Our Last Kiss (songfic)

I’ve tried so hard to get over you. I see the way you stare at him, I’ve heard the tender words you share; I’ve known that I was never the one special to you. I still wanted to mean something to you. I love you with all my heart, I wish I didn’t, but I do. You’ll never know how much it kills me that I cannot call you mine anymore, yet I still consider myself yours.

As soon as I think I’m over you I fall back into your hands. It only takes a simple glance for me to melt. Even just a simple touch and I am captivated by you. I know I am a fool. I know you still flirt with him as if he is the most amazing thing in the world, but I’m still addicted. I still crave your attention, I still desire for you love me, and I still wanted your sweet words to mean something. Well maybe that’s a lie, your words do mean something: I’m just your toy.

Here it comes again. I see you approaching me with countless emotions in your eyes.
“I missed you.” Lie.

“You did?” I couldn’t hide the hope in my voice.

He chuckled. “Of course beautiful.” Double lie.

“I missed you too.” Unfortunately, that was true.

He smiled before taking my hand and leading me down the cold hallways to the doors. I knew what he wanted, I knew what was going to happen, but I didn’t do anything to stop him. I grew numb knowing that it would end up the same as before: a toy for the night and that was all. We exited the building and it felt as though we were moving in slow motion as we raced to his car. It took minutes before my foot could even come close to hitting the pavement as we ran from the building behind us. I stared down watching as my foot inched closer and closer to the ground before retreating again. When I looked up again, we were at his car.

I climbed in without hesitation, and yet I was dreading this. I was already hating myself for knowing exactly what was going to happen and doing nothing to stop it. He held my hand and his thumb grazed my knuckles as if he actually cared. I paid no attention to the gesture. Instead I tried to put myself in the mind set that this could be for my pleasure just as much as his.

“Jayden, look at me.”

“Look at the road, Connor.”

I heard him huff and I chuckled in amusement. Maybe he hasn’t changed too much?

We arrived at his house and we robotically walked to the door. I wondered about whether he still had any feelings towards me as we walked through his home. I looked around staring at the walls, this home held many memories for me. I could so clearly remember spending late nights playing Nintendo 64, and the night we tried to sneak some beer. I remember his dad catching us and laughing at our pathetic attempt. I remember when he fell down the stairs and broke his arm. As we came into your room I remember our first kiss filled with curiosity and fear, but also love. Finally I find my place on his bed, the bed I lost my virginity in.

I sat on his bed and waited for him to take me and let it be over with. His hands roamed wherever they pleased as I just sat there. Soon my shirt was but a puddle of cloth on the floor and my jeans lay parallel to them. He didn’t seem to notice how empty I was. He shed his clothing and crawled on top of me. My legs were pushed forward, and I felt as though I barely existed in the moment that I was most vulnerable to him. He entered me without restraint and pain shot up my spine. I could help but feel as though he did it on purpose... just to hurt me. That simple thought made me cry out in pain.

Suddenly he was no longer inside me, and I dared to open my eyes to see what he was doing. He kissed my lips with gentle little pecks as if saying sorry for hurting me. His hands gently massaged my aching body, relaxing me. Our eyes met silently, and I could see his apology within them.

His hands then moved up to stroke my face, stroking it, lulling me back to trusting him. Our lips met again, passionately this time, and desire coursed through my veins. My Connor was back. Then it was love, nothing less.
“Jayden…” His voice was barely above a whisper. Perhaps the same memories were haunting him.

I couldn’t bring myself to smile at him.

“Jayden, I love you.”

“You were always a good liar, Connor.”

He seemed hurt, even taken back a bit by my words. “I’m not lying to you.”

I laughed at his joke. “Perhaps I would have believed that if you never gave yourself to him...”

He froze. I had forgotten that he didn’t know that I had seen them. I couldn’t forget that night. How could I possibly forget watching him show passion to another, and hearing someone else’s name come from his lips. I saw everything through that small crack in the door; I watched my world fall to pieces.

“He doesn’t mean anything to me!” He nearly screamed at me. Who are you trying to convince: Me or yourself?

“No, Connor, I meant nothing to you. If he had meant nothing to you, you wouldn’t have broken my heart for him.”

“Jay--”

“I’m going to find someone else too.” I didn’t want to hear anymore of his excuses. “Someone else is offering his heart to me, and I think I’ll give him a chance.”

Again he seemed at a loss for words. I wondered if he knew how broken I really was. It took every ounce of strength I had to keep from breaking down as I saw a tear run down his face. Suddenly I felt the guilt build up in my stomach even though I had done nothing wrong. I was always faithful, I love him more than anything.

“I-Is he going to r-replace me?” My will power was ebbing away as his voice broke. Maybe he didn’t mean it? Maybe it was a one time thing?

“Honestly, no. No one could ever replace you, Connor. I’m just hoping someone will repair this broken heart, or at least hold it together for me.”I felt the tears streak down my face before I knew I was crying.

“Don’t go with him... please.” I was so close to breaking down. Only three more words and all the walls I had built would come crashing down.

“W-Why?” I wondered if he knew that I was going to break.

“I love you... you can’t leave me, Jayden.” Were you mocking me or sincere? “We’ve been together forever...”

I caved. I collapsed into him, my heart was being squished and crushed; pulled and ripped to pieces as I was gasping, choking on air. I had no control over my sobbing, or how desperately I was clinging to him now. It seemed as though an eternity had passed, but I was content in his arms.

Finally as if by fate our lips found each other and I was lost in him once more. Everything else melted away, and the world that we once knew was gone. I felt the guilt in my stomach erase and the weight on my shoulders lift. As we pulled away I could see the gears in his mind moving slowly. “So he was a one time only thing? You’re still mine?”

The wheels turned faster and faster as countless emotions swarmed through his eyes. There was no nod; no conformation of my assumption. “C-Connor?”

His eyes met mine once again, and slowly I could see it. His thoughts, the gears in his mind began turning out of sync. In the moment that my eyes shut to blink, the boy who held my heart was gone. Physically his back was to me as he searched his draws for something. Mentally my beloved was no longer before me. When I blinked again, he was in front of me once again with a small blade in hand.

“Connor?” Our eyes were locked, but I could see nothing deeper beneath them. I felt no fear though, perhaps I was supposed to die this way. Could I truly detest dying at the hands of the one I willingly gave my heart to? Never.

His hand gently grazed down my arm, pulling my arm towards him. My eyes instinctively closed as our lips met, and despite what I had expected, he was gentle. Our lips melted together to distract my mind from the blade dividing my veins. Even though my love for him was the death of me, I cannot regret it. As the poison was draining from my arm, I fell into him. Though death was slowly taking me away, I fought no battle to stay alive. I was lost in him still. My world was beginning to fade as he held me close to him. “Wait for me, Jayden.”

I smile as I feel my soul leaving my body, You know I will.

I see him now, perfectly clear once more, holding my remains to his heart. I have no desire to take revenge for what he has done to me. I only wish I could embrace him. I see tears streaming down his face and I smile knowing that I will always have his heart.

“Jayden... I’m so sorry.. please wait for me...”

Forever, I’ll wait here...