‹ Prequel: Mindless
Status: Completed.
Thoughtful
i'm sorry, i know i'm fat
“Stop! Stop!”
“Where did you come from? Go away! Leave me alone!”
“Hey, shh, it’s okay. Fee, I know you don’t really want me to leave. But please, stop doing that.”
“Doing what? I’m not doing anything. Am I? Oh god, what’s going on? Please, Dylan, what’s going on?”
“You’re…I don’t know, ripping yourself apart. You’ve only been out of the hospital, what, two weeks and you’ve already started again. I thought you said you were going to try harder this time.”
“I d-did. You don’t know h-how hard this is.”
“I guess so.”
“You need to get out. You shouldn’t be seeing me like this.”
“Like what? Ripping yourself apart? Fee, I’ve already seen you like that before.”
“Not only like that.”
“Then like what?”
“Surely, you must’ve noticed.”
“Um…Oh! Oh, right, I-I’m sorry. I’ll close my eyes and you can get dressed then. Sorry.”
“It’s okay…No peeking!”
“Alright.”
“Did you peek?”
“Can I open my eyes now?”
“You have to answer me first!”
“Can I open my eyes now?”
“Oh, fine. Did you peek?”
“Maybe a little.”
“Oh, I see.”
“Oh my god, you’re blushing. Poking your cheek doesn’t even make it go away. Fee-Fee, why are you blushing?”
“Because I’m ugly without my clothes on. I need the clothes to hide my scars and my fat and my stupid yucky skin.”
“You’re not ugly.”
“Yes, I am. Don’t lie, I know what you’re really thinking. You’re thinking that I’m really ugly, so much so that you feel sorry for me. You’re wishing you didn’t peek because you’d rather not have seen that. You-”
“Stop.”
“Why? Why should I?”
“Because it’s not true. Felicity, I promise you, you are beautiful, no matter what you think. You’re not ugly and you’re not fat and your skin is actually pretty.”
“You’re lying!”
“No, I’m not. Here…let me…”
“What are you doing?”
“You still can’t feel me?”
“No…I can. Slightly. What are you doing?”
“You can see what I’m doing. Do you mind?”
“I…I don’t think so. Your hand feels so good on my skin…Oh, wait. Wait, no. You don’t want to take my shirt off, I’m too gross. Dyl, stop. I know you don’t want to.”
“But I do want to.”
“I…”
“Are you minding yet?”
“Hmm?”
“Are you minding yet?”
“No. It feels good.”
“Do you really think this is fat, Fee? I can count your ribs with my fingertips. You look so fragile already and I’ve only seen this so far. You’re so skinny, Fee, too skinny.”
“There is no ‘too skinny.’ This is fat. Are you shuddering yet, from touching me? Do you want to close your eyes yet?”
“No. I like touching you. I like looking at you. You’re so beautiful.”
“But I’m ugly and fat and disgusting!”
“No. You’re beautiful, simply beautiful.”
“How come I can feel you now?”
“I’m your hallucination. I guess you only feel me when you want to so much, you start to control it. Do you want to be able to feel me? Do you like my touch?”
“More than you know.”
“Where did you come from? Go away! Leave me alone!”
“Hey, shh, it’s okay. Fee, I know you don’t really want me to leave. But please, stop doing that.”
“Doing what? I’m not doing anything. Am I? Oh god, what’s going on? Please, Dylan, what’s going on?”
“You’re…I don’t know, ripping yourself apart. You’ve only been out of the hospital, what, two weeks and you’ve already started again. I thought you said you were going to try harder this time.”
“I d-did. You don’t know h-how hard this is.”
“I guess so.”
“You need to get out. You shouldn’t be seeing me like this.”
“Like what? Ripping yourself apart? Fee, I’ve already seen you like that before.”
“Not only like that.”
“Then like what?”
“Surely, you must’ve noticed.”
“Um…Oh! Oh, right, I-I’m sorry. I’ll close my eyes and you can get dressed then. Sorry.”
“It’s okay…No peeking!”
“Alright.”
“Did you peek?”
“Can I open my eyes now?”
“You have to answer me first!”
“Can I open my eyes now?”
“Oh, fine. Did you peek?”
“Maybe a little.”
“Oh, I see.”
“Oh my god, you’re blushing. Poking your cheek doesn’t even make it go away. Fee-Fee, why are you blushing?”
“Because I’m ugly without my clothes on. I need the clothes to hide my scars and my fat and my stupid yucky skin.”
“You’re not ugly.”
“Yes, I am. Don’t lie, I know what you’re really thinking. You’re thinking that I’m really ugly, so much so that you feel sorry for me. You’re wishing you didn’t peek because you’d rather not have seen that. You-”
“Stop.”
“Why? Why should I?”
“Because it’s not true. Felicity, I promise you, you are beautiful, no matter what you think. You’re not ugly and you’re not fat and your skin is actually pretty.”
“You’re lying!”
“No, I’m not. Here…let me…”
“What are you doing?”
“You still can’t feel me?”
“No…I can. Slightly. What are you doing?”
“You can see what I’m doing. Do you mind?”
“I…I don’t think so. Your hand feels so good on my skin…Oh, wait. Wait, no. You don’t want to take my shirt off, I’m too gross. Dyl, stop. I know you don’t want to.”
“But I do want to.”
“I…”
“Are you minding yet?”
“Hmm?”
“Are you minding yet?”
“No. It feels good.”
“Do you really think this is fat, Fee? I can count your ribs with my fingertips. You look so fragile already and I’ve only seen this so far. You’re so skinny, Fee, too skinny.”
“There is no ‘too skinny.’ This is fat. Are you shuddering yet, from touching me? Do you want to close your eyes yet?”
“No. I like touching you. I like looking at you. You’re so beautiful.”
“But I’m ugly and fat and disgusting!”
“No. You’re beautiful, simply beautiful.”
“How come I can feel you now?”
“I’m your hallucination. I guess you only feel me when you want to so much, you start to control it. Do you want to be able to feel me? Do you like my touch?”
“More than you know.”