Bleeding Tears, Crying Blood

They were condemned to death. It hadn’t taken long at all. While my fear had thickened to such an extent I was visibly shaking when my eyes had found Gabor, scowling with rage, I had answered Lady Eva’s questioned without hesitation. She and the Elders were quick to make their decision. Gabor, Elena and Bogdan were to be given the Second Penalty in their attempt to harvest two dhampirs. Gabriella and the Gabor Clan were to be watched and monitored for several years.

I was surprised by how quiet and calm they were at the news and how proud they looked while they were taken away. They were going to die and didn’t seem to fight it at all. It was strange that I felt a little guilty for being the cause of their death, even as Gabor stared at me as he walked passed, his dark eyes filled with hate and rage.

Two days had passed since then. Leroy had left me along with Wolfram. Both had been adamant I was to come back, to visit them and the Branch. I had promised happily and looked on sadly as they walked off down the long drive. And, now that the Trial was complete, I was to go home soon. But not quite.

“Alma.” I looked from the window and turned to her. I hadn’t spoken to her about what Cian had told me. I felt it wasn’t my place. My mother had done what was right. It was up to Cian to forgive her. I couldn’t force him to and I couldn’t force mother to give Annie back. I just hoped that one day Cian could speak to her without hatred in his eyes and she could speak to him without feeling intense guilt.

My mother stared at me with some concern in her eyes. “Your father and I are being called. Will you be fine on your own?”

I nodded numbly. While the Trial was complete, the Penalty had yet to be completed. I was meant to observe the deaths of the three vampires as I was the victim of their attacks, the reason they were to die. But I couldn’t. All I could remember was Gabor’s manic desperation to revive his Clan, that there were people who were going to mourn his death. I felt too sad, too scared, to face him again. So my parents were going in my stead.

Susan was silent for a moment, blinking slowly as she thought. “I could get Livia for you.”

I shook my head. “I would rather be alone.”

She sighed. “Arnold will be close by if you need him. He will refuse to leave you entirely alone.” She said. “We will be maybe an hour and then we can go home.”

I simply nodded and accepted a pat on the head. With some reluctance, my mother left me in my room. I stood at first, observing the packed bags and perfectly made bed before I returned to the window. I leaned on my elbows and stared down at the vast maze like gardens. White remained on the windowsill beside me, empty and motionless as he had been ever since I woke. I had hoped to see him before I left but it was apparent that he either wasn’t here or was hiding.

As I stared at the shrubs and flowers far below and my thoughts kept wondering what was happening to Gabor right now, I gradually become fidgety and the desire to be outside grew. Snatching up White, I turned and wandered over to the door. Once opened, a voice echoed in my ear.

“Are you going outside, young mistress?” Arnold asked.

I flinched a little, having been too distracted by my own thoughts to have sensed him, then smiled faintly. “I am. I want to have a walk.”

Arnold smiled at me kindly, guessing I needed some kind of distraction. “I can accompany you.”

I remembered my mother stating he wasn’t going to leave my side and didn’t bother to reject him. He guided me down the numerous wide staircases until we came to a door I remembered so clearly. White and tall, the glass door was the main entrance to the gardens of the Domain. Once outside, a chill breeze swept over me but the air remained warm. It was strange to me to see large patio, hedges and statues completely free of snow. I often came here during the winter, when the storms had passed through and the snows were gripping the country. Once I breathed in the fresh air, I headed down the stone steps and into the maze.

I found Arnold good company. He left me be, being utterly silent unless I asked him a question. He followed me at a distance, giving me my solitude as I had wanted but also giving me a sense of protection. I was safe here and guarded. Sometimes I asked him about his old lives, how my mother was when she was young and what my father was like. What my Uncle was like. He answered them happily, being as open as he could be without feeling a small stab of pain. He told me mother was rescued as a child, her Family having been entirely destroyed. He told me of her attempts to kill my father to free herself before eventually trapping herself completely by giving my father her blood. He told me of my Uncle, what kind of Head he once was, and of his first meeting with Cian.

“But there is much I don’t know now. A little over forty years have passed since the ending of my eighth life. I feel much has happened since then.” He said behind me heavily. “Your birth for one thing. It had always been that Black Bloods couldn’t become pregnant. Apparently it didn’t apply to Susan.”

“It might be because she is a Witch still. Cian said that only three Clans can produce dhampirs.”

“Maybe. I may ask the Lady about it. She may know.” Arnold said with a slight shrug. “But things may be tough for the next few weeks. Master Cian has a lot of hate towards Susan right now. As much as I wished he didn’t, I don’t blame him.”

I shook my head, quietly agreeing with him. We fell back into silence again. I kicked at the leaves and picked up a long thin stick. Waving it around aimlessly, I wondered onwards until I came to a courtyard surrounded by walls of white roses.

I stopped sharply and stared with blank eyes. Someone else was here. Sitting on one of the few stone benches surrounding a large fountain was a man. He was sitting quietly, carving at a tiny block of wood. I was shocked that he was here. Part of me had hoped he hadn’t been within the Domain, that he hadn’t been hiding from me.

Arnold came to my side and peered at the man curiously. He was tall with dark skin and his cropped her was the purest white. Slowly Arnold seemed to register who he was and took a step back.

“I will be close by if you need me, young mistress.” He said in comfort.

I stared at him in alarm, slightly scared at what I was meant to do now, but he simply smiled and bowed lightly then wandered away. I wanted to call to him, to make him come back and stay with me but I knew I had to do this alone. Taking a shaky breath, I made my way towards the lone man with heavy steps.

I knew he heard and felt my approach but he didn’t acknowledge me. He simply continued to carve away, his head bowed and his eyes completely focused on his work. I wanted to say something but founds the words die in my throat. Instead I stood for a moment, mute and shy, before I sat down beside him.

Both us remained silent. I watched the sky at first then looked at what he was carving. It looked like a small deer. I wondered who it was for. But then I noticed his hands. How big they were, how strong they looked. I found myself mesmerised until he spoke.

“I thought the Penalty was tonight.” White asked.

I jumped and blushed. His voice was far deeper than through the toy and it got a far stronger reaction from me. My heart fluttered violently.

“It is.” I replied.

“Why are you not there?”

I was hesitant now and feeling a little shame. “Fear stopped me. I fear him. I do. And I fear the pain I’m going to create in others through his death.” I frowned. “I’m not strong enough to face it.”

“Normally I would disagree with you and be disappointed. If you put a man to death, you should have the respect to watch his last few seconds.” He suddenly chipped the small deer violently and his rage stirred. “But that man deserves no respect. You owe him nothing.” He said savagely, his teeth bared a little.

I felt his rage grow and noticed the anger in his carving. I hesitantly reached out and touched his arm, willing him to calm down. His reaction was almost instant. He gradually stopped and his head turned to look at my hand.

“You nearly died.” He murmured.

I remembered the markings, Bogdan’s murmurings. I really had nearly died. For some strange reason, it had never felt real. But if Augusta and her Family hadn’t arrived, I would be dead right now. I wouldn’t be here next to White. I wouldn’t ever be with him again.

I was quiet, simply watched with my nerves growing, as he closed the pen knife and slipped it up his sleeve, letting his free hand touch mine. His fingers simply stroked the skin of my hand before he grasped it. Seeing him hold my hand, observing my fingers with such attention, made me suddenly blurt out the question I had been wanting to ask him for so long.

“What did you mean?” I asked.

He felt him stiffen a little and his head rose. For the first time in so long, his true eyes were staring at my face. They were as deep and dark as I remembered but something else was there now, making them more beautiful than before.

“Explain.” He said simply.

“Back when I was to die, when you stopped Gabor from tearing out my Core, you said that I was your mate several times.” I stammered. I was getting so nervous now. I felt my legs shaking a little and my heart hammered.

He was quiet but I saw his eyes grow intense. He was thinking. His mind was in a whirl. And then he replied. “I lied.” He said firmly.

Confusion and frustration suddenly exploded. I stood sharply and took my hand back, my emotionless mask and aura shattered. “You lied?” I echoed loudly in despair. “Then why did I feel such truth from you? Why did you feel the need to say it several times when it was completely unnecessary?”

He didn’t move, only sat quietly, still holding the half completed deer.

“Do you know how that made me feel? I’ve been hopeful that maybe you had changed your mind. And now apparently that was entirely wrong.” I snapped.

He stiffened at that and I smelt the scent of regret, of lies.

“You’re lying.” I stated. “You reek of it.”

White fangs were bared a little and a quiet hiss slipped out. “I am not.”

“You lie. You know you do. And you know there is no point in hiding it. So answer me truthfully.” I demanded, folding my arms and digging my claws into skin in frustration.

He chucked the deer aside and stood sharply. “Because we are both young! We are at an age where we’re not bound to one. It is rare, very rare, for vampires not even close to one hundred years to choose a mate. I didn’t want you to sit there and tell me you loved me when it was probably just a whim or a moment of confusion.” He said fiercely, his own rage showing.

I stared at him, watching his face for any lies. There were none. He had honestly been worried that I was confused in my feelings for him. He spoke the truth yet I felt he wasn’t giving me the true reason. The more I sought with my senses, the more I picked up something. It was fear. He was scared now. His heart was hammering but not like mine. It wasn’t from nerves and adrenaline. It was from fear. Slowly I pinpointed the source of his dread.

“You fear me.” I stated slowly in surprise.

White flinched and his eyes darkened. He didn’t deny it or admit it, only scowled at me with his fangs bared in agitation. I stepped forward and touched his face lightly. He flinched but didn’t move away. “Why do you fear me? It isn’t rejection. I had told you my honest feelings and you know I did. What is it?”

He was silent for a while but slowly rage began to push him to answer. “I fear for you.” He forced out. “I have been used many times before to get to my mother, usually to gain her favour in some stupid scheme. But I have been used once to harm her. I was befriended by an assassin. I let him get so close to her and my father that I was close to be orphaned. My father has now lost the sight of his right eye and my mother lost one of her three guards, Sonia, because of my stupid actions and childish trust.” He paused, staring at me with firm dark eyes. I was surprised by his stark honesty. Never before had I been told this and my heart went out to him. “I fear people would use you to get to her or me.” He continued quietly. “I fear that you being close to me will just bring you misery or pain.”

“That’s the true reason isn’t it?” I murmured. “That’s the real reason you rejected me.”

He was hesitant but he nodded. “Friends are something rare to me. You were the only outsider who genuinely wanted to befriend me. You were the one I truly loved. But I am cautious enough with your friendship and concerned of your wellbeing in being my friend. To be anything more is just terrifying.”

I had never realised White had such fears of attachments. I had known he had been nervous of me but it was people in general. I realised now that he saw a potential enemy in anyone, be it human or vampire. He trusted few and those people he feared would be hurt.

I reached up and wrapped my arms around his neck, pulling him into a tight embrace. I hadn’t realised he had been used as a weapon before, as a door to cut Lady Eva’s throat. No wonder he was so cut off from the world and made himself so isolated.

All of a sudden White returned the embrace. His arms snaked around me and he held me as tightly as he could. He buried his face in my hair, breathing in my scent.

“I was so close to losing you.” He blurted out.

“I know.” I murmured.

“When I found the toy useless, only waking to find darkness and nothingness, I panicked. I had no way of contacting you, no way of knowing where you were. At first I thought you had gotten rid of it in a fit of hate for me but when we heard nothing but good news from you and Cian felt something wrong, I began to suspect. I tried and tried again to find your mind but it was hard to latch on. When I finally did, all I felt was such terror and pain. I knew you were in danger but had no proof. I couldn’t help you or protect you.” He said quietly. “Never again, Alma. I’ll never fail you again.”

I smiled and let him hold me a little while longer before he pushed me away. Without making eye contact, he held me at arm’s length. I smell his emotions. His raw fear, his love for me. Both were at war with one another. But the fear was winning. I knew it.

“You’re not ready, are you?” I asked softly.

His grip strengthened. “I have too much fear in me, Alma. Ever since I let that assassin tear half my father’s face off and rip off Sonia’s head, I’ve never trusted others or trusted me to guard my loved ones.” He paused. “I failed you, Alma. I nearly let you die.”

“It wasn’t up to you to protect me, White.” I insisted.

“But if I am to be your mate, if we are to have children, how can I trust myself to keep you safe?” He asked.

I stared forlornly up at him. “You can.”

He shook his head. “Not yet. I need to get stronger in so many ways. I need to.” He gently cupped my face and placed his forehead on mine. “Others will try to harvest you. I need to make sure I am strong enough to ensure they won’t get anywhere close to succeeding.”

It saddened me. It made my heart sink with disappointment. But I knew what he was asking from me. I wanted to be with him so much but he wasn’t ready. There was too much self-doubt within him, too much fear. He would not be able to be with me without driving himself mad from paranoia and dread of losing me. I didn’t want him to go down the same route my grandmother did. I didn’t want to feel the pain my grandfather was feeling.

I smiled weakly and let my hands cover his. “I will wait for you.” I said softly.

He stepped closed instantly and nuzzled my face hard. “Give me a little time.”

“I’ll give you as much as you need.” I said and rapidly sought his mouth with mine.

I kissed him hard and my heart fluttered when he responded, dragging me closer. We only stopped when a voice called to me.

“Young mistress, we are being called.” Arnold shouted with humour in his voice. “We are leaving shortly.” He didn’t even wait for me to respond before he vanished again.

White suddenly littered my face with kisses. “Wait for me. I’ll be ready for us soon.” He promised.

I smiled. “I know.” I lifted up the toy he made me so long ago. “Talk to me. I may be able to help you.”

“I’ll try.” He said then stepped back. “Go. I am sure you want to get home quickly.”

I very much did but I also wanted to stay with him, to begin work on helping him recover from the past. I watched silently as picked up the deer and sat down, beginning to work again. I was so torn. But Arnold called again, forcing me away.

I quickly kissed his forehead and stepped back. “I will come to you soon again.” I promised.

White nodded and smiled warmly at me. “Do so. I don’t see your face in person often enough.”

I nodded and started to take steps back slowly at first, my eyes still fixed with his, before I turned and fled. I could feel his gaze watching me, smell his happiness, until I stepped out of sight beyond the courtyard.

Arnold stood there, waiting patiently. He smiled. “Is all well?” He asked.

I smiled, feeling joy even though I was still without White. “All is.” I said.

“Then come. The Master waits for us. We shall be home tomorrow.” He said with pleasure.

This time it was I who lagged behind and my mind kept wandering back to White. My attention was broken and clouded with thoughts and hopes. Before I knew it, I was in a car sitting next to my mother and father, staring out of the window and watching the world go by.

I was finally going home. The hunt was finally over. But something White said bothered me. Others would try to harvest me. I didn’t doubt him. I knew another Clan would discover me. They would seek me out to rip out my Core and end my life to purify their own. This hunt was only the first of many. I knew that to be true.

But next time I would be ready. Next time I would be strong and be trained in battle. I would have my shapes and the knowledge on how to use them.

Most importantly, I would have White. I knew he could protect me now but such thick doubt and fear clouded his vision. I would help him get rid of that. I would help him become strong. And then he would accept me, and I him.

But until then, I would wait for him. I would train. I would help Cian try and forgive my mother.

I hugged the empty rabbit toy, closing my eyes and remembering the warmth of White’s embrace, the sensation of his mouth. He loved me. He did. And that was more than I could ask for.

While my life loomed before me filled with blood and wars, I couldn’t help but be happy and content. Everything was as it should be and better. So for now I was giddy with happiness and joy. For now I was content. For now I was not hunted.

But only for now. One day another Clan would find me. One day another Clan would hunt me. One day another Clan would try to harvest me. And it would keep on happening until the day I drew my last breath and my life left me.

For as long as I lived, the hunts would never stop.