All Yours Somehow

I’d arrived home from tour five days ago and hadn’t spoken to John once since I’d left him to continue the tour. It had been very tense for the last couple of days that I had still been on the tour with the boys for. I spent most the day on the bus and only came off to watch the guys set and spent the rest of the night on the bus again, even if most the guys went out. Rumours had already spread around the bands on the our about us and I knew soon it would spread even further and the fans would begin to say things about me and John. The rest of the guys didn’t seem to know what to say around us when we were together and seemed to stay out of the way when we were. John and I were civil with each other but we weren’t ourselves. We couldn’t fight it out on tour so we just tried to act as best we could. It was a huge relief for everyone when the time came for me and Tessa to fly home. When we were at the airport and all the guys were saying goodbye to us, Jared and Tessa were having a long, loved-up farewell while all me and John could do was a simple ‘see you soon’ and he kissed my cheek. It just felt awkward.

Since coming home, I had tried to keep myself occupied to keep my mind off the main issue. I had told Holly what had happened and she told me to call John and just talk to him but I couldn’t do it.

The boys were due home today and I still hadn’t spoken to any of them but John had sent me a text asking to see me when he did get home which I ignored. As bad as that made me feel, it just meant me and him would have to face up to our problems sooner if I did reply.

Hours passed and I still didn’t reply to John. He then sent another asking when he could see me and telling me he missed me. I wanted to see him but something inside me knew something was wrong and was telling me not to.

Holly knew to try and keep my mind off everything by now and decided to order us pizzas and put a movie on. We watched one film and without even giving me a chance to say a word, she got straight up once it finished and put another on.

“Holly, will you chill out, woman!” I laughed as she sat back down next to me.

“Hey there’s no point staring at the menu screen!” she said as she pressed play to start the next film.

“Finding Nemo? Seriously, Hol, how old are you?”

“Finding Nemo is awesome, shut up!” she said, staring at the screen.

We got about 30 minutes through the film before there was a knock at the door. As Holly went to get up, I made her sit back down.

“Enjoy your film, I can get the door,” I told her, walking out of the living room and down the hallway. As I opened the door, I immediately wished that I’d let Holly get the door.

“Hey Hannah,” he smiled softly at me.

“What are you doing here John?” I asked.

“You didn’t reply to my messages, I wanted to make sure you were alright.”

“Did you not think I didn’t reply because I didn’t want to see you yet?”

“Ouch,” he said, his smiled fading and a sad look in his eyes. I didn’t mean to hurt him but I still couldn’t deal with this.

“So you came, you saw, I’m fine. What do you want?” I asked.

“Are you not even going to invite me in?”

“John, if you think you can come here and we’ll just be fine, you were wrong. Hate to say it, but it’s not that easy.”

“I know that, but I was hoping we could just talk,” he explained.

“I just need time,” I said, quietly.

“Time? Hannah, we haven’t spoken in five days and even for three days before that we didn’t have a proper conversation. How much time do you need?” he asked, looking at me expectantly.

I stared at the ground for a few seconds before looking to John. He looked tired from tour as he stood in my doorway. Dressed in his usual black skinny jeans and long sleeved black top, I let out a sigh as I realised nothing had really changed.

“Fine, come in,” I said, moving out of the way so he could step inside. I led him through to the living room where Holly was still on the couch.

“Who was at the door?” she asked without looking away from the screen.

“Holly, guess who’s here,” I said, finally making her turn her attention to us. Her eyes went wide as she looked from me to John and back to me again.

“Hi, Holly,” John smiled at her.

“Oh,” she said, sitting up. “I’ll leave you two alone.”

Holly got up and went to her room, leaving me and John alone. I signaled for him to sit down as I took a seat on the opposite arm chair.

“Look Hannah, there’s no easy way about this and I know you think I’m a jerk or whatever but we need to sort this out sooner or later,” he began.

“I don’t think you’re a jerk, John,” I told him.

“Then what is it?”

“I was just disappointed in the way you acted.”

“Disappointed? At what, that I’m not ready to be a father yet?” he questioned. “Because if that’s what it is then I think we’ve got other issues.”

“Are you actually fucking serious right not?” My voice was beginning to get louder as I spoke. “Will you just listen for once in your life?”

“Fine, go ahead.”

“I wasn’t disappointed that you said you weren't ready to be a father yet. In fact, that was the bit I was quite relieved about. I’m not ready to be a mom yet either so it’s fine. I understand we’re young and both in no position to raise a child, even if we had to,” I told him. “What hurt the most was how insistent you were that we could just get it ‘taken care of’. You didn’t even take one second to even consider what I wanted to do, John. Did you once think about me and what I wanted in that situation?”

“No, I guess not,” he mumbled.

“Exactly. All you cared about you and yourself,” I said, feeling the tears forming in my eyes. “It just didn’t matter about me.”

“I’m sorry,” he said. “I’m so sorry, Hannah.”

“It’s too late for that John, the damage is done.”

“So you’re going to let the last 18 months just turn to nothing.”

“That’s not what I said,” I told him. “I let you in here tonight so we could talk, even though I told you I wasn’t ready. I’ve now told you what’s been going round in my head and you’re straight away accusing me of giving up on us.”

“I’m not accusing you of anything,” he said. “I understand I overreacted about it all, but you just don’t expect to find out your girlfriend might be pregnant whilst you’re out on tour.”

“It wasn’t exactly a great time for me either you know,” I told him. “It’s terrifying. Especially since the only person I could talk to about it who would even slightly understand was Tessa.”

We sat in silence for a couple of minutes with nothing but the sound of our breathing filling the room.

“I have to ask,” I finally said, breaking the silence. “If I had been pregnant, would you really have made me get rid of it?”

He didn’t answer at first. He didn’t even look at me. I began to dread what he was actually going to say.

“No, I wouldn’t have made you get rid of it,” he said. “Like I said, I overreacted. We could have talked about it, but in the end, I would have definitely asked you to weigh up your options.”

“And?”

“Well, I would have felt quite strongly that neither of us were in a position to bring a child into the world,” he explained. “But that’s not to say I think getting rid of it would have been your only option. And it definitely doesn’t mean that I don’t think that you’ll be a great mom.”

A single tear ran down my face. I knew we were young and not ready to be parents, but something inside me wanted a paternal side of John to come out but it didn’t. Not once.

“Hannah you can’t tell me you are actually ready to be a mother,” he said. I shook my head, once again avoiding meeting his glance. “Then, I’m sorry, but I don’t get why you’re still so upset.”

“It’s not that I’m upset, honestly, it’s not,” I told him. “I just wanted to be wrong.”

“Why did you want to be wrong?”

“I wanted you to tell me that had I actually been pregnant, that everything would have been OK and you would have been there for me no matter what I decided. But I knew you couldn’t do it, and you proved me right.”

“Of course I would have, don’t be ridiculous.”

“No John, you admitted it, you would have felt strongly for me to get rid of it,” I said. “You were thinking about number one, and that’s you and only you.”

We sat in silence for a few more minutes before I realied there was nothing more either of us could say.

“I think it’s time you went home,” I said, softly.

“Alright, if that’s what you want,” he said, to which I nodded. He stood up and I copied his motion, following him out to the door. “You know I love you, Hannah, don’t forget that.”

“I love you too,” I said, watching him leave. “Bye John.”

“Good night, Hannah,” he said and was off down the corridor. I shut the door and leaned against it, finally letting the tears fall down my cheeks. I knew this wouldn’t be the last time I cried over John O’Callaghan.