Last Breath

I didn't even see the lights. I remember moving forward, incredible searing pain, a weightless feeling and a familiar voice screaming my name, anguish and fear so clear in their tone. I don't even remember feeling fear.

From those around,
I hear a cry;
"Oh, God, oh, God"
My eyes are blind

I remember busy voices crowding me, hands grabbing me, arms holding me tightly...my eyes refused to open. All I could see was the swirling darkness. The ground is hard on my back. I could feel the dampness in the air, the unforgiving bite of the winter season surrounding me.

Someone is crying, yelling into my ears, calling out my name with urgency. I hear another familiar voice, higher-pitched than the one screaming for me to respond. I want to react; I want to be okay. I can't open my eyes, move, or utter a single sound. Heavy sobs accompany the screaming all around me, the arms I feel, clutching me tightening.

From those around,
I hear a cry;
A muffled sob,
A hopless sigh

The voices I hear slowly fad, distanced from my eardrums. I can feel the arms holding me weaken, disappear. I don't know how to respond; I want those hands back, but they fade away as everything is suddenly silent around me. I can feel my lungs deflate, the remains of air that hadn't been knocked out of me rushing from my body. I can feel my body sieze with pain as my heart tries so desperately to keep me connected to the screaming.

I hear their footsteps,
Leaving slow
And then I know
My soul must fly

I can feel the heat leaving my body. I can't hear the rushing of blood through my ears. I've become cold, my body frozen so much like the snow flakes flittering through the air, while my mind does his best to attempt to process what might be happen. I try to call out: to ask where I am, if I'm alright, but my lips are stuck, hanging open as I feel the cold nip at my tongue, bathing my mouth in a feeling of ice. No sound comes from my voice box as I'm begging silently with whatever has a hold on me to let me go. To release me and allow me to breathe, allow me to lift my arms around the person I heard so desperately trying to reach my.

I can imagine his face; tears rolling from passionate blue eyes, crashing onto my cold body and I'm scared. I try again, pleading for my voice to reach his ears. It seems like I've been trying to reach him forever, as I suddenly feel nothing.

My mind is hazy, nothing registering as my thoughts seem to stop. As soon as I had felt nothing, I feel the unfamiliar sensation of falling. My hair feels as if it's being wisped around on my scalp, and though I cannot move, I feel the weightless feeling shoot through my limbs and torso.

I start to panic, just as I have so many times before. I'm petrified. 'What's happening to me?'

My mind screams at my lifeless body, respond, pleaseplease, move.

A chilly wind,
Begins to blow
Within my soul,
From head to toe

Abruptly, the falling sensation dispurses and I feel my unanimated body land on what I assume to be ground. I try again to move. 'Why can't I move?' I try again, to the same result. There's a hot feeling behind my eyes, a burning sensation in my limbs.

I'm scared. Panic sets into what's left of my coherent mind, and I try again to open my eyes. This time, they fly open. At first, I can't tell if they're open because the only thing I'm met with is the thick darkness that tore me out of his arms.

It's the thought of him - holding me, begging me, screaming for me, crying for me - that forces the panic into my limbs and I thrash wildly. My arms fly out to my sides, trying to clutch at what I lay upon, attempting to get enough ground to shove myself up and into a sitting position. My fingers slip, and my body slams back to the ground. I gasp, not at the feeling of pain in the back of my head, but at the slimy, wet feeling of the surface I'm laying on. Slowly, I pull air into my lungs before I try again to sit up.

As soon as I'm sitting up, a dim light shines from my left. I look into it, then at the ground beneath me. There's a wet pool surrounding me. My eyes scan all around me before I glance down at my fingers. With a quick intake of breath, I bring them closer to my face, my eyebrows furrowing together at the color painted on my fingers. It's pale, like the sky I loved so much after a storm. My eyes glance back to the light, watching in sudden fascination as it brightens. I stare into it for a moment. The light is an off-shade of white.

Confusion grips me as I look back down to my moist, sticky fingers. I feel my eyes widen as the pale shade slowly brightens, a dark color now taking it's place. I hear rather than feel the sharp intake of breath as it registers in my mind that the dark color is a sickening shade of red.

And then,
Last breath escapes my lips
It's time to leave and I must go

Before I'm even aware of the moisture on my face, a sob leaves my throat. My eyes look to the ground, a sick feeling overtaking me as I reach my fingers to my lips, and then I realize that the blood around and all over me is spilling from my lips like water from a faucet. My eyes clench tightly, another sob leaving my lips as my arms find themselves around my torso. 'No...no, I can't be gone! There's so much more I want to do with my life! '

I sob heavily, scrambling backwards,doing my best to move away from the puddle of blood that leaked passed my broken, quivering lips. I struggle to my feet, my eyes staying trained on the pool before me. My breaths are ragged, forcing themselves into my lungs as I feel the familiar panic flood back into my body.

I need him. He's the only thing that calms me down when my mind shuts down and my body fails me. The racing of my heart reaches my ears again, my arms folding themselves back around me. My eyes open again, blindly searching for something, anything that could somehow prove to me that none of this was real.

I open my eyes, looking through tears at the now blury light that seemed to brighten and grow even more. I looked back to the sight before me, more sobs leaving me as I slam my eyes shut once more. All at once, I feel the ground slowly give way and my first thought is to look back at the light, watching as it blinks back and forth between the inky darkness and a white as pure as the snow that fell before I had been thrown into this world of nothingness.

My mind struggled to focus on what was flashing before my eyes. Slowly, the images that flashed came into focus, and all at once;

I remembered.

I see the headlights, hear the screams, and then I understand. My hand comes up to wipe at my mouth. I feel the ground beneath my feet harden, and as I take in more air than my body is used to, I hit my knees.

Don't mock the words that I do say,
Who knows, tomorrow could be your day?

I see it all, right in front of me, similar to a playback on an old movie. The sound of screeching tires, my lifeless body being clutched tightly to the chest I rest my head on to sleep at night, his shoulders shaking and tears on his cheeks. I reach out, walking toward and trying desperately to reach the crying face in front of me.

My feet pick up pace, as I soon feel myself running toward him, my feet too heavy to carry me far.

I scream for him, running to my best ability with the feeling of lead in my bones. I push my body toward the scene before me, continuing to scream helplessly out to him. 'I just want to go back, to stop myself from stepping into that busy street...go back and be patient for once in my life.'

I just want to go home.

Oh God, oh God
I cannot see, my eyes are blind
Am I still me?

His cries tear into my heart. I want nothing more than to comfort him, wrap my arms around him and tell him I'm okay. Slowly, I see the face of one of the two men in my life that have been there for me since we were young. Sobs fall hopelessly out of my mouth as I see the devestation and disbelief in his eyes. He kneels beside my lover, throwing his arms around our bodies. He's screaming to my lifeless body, the both of them pleading, holding me and holding each other.

Tears falling down my face, my heart breaking just as theirs are, I plead right along with them. 'Please, please! Oh, God, please!' I repeat like a mantra. 'Fuck, please! Let me go home! Let me tell them I'm alright!' I beg, my eyes clenching shut.

Or has my soul been lead astray,
And forced to pay a priceless fee?

Don't mock the words that I do say,
Who knows, tomorrow could be your day?

I'm screaming, crying and sobbing. My body is growing tired, but I force myself to keep moving. 'I have to reach them! I have to tell them-'

I feel myself shaking, and the voices I heard only seconds before are melting off into the distance I open my eyes, but I'm not met with the two bodies of the men before me. No, I'm staring back into the darkness. I scream helplessly, closing my eyes again.

'Just let me go home!'

When I open my eyes again, I'm met with a pair of fearful and concerned strickingly blue eyes.

"Billie Joe! Baby, calm down, it's just a dream."