Forelsket.

I knew, even as I stood across the room from John, that this was risky. For me, at least. Because, in my head, I logically knew, John was nearly a stranger. He could change just like that, and I couldn’t do anything about it. But, looking at him, I could see the worry in his eyes – it looked real enough, so that’s how I perceived it. In those moments, I wanted to kick myself for not questioning John more – for just letting it be, and not completely fussing over it while I let everything just happen.

The thing is, I could have gone to see Jared, but I hadn’t. I supposed it wasn’t because I didn’t trust Jared, because I did, really. I think it was just because he was family and Jared couldn’t keep this sort of secret to save his life (or mine). And, even if at this moment I wasn’t sure John could keep this secret, either, I had a feeling he would. Because I think he would understand that it was my secret to tell. And I’d have to do it when I was ready.

I took in a deep, shaking breath, and glanced at John to see his furrowed eyebrows. His head was to the side, but he hadn’t questioned me yet. Hadn’t said a word after he greeted me at the front door. Looking at him, I realized that, even though it had only been a few days after I’d last seen him, I was nearly aching to see him again. It was odd to me, but I had learned to – somewhat – accept it (even if it was only a little). I guess, I couldn’t really see enough of him at this stage. I guessed that, I really did like John, or was starting too, and even though that scared me, it excited me at the same time.

I sometimes thought, you know, why him. I’d been thrust into this group of friends with a bunch of other boys, and it had been John to catch my eye?

I supposed it was the way he spoke sometimes, and how he could be serious, but funny and stupid. I did – even though I’d never admit it to anyone but myself – trust John, and I felt guilty for trusting him so quickly. And, even a part of me felt guilty for not telling Jared first – but I truly felt as though it would be easier to tell John. Because, it wasn’t his family.

In any case, I was concentrated on my shaking hands, and how my intestines seemed to knot tightly. I bit on my lip, hard, and looked back at John.

“Liese,” he stood from his bed, took a few steps toward me, “What is it?”

I didn’t even know how to begin – all I could think about was how I was going to introduce the topic, and I could not, for the life of me, think of a proper way to say it. Too much was running through my head, and I couldn’t pin-point any single sentence. It occurred to me then that I might not ever be able to tell anyone. It wasn’t something casual, and I felt as though I was unprepared.

But, was there really a way to plan this? I doubt this is something you would write on speech cards.

I sighed, and shrugged, my eyes wandering to the dream catcher I bought him. I pointed to it and smiled a bit.

“Does it work?” I whispered. He chuckled a bit, looking back at it.

“I’d say it works well enough.” I nodded, and looked down at the floor again.

“You know…” I started, “how I hate being touched?” I imagined him nodding, because I was too chicken to actually look at him. “W-well, there’s a…a reason.” I’d started already, and I wanted to finish it – but could I? That wasn’t exactly the opening that I was hoping. But was there another way? I stopped talking though, and John just stood silently in front of me and after a minute or three, he let out a breath.

“Do you want me to call Jared?” John offered, “You seem…upset.”

I sighed, and shook my head, my eyes burning with frustrated tears. “I-I just don’t know how to say it.”

“It’s okay,” he said, “I’ll just – I’ll call Jared.”

“W-wait,” I shook my head, I was about to say, ‘please. Don’t’, but instead I said, “Okay.”

“Okay,” he said he agreed after a pause. He reached over to grab his cellphone off the small desk he had in his room and dialed Jareds number – when my cell phone began to buzz in my pocket, I realized I could have just called Jared myself. I pressed the end button on my phone, not bothering to check the caller I.D. and ignored John while he spoke to Jared in hushed tones for a moment.

My mind was racing: why did I come here, why did I want to tell him and why didn’t I? I, really, had nothing to loose. But, I guess I didn’t want to put all that weight on John – a stranger, if not an acquaintance. He turned to me, and I felt him looking at me, so I looked at him. He was smiling, but I was kind of crying. And I felt like such a fool.

“Jared’s going to be here soon,” John said. I just nodded and watched as he rubbed the back of his neck with his right hand. “I never know what to do when girls cry.” I think he meant it to make me laugh, but I didn’t really. I bit on my lip, a tear leaving a hot streak down my face. I wiped it quickly with the back of my hand. I couldn’t bring myself to look at him, and I only heard him shifting from one leg to the other. I wanted to know what he was thinking, and I wanted to know if I was really bothering him – but then I just thought that I must be bothering him. I glanced at him again and he was patiently waiting for me to speak. His face kind of fell when he saw me, but he didn’t looking bothered.

“You’re kind of scaring me,” he tried a laugh, but it didn’t sound amused, really.

“I-I’m sorry.” I shook my head at myself.

“Hey,” he said, after a brief silence, “we can watch t.v downstairs while we wait for Jared?” I just nodded and followed behind him, and he introduced me to both of his brothers, officially. Shane gave me a wide smile, and Ross just waved – we all watched t.v, I sat uncomfortably on the single seat and played with my hands.


By the time Jared got to Johns, I thought I would have lost my will to confess my darkest secret. But I realized that, I couldn’t have told John, it wouldn’t have been fair of me. And maybe, one day, John would know – but I had decided then, as the doorbell rang, that Jared should be the rightful listener to this secret. I believed that, it wouldn’t be so awkward. Like how I felt right now.

I jumped to my feet and followed John to the door, he yanked it open as my cell phone rang again, and I quickly dug it out of my pocket, took a deep, shaky breath and pressed ‘talk’.

“H-Hello?”

“Fucking shit, Liese, where the fuck are you?” Came Lindsays hurried, growling voice. “Grandpa’s in the fucking hospital, where did you go? You just fucking left him alone? I can’t fucking believe you!”

“I-I’m sorry.” I felt bile stir in my stomach, rise to my throat but I swallowed it back down. I looked hesitantly to the two boys before me –both staring at me intently. I felt my face heat before I looked back down at my feet.

“I don’t fucking care,” she hissed, “Just get here.” She hung up before I got to say anything else. I looked at Jared and frowned.

“Grandpa’s in the hospital. Can you take me there?”

“Shit,” he muttered, “Does my dad know?”

“I’m not sure,” I shrugged. Jared and I said a quick good bye to John, who said he would tell the rest of the band to have practise some other day. Jared and I got in his car, and drove to the hospital, he listened to a song which was unfamiliar to my ears, and he hummed to it, and my mind was still racing. I was still shaking, even by the time we got to the hospital, I hadn’t managed to settle myself down. Right before we walked through the door, I stopped, and shook my head. This, I thought, needed to come out now, or I don’t think it ever would.

“Wait,” I closed my eyes, “Jared, I need to say something.” He stopped and stood in front of me, crossed his arms.

“Okay. Well, I’m all ears, Liese.”

I stayed silent, though, and tried my best to gather my thoughts or at least organize them. We stood silently for a while before Jared sighed.

He moved a step closer (too close) and said, “if you have something to say, just say it, Liese”

“I-it’s not that simple,” I muttered, “it’s a- secret.”

I looked at him, right in the eye. And he didn’t even blink when he said, “you can trust me.” I felt better about everything then, and I don’t know why.

I knew I could completely trust Jared – he’d been there nearly all of my life. He was my best friend (nearly, my only friend). He was more of a sibling to me than Lindsay was. So, for a moment, I gained my voice and collected my thoughts.

“Grandpa…” I started, “He-He moved in when I was little, remember? and I was his favorite. I-I trusted him, Jared. I-I loved him. And he was always just the best,” I paused, “I don’t know what changed, and it changed fast. He- he started, I don’t know, touching me,” I spat the words, and looked at Jared quickly. His eyebrows were furrowed together.

“You- You mean, like - ” He didn’t want to finish the sentence, and I didn’t want him to, so I nodded.

“He- he um, hasn’t really stopped since then. I-I’m sorry, Jared.” There. Done. Short and sweet. I felt a bit lighter, but I was shaking and nervous.

“Fuck.” He breathed. “I-I…What do- should I tell your dad?”

“No,” I whispered, shaking my head. “I’m not ready for anyone else to know. Thank you. For listening.” I didn’t know what else to say to Jared, and I didn’t think he had anything to say to me. So we stood there, for a long minute and he sighed loudly and shook his head.

“Annaliese,” he breathed, “this – this is serious. You’re not…joking?”

“I know, Jared.” I whispered, playing with my fingers. “and no, I’m not joking.”

“Liese…” He trailed, “Fuck. I can’t – It doesn’t…make sense.“

“It’s okay, really,” I said, “Please, just don’t tell anyone. I’m not ready for them to know.”

He nodded, and pointed toward the doors. “Guess we should go in there?” I nodded, and I had an urge to hug Jared, but I didn’t.

“Thank you.” And he only nodded before we walked in. Seeing my grandfather laying in a hospital bed was odd – I didn’t know how to feel about it. I looked at Jared, who was biting his nails nervously and looking at me. I should have kept my mouth shut. I shut my eyes, and fought back a scream. The truth, it seemed, didn’t matter a single bit, because it was still a secret. Only now, it was Jareds secret too, and I felt so bad for bringing him into this – I should’ve thought about it.

I shook my head at myself and looked down. My mother hadn’t spoken a word to me, and Lindsay only offered a glare. She thought it was my fault. My father was the only one who stood next to me and said, “Don’t worry about it, honey. It was bound to happen sooner or later. Not your fault – your mother and sister are just worried”. I was thankful that my dad seemed on my side, at least.

I ended up going home with Jared, because he offered, and I couldn’t stand to be in the same room as Lindsay anymore.

And I noticed, on the ride back to Jareds house that my mind felt freer.

And I felt like I could finally breathe a bit.

That, in itself, was enough to make me smile.