You Suck at Love

I felt really bad for offending Jude yesterday. After all, he was only trying to help me.

It's hard being friends with him, to be honest. He really does have some big flaws, but they fit him so well that you can't even call it a flaw for him. He can have anything he wants and nobody will openly judge him. He can dress how he wants, talk how he wants to whoever he wants, date who he wants. He's skilled in school and art, and everyone respects him, even if they think he's a little weird.

I've never had that feeling that people respected me. I'm not the type of person that people take seriously. My friends would make fun of me and say "they were just teasing me", but it still hurt the same way it hurt when my brother would make fun of me... the way my brother...

I shook my head. Thinking of my brother was only going to put me back in my pissy mood. Instead, I wanted to think about the things that make me happy, and even though that wasn't much, someone that usually got me to forget about my problems was Jude. And I wanted to show him that I did think of him as a friend.

"H-Hey, Jude," I spoke up during chemistry. He looked up from his notebook at me. He had stopped paying attention to the teacher and was sketching again. Today's subject was a girl that I didn't recognize. "Yeah?" He stared at me.
I tried to calm down, but he just made me so nervous. I always made myself look like a fool around him.
"I was wondering if, maybe, you want to go shopping for art supplies? I wanted to get some more of those Smencils... the colored pencils this time. And I think I saw that there were Smencil pens now."
His face broke out into a smile. "Sure!"
I blinked, not expecting such an excited or instant response, but I smiled anyway and felt myself relax.
"How about tomorrow, since it's a Saturday?"
"Okay, I'll meet you at your house and we can take the bus downtown."
I just nodded. He went back to his notebook, frowned at his drawing, and turned the page to start a new one.
I turned my attention to the chalkboard, but school was now the last thing on my mind.

I drifted through most of the day on a cloud. At lunch, I was in the library looking at some manga. Manga are Japanese style comic books, and you read them from right to left. It makes me a bit of geek, but I really love reading manga and watching anime (Japanese cartoons). I love the storylines and the drawing styles. They are much better than a lot of the cartoons on TV in the US. I picked up the next issue of Death Note I needed to read and flipped it open. Approaching voices interrupted me though - it sounded like Jude and Gwen.

"...So are we on for our scary movie marathon tomorrow?" Gwen said in a low tone."
"Yeah su- oh wait, I can't. I made plans." Jude replied.
"You made plans? Since when?"
"Since this morning."
"Oh really? With who?"
"Jonah."

I grinned. My book was forgotten now. I leaned closer to the bookcase to hear them. They were most likely facing the bookcase in front of this one.

"What could be so important that it takes first place to watching movies with your best friend?"

Best friend? I let out a sigh of relief but quickly covered my mouth. I thought they were dating - it made sense seeing as they lived together now, and a lot of people had been spreading rumours about them and Owen. I'm not usually one to listen to rumours, but I don't know much about Jude or his friends, so I don't have much to go on.

"We're going to Blick's for art supplies."
"And that's more important than watching movies with me?"
"I agreed to go with him before I remembered that Saturday was our movie marathon. I'm sorry."
"It's no big deal, Jude. I'm not entirely offended that you picked some boy over me."
"You sure sound offended."
"I'm kidding. It's called sarcasm. I'm glad you and Jonah are getting along - you need more friends that aren't jerks."
"Are you calling yourself a jerk?"
"I was referring to Owen. You know I don't like saying anything mean about people, but I've disliked Owen for a long time."
"Why didn't you say anything?"
"Because he was your best friend, and you and I weren't very close. I didn't want to make you mad."
Jude was quiet for a moment. "I guess even if you had said something, it wouldn't have mattered. I'm not good at getting rid of toxic people. You know how long it took me to get out of that relationship with Dahlia."
"Now that woman was purely... uhm... wrong for you."
Jude chuckled. "Is that your way of swearing?"
"Don't tease me, Jude." He laughed again. "So, what are you going to wear on your date?"
"What date?"
"Your date with Jonah."

I froze. It wasn't a date... I hadn't meant for it to be a date... I was just... hanging out with a friend... that I just so happen to have a crush on. Really, it's not a date at all.

"It's not a date."
"Oh please. He invited you to do something that he knew you would love, and he only invited you."
"How do you know no one else will show up?"
"He isn't friends with anyone else yet."
"He's friends with you."
"No, you're friends with us, and Jonah and I are polite with each other because we share a common friend."
"You're being ridiculous, Gwen. If you want to join us, then you can come."

No, she can't! Jude, what are you doing?!

Okay, it's not that I don't like Gwen - she's very nice, but I'd much rather just spend time with Jude. Is that too much to ask?!

"Don't invite me on your date, stupid! You'll only make a fool out of everyone!"
"It's not a date!"
"Ssh!" I assume the librarian came by to scold them for speaking too loudly. I brought my book back up to my face when I noticed her walk by. When she was out of range, they started talking again.
"I will not be a third wheel."
"Alright, fine. Don't come. I thought you said it wasn't a big deal."
"It isn't. I'm not mad because I can't go, I'm mad because you're too dumb to see what's right in front of you: Jonah likes you-"
"As a friend, so let's drop it."

They walked over to a table and sat down. I sighed sadly. Even if Jude did know the truth, I can tell he wouldn't like me back.

That Saturday, Jude showed up and we took the bus downtown to Blick's art supplies store. When we got inside, he was like a kid in a candy store. I couldn't believe how happy it made him just to look at everything and plan what he would create with it. I really didn't understand all the excitement. I figured a pencil was just a pencil, but they had a whole aisle of different pencils sitting there. Jude saw that I wasn't enjoying it as much as he was, and I admitted that I didn't see the point in having a thousand different pencils or twelve shades of green in three different brands of paint. He looked disappointed. He then decided to take me around the entire store and explain the "awesomeness" of everything.

It. Was. Exhausting.

I tried to just smile and look interested, but he was driving me crazy. I really don't understand why one sketchpad is better than another, and since I can't even draw, I don't see the point in it!

Once we left the store and Jude had huge bags of supplies and canvas to keep him happy for weeks, I just came out and said it.

"Sorry, Jude, but I can't get excited about a store full of art supplies. Art is your special talent, not mine."
He frowned. "Well, what's your special talent?"
"I don't think I have one." I shrugged.
"Everyone has a talent, Jonah."
"Are you sure? 'Cause I've gone years without being good at anything."
He looked at me, then grinned. "Well, we're gonna try to fix that today."
"What?"

He grabbed me by the arm and dragged me around downtown. Apparently, he was on a mission to find out what my talent was, and it felt like the whole event was just a clumsy montage on a bad TV show. We went to a clothing store to see if I was good at fashion. I'm definitely not - I live in t-shirts, flannel shirts, and jeans. I only made a mess of the clothes racks and we got kicked out. We tried going to the music store to see if maybe I was a musician... we had to end that attempt before I broke any instruments. Then passed by a park where a bunch of guys were dancing.

I'm clumsy.

Why on earth did Jude think that was a good idea?

An hour and a half later, we were both exhausted. We sat down at a coffee shop.

"I told you I don't have a talent." I groaned.
"Maybe your talent is being clumsy." I glared at him. "Or, maybe you just haven't found it yet. I used to think my special talent was..." He stopped.
I looked at him curiously. "What?"
"No, it's embarrassing."
"Well now you have to tell me!"
"No way."
"Oh come on, Jude. You dragged me all around downtown to embarrass me - you can't tell me one little humiliating fact about yourself?"

He smirked at me, making me practically melt in front of him.

"Alright, I guess fair is fair, but to be honest, you embarrass yourself all on your own most of the time."
I rolled my eyes at him.

"Alright... when I was little, I used to think... I thought that my kisses were magic."
"...What?" I laughed.
"I thought my kisses could make people happy. Don't laugh!"
"I'm not laughing". I bit my lip.
He frowned but continued talking. "My mom used to read my fairy tales where the heroes could save the day and make everyone happy with a kiss, and I wanted to be like the heroes. So if anyone was sad, then I could cheer them up with a kiss. When my mom was upset about something, I'd give her a kiss and she'd call me her little hero. When my sister was little and scraped her knee or something, I'd kiss it and make it better."
"How cute!"
"Then, when my grandma got sick, I tried to make her better by giving her a kiss... but it didn't work. She died, and after that, I just kinda gave up on the whole magic kisses thing."
"That's the sweetest thing..." I said, looking at him sadly.
He shrugged, looking a bit sad too. "I was just a little kid."
"I think that kid's still inside you. You're still a really nice person, Jude, and you do have the power to make people feel better."

He looked up at me. A half smile sat on his lips. I returned the smile. I barely noticed myself leaning in closer to him. I thought I saw him move in closer too, but it might have just been my mind playing tricks on me. I sat on the edge of my chair and set my arms on table, praying that our lips would meet.

My prayers weren't answered.

My stupidly clumsy body knocked over my cup of coffee, making it spill across the table. The piping hot liquid splashed Jude's chest and pants. He jumped up, swearing. A waitress came over and helped wipe off the table while I pathetically apologized to Jude. He muttered something before heading to the restroom.

"Stupid stupid stupid Jonah." I hit myself on the forehead.

"Rough first date?" The waitress asked me.
"No. We're just friends, and with my luck, he won't even want to talk to me after this."
She gave me a sympathetic look as she cleared away the table and left.

Crap crap crap. Jude's right - my special talent is clumsiness. I'm such a spaz - I can't do anything right. I've never been good at anything. My brother was the one that everybody loved, the one that could do anything and everything perfectly, the one that could never do anything wrong.

But he did so many wrong things that no one else knew about.

Things no one would believe if I told anyone anyway.

Jude came back with a grimace on his face. He looked like he was in pain.

"Are you... alright?"
"I'm fine." He winced.
"Please don't lie to me."
He half-smiled. "You burned me with coffee."
"I'm so sorry."
"Maybe we should head back home."

I nodded. I grabbed his bags and we went to the nearest bus stop. The ride back was unbearably silent. We got off the bus.

"I actually had a pretty good day." He smiled.
I blinked. "Really?"
He laughed. "Yeah, it was fun."
I smiled. "Maybe we can do it again sometime. I promise not to spill anything on you again."
"Where's the fun in that?" He laughed. Jude laughing - it wasn't something I was used to. I liked that I could make him laugh.
He waved as he walked off towards his house.

"H-Hey Jude," I called out absentmindedly. He turned around. "I'll... I'll see you on Monday."
He smiled. "See you Monday." He walked away.

I crashed on my bed when I got home. He may have said he had fun today, but I know I made a fool of myself as always. I'll always been an embarrassment. No one will want me. I'm not meant to associate with someone as perfect as Jude.

Or someone as imperfect as my brother.