Forelsket.

I think, for a long time, I used to hate myself – blame myself – for Grandpa’s actions. After that, I just felt indifferent, confused. I could not understand the situation to the point of who was to blame, what I should be mad at. It was almost surreal – a nightmare, and then I’d wake up from it. But I’d have the nightmare every night. I guessed that, it was, in reality, Grandpa who has poisoned our bond – even so, something in my brain didn’t or couldn’t comprehend it. Not even a little. Because of that, I ultimately decided to leave it be. I would take it as it came, and hoped that one day, somehow, it’d just be over.

The day hadn’t come yet, but I fought to remain optimistic. It’s not so hard to do on days like these, when the sun is warming your skin, when nature makes music. Today, I felt okay. Un-bothered, and confident that everything will be over, and everyone will understand. Arizona, for the most part, is always beautiful – but there are still some specific days that seem to enchant me, encourage me.

Today, I rose with the sun, content as can be. A small smile stayed snugly on my face as I lay in the chair played in my backyard, hair in a bun at the very center of my head. Pajamas still on, hooded pull over. I had began to sweat, but it felt wonderful. In front of me, the pool fought to soak up warmth from the sun – I’m sure only the surface was getting warm.
Behind me, the screen door opened, and I didn’t move even an inch. I was, ultimately, too comfortable in my state. I did not want to disturb it, because somewhere in the back of my mind I knew that, it would be disturbed anyways. By Grandpa or by -

“Can you last a single second without that stupid sweater?” Lindsay. I loved her to death – would risk my life for her, I promised. But, she had that grudge against me – the same one she’s had since we were younger. I’ve started to notice that, whenever I’m comfortable, she’s going to come along and try to ruin it for me. And I’m certain that, if she knew all of my secrets, she would lay off. I know that somewhere inside of her, she cared for me as much as I cared for her. And I know that she would never wish anything bad upon me – and mean it for real.

It’s these truths that have me throw a simple smile her way and I said, “I’m not sure. I’ve never tried it.” I squinted at her, and she rolled her eyes. She’s got her bikini on, a towel in hand. However, I’m sure she’s not about to swim. She’s simply going to float around.

“Whatever,” she mumbled, throwing her towel and cellphone (because she does not go a single place without it) onto the chair next to me and proceeding to the pool. I watched as the water took shape of her body – the shallow end only reached her mid-hip. In the next instant, she was launching herself onto the floaty.

I began to think then, if I would really ever be happy – I admit that, sometimes, I feel okay. But in the back of my head, I know it’s simply me, wishing I really was. I decided then, that I should just close my eyes and try to rest, let the sun warm me up, even if I know that it was going to be gone – chased away by the moon.

I squeezed my eyes shut tighter, fighting off the negative thoughts that became to tsunami over my – previously – positive ones. I opened my eyes in frustration, stared at Lindsay in jealousy before pulling up the sleeves of my sweater and making my way inside the house. I’m about half-way up the stairs when the door bell shrieks throughout the house. Grandfather is laying on the couch – and I’m certain he even coughs in his sleep now.

I stepped down from the stair I was on, and make my way over to the door – pulled it open. Jared was standing in front of me then, smiling like he does. In that Jared way that makes it hard to keep anyone who sees it from smiling. I’ve literally witnessed people unable to suppress a smile from Jared. Though, my lips don’t spread as wide as his do, but they manage a small smile – as I always do.

“Jared.” I said his name as a breath tumbled from my lips. He chuckled and walked into the house.

“Don’t sound too excited, Liese.” After I closed the door, I turned to look at him.

Ignoring his comment, I cocked my head to the side. “What do you want?” My voice sounded more bland than I wanted it too. More ‘you’re bothering me’ than I meant it. His hands flew up in defense.

“Just though you’d like to hang out. Around here.” He added the last part as he saw my mouth open to refuse the offer.

“Guess I could do that.” Jared laughed, rolled his eyes.

“Sorry to be such a bother, Annaliese,” he snipped. I knew he was being sarcastic, but as he followed me up to my room, I wondered if he sometimes felt that way for real. Jared, in all honesty, didn’t bother me at all. I’m certain that his presence was keeping me from completely falling apart, and I owed him everything I had for that. I loved Jared, and I hoped that he never doubted that. Just like I hope Lindsay never doubted it.

Jared and I sat on my bed and he turned on the television, flipping the channels without even giving it a chance.

“Or, you can go to the guide?” Jared scoffed at my suggestion.

“Guides are for lost people – I know just what I’m looking for.” In a few more channels, he settles on the Doctor Who marathon. I shook my head, a familiar small smile falling onto my lips.

“Peanut, you awake?” My bedroom door creaked open, revealing my grandfather. I hadn’t slept properly in three days – not since it started.

“Mhm,” I hummed.

“How ‘bout we go’n watch t.v?” I heard the floor creak, I felt the side of my bed sink down. My grandfathers hand reached over my waist so he could support himself on the bed. I shut my eyes tight.

“O-Okay,”

I felt him grin and he said, “Don’worry. I won’tell if you don’.” I didn’t want to fight with him – the only thought was that it would make it worse. So I got up, and I followed him down the stairs. We weren’t even thirty minutes into a Friends marathon when he turned to me. His large, weathered hand fell atop my head.

“Ye know how much I love ya?” he said, “you’re my favorite.” He pulled me in closer to him, kissed the top of my head. His hand had fallen to my shoulder, gotten lower by the time the credits for an episode were rolling.

“Ye’know, Peanut. Grandpas gettin’ ol’.” He told me, “I’m gon’need you ta do me a favor.” Pajama pants pulled down, he looked at me with evil eyes.

I gulped, looking up at Jared to see if he had been noticing me not paying attention. Though, he seemed far too consumed with the television show to notice anything besides it. He seemed perfectly content, and I wished I could have stayed that way too.

Suddenly, his phone rings, and he nearly jumps out of his skin. I chuckled about it, and he shot me a quick glare before answering it.

“Whats up?” He got up and walked out of my room, I’m left simply staring at the door, waiting for his return. He walked back in, with a small grin on his face.

I narrowed my eyes at him. “What?” He shrugged.

“Pat told me to tell you to stop sitting around at home.”

“So?”

“So, we’re going to meet Pat for lunch.”

“Ha.” I snorted, “No, thanks.”

“You know,” Jared squinted his eyes at me thoughtfully. “You’ve been like this for a long time, Liese. I don’t know what’s wrong - ”

“Nothings wrong, Jare.” I could only whisper it – couldn’t even make eye contact with him.

“I know something is, though. And I think it’s about time you tell someone.” He reached for my hand, but I yanked it away, I tried my best not to get angry, but my eyes watered from it.

“There's nothing wrong.” I kept my voice controlled, “So please, don’t start Jared. I’ve already got my mother bugging me about it.”

He sighed, “You know, you’re really difficult.” I just shrugged at him, a guilt settling in when I looked at him.

“Where are we going for lunch, then?” I said it quickly and quietly, but he heard. He looked up, smiled and shrugged again.

“Don’t know. Pat suggested the food court? There's something for everyone.” I nodded, and stood up. I supposed that, I didn’t mind Pat – but I still didn’t know him well enough to feel completely at ease. And I wished, for the billionth time, that I could be like Lindsay, that I could be like anyone else except for myself. Because it puzzles me, really, how I’d love to have friends but I haven’t a clue how to begin.