Complicated.

I was in pure bliss. Abe and I made love for the first time and it felt so right. He was so gentle with me and I felt satisfied and contented after the glow of what we did. We lay still in my bed, tangled under the sheets. I was engulfed in his warmth while his breath flickered across my face every time he exhales.

A thought came barging in, in my mind and I couldn’t help but blurt it out. Too late to take it back, I was scared that I had just ruined our moment.

“What did you say?” he asked, voice dripped with concern. Apparently I had just whispered it and wasn’t audible enough for him to hear. But I wanted to know, he never did explain that one and once and for all I wanted to give that chapter of our life a closure.

“Why did you… l-leave?” I asked, clutching the duvet that laid half across my body when I felt him stiffened against me.

“I… I- was…” he sighed deeply. I didn’t understand why he still found it hard to tell me. After all we’ve been through he should know by now that I’ll forgive him and accept it no matter what it was.

“Didn’t you read my letter?”

I was confused, “What letter?”

Abe turned and sat up, he brushed off his hair and looked at me with a sad smile, “I guess he took it then, I did hope you’d get it. I wrote that letter so you’d know that I didn’t leave because I didn’t love you or didn’t want to fight for us. God knows how much I love you and I would do anything for you Cai. Even if that meant I had to leave, that doesn’t mean I would never come back. I mean I’m here, aren’t I?”

I just nodded still bemused about this letter and I felt angered that my father took away what’s so little that Abe left for me.

“I left at your third day in the hospital when the doctor said you’re stable and you already woke up. I actually visited you that day. I w-”

“I didn’t see you!”

He laughed a little at my clear distraught, he really has a sadistic side only reserved for me, “I know. I didn’t want you to, that would make leaving much harder.”

I don’t get it, if it hurt him to leave me, why did he? “So why did you leave Abe? I just don’t understand.”

He pulled me so I was sitting in his lap as he nuzzled his nose against the crook of my neck, dropping kisses as he hugged me tightly.

“Dad blamed me for it…”

“W-what?!”

“He said that if I didn’t force myself on you things wouldn’t have happened.”

I was appalled by this new information, I mean I knew they hated Abe but to actually blame him for something that I myself started was just too much and to even accuse him of what my dad’s obvious fault was way out of line.

“Abe, please tell me you didn’t believe him.” I looked at him pleading with my eyes, I won’t forgive myself if he would blame himself for what happened.

“Abe please… You know that’s not true. It’s not your fault, we both know I was the one who forced myself on you and I didn’t regret anything. I hope you feel the same.”

His hold on me tightened, “Of course, I would do it all over again in any lifetime. And you didn’t force yourself on me Cai, you know I loved you even before you kissed me, I just… I just wish things were a little bit different.”

And I guess I have to agree with him on that, if we weren’t brothers things would be easier but I won’t have it any other way. I love how we are and I won’t change it for anything.

I sighed and pecked his check softly, “I still hope you didn’t leave.”

“I know, but remember what I told you about Mr. Jenkins offering me a job?” I just nodded, leaning my head against his.

“Well I thought that it was a big chance to just pass up so I said yes when I was sure that you’d be okay. I know mom won’t harm you and dad wouldn’t dare after what happened, they love you too much to do that.”

You’d think that he’d be jealous about it but he wasn’t, he never was and never will be, there wasn’t a bit of bitterness in his voice when he said those words and that made my heart swell and tears threatened to let lose again as I realized just how selfless he was, taking everything in as long as I’m okay.

“So I decided to leave and have that job. I thought that if I build a new life somewhere far away then maybe one day I could come back and get you. I wanted to provide you with everything you need so you won’t have to suffer. I don’t want you to have a hard time so I went away and made sure I had enough to hold us up before I take you with me.”

He stopped talking then that’s when I realized that he sensed that I was distressed, he looked up and frowned when he saw my tear streaked face. He brushed the tears away as he kissed me gently, “Don’t cry baby.”

I couldn’t help but sob harder though, only now grasping the whole sense of affection that he devotes to me, I never did gave much credit for it as he was always doing all these things for me. I felt like I haven’t showed him enough how much I love him and felt shitty for it.

I pressed my lips against his, my heart pounding at the new found emotion, my feelings for him stronger than ever. “I love you Abe. I love you so much.”

“I love you too Cai.” He smiled at me tenderly as he caught my lips in another passionate kiss.

I pulled him closer, cupping his face as I pressed harder, deepening the kiss as he let me swirl my tongue into his moist cavern and tangled with his own as we were lost in another fiery spell of passion and love.