Forelsket.

It was a few days later I found myself before Kennedy, Pat, Garrett and John. Which, in itself was an awkward moment. I couldn’t be sure if John had mentioned my invasion and how badly I had, as Jared said, ‘freaked him out’. In any case, I was biting on my lip harder than I think I ever had as I stole glances at John to see him rubbing the back of his neck and peering at me awkwardly. To say the least, I was embarrassed. I felt stupid, and wished I had never lost my mind and went to Johns house in the first place.

It wasn’t logical – I barely knew him. Not enough to tell him something so serious anyways. I guess he really just looked like he could keep a secret – he just seemed like that kind of person to me. Perhaps that’s what drew me to him.

I’m sure neither of us knew what to say to the other, so as I walked nearer to them, with Jared close to my side, I muttered a small ‘hi’, and lifted a shaking hand in a short, stiff wave before letting it fall back to my side. Jared, who had been teasing me about John the entire way here, had the biggest smile on his face as he goofily looked between the two of us. Eventually – after neither John nor I spoke a word to each other – Jared got bored, and carried on a conversation with Kennedy about a song that he wanted to change some stuff in.

I spent the most part of the day sitting in a cold basement, listening to them rearrange their songs a little – tweak them, if you will – and getting into small arguments about them. John sat across from me on the floor, legs crossed as best as he could in his jeans, and a guitar sitting on his thigh. I barely realized I had only been seeing him, as corny as it sounds. He was in sharp focus, everything around him was but a blur. He was moving his fingers along the guitar neck, softly bobbing his head as he plucked the strings. And, I supposed he felt my eyes on him, nearly burning through him, because he slowly lifted his head and after looking at his friends, looked toward me.

For a moment or two – he did nothing. I felt myself blush, and though I had an urge to look away, I simply didn’t want to, and for once, I guessed, I decided to do something I really wanted. So, I smiled shyly at him and he gave me one in return, his upper teeth kind of showing – in a goofy way that made me finally hide my face with my hair and chuckle. I wasn’t completely sure if I was supposed to feel this way – nervous. Weird. Shy. Vulnerable. Nothing, really, which comforted me, but only made me more shaky, and – well – stupid.

It was all new to me – not that I had never felt nervous around another person. I always did. Somehow, this was different. It hadn’t made me nervous in a bad way, not really. And at the same time it did all that, it made me feel – almost – a warmth. And I wasn’t sure (could anyone ever be?) but I thought that was a much too strong feeling to have for a person I have only talked to a handful of times.

So, what was it about him, then?

Before I really had time to think about it and develop a list, Jareds big hand was lightly pushing my arm. Startled, I looked up real fast, only to notice that the rest of the guys had gathered near their practise area.

“You okay, Liese?” I smiled, lightly and nodded.

“Just thinking.” Jareds face almost fell – like he thought I was thinking of everything Grandfather had done to me since I was twelve. I knew that, because I knew Jared was always worried about it. Ever since I told him, anyways. So I quirked my head to the side and smiled a bit wider.

“Not about that,” I said, “don’t worry.” He squinted his eyes at me and slowly stood up.

“Try not to drool too much over you-know-who,” He whispered and finished with a wink. My jaw dropped as my face heated.

“Jerk,” I muttered, though he didn’t hear it. I slowly retreated to the couch, and watched as they practiced songs over and over. They had sometimes stopped and started over completely, in the middle of the song. Though, I couldn’t really even hear the ‘mistakes’ they had made.

After a while of hearing the same notes and lyrics over and over, I began to just watch them, without really listening. As though their music was a buzz in the air. I concentrated, instead, on their timid movements – as though they didn’t quite know how to operate behind their instruments. It was kind of cute, how awkward they looked. Endearing, almost. Even if I knew they would, eventually, overcome it. I smiled to myself as a feeling overcame my entire body. It was calming, but I couldn’t quite place it or describe it accurately.

But I knew that, whatever it was, was good. And it was a feeling I wished I woke up with every day. A feeling – I wished – that could stay.



I watched as the five boys bit on their lip or chewed on the skin on their finger. They were ‘nervous as fuck’, as Kennedy had put it. Kai, who was whispering (what I’m sure was reassuring words) to Garrett, had eventually wormed away from him with a small, amused grin on her face. She slowly snaked her way over to me and shook her head.

“I hate to say it,” she whispered, “but it is kind of funny.” I was uncomfortable with her, though I knew she couldn’t be much of a threat. I made a careful move away from her, hoping she hadn’t noticed as I crossed my arms over my chest and nodded.

She was right, though. Seeing them all like this, not saying a word, shaking in their shoes, was kind of funny. Only because, I was used to them just being them, here, it was like they felt small, like their nerves belittled them and I knew that they were terribly worried about blowing this chance. I didn’t think they could – but anything was possible.

The lights dimmed as the announcer came out to introduce them, and each of the boys turned to Kai and I.

“Holy fuck,” Garrett muttered, “holy fuck.” I kind of chuckled along with Kai, in that, finding an odd ‘bonding’ sensation. She shook her head and leaped over to Garrett to hug him.

“You’ll all be wonderful.” She reassured, though each of them didn’t seem to take her words to heart. They stood there, looking as though they had to use the bathroom. I let my eyes fall on John, who was pumping his leg up and down, and then Jared, who was just looking into space. And then, just that quickly, they were being beckoned onto the stage, and they went, timidly, slowly. It made Kai laugh again.

“Look at them,” she smiled, “They’re all so scared stiff. It’s cute.”

In the end, Kai and I were chuckling at the way they didn’t know how to go about being really watched on stage. John closed his eyes, and stayed right behind the microphone – didn’t move an inch, even. Garrett seemed to zone into his bass in attempt to forget everything was there, Pat and all of them, really, but their all into their instrument. And, though they were awkward – they were passionate. And you couldn’t miss that, I don’t think.

As my eyes kept straying back to – none other than – John as he sang, I had to keep wondering to myself if it was normal. Because I just wasn’t used to being so drawn to a single person, and I really could not fathom why I couldn’t take my lurking eyes off of him. I knew nothing about this type of feeling – and who was I to ask about it? Lindsay? No. Jared? (so he could make fun of me?). So, I kept the odd feeling to myself, but never missed how, when I tried to look at anything else, my eyes always seemed to make a beeline over to John.

I couldn’t help it. Or, maybe, I didn’t want to help it.

Chords to the second last song drew out and faded, and John finally opened his eyes, took a quick glance to Kai and I and made a face in which he bared his teeth in an ‘I’m still nervous’ way. I felt something crawling on the inside of my chest, smiled lightly and looked down at my shoes. I knew Kai was watching me – because I could feel it. I hoped she didn’t say anything, or mention how stupid I get because of John. Because I already knew – I didn’t need people pointing it out to me. Besides, didn’t Jared tease me enough?

As they introduced their last song, I managed to look up again. Something told me to, and wouldn’t allow me not to. Even though my face was reddened, and I knew Kai would see it, I still looked, and watched as they did their last song just as awkwardly as the ones before. Though, I could nearly feel Kai’s smirk, and saw from my peripheral vision as she turned her head back to the stage.

“John, huh?” She said it low, but not enough so I didn’t hear. I wanted to tell her she’s about the second person who said that to me – and wanted to ask if there would be more. I didn’t know what to say in response, and taking a quick glance at her, I grew a couple and slowly nodded my head.

Lower than she addressed me, I said, “I guess.”

It was only a few minutes before they all ran off the stage, tails between their legs, even though there were some cheers. I smiled as Jared wrapped his arms around me, even though he was dripping in sweat.

“How’d we do?”

They were awkward. Johns voice cracked a bit. They didn’t move an inch.

But,

“Good.” I squeezed my arms around his waist to emphasize the word. When we both stepped out of the hug, we noticed almost complete silence as the rest of the band and Kai just stared. I supposed they’d all remembered my phobia.

“No fair!” Pat pouted, “I wanted to shake your hand, and you said no. Jared gets a full on hug?” I shrugged and looked down, feeling somewhat guilty. Not knowing what to say, I kept my mouth shut and let Jared speak to me. I wished, as he spoke, that I wasn’t so introverted.

“As of right now,” he announced comically, “I am the only one allowed to hug – or shake hands- with Annaliese.” He had puffed out his chest in a silly manner, and had instantly shifted the moment and conversation. He nudged me, so I looked at him and kind of smiled. In the background, Garrett was saying ‘lets do it again!’, to which Kai responded, ‘easy, Gare. We don’t have another pair of pants for you to change into’.

Somehow, the talk changed from that, to beer, and after that part of the night was over, they were so pumped up, you would have though they had done some drugs. They had, indeed, won the contest, and John had finally loosened the tie he was wearing around his neck. And they all seemed a bit more calm.
But not really. But for them, it was time to party and I’m sure even if they hadn’t won, it would still be time to party.

I figure people drink to celebrate or drink to forget.

And it was all fine and good – I hadn’t drank, but I watched people do it. I watched them act stupid, and felt a little (a lot?) intimidated by their drunken state. I stood farther away from the groups of people – we were at a house I’d never been to before, in a backyard I’d never seen. I was shaking, with nerves.

And they were laughing, until they weren’t. There was a crash, and I recognized the sound of Johns voice slurring (heavily) ‘oh. Shit’. And the laughter just stopped. That night, John had – in his drunken state – knocked out four teeth. That night, I was terrified, I remembered because he had gotten hurt.

That night – and I didn’t know it then – changed things.

Because after that night, things started to pick up. After that night, I could only float higher.

After that night, I stopped sinking.