Bleeding Tears, Crying Blood

Leroy woke the next day and, just as Cian promised, he appeared as human as he always did. It took some time and courage, as well as Kenny dragging me into his room, before I could face him. I told him what Cian told me, that I had acted on instinct and that his blood was now being purified. He looked a bit shocked and angry until I told him he would die before immortality could settle in. He would remain almost completely human for the remainder of his life. This appeared to appease him. He looked a little happier with what had happened to him and quite forgiving. He patted my head and told me not to worry. He was still human, just as he wanted, and would continue to be so until his death. I had done no wrong.

I had nearly cried in relief at this. I had been so scared that he would hate me again but he didn’t. He was still one of the few friends I had.

He was weak the day he woke. His legs were wobbly and tried to refuse any help. Kenny wouldn’t have it though and helped him in any way possible. The next day he was back to normal, his legs were strong and weirdly his mood had improved. He was still tense but a little relaxed now. I figure it was that nothing had happened while he was unconscious. Cian and Wolfram had kept me safe.

It was night again but for once all were awake. Wolfram was outside, sitting next to Leroy and Kenny, watching with interest as Cian tried to teach me how to shift. He wasn’t as amazed as Leroy and Kenny were when Cian shape changed into a wolf. He was quite calm about it and his eyes only flittered to the black and grey wolf for a brief moment, his air unimpressed. It made me interested a little. Wolfram was always filled with surprises.

“As you are now able to play with your Matter a little, I shall leave it for now. You have must master your playing to be able to use it in battle and apply it to weapons and suits.”

“I can use the witch items?” I asked, a little happy. That would be quite interesting to do.

“You can but only once you have mastered your Matter and manipulate it at will. Until you do, I will try and teach you how to change your skins.” He shook his head. “Wolf is often the first one to shift into.” The wolf said. “It is a creature that runs and runs fast. Just like anything in the old world, you learn how to flee or out manoeuvre enemies. The wolf is the shape for running.”

“What of the others?” I asked.

“The others you’ll learn in time. Your flock shape will be your last though. It is the most complicated as you use it to shift in battle, so aim is something you’ll need to learn.” He said. “But the mouse and owl will most likely be the one after the wolf. They are simple and used to hide.”

“So how do I do it?”

“It is not like your Matter. The shapes you hold and the Matter are two separate things within you. The Matter is related to your witch side. The shapes are the dhampirs’ own skill, something only they can uniquely do.” Cian said and twitched his ears. “Mostly it is instinct but I will try and help you find your wolf shape. It is a good way to run and covers you in an animal essence and smell. You can hide in this skin well.”

“Is it like how a wolf or jaguar shifts?” I asked, glancing over at Kenny and wasn’t surprised by the highly interested glint in his eye. His sleeping jaguar had stirred again that morning, awakening his ears and giving him a horrible headache. He refused to move his hands from his ears for a good hour.

“No. The shift of a wolf and cat is when they their body changes, when they shed their human face. It is a slower process and, at first, painful, and their bodies will be far superior and larger than their human. The way we shift is, in a sense, covering our body in an illusion. It is fast, painless and our body retains the senses of our human shape. We see, hear and smell no differently.” He shook his head then stepped forward. “I shall try to describe what I feel when I shift. Try and mimic it.”

I nodded slowly and Cian padded up to me, staring at me with his old black eyes. “When I seek to shift into my wolf skin, I think of the wild. I can feel the wind, smell the trees, the dew and the scent of rain. I can feel the mud under my fingers and hear the call of birds.” He blinked slowly and focus returned to his gaze. “That is what I feel when I reach for my wolf skin. Try it now. Close your eyes and think of what I said. See if you can feel what I described.”

I did as I was told and closed my eyes. I tried to think of what he said. I thought of trees, the wind and the birds. But I couldn’t feel anything. Eventually I gave up, feeling a little silly.

“I can’t feel anything.” I said quietly.

Cian titled his head. “I am not surprised. Shifting is instinctual, something you learn by yourself. What I feel may not be what you feel when seeking the wolf skin. You have also only recently awakened. Your skins may not be fully developed yet.” He sighed and wagged his tail when I petted his head. “It was worth a try though. Skins are the best defence a dhampir has.”

He twitched his ears and his head sharply turned west. He was quite still but his nose was constantly sniffing at the air. When he stopped, turned to Wolfram. “My lesson is over. I will go and patrol until dawn.”

Wolfram nodded and Cian loped off into the trees, vanishing rapidly into the darkness. Wolfram remained where he was, chewing the end of his cigarette.

“He’s sensed something.” Wolfram warned, giving me a firm stare. “So don’t go far from the hut please.”

“Are you going to bed then?” Kenny asked.

He shook his head. “Not yet. I’ll wait and see if I sense anything myself.” He sighed and stood. “I’ll take a quick walk around the grounds. Kenny, Leroy. Keep an eye out for trouble.” He ordered and gave both of them a firm glare.

They nodded in unison and Wolfram wandered off with a thick cloud of grey smoke trailing after him. I wondered up to Kenny, unhooking White from the clip on my belt.

“How is your head?” I asked.

Kenny smiled. “It is better. Sorry about how I reacted earlier.”

“It is expected. Your hearing suddenly became very sensitive, it is only natural you would hide and tell us to be silent.”

His smile weakened. “How long do you think I have?”

I noticed Leroy stiffened. He was still convinced Kenny that the jaguar waking up meant Kenny’s death.

“Not long.”

I glanced sharply down when White spoke. I hadn’t felt him appear but I wished he hadn’t said that. Kenny looked even more worried and Leroy appeared to be moodier.

“Really?” Kenny asked White.

“I can sense your immortality now. I can sense the jaguar. He was stirring strongly.” White said. “I give you a couple of weeks before the jaguar has awakened fully.”

Kenny’s smile was now quite sad. He stared at his hands as he fiddled with a bit of grass. “And you’re sure I won’t fade away?”

I shook my head vigorously. “You will not, Kenny. You will still be there but your personality may shift due to the memories of past lives. A jaguar is never the same man in every life. He changes.”

“What if he is a terrible person?”

“He is not.” I said firmly. “Cian wouldn’t speak so highly of him if he was.”

Kenny looked up at my convinced eyes then his smile lightened. “Cian is a good man, the type who would only trust good people.”

“So your jaguar is a good man. You won’t become a terrible person, Kenny.”

He yawned and rubbed his eyes. He looked happier but fear and worry remained. I couldn’t blame him. “I’ll go to bed for now.” He stood and headed back to the door. “Remember not to go out of the hut’s grounds, Alma.”

I promised I wouldn’t and he bid me goodnight before going inside. There was only a moment of silence before Leroy shot his question at me.

“Is there a way to stop the process?” He asked sharply.

White scowled and I looked confused. “The process of what?”

“Of that jaguar awakening. There must be a way to stop it.”

“There isn’t.” White said while I stood dumbfounded by the suggestion.

“You’re certain?”

“Yes.” White snapped. “Kenny is not the true person here, the jaguar is. Kenny will become a part of him, just like every other man he has been in the beginning before.” Leroy glowered and opened his mouth to argue but White’s true voice came with a cold breeze. “The jaguar will awaken. There is no way you can stop a man remembering what he has forgotten.”

His glower intensified and he stared at the ground stubbornly. A pang of pity echoed in my chest. He was so scared about losing Kenny forever. I sat beside him and leaned forward, trying to catch his eye. White remained as he curled up on my knees.

“You’re not going to lose him.” Leroy remained quiet. “Kenny will still be there. He will just be part of another person.”

“He still won’t be completely himself.” Leroy mumbled.

I hesitated. “No, he won’t. But he will remember you and know you. He will still see you as his friend.” I allowed my blank expression to form a smile.

Leroy glanced at me and a strange look came over his eyes. Before I knew what was happening, Leroy had leaned forward and pressed his mouth against mine. I sat quite stiff and shocked when he pulled away. Instantly, realisation of what he did came over his face. Red and embarrassed, he stood stiffly.

“I’ll see you tomorrow evening.” He said awkwardly before almost running inside.

It didn’t sink in for several moments and when it did I felt the blood rush to my face. Leroy kissed me? Why? Why would he do such a thing? I looked down at White who was staring quietly up at me.

“What happened?” I asked him.

“Leroy showed his affection for you.” He replied.

“Affection?”

“Yes, Alma, affection. Leroy has been very fond of you for a while now. It’s been painfully obvious.” He snorted.

I blinked slowly but still couldn’t remember any hints from my friend. But then I suddenly realised something wrong. White had seen Leroy kiss me yet he was calm. He showed no sign he was bothered by Leroy’s advances towards me. That was bad. I was beginning to panic.

I picked him up and cradled him in my hands, letting his stare directly into my face.

“I didn’t see it.”

“Then you’re blind.” White said. He paused and titled his head back and forth, indicating he was thinking. What he said next made me wish I was in the midst of a nightmare. “Maybe you should try something with him. He may infuriate me and I may dislike him, but he is loyal and kind beneath his stupid immaturity. And he does like you a fair amount. He would be a good one to pair with for a while.”

“No!” I shouted and stood sharply, dropping him without thinking and walking brusquely away from the hut.“No, no, no, no, no.” I rambled.

Pain was filling me. Horrible heart and gut wrenching pain. I hunkered down and pressed my balled fists into my eyes.

This wasn’t happening. This wasn’t happening.

White pushed himself out of the mud and walked as quickly as he could to me. “Alma, Leroy is not that bad but if it’s a no, then fine. We’ll find you someone else.” White said calmly and a little confused.

I didn’t move my fists from my eyes. Everything had been fine today. Cian had woken me up, asked if I wanted to learn how to shift. I had coffee with Wolfram and tried to calm Kenny though his horrible sensitive hour. I completed Cian’s lesson, calmed Kenny about his awakening. But then Leroy kissed me and White was unknowingly tearing out my heart and rejecting me.

White stared up at me with concern. “Alma, what is it?”

“I don’t want Leroy. Well I do but only as my friend.” I babbled.

“Then turn him down. He will recover. It is nothing to get upset over.”

“It is when the man I love is trying to encourage me to go for him.”

Silence charged in around us. I didn’t dare look at White, even though his face would be expressionless. But I could feel something whirling in the air. His emotions. They chilled me and were filled with negativity. Fear. Denial.

“You don’t love me, Alma.” He said coldly in his true voice.

“I do.” I said stubbornly.

“You don’t. You’re too young. Vampires of your age will grow crushes or attractions and flit about from one to another. But love is a strong thing, Alma, it is something that you feel later in your life when you’re ready to find a mate.” His voice became colder and stiffer as he spoke.

“I do love you.” I repeated.

“Then you’ll be alone.” He snapped suddenly. “I don’t return it, Alma.”

“I don’t believe you.”

White aura became even colder. I felt the grass stiffen with frost around my feet. “I will leave you for now and when I come back I want that thought gone from you. You understand?” he snarled softly.

I didn’t say anything and continued to block my eyes. I didn’t see or hear him leave, I felt it. Slowly the coldness of the air faded sharply, leaving me in the faintly warm summer night air. It was only then that I dared to move my hands away from my eyes and looked down at White. He was limp on the ground, his body sagging out a little from the lack of life within him.

With shaking fingers I picked him up. I stared at the little rabbit face, remembering the first time I received the toy from the real White. He had made if for me so he could talk to me whenever he wanted to.

I then began to cry.