All Yours Somehow

Sitting in our booth, I looked at everyone I was with to see a smile on every face. Except mine.

Once again, Holly had dragged me out for yet another night on the town. Not only had she made me come out, but she had also spent the entire might so far trying to set me up with Todd, the average height, brown-haired guy from her American History class. He was a good looking guy but there was something missing and I couldn’t work out what it was.

As people from out group started drifting off, either hitting the dance floor or going home, I felt like more and more pressure was being put on me to either tell him the truth or just go for it. A few more drinks down and my mind told me to go for it. What’s the worst that could happen?

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“Do you remember what you did last night?” Holly asked, as we sat down on the couch with a bag of chips.

“Please don’t remind me,” I groaned as I covered myself with a blanket.

“Hannah, I’m not being funny but this getting ridiculous,” she said, shoving chips in her mouth. “Every time we go out, you get blackout drunk and can’t remember anything that happened.”

“Yeah and?”

“Do you even know who you were with last night?”

“No,” I shrugged.

“Exactly my point,” she told me. “You can’t keep doing this, it’s not healthy.”

“You do it,” I said.

“I don’t get completely fucking wasted every time!” she shook her head. “And that’s not exactly what I meant.”

“Then what did you mean, Hol?”

“I know why you’re doing this and let me tell you from experience, it will not help you.”

I knew what she was talking about and she was completely right. I was trying to stop myself from thinking of everything that was trying to take over my mind. Instead, I’d moved to living in the moment, which now involved a lot of drinking and partying followed by a lot of morning after hangovers. Not that they really seemed to bother me any more, nor did the short term memory loss each time I went out.

“Hannah, what happened? Like, really. Do you wanna talk about it?” Holy asked, her tone completely flat but laced with concerned.

“He sent me a message,” I told her.

“Like a text message?”

I shook my head, “Voicemail.”

“Shit, Han,” Holly said, finally putting down her chips and sitting up. “Why didn’t you say anything?”

“It was about month ago now, I listened to it once before college and ignored it.”

“What did it say?”

“I can’t really remember. He was drunk and was basically just rambling.”

“You know what they say, a drunken man’s words are a sober man’s thoughts,” she said, trying to lighten the mood.

“He just kept saying ‘I’m sorry’ but I want him to know that he has nothing to be sorry for.”

“God, Hannah, then tell him that!”

“I can’t, it’s been too long,” I mumbled.

“Shut up and stop being so stupid,” she said. “Call him, go see him, whatever. Just do something. You still love him, I know it, we all know it. It’s time you and him figured it out as well!”

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I got in my car and began driving, not towards any particular destination, just driving the streets of Phoenix. I must have been driving over an hour before I realised I’d driven the same roads two or three times. I didn’t bother me though, I was driving to clear my head, not look at the scenery. Eventually I pulled up outside the mall, went inside and headed for the first place I could find that sold coffee. I ordered a latte and sat outside with it. I was happily watching the world go by saying a hello to the few people I saw that knew until I saw exactly what I didn’t want to see. It was exactly what I’d been stopping myself from thinking about.

John walked into the mall with Jared, Tessa and some other girl that he had his arm draped around the shoulders of. I had no idea who she was but the sight of together made me sick to the pit of my stomach.

I was completely judging the girl and I sort of felt bad about it because I didn’t even know the girl. She was quite short, her blonde hair fell in messy curls over her shoulders and her eyes were coated in mascara and eyeliner. The only thing I could that we had in common from here was that we both had blonde hair.

I sat there for a while as they walked further into the mall. I prayed, as they got closer, that they wouldn’t recognise me and wouldn’t come towards to me. In the end, panic took over and instead of waiting, I took myself out of the situation. I made my way out of the mall as quick as I could, my heart beating out of my chest, my legs trying to go faster that my body could.

As I walked past John, I kept my head down, pulling my scarf closer around my face to avoid being spotted. Making my last steps out of the mall, I thought I’d safely made it out with an awkward interaction, but luck was never on my side. I made the stupid mistake in the last second to take one more look at John, who at the moment decided to look at me and I saw the realisation in his face.

“Hannah?” I heard John call as I stepped through the exit of the building, deciding to ignore and get away from it as soon as possible.