I Don't Think I'd Be Standing Here If I Never Found You
Quarter Life Crisis
As the day went on, something was just… off with Kirstie. I could just tell. She was happy, but… there was something behind her smile that told me otherwise. Addy and her played for most of the day while Tanner went off to do his racecar thing. Who’s jealous? This chick.
Kirstie must have wore Addy out though. She laid down for a nap a little after lunch. This girl never naps. I actually didn’t know what to do as she lay on the couch. But then I laid eyes on Kirstie. I think I know just what to do.
I asked her to come out to the backyard with me to let Addy sleep. We pulled up chairs on the patio and sat for a few seconds, looking out over the horizon. I love Tanner’s house.
“Is… everything ok with you?” I asked softly after a silent minute or two.
“Yeah,” she quickly replied, snapping her gaze over to me.
“You just seem… different,” I pressed on.
“Different how?” she continued.
“I don’t know. It’s just like… you’re smiling, but… you’re not happy,” I told her, trying to find the right words.
“I’m fine,” she huffed.
“You’re going to give Addy a sister pep talk and not expect me to know when something’s up with my own younger sister?” I teased, sending her a knowing smile.
She looked at me for a few seconds as if debating on what exactly to tell me. I swear if Harry did something to hurt her again!
“I’m just…” she started to say, but stopped herself.
“Just what?” I asked, hoping to get her going again.
“I feel like… I’m such an outcast,” she sighed, dropping her eyes to the ground.
“What are you talking about?” I questioned, confused.
“Mom and dad are huge in the rally scene. They’ve always been since before they were married and then afterwards. Then they had you and you followed in their footsteps and became this amazing racecar driver. You met a nice guy that’s just as good as you in the same occupation. And now you’ll probably get married and have a happy little race family…” she said, seeming to have been holding that in for awhile.
“Kirstie, what are you getting at?” I cut her off.
“I don’t follow any of that. I’m just… me,” she replied with this sadness filling her eyes.
“There’s nothing wrong with that though,” I told her.
“But I’m still that one Callahan kid that doesn’t race. Or Kylee’s younger sister that no one knows what she does. I don’t want that,” she muttered.
“You have your music though. That’s amazing and something I could never do,” I tried to soothe her.
“Yeah… I mix music. I’m the person that no one cares about behind the scenes,” she huffed.
“That’s not true…”
“Yes, it is. I just… don’t know what I want to do with my life anymore,” she sighed while running her fingers through her hair.
“Well, we know you like music. There’s a start,” I tried to encourage her.
“Yeah,” she huffed.
“Kirstie, you’re really starting to scare me with this little mood you’re in right now. I’ve never seen you like this before,” I almost snapped.
“I think I’m going through a quarter of a life crisis,” she said, making me laugh, but I quickly stopped… she wasn’t laughing. “You’ve achieved so much in your life already… and then there’s me… your sister… I’ve worked with one band,” she went on.
“You need to stop comparing yourself to me. We may be sisters, but we’re two totally different people. And just because racing isn’t your thing, doesn’t mean you need to beat yourself up over it. Be you, Kirstie…” I paused to think of what I would say next.
Something came over me though. When we were little Kirstie and I loved Dr. Seuss. We used to live by one of his quotes… and I think Kirstie may have forgotten…
“Today you are you, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is youer than you,” I told her, trying to control the smile that was threatening to appear on my face.
She looked up at me slowly, trying to fight off her own smile.
“I still don’t know what to do with my life,” she sighed.
“Just do what you want to do. It doesn’t matter what it is as long as you want to do. Forget about everyone else and what they might say. They don’t matter,” I went on.
Her smile came through this time without her attempting to fight it. I got up and went over to pull her in for a hug.
“Thanks, Ky,” she spoke softly.
“You’re welcome. I don’t care what you turn out to be. You’re still my little sister and I love you,” I teased, holding tighter.
“Can’t breathe,” she heaved, but there was a giggle there.
She seemed to be a little better now. I hope she can find something that she wants to do. Whether it be her music or… something in fashion, I just want her to do something that makes her happy. But no matter what, I’ll support her. I’m her big sister… it’s what I do no matter what she chooses to do with her life.
Kirstie must have wore Addy out though. She laid down for a nap a little after lunch. This girl never naps. I actually didn’t know what to do as she lay on the couch. But then I laid eyes on Kirstie. I think I know just what to do.
I asked her to come out to the backyard with me to let Addy sleep. We pulled up chairs on the patio and sat for a few seconds, looking out over the horizon. I love Tanner’s house.
“Is… everything ok with you?” I asked softly after a silent minute or two.
“Yeah,” she quickly replied, snapping her gaze over to me.
“You just seem… different,” I pressed on.
“Different how?” she continued.
“I don’t know. It’s just like… you’re smiling, but… you’re not happy,” I told her, trying to find the right words.
“I’m fine,” she huffed.
“You’re going to give Addy a sister pep talk and not expect me to know when something’s up with my own younger sister?” I teased, sending her a knowing smile.
She looked at me for a few seconds as if debating on what exactly to tell me. I swear if Harry did something to hurt her again!
“I’m just…” she started to say, but stopped herself.
“Just what?” I asked, hoping to get her going again.
“I feel like… I’m such an outcast,” she sighed, dropping her eyes to the ground.
“What are you talking about?” I questioned, confused.
“Mom and dad are huge in the rally scene. They’ve always been since before they were married and then afterwards. Then they had you and you followed in their footsteps and became this amazing racecar driver. You met a nice guy that’s just as good as you in the same occupation. And now you’ll probably get married and have a happy little race family…” she said, seeming to have been holding that in for awhile.
“Kirstie, what are you getting at?” I cut her off.
“I don’t follow any of that. I’m just… me,” she replied with this sadness filling her eyes.
“There’s nothing wrong with that though,” I told her.
“But I’m still that one Callahan kid that doesn’t race. Or Kylee’s younger sister that no one knows what she does. I don’t want that,” she muttered.
“You have your music though. That’s amazing and something I could never do,” I tried to soothe her.
“Yeah… I mix music. I’m the person that no one cares about behind the scenes,” she huffed.
“That’s not true…”
“Yes, it is. I just… don’t know what I want to do with my life anymore,” she sighed while running her fingers through her hair.
“Well, we know you like music. There’s a start,” I tried to encourage her.
“Yeah,” she huffed.
“Kirstie, you’re really starting to scare me with this little mood you’re in right now. I’ve never seen you like this before,” I almost snapped.
“I think I’m going through a quarter of a life crisis,” she said, making me laugh, but I quickly stopped… she wasn’t laughing. “You’ve achieved so much in your life already… and then there’s me… your sister… I’ve worked with one band,” she went on.
“You need to stop comparing yourself to me. We may be sisters, but we’re two totally different people. And just because racing isn’t your thing, doesn’t mean you need to beat yourself up over it. Be you, Kirstie…” I paused to think of what I would say next.
Something came over me though. When we were little Kirstie and I loved Dr. Seuss. We used to live by one of his quotes… and I think Kirstie may have forgotten…
“Today you are you, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is youer than you,” I told her, trying to control the smile that was threatening to appear on my face.
She looked up at me slowly, trying to fight off her own smile.
“I still don’t know what to do with my life,” she sighed.
“Just do what you want to do. It doesn’t matter what it is as long as you want to do. Forget about everyone else and what they might say. They don’t matter,” I went on.
Her smile came through this time without her attempting to fight it. I got up and went over to pull her in for a hug.
“Thanks, Ky,” she spoke softly.
“You’re welcome. I don’t care what you turn out to be. You’re still my little sister and I love you,” I teased, holding tighter.
“Can’t breathe,” she heaved, but there was a giggle there.
She seemed to be a little better now. I hope she can find something that she wants to do. Whether it be her music or… something in fashion, I just want her to do something that makes her happy. But no matter what, I’ll support her. I’m her big sister… it’s what I do no matter what she chooses to do with her life.
