Forelsket.

“Peanut?” His old, rough voice called out to me. It spun itself around my room before it fell through my ear and planted into my brain. I felt the weight on me bed when he sat down, the way the covers were slowly slid down my body. I squeezed my eyes shut tight as his hand made it’s way to my thigh. He rubbed the skin there, hand going in slow up and down movements.

“I need you.”

Hands roaming, landing on the front of the fabric of my bed shorts. Tweety Bird pajama shorts. He rubbed softly. I’d told him to stop – I had. I didn’t like the strangeness of the feeling. But my grandfather loved me, and he wasn’t trying to hurt me, he wouldn’t hurt me. He didn’t know I didn’t like it. He didn’t know. He didn’t know. He didn’t know.

The last notes of the song they had played rang through my head. And, while I didn’t know the lyrics, I found a soft hum to match the tune. Jared seemed happy. Probably because, I hadn’t ran and I hadn’t asked him to leave. That’s not to say that my shaking hands had stopped. I felt my fingers twitch occasionally, but even that was a step closer to calm than I had been a while ago. The strangers that filled the room still left me uneasy and full of doubt.

And, now that they had finished practicing, I don’t know how I’d react if they decided to pay attention to me. But, they’d stood in a circle, chatting among themselves as Jared made his way over to me, sitting beside me on the soft couch.

“Not so bad, huh?” He asked with a light laugh. It, really, was kind of bad. I’d made a fool of myself by not being able to mask my nervousness. But, I nodded anyways. “They’re shy at first. I guess I figured it’d be a good thing. For you. They won’t talk much until they know you long enough.” I nodded again, thankful that he’d at least considered the situation, which meant he considered how I’d feel. And, to be honest, it hadn’t been as bad as I anticipated. At least they weren’t prying or trying to talk to me as though we’ve been life-long friends.

“Hey.” Bright blue eyes. Garrett. “You guys want something to drink?” I slowly nodded.

“Water? Please.” I was even surprised I talked, surprised that my voice actually contained some kind of volume that was recognizable enough.

“Coke.” Jared. Garrett nodded.

“I’ll be right back,” He smiled, “Set up the game, then, Pat. I’m ready to kick ass.” And with that, he’d headed to a different part of the basement, and I heard – what sounded like – a pop of the fridge opening. I shifted in my seat when I saw the three strangers making their way over to the t.v, which was located passed where I was sitting. None of them had mentioned anything as they walked passed me, but I had looked at them all, and they’d offered me small smiles, at least. I smiled back, lightly and – what I hoped was – friendly. Jared then told me to come with him, so I followed them, where Jared took half of the black couch while Garrett jumped over the back and landed on the other half of the cushion, handing Jared a coke and throwing a water to me (after he called my name).

I was left there, standing awkwardly before I felt a pair of eyes on me. I looked down, and saw a pair of friendly, shinning green eyes staring back at me. The comfort I found in them had scared me.

“Sit,” he said, with a smile. His large hand patted the spot on the carpet beside him. I smiled, studying him a bit before taking a seat a good foot away from him.

“Thank you.” I don’t know why I’d said it, it wasn’t as though it was his carpet. But, he nodded anyways and we turned to watch the screen as a video game played across it, suspense music and sound effects were mixed with laughs and cusses by the group of friends.

So, no, they weren’t bad at all. Upon first glance, how many people are?


Hours later, I found myself walking back to my house, Jared by my side. He’d already thanked me for giving his friends an actual chance, hadn’t asked what I thought of each individual, though. And, truthfully, I’m not sure what I would have said. He did, however, ask me about his band.

I nodded, “Yeah, I liked the last song.” He smiled.

“That was the first song John wrote, I’m pretty sure,” He explained, “It’s called ‘If I Only Had the Heart’.”

I gave him a smile, “what’s your bands name?” The question sounded strange, like, why didn’t I already know what the bands name was?

“Oh!” He said in realization, “The Maine. We’re called the Maine.” I furrowed my eyebrows, finding it somewhat of a strange name, though I hadn’t questioned it. When we approached at my door step, I looked through the window of my door and bit my lip. I knew that my parents were gone – they go out for lunch or dinner and a movie when Jared had me preoccupied. Their car wasn’t in the driveway – Lindsay wasn’t here, and that just left Grandpa.

I sighed.

“Okay,” I said, “Bye, Jared. And thanks.” I didn’t know if I had meant it at that point – I wasn’t even sure if I really enjoyed myself with his friends. I enjoyed the music they produced, though, so I supposed that was a start. Or something of the sorts. I still hadn’t trusted a single one of their friendly eyes.

He nodded, “thank you.” It must have been the millionth time that he said that. And then he said, “See you.” And he walked back to his car, giving me one last wave before getting inside. I stalled there, watching his car glide down the road. I watched it until it was out of sight. And then, I turned to face my front door, sighed one last time before I twisted the door knob and pushed the door open. With any luck on my side, my grandfather would be downstairs, and he would be watching the old t.v we had set up down there. With any luck, he wouldn’t have heard me come through the door.

But, “That you, Peanut?” Since when had luck been on my side?

The first time it had really happened, I was twelve.

I remember the stink of his ragged, panting breaths that fanned across my face, my skin. I remembered his pot-belly laying atop mine. The way it hurt, the way I cried, and the way he assured me it would get better.

It was funny that, my sister had always been jealous of me.

I was grandpa’s favorite.

That’s what she thought, that’s what everyone thought.

I wish she knew that she was the favorite - he hadn’t done to her what he’d done to me.