The Remains Of My Wasted Youth.

"Alexander Gaskarth," I said to the plump nurse who was sitting at the desk. She didn't look at me but flipped through her files in front of her. A frown crossed her face and she glanced up at me quickly, and then looked back down at her papers.

"What's your name?" she asked brusquely.

"Zachary Merrick," I said, too surprised to lie. Why had she asked me that? I'd never once been asked for my name at a hospital before. I usually just asked for the room number and went up.

She looked at me, a weird expression on her face. "I'm sorry," she said softly. "I can't tell you his room number."

My face literally dropped. "W-what?"

"The family has left a list of visitors that are to be admitted, and you're not on the list. I'm really sorry," she said, her voice losing all of its briskness.

Tears filled my eyes. "But I'm his - his -" I couldn't even spit it out.

"His what?" she asked, her eyes searching mine intensely.

"Nothing, " I said. "His nothing." And that was probably true. He probably hated me. He probably thought I'd used him to get revenge on Kevin's death. He probably thought I was going to make him fall in love with me and then throw him away. I turned away, the tears already falling down my face. My shoulders slumped and I walked down the hallway, not ready to go home, not ready to go to school, not ready to go anywhere that wasn't with Alex.

"Wait!" I hear a clatter of heels and looked back to see the nurse following me.

She caught up to me easily. "The family won't be back for at least an hour. I can give you a few minutes. Come with me."

I didn't even question her change of heart, I just followed her down the hallway and to the elevator. She pressed the button for the second floor and after a few seconds, I was following her down another hallway and into a small room. Alex's was the only occupied bed, and he looked pale and beautiful, his hair falling onto his forehead and his eyelashes gently brushing his cheeks.

"He's o-okay, right?" I asked. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if something bad had happened.

"He just suffered from a major shock, which is why he passed out. We gave him a strong sleeping pill, which will make him sleep from 12-24 hours. He'll be groggy and disoriented but no worse for the wear when he wakes up." She looked at him, and then looked at me. "You look like you could use at least 12 hours of sleep, too. But for now, I'll leave you two alone. Half an hour max, okay? If I get caught I can lose my job."

"Thank you," I said softly.

She smiled at me from the doorway. "I know what it's like to be young and in love," she said, and disappeared.

I sat down next to Alex. I gently brushed a piece of hair off his cheek and sat there, just listening to his breathing.

"How did it come to this, Lex?" I asked him sadly. "Your parents hate me, my parents hate you, you probably hate me, and I still love you. I've always loved you. I wish you'd realized that sooner. I wish I'd said something, before Kevin did. But he'd always been the confident one, as you know. And me, well, I'd never been anything special. But you, Alex, you always made me feel special. And I guess that's why I fell in love with you."

"But I don't blame you for falling in love with Kevin," I said, getting up and pacing back and forth. "I don't even blame Kevin for falling in love with you. He didn't know how I felt about you. If I'd told him, he would have let me have you. That was Kevin, always putting other people first. Always loving, always caring."

Tears slipped down my face. "I still miss him, you know. I wasn't the best brother. In fact, I should be nominated for worst brother of the year, you know, for trying to get you to leave him for me. I'm so sorry, Alex. I never should have done that to you. If you hadn't lost your memory in the accident, you'd have hated me then like you will when you wake up now."

I choked back a sob. "I can't believe the last words I ever spoke about my brother were so harsh, so mean. I didn't mean any of it. I didn't want him to die, or get hurt, I just wanted him to do something stupid and lose you, so I could have my chance. I'd suffer in silence for the rest of my life if I could go back."

I ran a hand absentmindedly over my scar. "No one really knows what happened that night. My parents have always blamed us. Not just you, but me, too. They don't love me, you know. Not anymore."

"When they went through Kevin's stuff, they found it. The anti depressants, the weed, the razors. Did you know? Did you know how much of a danger the perfect golden boy was, to himself, and everyone else? Who could have known that he was twisted, that he was sick the way he was? Sick enough to make a bomb? Was he going to kill himself? Us? Blow up the school? Who knows?"

I was sobbing again. "There are so many unanswered questions, Alex. SO MANY. When I found out you'd lost your memory in the explosion, I knew we'd never know what really happened that night. What had pushed him over the edge. Was it you? Was it me? Was it himself he wanted to kill? Was it us? We'll never know, unless by some miracle you suddenly remember everything."

I looked out the window, around the room, anywhere but at Alex. I didn't have to look at Alex to envision him, both back then and now. As hard as I tried, I couldn't picture my brother's face anymore. I couldn't even remember the expression on his face before he died, even though I'd seen it so clearly that it should be imprinted on my mind forever. But all memory of those last minutes were blurry at best. That's what made determining what happened so damn hard.

"I don't even know if I want to know at this point. It was classified as a freak accident. My parents told the police it was a science experiment gone horribly wrong, you know? But they cleaned out his room first, before the police. They got rid of the other bombs, the weed, all of it. Who's going to admit to anyone that their 16 year old son was getting high and making bombs?"

"Was it a suicide? Was it attempted murder? Who knows? Not me. Maybe you do. Maybe you don't. It doesn't matter. Maybe it was a simple accident."

I took Alex's hand again. "We all made our share of mistakes. My biggest one was loving you. I want to make myself hate you, but I can't. I fucking can't. Despite everything, no matter what, I love you, Alexander William Gaskarth."

Tears poured down my face again, and I let them fall for a few minutes before composing myself. I pressed my lips to his cheek and walked out the door quietly.

*******************************************************************

Alex's eyes opened, and he flailed around in panic for a minute, fighting with the sheets. It was dark in the room and it took him a minute to realize where he was. Hospital.

He searched the room, looking for Zack, looking for Kevin. They weren't there.

Had it just been a dream?

He closed his eyes, and saw the same scenes over and over again.

It was no dream. He'd remembered everything.