Would You Love Me, Would You Hold Me?

***Nick's POV***

I flipped the light switch off and crawled under the blankets on my bed. Today had been...not as bad as I thought it would be. I'm so relieved I found someone here that is actually...well, I don't know if I would say normal...but...relateable? She just seemed cool, and we got along pretty well. I definitely feel better about staying here for 2 whole months, now that I know Joanna.

But there was still something about her that...made me nervous. Almost scared me. Yeah, I know; I sound so manly saying a girl scares me. She just seems...I can't even describe it. She's un-describable. I think that might be a good thing, though; it makes her unique.

But I know there's definitely more to be found out about her. She's been here 4 times in the past year, so something must obviously be wrong. And I don't know if I want to know what's wrong. I don't want anything that she tells me to make me think different of her, or to scare me away.

I just want to be there for her.

$$$

I groaned as one of the workers here opened my door. "Time to get up, breakfast is in 30 minutes." I mumbled something in response, and I heard the door close again. I continued to lay there for a few minutes, and I heard the door open again. "Rise and shine!"

"I'm up, I'm up..." I said groggily, sitting up. They closed the door again, and I rubbed at my eyes. Another person walked in, this time a nurse. "Morning." She smiled sweetly at me.

"Good morning." I yawned. "Where do I shower in this place?" I asked, scratching my head.

"That's what I came here for. get whatever you need, and follow me." I nodded and got out of bed, grabbing my clothes before following the nurse out of my room and down the hall.

"Alright, here's your towel, wash cloth, shampoo, and soap," She handed me these things as she listed them off. "You're going to have to keep one hand above the curtain the entire time you're in there."

I blinked and stared at her. "Huh?" She nodded. "We do that to make sure you aren't harming yourself.

"Oh great." I sighed. I started the shower and stripped, getting in and lifting one hand up. And boy, does that make doing your usual routine in the shower hard.

"This is difficult." I whined as I tried to sufficiently scrub my hair with only one hand. I heard the nurse chuckle and I grumbled to myself. "You'll get used to it."

After finishing that wonderful cleaning experience as quickly as I possibly could with one hand, I was dried and clothed. "Do you have a hair dryer I could use?" I asked awkwardly.

"Hold on a minute." She said before she walked out. She came back with one. "I have to supervise you while you use it." She said as she plugged it in for me.

"Alrighty." I sighed, turning it on and grabbing my hair brush, going to work on my long hair. I had it completely dried in about 15 minutes, and I gave it back to her. "Thanks." I smiled awkwardly. Hell, this whole damn experience can be summed up into one work; awkward. She nodded and smiled, then lead me out of the room. I walked down the hall, all the way to the cafeteria. As I waited in line for my breakfast, I looked around and didn't see Joanna anywhere. Great. Now even more awkwardness as I sit alone and eat my breakfast.

After breakfast was finished, it was time for my morning meeting. It was with the lady, Lisa, who apparently Joanna isn't too fond of. Joanna also wasn't at the meeting, and I was starting to get worried.

"Hey, um...where's Joanna? I thought she was supposed to be here." I asked Lisa as I sat down in a chair. She sighed.

"Joanna caused a bit of a ruckus late last night." My eyes widened slightly, and I nodded, silently telling her to continue. "She's being kept in her room all day today because of it."

"What'd she do?" I asked quietly.

"She had another one of her episodes." I raised my eyebrow and gulped. "Episodes?" She nodded. "What...kind of episode?"

"She suffers from bi-polar disorder. She doesn't ever want to take her medication, and when she doesn't, she has an episode. She'll go from being insanely happy and laughing at absolutely nothing one minute, then she starts threatening to kill everyone and burn down the building the next." I sunk down in my chair, nodding slowly. "It was pretty bad last night."

"Wow." Was all I could muster up. I knew something had to be going on with her. "But don't they make sure she takes it? Her meds?" Lisa sighed and shook her head.

"They try everything to make sure she does, but she comes up with new ways to make it seem like she took it when she didn't. She's very, very smart when it comes to that kind of stuff."

"Can't they stand there, watch her take it, and then stay with her for like, a certain period of time? To make sure she doesn't try to like...throw it up or anything?"

"Yeah. But she always figures something out. Like I said, she's smart." She took her eyes off of me, and looked the other way. "Too smart for her own good, I think." She mumbled.

$$$

Next Day

Another day here at this wonderful place. Boy, do I wish I'd never tried to kill myself now...

After I finished my fun showering experience again, I quickly walked down to the cafeteria to see if Joanna was there. And sure enough, there she was, at the table she was sitting at two days ago when she was eating her dinner. Relief washed over me, and I suddenly felt a little happier.

After I got my food, I turned around and saw she was looking at me. I smiled and walked over to her. "Good morning."

"Morning." She chuckled. I sat down and smiled at her again. "I was lonely without you yesterday." I cooed. She raised her eyebrow at me, her lips twitching up into a small smirk. "You've known me for two days." She laughed. I blushed, realizing I probably just came off as clingy and weird.

"I-I know, but you're...like...the only p-person here that...like...I-I dunno." My blush got worse as I started mumbling towards the end. She laughed slightly. "Your face is redder than a tomato right now." This did not help the blushing. At all.

"Thanks." I grumbled sarcastically, keeping my head down and beginning to eat. "So...um...what happened?" I asked quietly, still not looking at her.

"What are you talking about?" I knew she knew what I was talking about. I glanced up at her. "Why were you kept in your room all day?"

"Oh. I had a freak out." She shrugged, acting like it was nothing.

"What's that mean...?" I raised my eyebrow. She took a bite of her oatmeal before speaking. "I had an "episode". I'm bi-polar."

"Oh." I nodded. "What'd you do?"

"Freaked out." She muttered.

"Because you didn't take your meds...?" I bit my lip.

"Yes. Because I didn't take my stupid little pills that these dumbfucks are forcing me to take so that I'll be completely out of it and drugged up." She spat. I was a little taken aback; I didn't know if she was mad at me for being nosy, or if she was mad at the workers and doctors. "I don't like being drugged out of my mind. I like being aware of what's going on around me. And these asshole doctors think that if they drug me, all my problems will go away." She looked away from me the entire time, her eyes fixating on everything else in the cafeteria. "But they won't. So I don't really see the need to take them."

"But, if you don't take them, doesn't that make your episodes happen more often...?" She looked at me, and I shrunk back a little in my chair. She looked annoyed.

"I personally don't see any difference when I take them and when I don't. I think no matter what, even if I took them, I'd still have an episode here and there. So there's no point to take them, in my eyes."

"Well, it is your body," I decided I would agree with her, so maybe she wouldn't be annoyed anymore. "nobody else knows what truly goes on with it and your brain but you"

"Exactly," She nodded. "I don't want to put that shit in my body, and make it fuck with my brain, when I can function just fine without them." I nodded my head too. We ate in silence for a couple minutes before she spoke up again. "So what do you have to do today?"

"Meetings and therapy," I shrugged. "What else." She nodded. "I think you and I have two meetings together today."

"Try not to get kicked out of them today." I joked. She snickered. "I'll do my best."

We finished up our breakfast and headed to the first meeting we had together. The other one was later in the day, right before dinner.

"Hello Nick,." Lisa smiled at me. I smiled back and nodded before taking a seat. She was always the one who did the morning meetings.

"Joanna." She said wearily. Joanna paid no attention to her, just took a seat next to me and folded her hands in her lap.

We waited for everyone else who was supposed to be in the meeting to get here, and then we started the joys of talking about our feelings and lives, and listening to other people's stories. A few people talked and answered questions before it was Joanna's turn.

"So, Joanna, I heard you had an episode last night." Lisa said. Joanna just nodded, not saying anything. "Would you care to explain what happened?"

"I had a bi-polar episode." She said simply. Lisa blinked when she didn't say anything else. "...What happened?"

"I flipped out. I was happy one minute, then furious the next. So they decided to lock me in my room for a day."

"What did you do?" Lisa pestered her.

"Freaked out." Joanna was becoming annoyed fast, and I knew she was probably going to get kicked out of this meeting too if I didn't say something.

"Well, what do you mean by-"

"I don't think she wants to talk about it." Lisa looked at me and stared for a second. "She had an episode, I'm sure some of the people in this meeting know what that's like and what happens when you have it." And as if to prove my point, a few people nodded their heads.

"But she should talk about it," Lisa smiled slightly. "That's what these meetings are for. If you don't talk about these kinds of things, and why they happened, they stay bottled up inside of you."

"I was laughing like a fucking maniac and felt like I was on top of the world one minute, and then I was threatening to kill everyone in the most brutal way possibly, and said I was going to burn this piece of shit down," I looked over at Joanna, and I could practically see the steam coming out of her ears. "I did it because I don't take my meds, because I don't need to take them."

"But that's where you're wrong; you do need to take them, Joanna." Lisa said sternly.

"So I can be in loopy-dee-loo ville, high off my ass? No. I don't want to be drugged up." Lisa nodded. "That's understandable. Maybe we'll give you some lower strength medications that won't affect you like that, yeah?"

"Sure." She said in a bored tone. I leaned back in my chair, feeling the awkwardness in the air practically choke me.

"So, Nicholas," I looked at Lisa, and smiled a little. "How're you feeling today?"

"Good." She smiled. "How do you feel about this place so far?"

"Ummm...it's not bad..." I heard Joanna trying to stifle her laughter. "It's gonna take some getting used to...that's for sure." She nodded. "And how are you dealing with your depression?"

"It's fine," I said softly. I noticed Joanna look at me out of the corner of my eye. "I take my meds."

"Do you feel lonely at all?" She asked.

"I mean, I miss my family and friends, yeah...I won't be able to see them for two months...so I feel a little lonely." I frowned. "And, I mean...I'm going through a divorce, so...that doesn't help, either...with the loneliness..." I trailed off, looking down at my hands for a second before looking back at Lisa, who smiled softly. She was about to speak again, but I felt a hand go on my shoulder and squeeze it slightly, and I looked over at Joanna.

"You've got me, kid."