You Suck at Love

I stole my little sister's make-up discreetly, like I did every once in a while. Damn, Owen left a huge ass hickey on my neck this time. Normally, I'm the one sucking his neck, but last night got a little out of hand.

Owen is one of my best friends. He's obnoxious, annoying, ridiculous, and hot. We became friends freshman year just by fate. We really don't have much in common other than we like to fool around with each other.

Owen's gay, but he's not out of the closet. I'm the only one who knows, and he only told me because at one point he had a huge crush on me.

I've never had romantic feelings for my friend, but then again, I've never had romantic feelings for anyone.

Feelings of lust rise in me whenever I see a person who I think has attractive features, like they belong in a piece of artwork, but I have no real desire to be with a man or a woman. I have never had a crush on anyone.

With Owen, I was honest - I didn't like him like that and I probably never would. Harsh, I know, but I'm not really a sensitive guy. He accepted that, and after a long period of awkwardness, we moved on in our friendship. I promised not to out him, and we've been cool since then.

Messing around with him came a little later. He told me that he wanted to be sure that he was gay, that it wasn't just hormones or weird thoughts in his head. He wanted to experiment, and since I was the only one he felt comfortable being gay around, I figured out he wanted to experiment with me. It didn't really bother me as much as it should have. I guess at the time I just thought of it as trying to help my friend better understand himself. I have yet to understand my sexuality, if I even have one.

What started as one kiss grew to a kiss every once in a while, to longer hugs and lingering hands, to tongues and... well, you get the idea. We both figured out he was definitely into boys, but the fooling around never stopped. I think in a way, he feels comfortable when he does it, that he can be his true self in front of someone. As for me, well, I just enjoy the sex.

I'm not a whore. I've only been with Owen, and like I said, I don't get romantically involved with anyone. I just enjoy what we do. I don't think that's wrong. He's my best friend, but when we fool around, it's no strings attached. He grew out of his crush on me, but you'll always be attracted to an old crush. He's had many crushes after me. I always make sure he's fine with what happens, and he is. I can't really explain how this works out, but it does. At school, he's Owen, my straight best friend, and at home he's Owen, my gay best friend with benefits.

I do hope he finds someone else who makes him happy because I know I'm not enough for him. He needs romance. He needs love. He needs someone else to share his double life with. Maybe he's getting bored with me. Maybe that's why last night's hookup got so out of hand. Maybe he wants to change things up. All I know is that I can't give him what he wants.

"JUDE! ARE YOU UP?" My mom's shrill voice echoed through the house.

"YES, AND SO IS JASMIN." I replied. She reminded me I had an hour to get ready and head off to school.

I groaned at my reflection in the mirror. My skin was unusually pale, I had dark circles under my eyes from lack of sleep, my hair was spiking out all over my head, and of course there was the hickey on my neck. I took a shower, brushed my teeth, and attempted to cover up the hickey with Jas's make-up. Luckily, the warm shower brought some color back to my skin, so the make-up was less noticeable. It somewhat bothers me that I even know how to put on make-up, but that's what happens when your sister needs a female figure in her life and your mom is always 'busy'.

I applied black eyeliner and combed my hair. My wardrobe consisted of black clothing and jeans. I wore eyeliner, I had black nail polish, I had long black shaggy hair, fingerless black gloves, and black boots. To top it all off, I had a bad attitude and didn't like talking to people. I've been called a goth, I've been called an asshole. I hate stereotypes. I'm just Jude.