that I would never love anyone else. No one could ever replace him. He was perfect.
"And I know you hear their voices
And I know they may seem real
But our life's made up of choices
They took for granted your soul
And it's ours now to steal"
It had been six months, and nothing had gotten better. I'd stopped seeing my shrink, and had stopped taking the lithium. I had felt as if it was prolonging the healing process; Holding my emotions at bay. Making it unable to face them. This also meant the voices had become more frequent and had also gotten louder. They would tell me to do things. To hurt people; To hurt myself. They would tell me about how Benny had never loved me. How he never cared. And how I made his life so terrible, that he wanted to end it.
It was getting harder to sit through days without losing my temper in some form or another. I couldn't look in a mirror without seeing his face. Without seeing his arms; The blood dripping down to the tips of his fingers and falling into little pools as the droplets hit the floor. How was I to heal, if I couldn't stop seeing it? If I couldn't brush my hair without witnessing his death all over again. At least I never left the house these days. Because if I did, people would probably assume me to be homeless. I hardly showered, and never brushed my hair. I was almost affraid of the mirrors in our house. And in our bathroom, one of the walls was a mirror. Benny had decided to make that addition to our bathroom the day after I broke our first bathroom mirror. I had gotten so mad because I couldn't see my entire body in it. We were going out on a date that night and I needed to see how my new dress fit. I was already having a horrible night as it was, and I had lost my temper and thrown my hair dryer at it, and cracked it. Benny had opened the bathroom door, walked in, and just held me as I cried. He always knew what to do. Even if just silently holding me was it. He always knew. But now he was gone, and I was affraid to even step foot in my own bathroom. When I finally did have to use the bathroom, I would keep my eyes shut, and feel my way to the toilet. My life was truly worthless without him.
"Victim of your own creation, beyond the will to fight,
Where all that’s wrong is right
where hate don’t need a reason
Love is self-assassination"
She had long blonde hair, and icey blue eyes. She was a little taller than me, and was much skinnier than I was. She was everything I wasn't. She was who I wanted to be, yet knew I would never be anything close to what she was. I had brown hair, and hazel eyes. I was shorter, and rounder. My body shape was no where near perfect. Hers was, though. Her everything was perfect. I guess she had plenty of time to groom herself, since she spent all her time in mirrors. She was my mirror friend. She lived in my mirrors. Her name was Heather. She was perfect. Standing there next to her, I felt worthless. Standing there, looking her in the eye, I knew I was worthless.
Things were so different from when Benny was here. Every morning, when I'd wake up, he would say, "Good morning, love of my life. You're absolutely gorgeous, you know that?" And back then, I did. I believed everythig he said. But now I was a worthless, plain woman. I had been fired from my job, and had received an eviction notice in the mail a few days earlier. I had to move out by the end of the month.
My life had gone to shit. Every night as I lay in bed, I would hear Heather screaming. She always wanted to talk to me. She always wanted to tell me how I had failed Benny, and how I was worthless. It was getting so I wouldn't even have to see her face to face to have conversations with her. Some nights I would shout back at her. I would try and argue with her, telling her that I had once been everything to someone. How I had once been perfect. Just like she was. But in the end, she would win, and I would fall asleep knowing I was nothing.
"Lost, lost, hit the wall.
Watch you crawl.
Such a replaceable liar."
At first I had tried to argue with her, but soon came the day I discovered she would always win. No matter what angle I played at, she would find a way to counter it, and smash all my hopes of ever getting better. An even more shocking day than that, was the day I first agreed with her. When I started to see myself the way she did. When I started believing how much everyone hated me. How much of a dissapointment I had been to everyone. Even to Benny.
I was losing it. My days were now spent in front of my mirror, agreeing with what I was sure was a halucination. And what's funny, is I didn't seem to care if she was real or not. I was convinced she was right. I was about to pull my hair out; I needed an escape from all this madness. I needed to be with Benny again. I was nothing without him.
Besides, no one really needed me around. I hadn't seen or heard from my parents in years, and my twin was living in Japan with his new family. He had moved there as a foreign exchange student, and met the girl he married 6 months later, and they now have 2 kids and are living in a traditional japanese house in Tokyo. They would get the news eventually, but he had so much more to live for. I had nothing to live for. I had everything to die for. And that's what I was going to do. I was going to kill myself. I was just a replacable part of their lives. They would be able to move on. But I couldn't. My life was over, but theirs was only beggining.
"You’re now a slave until the end of time.
And nothing stops the madness turning,
haunting, yearning, pull the trigger!"
It was the first time I'd been out in weeks. I had finally managed to brush the massive knots out of my hair, and had finally stepped into the shower, and let the warm, refreshing water pour over every inch of my body. It felt good to get clean again, but I still knew what needed to be done. And nothing was going to stop me. I had found comfort in the fact that I was going to be with my Benny again. That we were going to be together forever. Just like we'd planned on before he left me.
Now I was sitting in my car. Looking at my brand new GP 35. I was excited. I was going to see Benny today. For the first time in almost a year. And I still needed him just like I had the day he left me.
When I finally got home, I rushed inside. It felt just like the day I moved in with him. I had gotten home late that day and had ran up the walkway, eager to see him. At the fond memory, I slammed the door shut, and ran up the stairs. I was shocked to find Benny sitting at the edge of our bed. For the first time in 10 months, he was there. He was sitting there on our bed like he used to when I would get home from work. I ran over to him, and knelt infront of him. When my hand passed through him, I knew he was just another halucination. But I didn't care. I smiled at him, and let a tear slip down my cheek. I pulled out my new found escape. I cocked it back, and brought it up to my head, my hand shaking slightly. I looked up into his big brown eyes, and letting another tear slide down my cheek, I whispered, "I love you." and pulled the trigger.
Everybody to fear
Your tragic fate is looking so clear, yeah
Ooooh, It’s your fuckin’ nightmare"
What’s it like when everything ends? When heartbeats stop? When boundaries are broken and your left here lost? Better yet.....when does the healing start?
These were the question flowing through my mind the day I watched my heart be lowered into the ground with his casket. I remember the rain falling hard over my head, soaking the umbrella above me. My big brother stood next to me, with his arm around me.
I remember how Benny died. I had just walked in the door, after a long day of work. I was on my way to our room, tired after everything that day. I remember the way it felt to see the bedroom floor soaked in the crimson liquid. To see how the carpet soaked up his blood. His body was so still with blood flowing from the open wounds along his arms. I remember how my whole body went numb; Starting at the top of my head, and shooting down to the very end of my toes.
I couldn't breathe. I couldn't feel. My heart almost stopped beating, as tears began to flow down my now pale cheeks. My face had lost all it's color. My vision was blurred from the little droplets of water filling my eyes.
"Benny!" I shouted, rushing over to him. My legs went limp, and I fell over his body. I grasped the collar of his shirt, and rested my head on his chest; crying hystarically, soaking his shirt in my tears.
My head raced with thoughts; Why? Why would he do this to himself? I didn't understand. He wasn't depressed. He hadn't shown any signs of wanting to give up his life. He was happy. He was content with his life. Why would he do this?!
More pressingly, why would he do this to me? I couldn't bare living without him, and he knew that. We'd astablished that so many times over the course of our relationship, that I felt comfortable to trust him with that. To believe him when he said he'd never leave.
Suddenly I felt dizzy. Horribly dizzy. It was getting hard to breathe, and I felt numb all over. It felt like someone picked up and the room and wouldn't stop spinning it. Darkness flooded my vision, and I fell over, collapsing onto the floor next to Benny.
--3 months later--
"So sedated as they medicate your brain
And while you slowly go insane they tell ya
"Given with the best intentions, help you with your complications""
This was the fourth time I'd been to see her. She never seemed to understand where I was coming from, and obviously had never lost anyone that close to her. I pretty much dispised going to see her, but my big brother thought it was a good idea when I told him about the voices that came to me at night. That wouldn't shut up. He had set up an appointment with a shrink, and once a week had driven me 2 1/2 hours to see her. She was supposedly one of the best in our state, yet somehow she never failed to alienate my feelings. To make me feel awkward talking about them. The only thing that really helped these days was the lithium that she had perscribed me. It seemed to take the edge off things, and dumbed down my emotions until they were once again barable. It also held off the voices.
But at night, when the sun would go down, and I was left alone in what used to be our bed, I would cry myself to sleep. Even the lithium couldn't stop the voices from coming then.
Each morning, I'd lie awake staring at my celing. Just staring at it, trying to find patterns in the water damage. A while ago there had been a storm passing through, and had leaked into our attic, and caused some water damage. I remember how Benny tried to fix it himself, and how frustrated he'd get when something didn't work as well as he'd thought it would. And how I'd brought him lunch, and we'd just sit on the roof, and watch the clouds together.
I had known then, that I would never love anyone else. No one could ever replace him. He was perfect.
"And I know you hear their voices
And I know they may seem real
But our life's made up of choices
They took for granted your soul
And it's ours now to steal"
It had been six months, and nothing had gotten better. I'd stopped seeing my shrink, and had stopped taking the lithium. I had felt as if it was prolonging the healing process; Holding my emotions at bay. Making it unable to face them. This also meant the voices had become more frequent and had also gotten louder. They would tell me to do things. To hurt people; To hurt myself. They would tell me about how Benny had never loved me. How he never cared. And how I made his life so terrible, that he wanted to end it.
It was getting harder to sit through days without losing my temper in some form or another. I couldn't look in a mirror without seeing his face. Without seeing his arms; The blood dripping down to the tips of his fingers and falling into little pools as the droplets hit the floor. How was I to heal, if I couldn't stop seeing it? If I couldn't brush my hair without witnessing his death all over again. At least I never left the house these days. Because if I did, people would probably assume me to be homeless. I hardly showered, and never brushed my hair. I was almost affraid of the mirrors in our house. And in our bathroom, one of the walls was a mirror. Benny had decided to make that addition to our bathroom the day after I broke our first bathroom mirror. I had gotten so mad because I couldn't see my entire body in it. We were going out on a date that night and I needed to see how my new dress fit. I was already having a horrible night as it was, and I had lost my temper and thrown my hair dryer at it, and cracked it. Benny had opened the bathroom door, walked in, and just held me as I cried. He always knew what to do. Even if just silently holding me was it. He always knew. But now he was gone, and I was affraid to even step foot in my own bathroom. When I finally did have to use the bathroom, I would keep my eyes shut, and feel my way to the toilet. My life was truly worthless without him.
"Victim of your own creation, beyond the will to fight,
Where all that’s wrong is right
where hate don’t need a reason
Love is self-assassination"
She had long blonde hair, and icey blue eyes. She was a little taller than me, and was much skinnier than I was. She was everything I wasn't. She was who I wanted to be, yet knew I would never be anything close to what she was. I had brown hair, and hazel eyes. I was shorter, and rounder. My body shape was no where near perfect. Hers was, though. Her everything was perfect. I guess she had plenty of time to groom herself, since she spent all her time in mirrors. She was my mirror friend. She lived in my mirrors. Her name was Heather. She was perfect. Standing there next to her, I felt worthless. Standing there, looking her in the eye, I knew I was worthless.
Things were so different from when Benny was here. Every morning, when I'd wake up, he would say, "Good morning, love of my life. You're absolutely gorgeous, you know that?" And back then, I did. I believed everythig he said. But now I was a worthless, plain woman. I had been fired from my job, and had received an eviction notice in the mail a few days earlier. I had to move out by the end of the month.
My life had gone to shit. Every night as I lay in bed, I would hear Heather screaming. She always wanted to talk to me. She always wanted to tell me how I had failed Benny, and how I was worthless. It was getting so I wouldn't even have to see her face to face to have conversations with her. Some nights I would shout back at her. I would try and argue with her, telling her that I had once been everything to someone. How I had once been perfect. Just like she was. But in the end, she would win, and I would fall asleep knowing I was nothing.
"Lost, lost, hit the wall.
Watch you crawl.
Such a replaceable liar."
At first I had tried to argue with her, but soon came the day I discovered she would always win. No matter what angle I played at, she would find a way to counter it, and smash all my hopes of ever getting better. An even more shocking day than that, was the day I first agreed with her. When I started to see myself the way she did. When I started believing how much everyone hated me. How much of a dissapointment I had been to everyone. Even to Benny.
I was losing it. My days were now spent in front of my mirror, agreeing with what I was sure was a halucination. And what's funny, is I didn't seem to care if she was real or not. I was convinced she was right. I was about to pull my hair out; I needed an escape from all this madness. I needed to be with Benny again. I was nothing without him.
Besides, no one really needed me around. I hadn't seen or heard from my parents in years, and my twin was living in Japan with his new family. He had moved there as a foreign exchange student, and met the girl he married 6 months later, and they now have 2 kids and are living in a traditional japanese house in Tokyo. They would get the news eventually, but he had so much more to live for. I had nothing to live for. I had everything to die for. And that's what I was going to do. I was going to kill myself. I was just a replacable part of their lives. They would be able to move on. But I couldn't. My life was over, but theirs was only beggining.
"You’re now a slave until the end of time.
And nothing stops the madness turning,
haunting, yearning, pull the trigger!"
It was the first time I'd been out in weeks. I had finally managed to brush the massive knots out of my hair, and had finally stepped into the shower, and let the warm, refreshing water pour over every inch of my body. It felt good to get clean again, but I still knew what needed to be done. And nothing was going to stop me. I had found comfort in the fact that I was going to be with my Benny again. That we were going to be together forever. Just like we'd planned on before he left me.
Now I was sitting in my car. Looking at my brand new GP 35. I was excited. I was going to see Benny today. For the first time in almost a year. And I still needed him just like I had the day he left me.
When I finally got home, I rushed inside. It felt just like the day I moved in with him. I had gotten home late that day and had ran up the walkway, eager to see him. At the fond memory, I slammed the door shut, and ran up the stairs. I was shocked to find Benny sitting at the edge of our bed. For the first time in 10 months, he was there. He was sitting there on our bed like he used to when I would get home from work. I ran over to him, and knelt infront of him. When my hand passed through him, I knew he was just another halucination. But I didn't care. I smiled at him, and let a tear slip down my cheek. I pulled out my new found escape. I cocked it back, and brought it up to my head, my hand shaking slightly. I looked up into his big brown eyes, and letting another tear slide down my cheek, I whispered, "I love you." and pulled the trigger.