***ing Perfect

Escapemyfate: It’s whatever. I don’t care. I’m just not worth anything good.

I sighed, softly, reading it over in my head. I don’t understand why he feels that way. It makes no sense to me.

Love.is.Love: You are too worth good. I mean it, okay? I love you.

I sighed again and minimized the yahoo chat window. He was saying things like this too much for my liking. I didn’t like how he felt about himself. I didn’t like how he talked down on himself. I wanted him happy.

I can only remember two times I made him laugh… They weren’t much anyways. I wanted to be able to make him laugh and smile and feel carefree and not care about the horrible world surrounding us.

I’m not who makes him smile though. I’m not his girlfriend or boyfriend, I’m only a friend. He has other people in his life who can most likely make him smile much easier instead of giving everything they have to get a single smile out of him.

A friend of us both told me that if I try making him smile, he’ll know I’m trying and then I’ll fail.

It makes no sense to me. I can’t understand him at all. He confuses me, makes me think in ways I haven’t, and makes me sad all at once. He doesn’t even have to try to make me cry. He could tell me he deserves to be treated bad and then tears will come as I fight against his word.

A small box in the bottom right corner of my screen told me he signed off. I felt tears prick at my eyes as I closed his window, knowing he won’t come back on tonight. “I love you,” I whispered at my screen, pointlessly.

I closed the rest of my windows on my computer and logged off, going to my bed. I pulled my pillow to my chest and felt tears fall more freely. I shook my head frantically and grabbed my remote to my stereo to turn the radio on. I turned the volume up as loud as I could stand and cried even more as “Fucking Perfect” by Pink came on.

I was such a little emotional girl. That’s why he doesn’t love me like I love him. I’m too young and too emotional and too wrong for him.

I don’t care that he dates other people, as long as he’s happy. I always get a pang of jealously when he’s taken. I always hope that his new suitor will treat him as he deserves. I want him happy. I want him to be able to smile and be carefree. I want him to want to go skipping in a field of flowers or something!

I want him happy. So much so that I push my feelings further and further back. I don’t want to ask how he feels about me. I don’t want to feel rejection, because I know it’s not how I feel for him. I don’t want to have him get mad at me and not be my friend anymore.

I can’t lose him. I want him to be in my life. Even if our conversations consist of two hi’s and that’s it.

I love him with all my heart.

I love him too much.