All Yours Somehow

“So how are you enjoying tour life?” Jared asked, as we sat down to eat in a restaurant with Tessa and John near the venue.

“Yeah, it’s alright. I didn’t really know what to expect to be honest,” I told him. “It’s been a lot of fun though.”

“I told you you’d have a good time,” John said, leaning in to kiss my cheek.

The four of us ordered our food and the conversation continued. John kept stealing glances at me as we ate, which I knew meant he was planning something. There were just two days left until Tessa and I would leave and head home to let the boys continue with the tour. In some ways, I couldn’t wait to get back home. The past couple of days had been great but there was something else going on which I just wanted to deal with on my own away from the guys.

“Any plans for when you two get home?” John asked.

“Work, work, work, oh and guess what? More work!” Tessa laughed. “Hannah?”

“Sleep! And lots of it!” I told them. I really wasn’t used to the ‘sleep all day, party all night’ lifestyle, even if I was a college student/

“Don’t you want to just stay here a bit longer?” John whined.

“On a bus with loads of sweaty and smelly guys? Hmm...let me thing about that!” I joked.

Once we were all finished with our food and we’d paid, we headed back down the street to the venue where John and Jared were immediately called to soundcheck. Tessa and I found the backstage dressing room and sat down on one of the sofas. Since everyone else was either on stage or helping them set up, it was just the two of us. We sat and chatted for a bit before I suddenly had the biggest urge from inside me.

“Sorry T, excuse me,” I said, jumping up from the sofa and running to the nearest bathroom. I couldn’t get there quick enough and as soon as I’d shut the door, I threw myself to the floor as I emptied what felt like all my the contents of the stomach into the toilet. As I collapsed to the floor completely, I felt drained and just want curled up and cry. I stayed there for a couple more minutes before finally composing myself and leaving the bathroom. As I walked out, Tessa was stood outside the door with her arms crossed and a questioning look on her face.

“Are you alright?” she asked.

“I’m fine,” I said, walking past her back to the dressing room. As she followed me, she checked the corridor before then shutting the door and coming and sitting back down next to me.

“OK, girlie, spill. What’s up?”

“What?” I asked, confused.

“Don’t act dumb with me, I heard you in the bathroom. We’re both girls here, I know when something’s not right,” she told me. “So come on, what is it?”

“It’s nothing,” I mumbled.

“No it’s not. Hannah, I have to ask, you making your self throw up?” she said softly. I eyed as she said this. I couldn’t have even imagined doing that to myself. “Is it stress? I know you just had you final exams and they can be difficult. Or is it to do with John? Or just being here, I know this was hard for you before,” she questioned.

“No it’s nothing to with any of that,” I told her. ‘Lie’ my mind was telling. Was I ready to talk to anyone about it yet? Could I not just wait until we got home and talk to Holly about it? Although, she would probably freak out and not be any help to me. At least I knew Tessa would keep me thinking rationally. I decided I only had one option, I had to go with it.

“I...er, I think,” I stuttered out. “I think there might be a slight, you know, I think that I might be, um,” I mumbled. “Pregnant.”

“Oh god Hannah,” Tessa said, leaning in to give me a hug.

I’d been keeping it in for a while now, especially while we’d been on the tour. I couldn’t tell John, not until I knew for sure. I wasn’t even sure how I felt about it myself yet so there was not way I could talk to John about it yet.

“Is that why you keep distancing yourself from him this week?” she asked, pulling out of the hug and looking at me. I nodded in response. “I wish you would have told me before. Have you taken a test yet?”

“No I can’t do it with John around, I don’t want him to know yet.”

“OK, OK, well you need to do one just to ease your mind, if nothing else. I’ll be with you when you and no matter what happens I’ll help you through this,” she told me. “I’ll let Jared know we’re going out for a bit. We can just tell the guys we’re going shopping or something,” she smiled.

“I have to do it now?” I asked, wide eyed.

“Han, I’m not going to make you do anything, but it’s going to drive you crazy not knowing.”

“Thanks T,” I half smiled.

“No problem, we got to stick together with all these guys around.”

We found a store and a test, much to the disgust of the woman behind the counter and we disappeared into the toilets so I could pee on the stick. Tessa waited right outside the door patiently as I waited for the time to pass to see the results.

“I can’t do it,” I told Tessa as I held the stick. My nerves took over as I realised that there was a 50/50 chance that my whole life could change just by what it said on the test. I opened the door to see her stood there and tears began to stream down my face. “I can’t look at it.”

Tessa took the test from me and put it back in the box, wrapping her arms around me. I wasn’t ready for my life to change just yet.