You Suck at Love

I didn't reject him. I ran away from him before he could hurt me. I know, that makes me a coward, but I never said I was strong. I can't handle getting my heart broken again.

Dahlia really messed me up because I had no idea that she was lying to me the whole time about loving me. She cheated on me so many times and I was happily oblivious and naive to the whole thing. I didn't even find out the truth from her. Owen told me, but I didn't believe him. When you love a girl as much as I did, even your best friend can't snap you out of it. But he kept telling me that she was cheating on me, and I started to get really mad at him and stopped listening to him until he promised not to bring it up again. We were just at the movies one day when we ran into Dahlia making out with some other guy. And she didn't even try to hide the fact that she cheated on me. Actually, that was when I found out about most of her other guys and what she did with them. I was just another one of them. After that, there was yelling. Lots of yelling. We caused a huge scene. I stormed out, and I can't even remember where my anger took me after that, but I know that in the end I had Owen by my side, trying to cheer me up.

I never had any romantic feelings for Owen. I wasn't sure I could have those feelings for anyone after Dahlia. But I really wanted to move on and to be happy. Maybe that's why I let things get so intimate with Owen, but that wasn't love. I wasn't attached to him at all that way. Maybe that's what made it so easy for me to stay in that situation - I wasn't the one getting hurt.

I don't want to love anybody again. I'm not sure that I can. I'm sure I would be terrible at it. Everything kind or caring that I feel will go towards my friends, and anything romantic I had was run over by a truck of a whore before. I'm not capable of expressing normal emotions anymore.

I've been called scary. I've been called heartless. I've been called apathetic, unemotional, rude, mean, a jerk, a jack-ass, a dick... the list goes on. It's what I am now. And I don't want to hurt Jonah like I know I will. I don't want to be in a relationship, and I definitely don't want anyone to get hurt. So it's just safer not to let anything happen.

I'll apologize to Jonah, but I can't let things go any further.

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Jude rejected me. He rejected me. I knew that kiss was too good to be true.

But I mean, how can you say that you find me attractive, then freaking kiss me, and then leave me standing there...?

That was the best kiss of my life. My entire body warmed to his touch. And you know that feeling where you're so nervous and excited at the same time that you feel like your stomach is going crazy and you just might throw up? Yeah, that was me at that moment. And now I just feel like shit.

I never expected to get a guy like Jude. He's too cool for me anyway, too amazing... I'm just awkward little Jonah. And right now, awkward, broken little Jonah is gonna go home and feel like shit there.