The Remains Of My Wasted Youth.

It was with a really heavy heart that I sat down to dinner later that night. What Alex had said rang in my ears and had given me a headache. I just picked at my food, unable to eat. My parents had yet to notice as I pushed the same piece of chicken around my plate for the fiftieth time.

It was finally my dad who broke the silence. "Something wrong with the food, son?"

Son. It always bothered me that he called me son. It wasn't so much that it was what he had used to call my brother, but the fact that he never once called me by my name. Not Zack, not Zachary, not even Merrick. No kid, no bud, no other pet names at all. It was simply 'son'. But that was better than nothing at all, right?

I took a deep breath. "Have you guys kept in touch with the Gaskarths' for all this time?"

My parents' faces dropped and my mom's fork clattered to the table. My dad's face was red and for a brief moment, I swore he was going to punch me. Just the thought was enough to send me reeling backwards. I waited for an answer and after a few minutes, I was about ready to give up and pushed away from the table.

It was my mom's voice that made me halt in my tracks. "We had to make sure they couldn't hurt you again."

I whirled back. "Hurt me?! They never HURT me, Mom. Isobel and Peter loved me! Alex loved me. Maybe not in the way I loved him, but he gave me a hell of a lot more love than either of you!"

My mom's face paled. "Zack, you can't mean that ... we tried. We did everything we could for you. You just ... you were ..."

I cut her off angrily, mid sentence. "I wasn't Kevin, right? That's what you were trying to find a nice way to say? I wasn't the model son that your oldest was? I wasn't athletic and I wasn't intelligent and God forbid, I had my own plans that didn't involve becoming a doctor or lawyer like your precious perfect."

"ENOUGH!" MY dad roared. "Your brother is dead! Isn't that enough for you?"

"He sure as hell doesn't seem dead! He's all you talk about, he's all you think about. Do you know how many sentences have started with 'If Kevin was still here'? His pictures still line the walls! Where are my grad pictures, my prom pictures? Do I not exist to you? Do you forget sometimes that you have another son?" Tears were seeping out of my eyes as all the pent up emotions that I've repressed for the last few years threatened to overwhelm me. "Sometimes, I'm pretty sure you wish that I was the one who died."

Both my parent's faces were ashen. "Zachary, shut your mouth right now!"

But I couldn't. Emotions have overruled me. "Oh, so you know my name, huh? Great, point for you!"

SMASH.

The plate that my father had just thrown missed my head by about six inches and crashed into the wall, leaving a mess of sauce and peas sticking to the wall as it slowly slid down. My mom looked like she wanted to rush forward but didn't. She slid behind my father, who put a reassuring arm around her.

"Do you have anything you want to say for yourself?" my dad asked, his voice dangerous.

"Yes." My voice didn't even waver and that gave me the confidence I needed to proceed. "The Gaskarths are back, you bunch of idiots. So much for protecting me, huh? And I've already been with Alex. Been with him, if you know what I mean. And I plan on seeing him whether you like it or not. If he was good enough for Kevin, he should be good enough for me right? Oh, wait. You threw him away without a moment's hesitation after Kevin died. Maybe you really blame him, or maybe you just couldn't stand the thought of me having something that had once belonged to your baby. I'm not blind, I know there's a reason that the Gaskarth's left without even saying goodbye to me. So, how did you manage to find a way to make this my fault?"

My parents didn't say a damn word and I kept going.

"I may be stupid, but I'm not an idiot. I know what really happened that night, no matter how many ways you try and cover it up. And sooner or later, Alex is bound to remember something. He's already starting to remember bits and pieces, I see it. And I'll help him remember, so help me God. And when the truth comes out, you'll be sorry. Sorry that while the first son may have left you unwillingly, the second one is leaving you WILLINGLY. At least there's one thing me and Kevin will have in common - in the end, you lost both of us!"

My neighbor had came up to the door just as I was finishing my rant. I waved to her, pasted a pleasant smile on my face, and finished. "I'll be back for my stuff by Friday. If anything is touched before than, I will take you to court. I have a witness, too. Right, Mrs.McCord?" My elderly neighbor just nodded, looking shell-shocked. "Right, have a nice day, everyone."

I grabbed my keys, wallet, and phone and walked out of the house. I calmy started the car, pulled out of the driveway, and down the road. And then the moment I got out of vision, I pulled over to the side and sobbed my eyes out.

I cried for eveything - my brother, Alex, my parents, myself, the Gaskarths. We'd all been through so much and we had broken apart when we'd needed each other the most. You'd think my parents would have realized this, would have done more to keep the family together. But like 99% of the population, they didn't learn from their mistakes. I vowed to be different.

I got myself together and drove down the road to Alex's house. I pulled up and went around back. His parent's cars were there. Too fucking bad. I knocked on the door, and it was Alex who answered.

He saw the dried tears on my face and instantly wrapped his arms around me. "What's wrong, baby?"

"I ... it's a long story, but I really need a place to stay. Can I stay with you?" I asked.

His face blanked. "I, uh. I'm not sure that's a good idea ..." he trailed off, and then started again. "My parents ... my parents don't approve of you, Zack. They don't want me to see you."

My mind churned. "So, what, you're letting them tell you who you can and can't see?"

"NO!" Alex's voice was instantly defensive. "I told them that I'm going to see you no matter what. But I need time, Zack, I need to be able to bring them around. I could force them to let you stay, but then they'd resent me, and I couldn't stand that. They're all I have left," he said sadly.

"You have me!" I screamed in anger. "Why are people always choosing other people over me? Am I not good enough? What's wrong with me?" Tears started anew.

Alex looked panicked. "That's not what I meant -"

"I don't even care anymore! I don't need you, Alex! I don't need anybody! You'll be sorry. You all will!" I stormed off, jumping into my car and squealing backwards out of the driveway. As I switched into forward, I saw the faces of his parent's pushing against the window panes, and I saw Alex running into the front yard, but I didn't stop.

I rolled about 140 through town, daring anyone to stop me. Until I finally pulled into Rian's driveway. I didn't even knock on his door. I waved to his parents and climbed the stairs, pushing Rian's door open. My best friend looked up from his homework as I fell onto his bed, my face in his pillows.

"What's wrong, Z?" he said quietly, and didn't push me as I cried and cried for five minutes. Finally when no more tears would come out, I looked at him.

"Alex still doesn't want me, Ri. Neither do my parents. Nothing's changed. Nothing ever changes? Why do I try?"

Rian didn't even try to answer me. He just hugged me, and slowly the pain slipped away as the world became dark.