The Remains Of My Wasted Youth.

The next time I opened my eyes, I saw my mother's pale drawn face, her dark eyes staring at me. She sighed in relief the moment that I looked at her, and took my hand in hers.

"Alex, thank heavens. We've been so worried. How are you feeling? Should I get a nurse? Should I get -"

"Mom." My voice cracked, and my eyes welled up with tears. "Mom, stop."

She looked at me in horror. "Alex, what's wrong?!"

I shook my head, the tears falling down my face. "It's all my fault. It's my fault that he's dead."

My mom looked at me as if she was worried for my sanity. "Honey, what are you talking about?"

"I killed him," I sobbed, hysterical by then. "Kevin. He's dead, and it's all my fault. And Zack could have died too. Oh, God, what did I do? How did I forget about all of this? I should be the one who's dead. I should be locked away forever. I didn't mean it to happen, Mom, I really didn't. I didn't know, no one knew," I cried.

My mom's face was completely white. "You remember."

I nodded, struggling for breath. "It's my fault. I'm a monster. Mom ... I need to see the Merricks. They deserve to know the truth. Especially .... especially Zack."

I thought for a minute that my mom was going to resist, but she just nodded. I reached out and hugged her tightly, staining her shirt with my tears.

"Promise you will still love me, no matter what?" I said brokenly.

"I'll always love you, Alex. You're my baby."

************************************************************************

Two hours later, I'd be checked out of the hospital and was sitting at home, wrapped in a blanket waiting for the Merricks to show up. My mom had called them, explaining what had happened, and they'd agreed, albeit somewhat cooly, to come over and listen to what I had to say. And they'd agreed to bring Zack.

I heard a car and instantly wanted to jump to my feet, but my mom pushed me back down.

"Remember what the doctor said about taking it easy," she said, and I rolled my eyes. You'd think I'd had a heart attack, not a simple panic attack.

Zack's parents walked in after a brisk knock, and Zack trailed in after them. I looked at him, but he didn't look at me. My heart sank. If he hated me now, what was it going to be after I'd told my story?

My parents offered the Merricks a drink and they declined politely, stating that they'd rather just hear what I had to say.

I cleared my throat, taking a deep breath for courage, and stepped back into the past.

"This is what happened that night, prior to .... the accident."



"Alex! I've missed you, come in!" Kevin bounded to his feet and wrapped his arms around me, kissing me softly. "I didn't know you were coming over or I would have cleaned up, give me a sec."

He hastily shoved some stuff into a drawer so we had place to sit down. He'd left a paper on the bed, and I moved to read it, but he plucked it out of my hand and shoved it away with the rest of the stuff. He smiled at me, uneasily, I swear.

"Sorry. Personal stuff, I don't really want anyone to see it." He smiled his beautiful smile, the smile that I'd fallen in love with all those months ago. Except it wasn't quite the same smile. it was different. It'd been different for a while.

My golden boy was changing and I didn't like it at all. We barely spent any time together because he was holed up in his room, doing whatever it was that 'brilliant' boys like him did on their spare time.

Truth was, I'd starting spending more time with Zack again, confiding in him on how I thought that his brother was pushing me aside. Zack laughed it off, saying that his brother had always been like this. Truth was, Zack said, Kevin had never even been able to commit to anything before commiting to me, so I should be flattered and not worry if he was a little moody, because it was in his nature.

But I was beginning to wonder if there wasn't more to it. If it wasn't Zack and I that were the problem.

We'd been getting too close lately, and I'd recently figured out by accident that Zack had feelings for me. It'd scared me, but not nearly as much as my reaction to it had. I'd actually been able to see myself with Zack, which terrified me. I tried to tell myself it was because I was looking for a way to replace the attention that I wasn't getting from Kevin. But deep down ... I knew it wasn't that.

I had decided to tell Kevin. It was only fair. He had a right to know that my feelings were changing.

"So what's new? You are here to see me and not my no-good brother, right?" he laughed, his dimples showing, his deep golden hair glinting in the light. Where I once would have gotten butterflies or a tightening in my lower regions, there was nothing.

"Yeah, I'm here to see you ..." I said, trailing off. I couldn't do it. I couldn't break his heart.

"Good. You're spending too much time with Zack. He thinks you're cute, you know. I hope you don't feel the same."

This was it. My opening. I took a deep breath.

"Actually .... Kevin, we really need to talk."

Kevin's dark blue eyes hardened and glinted black. His fists balled and I felt a frisson of fear.

"What? Are you in love with my brother, after all? Do you want to leave me and try him for a while, and then come crawling back when you realize he's no good? Or do bad boys turn you on?" This person speaking to me with those cold, hard words wasn't Kevin. It was a stranger.

I shook my head. "No. I just think we need to talk because things are changing between us. You're changing and this really just isn't working anymore. We're not the same people we were. There's no one else, I swear." I spoke as fast as I could, avoiding looking into his eyes not so much because I knew that I was lying, but because I was scared to see what horrible expressions were shining in the deceivingly beautiful eyes.

He advanced on me, his body shaking. "I'm changing? Am I not good enough for you anymore? Is that it?"

I shook my head as fast as I could, and tried to back away. But he'd cornered me, and he knew it. "No, Kevin. I was wrong. It's me. I'm the one who's not good enough for you."

He was scaring me. Never in a thousand years had I imagined that he'd react like this. He was so sweet, so down to earth. I'd thought that there could be tears, confusion, but not this. This ... violence.

He smiled, a sickly sweet smile. "Oh but you're wrong, Alex. You're exactly what I need. I love you, you see? And you have to love me. Come here, I want to show you something."

He held out a hand, and I hesitated, quaking in my shoes.

"Come on, Alex. I'd never hurt you. I just want to show you something."

So I took his hand, and it was warm and soft and it was like the thousands of other times that I'd held his hand as we walked somewhere. Except it wasn't.

He led me to the far corner of his attic room and sat down, unlocking a large chest sitting in the corner. I'd never noticed the chest before, but I'd never really had a reason to explore his room or question what was in it.

He opened the lid, and I gasped at what was inside. Dozens of pill bottles, bags of weed, and vials of ... I didn't even know what.

"You have to love me, Alex, because if you don't, I'll take all of these and it will be all your fault." He smiled at me again, the smile of someone who was very, very sick. How had I never realized this before?

"And you see this?" He pointed to the vials. "All I have to do is mix the two of these, and people will die. It's deadly, you see? I created it. I created death."

"Kevin ... who are you?" I whispered in horror. "What happened to you?"

He didn't answer, he just sat on the floor and smiled at his stash. I was terrified to stay, but even more terrified to leave.

He turned to me. "You're not going to tell anyone, right, Alex? Because we love each other, and when people love each other, they don't tell each other's secrets."

I nodded. "Of course I won't tell. I love you, Kevin." I forced the words past my lips. "I love you a lot and I'm never going to stop. Now, I need to go home and do my homework or my mom won't let me come back this weekend."

He nodded, still admiring the items in his chest. I pressed a kiss to his cheek and ran down the stairs, resisting the urge to throw up. How had this happened? I knew things were changing, but never in a thousand years had I imagined that it was this bad.

I didn't know what to do. My head was still spinning, ricocheting with thoughts. I didn't even see Zack in the garage until he spoke, causing me to jump.

"Hey, Alex. Woah, sorry, I didn't mean to scare you. Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," I panted. "Why?"

"You just seemed kind of sad ... is everything okay with you and Kevin?" He seemed almost hopeful. I knew it wasn't because he didn't love his brother, but because he loved me.

"Everything's great. Never been better," I replied. And his face fell. "Why?"

He shook his head. "I just thought ... never mind."

I knew it was stupid, but I just wanted to hear him say it. Just once. "Thought what?"

He looked at his feet. "I thought .... oh hell, Alex. I like you, damn it, and I thought that these last few weeks that maybe, things were changing and you were starting to like me too."

I feigned surprise. "Oh my god, Zack. I never meant to give you that impression. I love Kevin."

He just stared at me, heartbreak in his eyes. "Can't you try loving me instead?"

Yes, my mind cried, yes. But that's not what I said. "Zack, no. I can't do that to your brother. could you?"

He didn't even think about it. "Honestly? Yes! He doesn't deserve you. He spends all of his time up in his room, doing god knows what. He doesn't love you the way I want to love you. Maybe he did, at first. He used to be so good but he's changed and I'm worried about him. And you. I'd die if he hurt you, Alex. I've liked you for so long that I couldn't live with myself if anything happened to you. Maybe I should have said something. Kevin would never have made a move on you if I'd had the guts to call dibs. Maybe it's all my fault. But Alex, please. I need you. Give me this one chance."

I wanted to say yes, more than I'd ever wanted to say yes to anything in my life. But all I kept seeing was Kevin's face, and all those pills. 'You have to love me, Alex, because if you don't, I'll take all of these and it will be all your fault'. Tears welled up in my eyes.

"I won't do it." I was very positive about my answer.

"But I love you! I love you!" pleaded Zack, hot tears rolling down his pretty, perfect face. "I want to spend the rest of my life with you!"

My tone gentled, despite the hurt I was feeling. I kept a brave face. "I already found the person I want to spend forever with. But you can always be my friend. You're always going to be my friend."

White hot rage washed over Zack. I'd never seen him so angry. "Thats not good enough! It's not fair! He always had everything. But this time .. this time he won't! When I'm done, you won't even want him. No one will."

I felt a wave of fear for the second time that night. I was about to leave when all of a sudden the door opened and there he was. My 'golden' boy.

I was about to rush towards him when all of a sudden there was an awful noise, followed by deafening screams ... and blackness.



I was openly sobbing by the time I finished my story, and there was no other sound in the house. No one moved at all.

And then, slowly, Zack got up, moving towards me.

He wrapped his arms around me, and I sank into his chest, sobbing like a baby as he held me.

"Shhh," he said. "It's okay. It's not your fault, Alex. It's not your fault." And then he was crying too, the both of us holding each other, battered and beaten by our past.