The Remains Of My Wasted Youth.

“What were you thinking?” I screeched, watching Jack flinch as I took a step towards him. It was now just after 4 o’clock and we were waiting in the music room as we always did when school was in session, waiting to start practicing our various instruments. We didn’t really have a band anymore since our singer left, but we still loved to practice. It was harder in the summer so we made the most of it during the school year.

And now Jack had just told me that he had invited Alex to come to our practice.

“Why would you do that? You know how I feel about the kid! You know what he did to my family! You know that –“

I was cut off by Rian, the sensible one. “Actually, Zack, we don’t. We know what your PARENTS think. Not what you think.”

I was spurned into silence. He had a point. He had a damn good point. I’d never been able to hate Alex the way my family did, never.

“But still – why would you even think he’d be interested in coming to watch us play music? He doesn’t know who we are, remember?”

Jack smiled at me then. “He’s not just coming to watch us. He’s going to play us a song. He can really write lyrics, you know. He showed me a song he was working on in music. He’s got real talent.”

“I don’t care if he’s a monkey who can tap dance, I don’t want him near me.” I whined, knowing I sounded pathetically childish. “I won’t listen to him.”

It was kind of a given that Alex would walk up then, holding a guitar case and smiling shyly. “Hey, guys. Hey, Jack.”

So he already considered Jack a friend, did he, the way he greeted Jack separately? I should have left Jack sititng in the corner in the first class of sophomore year, instead of befriending him. He was going to cost me my sanity.

I hadn’t returned the greeting, and Alex had noticed, because his soft eyes were focused on me as he asked his next question.

“Er … do I still play something, or would you just rather I go?” The shyness in his voice bothered me. He was nothing like the confident kid I used to know.

Rian shrugged, looking at me, and Jack answered. “Yeah, Zack, does he stay or does he go?”

They were making me look like an asshole. Fuckers.

“Its up to you, Alex. Do you still want to play something for us?” I was hoping he’d say no. Please say no. Please say –

“Yeah, I think I would.”

Fuck. He had said yes. What he did next surprised me quite a bit. He walked over to the piano that sat in the corner and opened the cover. I wouldn’t have figured that he would be playing something on the piano. His words surprised me, too.

“I’m going to play a song I wrote. It’s called Therapy.”

My ship went down
In a sea of sound
When I woke up alone
I had everything.

His voice was soft and sweet as he started the song, and if he was nervous, it didn’t show. I sunk down on the stool beside me, interested in hearing him despite my best intentions.

A hand full of moments
I wished I could change
and a tounge like a nightmare
That cut like a blade
In a city of fools
I was careful and cool
but they tore me apart like a hurricane
A hand full of moments
I wished I could change
but I was carried away

His hands darted across the keys without any hint of trouble and his voice got better and better as he sang. But there was also an air of sadness in both his words and voice, and I could feel my insides tightening in reaction to the song. The next words cut me deeply.

Give me therapy
I'm a walking travesty
But I'm smiling on everything
Therapy you were never a friend to me
and you can keep all your misery

Suppressed memories suddenly blurred into focus and my heart hurt. I was completely focused on Alex and his lethal lyrics now.

My lungs gave out
as I faced the crowd
I think that keeping this up can be dangerous
I'm flesh and bone
I'm a rolling stone
And the experts say I'm delirious

My head started pounding and I knew that Rian and Jack saw the pain that was flooding my eyes. They made a stopping motion and pointed towards Alex, but I needed to hear the rest of the song. I signaled back that I was fine, and leaned forward, absorbing every word.

Give me therapy
I'm a walking travesty
But I'm smiling on everything
Therapy you were never a friend to me
and you can take back your misery

Arrogant boy
love yourself so no one has to
They're better off without you
(They're better off without you)
Arrogant boy
Cause a scene like your supposed to
They'll fall asleep without you
You're lucky if your memory remains

Give me therapy
I'm a walking travesty
But I'm smiling at everything
Therapy you were never a friend to me
You can take back your misery
Therapy
I'm a walking travesty
But I'm smiling at everything
Therapy you were never a friend to me
and you can choke on your misery

When Alex’s voice stopped, the flood of emotion unfortunately didn’t. I had my head in my hands and thus missed the tears that were on Alex’s face. I didn’t get to see the look of fresh loss in his eyes, or witness the shaking of his hands. Rian and Jack didn’t get to see the terror in my eyes or the lump in my throat.

But I did hear his rushed apology and the clatter of his feet as he ran out of the room, and Rian and Jack did see the whiteness of my face and my clenched fists.

“Are you okay, Zack?” Rian asked, while Jack rushed to apologize. “I’m sorry, I didn’t know he was going to play anything like that, his song in music wasn’t that one. I’m sorry.”

I shook my head to clear the rest of the images from my head and looked up at them. “Holy shit, he can sing.”

My reaction surprised them into laughter, but the mood sobered pretty fast. “I get the feeling he can more than sing. The song is anything but easy, emotional wise or skill wise. But he’s obviously experienced something that caused him a lot of pain. To write something like that …You should have seen his face, Zack.” Rian’s voice was soft and sympathetic.

I didn’t need to see his face. I could clearly remember the look on his face a night not quite two years ago. It would have been about the same. It would have been heartbreaking.

“Zack?” Jack said my name hesitantly. I looked at him, waiting. His eyes couldn’t meet mine, which was a sure sign he was nervous.

“Um … I know you don’t like to talk about this, and I won’t ask anything else, but, um … did Alex really have anything to do with your brother’s death?”

I held my breath. I wanted to say yes. I wanted to give them a reason to cut him out of our life. It would be so much easier. I would be able to breathe again, live again, love again ... or would I?

I sighed as I answered them. I also got to my feet.

“No, he didn’t.”

This was why I guess I owed it to him to go and apologize for my crappy behaviour. Alex didn’t need any more enemies. He may not know it, but he has enough already.