Would You Love Me, Would You Hold Me?

***Joanna's POV***

Nick looked at me after I said that, a shocked look on his face. A smile slowly grew on his face as I patted his shoulder before putting my hand back in my lap. I only smiled slightly back. I focused my attention back on Lisa, who looked extremely surprised that I could even display some sort of kindness.

I don't blame her, though.

We went through the rest of the meeting as we normally did, Nick sitting there and twiddling his thumbs with a small smile on his face the entire time. When it ended, everyone walked out, and I was about to, too, but Lisa called me back.

"Hm?" I asked. She smiled at me. "Joanna...that was extremely nice of you to say that to Nick." I chuckled slightly. "I know what it's like to be alone in a place like this, and to be depressed. That's why I did it."

"I'm proud of you, Joanna. That's...I think that's the first display of some sort of sympathy, or affection towards anyone I've seen from you. I think you might be starting to change." I shook my head. "Just because I told the kid he's got me, doesn't mean I'm turning into Mother Teresa." Her smiled faltered a bit as my regular attitude came back into play.

"But, I just think....." She put her smile back on, and shook her head slightly. "Nevermind. Enjoy the rest of your day, Joanna." I raised my eyebrow a bit at her, but then nodded and turned around to walk out of the room and back to my own.

I will admit, the rest of the day was kind of a bore. In the second meeting with Nick, he didn't say anything to me. And at dinner, he didn't mention what I said to him, we just talked a little.

...Maybe I scared him?

We were in the lounge/"recreation" area now, sitting on the love seat and talking. "So um...I wanted to wait until we were here to bring this up..." I nodded at him, and he smiled. "I just...you made me feel better with what you said today. A lot better."

I smiled slightly. "I know what it's like to be in here and feel like you have no one...hell, I don't have anyone in here." I rolled my eyes slightly, and Nick's smile fell. "I just...you're alright, Nick. And I don't want you to feel like I do every day. I honestly don't think you belong in here."

"I don't either," He sighed. "But my friends and family wanted me to come here to "get help", and to learn how to deal with my depression, so...here I am."

"How long have you dealt with depression?" I knew sooner or later, we would start asking these types of questions instead of the normal "get to know each other" ones we had been asking. He frowned a little. "Since I was like...20." He paused for a minute. "I.....also kind of have a drinking problem." I nodded, and he looked ashamed to admit that.

"How long?"

"Couple years." He mumbled. "I just don't know when to stop. And me being drunk, plus my depression, doesn't mix well. Shit," He ran a hand through his long black hair, glancing down at the love seat. "that's how I ended up in here."

"Because of alcohol?" He nodded. "What happened?"

"...How'd I try to kill myself?" I nodded. He hesitated, keeping his eyes on anything but me. "If you don't want to tell me yet, it's fine."

"No, it's...I've just...I haven't talked about it with anyone yet." I nodded, resting my elbow on the top of the love seat, my head resting in my hand. "I'm going through a divorce, you know that...and since that, everything just started spiraling down, and things were only seeming to get worse, and so one night, I kind of...fell off the wagon." He gulped and I kept my eyes on him. "I'd been sober for about...3 months. But with everything going on, I slipped up. I was home alone, and said, "You know what? Fuck it. Fuck everything, I'm getting drunk." So I went and bought alcohol, brought it home, and did just that. Welllll, like I already said, being drunk and depressed doesn't mix well..."

"Trust me when I say I know." I smiled a little, and he gave a small smile back. "Continue."

"So, after I was way passed the "tipsy" phase, I was just laying in bed, thinking all about how my life had gone to such shit. And how...it seemed I was losing everything I thought would last. And the more I thought about all the bad things, the worse my depression got. And I was just laying there, thinking, "Nothing's gonna get better. There's no use trying to make it through this. Everything just fucking sucks, and I don't have any fight left in me to try and make it out of this shitstorm alive." And then it just got to the point where I was so pissed off and angry at everything, and I just decided to give up..."

"How?" I asked quietly.

"I overdosed on my anti-depressants." I nodded in understanding. "I was stupid enough...or maybe smart enough, actually, to post a picture of a bunch of pills on Twitter, with, "Goodbye" as the caption. And one of my friends in Arizona called an ambulance for me and sent it to my house."

"Wow," I murmured. "That's a really good friend." He smiled a little. "Yeah...him and his friend kinda helped get our band signed, and got us a producer they worked with to work on our first album." I smiled and nodded. "But yeah. Thankfully I'm still here. And in a weird way, thankfully I'm here, or else I'd never have met you." He smiled.

"Are you trying to woo me?" I chuckled. A slightly blush tinted his cheeks, but he tried to hide it by flipping me off jokingly and smirking.

"So, if you don't mind me asking...why have you been in here 4 times in the past year?" He asked, his eyes sparkling with curiosity. I chuckled and smirked. "I'm very...well, I wouldn't say unstable. I'm just...I don't feel like I'm wanted here." His eyes turned sad, and a frown overtook his features again. "Or needed. I know my family's sick of me, that's why they just keep throwing me in here instead of trying to help me themselves, my "friends" all abandoned me, practically all guys are afraid of me because of how I am and all of my "problems", and Jesus, anytime I tell them about my past...they run away like a frightened little kid who just saw a scary halloween mask."

"I promise I won't do that." He smiled barely.

"Well," I sighed. "I'll try to keep it short and sweet. I was a good kid up until I turned 13. That's when I turned into a huge terror. I started disobeying my parents all the time, basically I gave them hell. And I've been giving them hell ever since then. I started hanging around with the "wrong crowd" in school, and got into all the stupid shit. When I turned 14, I ditched my own little party my family was throwing for me for a stupid party one of my girlfriends was having. Got shitfaced and lost my virginity that night bent over a dryer to a guy who was 18." His eyes widened. Big shocker.

"After that, I became the school whore. Slept with probably 20 guys during my whole year of being 14, would get drunk every weekend, and I ran away from home a bunch. By 16 I'd already been pregnant 2 times, miscarried the first and aborted the second. One night, I was sick of being broke, so I had the genius Idea of becoming a prostitute. That lasted a week...what else..."

I almost wanted to laugh at the look on Nick's face. I could tell he was trying to just keep his expression neutral, but shock was written all over it, plain as day.

"I was a pot head through-out 17 and 18...that was fun, not really...stripper at 19, quit that when I turned 20...prostitute again at 21, did that for 4 months, got pregnant again, another abortion...yeah. My family was begging me to stop everything, especially my parents. I didn't, basically told them to fuck off. Got into a huge fight with my mom once, and tried to kill her. Oh, I was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder when I was 20, diagnosed with depression when I was 17. I've tried to kill myself way too many times...well over 10, my first attempt being at 20."

I stayed silent, and he only stared at me. "Is that it...?" I nodded. "Pretty much. Oh, I did coke as a recreational drug, sometimes ecstasy too."

I watched him as he gulped, nodding his head and squirming a little in his spot. "Yeah. So how do you feel about me now?"

"I don't feel any differently." He said quietly. I scoffed. "Come on. You've got to be thinking, "Oh my god, what a slut.", or, "She's a horrible person.". Something along those lines. Right?" He shook his head.

"No. I don't think any of that. I think you just had some problems, didn't deal with them in the best way possible, and that's that. That's in your past. I'm assuming you don't act like that now..." I shook my head. "Haven't drank for a year, haven't touched any drug for a year, haven't had sex with any guy for 2 years. None of it's appealing anymore. Shit, nothing's appealing. Life isn't appealing. I don't want to live, there's nothing for me to live for. That's why I keep ending up here." I snorted.

"Well see, that's just your past. Everyone has a past, everyone makes mistakes. Some have a past that's a bit more...wild than others, and some make more mistakes. But you learned from them, so I don't think you're horrible."

"You're the first." I sighed.

"People are stupid if they get mad, or whatever, over someone's past." He shook his head. "You can't change what you did, you can only try not to do it again. And you're not doing it again, and that's all that matters."

"Yeah..." We both looked over at one of the worker's who was saying it was time for us to go back to our rooms. We got up, and he smiled awkwardly at me. "And as for you not wanting to live because you have nothing to live for?" I nodded once. He stepped forward, wrapping his arms around my shoulders in a hug, surprising me.

"We've got each other to live for now." He whispered.