Forelsket.

Most of the time, I feel stuck between silence and speaking up, and I figure that silence is my best bet. I cannot honestly say it’s done wonders for me, and perhaps it had even worsened things, but, in this situation, I strongly believed that silence was my best option. I was already wondrous at it - mastered it at a young age. And, if I could be silent about something that wracked my very core, I knew I could be just as silent when Jared and I went to meet Pat. Pat himself was already intimidating to me, and upon seeing him, my intestines seemed to knot a little bit – and then a lot as I noticed two other familiar faces with him.

I watched as Pat waved and I quickly turned to Jared, my eyes widened and I – probably – looked frightened. I felt silly about it – I always had. People should not be made to terrify me as much as they do, and if there was one thing I could change about myself, it would be this. The way I shook when I was extremely uncomfortable. The knot in my stomach tightened and multiplied, and as the distance between Jared and I and Pat and the other two closed, I felt my face grow hot, but hoped it didn’t show.

I saw Jared from the corner of my eye, stealing glances at me, as if to say I’m sorry. It wasn’t his fault. And maybe this is what I needed – to be forced into situations and learn how to handle myself in them. Jared's friends, I supposed, were becoming a ‘regular’ thing’. And I wasn’t sure if it was bad or good – my feelings about it (about them) were not yet formed.

When my neck allowed me to do so, I managed to look up. I was much less intimidated by their shoes than their stares. Especially Johns – though he didn’t look frightening, but friendly. Though, isn’t that how it always is in the beginning? Next to him, Garrett’s bright blue eyes wandered around the mall in a bored manner, and Pat looked happy as heaven.

“You came!” He smiled wider, if that was possible. A timid smile spread across my face, and I managed to nod, even. One more glance at John, and my eyes were cast to their shoes again.

“Took a lot of guilt-tripping,” Jared laughed.

“I don’ like the way he looks at ya, Peanut. Don’ like it one bit.”

I bit on my lip, cursed myself for looking like such a fool. Somewhere along the line of their conversation, they had decided that we would all go ahead and pick out our foods. I was barely hungry – too nervous to eat a grain of rice. But, they must have already thought I was a bit loony, so I decided to get in the Subway line-up. All I heard, and all I could think about were – as corny as it sounds – John’s eyes. I saw them in my brain, bright and attention grabbing.

I was certain it was only because Grandpa had mentioned that he looked at me, and I was just conditioning myself into thinking that John might be desirable. It only made me more uncomfortable, with the thought swimming through my head. I thought it was like that time Lindays friend, Myra, told her that Thomas Reid liked her, and Lindsay just started to like him back all of a sudden. I think that, people become like that sometimes – Lindsay, I know, had never mentioned a word about Thomas before. It was as though a seed planted in her brain when Myra informed her of that, and before you knew it, Lindsay just liked him too.

It wasn’t real of course – it was excitement getting the better of her.

And that had to be what was happening to me. I wasn’t used to people looking at me – though, ever since that day, I can admit that, John has crossed my mind more than once. And I couldn’t bare to face him. I was too embarrassed of myself. Of course, it wasn’t just John that made me nervous, it was everyone. But John, he didn’t just make my hands rattle and shake – he made my stomach do the same. I tried, for the life of me, in that Subway line to make myself believe that John was just John and he probably looked at a lot of people. I tried to dig that seed back up and throw it away. It meant nothing.

I was so intent on the circle of the situation that I hadn’t even noticed it was my turn to order, let alone that the green-eyed monster himself was waiting behind me. But he chuckled, and I jumped, turned my head slowly around. I tried to find something there, in Johns manner or his eyes that confirmed something. But he just looked happy and okay, and my stomach began to shake.

“Sorry,” I mumbled, walking up to the counter and placing my order to an annoyed worker. I paid for my sandwich, and quickened my walking pace by miles, so to keep John at a distance. But, my mind kept flashing his brilliant smile, and before I knew it, my name was falling from his lips. And my hands shook and my stomach too.

“Do you run track or something?” I managed – with my heart shaking and all – to steal another glance at him. I bit on my lip as I chuckled nervously. I shook my head.

“No.” Of course I didn’t – and of course I knew that he was making a joke. But I didn’t know what to say, or how to act, and I didn’t feel quite as grounded as I would have liked to. I bet Lindsay would have handled it differently, perhaps she would have flirted and she would’ve had him hooked. I wish I knew how to operate as such, but I had never even kissed a boy, let alone flirt, and I was not about to start now. I think John knew I was uncomfortable, so he hadn’t offered anymore words until we found Jared, arm in the air, waving at us from a table. John and Jared engaged in a conversation as I slowly ate, and sunk into myself. Somewhere between bites, I began to get worried that, it would always just be me, alone. With myself. Because I was the only person that I knew how to handle. I was the only person I felt comfortable around. I wished I didn’t have to feel this way.

A hand flew in front of my face then, and when my eyes became focused on what was actually around me, I saw Pat sitting across from me, smiling that smile.

“I really didn’t think you’d come.” I shrugged at him, though I knew that he wanted a vocal answer. His efforts did not go unnoticed – and I think he was trying to make me feel comfortable. I appreciated it, but I didn’t think, at that time, that I could ever be comfortable. Not as long as I was me, anyways. But I hoped I could.

When I looked at Pat, he frowned slightly, and just like that, he turned his head to talk to Garrett about some video game, and for just a second, I heard Jared and John talking about music. And, I hate to say, that the only thing on my mind was getting home and locking myself in my room.



The entire way home, I felt heavy – for not at least trying to converse with Jared's friends. I was far too nervous, and perhaps more awkward than most people – I didn’t want them to hear my voice tremble. I floated by on lunch with stealing stares toward John, grandpas words running through my head. And, I just kept thinking well, he isn’t looking at me now.

Jared dropped me off at home, and I nearly rolled out of his car while he was still parking. I thanked him, without quite meaning it, but I supposed I was just thanking him from getting me home, away from civilization. I walked quickly to my front door, paid no mine to my mother, who was washing dishes in the kitchen after her long hours of work. Nursing was showing on her face in the form of deep bags under her eyes – she liked to call them ‘louis vuittons’.

As soon as I was inside the safe walls of my room, my door was closed (something that really pissed off my dad), and I felt at ease once again. I hastily climbed into my bed, turned on my television, stopping at a re-run of My So-Called Life.

Sometimes, when I really feel alone, I like to think that, there is someone out there, with the same name, same mannerisms and same life. I think that, it’s probably too much of a coincidence, but it means that I’m not actually alone – someone else out there knows exactly what I feel, and how I do things. I wish that I could be united with that person, and just be comfortable because they would just know. I wouldn’t have to explain a single thing – and that in itself was a relief.

I closed my eyes then – and I try to picture that person, though my mind ends up straying. And I just see John, his face, his shoulder-length hair, and his green-eyes. It shouldn’t be – but it is enough to get my face to heat. So I open my eyes, and try to focus on Jordan Catalano, and Angela Chase and her family. And I fell asleep wishing I was an actress – and my life was a television series. I think that, most of us do sometimes.