You Suck at Love

There was something wrong with Jonah. He was always tired, dragging his body through the hallways without even glimpsing at who he might bump into. I tried saying hi to him, and I thought he was just ignoring me, but it's as if he's ignoring everyone.

I also think he's ignoring his own body too. He's gotten ridiculously skinny, and he was basically a stick before. His skin wasn't tinted with pink anymore - I never see him blush lately. He looks... dead. What's going on with him?

When the bell rang for our lunch period, I blocked his way to the cafeteria. He rolled his eyes and tried to step around me, but I wouldn't budge.

"Ugh, god, what do you want?" I groaned.
"I want you to talk to me."
"About what?"
"About what's going on with you."
"What are you talking about?"
"You're a walking corpse - something is wrong with you."
"Even if that were true, I really don't think it's any of your business!"

He was stubborn. Fortunately, so was I.

He was so light that I was able to actually pick him up and throw him over my shoulder. He complained at first but gave up, knowing he didn't have much of a fighting chance. I carried him into the gym locker room. The guys were already in class by now, so I sat Jonah down on the bench and stood in front of him. I stared down at him, and he stared down at the floor.

"Jonah, what's wrong?"
"Nothing, Jude."
"Don't lie to me."
"I don't have to say anything to you!"
I sighed and sat down next to him. "Just because I said... just because I-"
"Just because you rejected me-"
"Doesn't mean we can't be friends."
"Uh, yeah, it kinda does mean that, Jude. It's really awkward talking to you right now. You want to know what's wrong with me but it's just not your business."
"Can I make it my business?"
"How?"

I bit my lip, leaned forward and planted a gentle kiss on his lips. It was short, but it was something I'd been wanting to do ever since the first kiss. Distance really does make the heart grow fonder - the more that Jonah avoided me, the more I wanted him. It's driving me crazy how badly I want him, but I really need to push those thoughts aside - something's wrong with him and I want to help him.

He shook his head and pushed me away. "No, Jude, don't do this to me. It isn't fair."
"I want to try again."
"You don't get a second chance." He glared at me, tears brimming his eyes. "You rejected me, and I'm coping. You can't just decide you want to try again." His phone buzzed in his pocket. He took it out, checked whatever was on it, and sighed. "You shouldn't have kissed me."

I know there could have been a million reasons why I shouldn't have, but all I could think about was what was on his phone. "Are you dating someone?"
He looked at me, almost laughing. "No. I just don't think it's a good idea for me to get mixed up with you again. I mean, I am kind of seeing someone..." he trailed off.
"That's good."
He didn't answer.
"So, it's not good then?"
"Jude..." he sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "I've moved on. I've got a whole other life right now."
"But it's killing you. Just look at yourself, I can see it in your eyes - you hate what you've become."
"Oh and you don't?" His chuckle broke with his voice cracking.
I stared straight into his eyes, taking his hands in mine. "I could never hate you. And I can't believe you would ever hate yourself, either."
He turned his head away. "Y-Yeah, well, I guess you don't know that much about me."
"Then help me learn." He looked back at me. "Talk to me, Jonah."
He sighed. I was still holding his hands, but he didn't seem to mind.
"Okay," he nodded. "Okay, I'll talk to you. But you have to promise to listen, not talk. I don't want you to judge me."
"I'm in no place to judge anyone."
He rolled his eyes. "Do I really need to tell you that you aren't a worthless piece of shit? Because you can't think that about yourself if I can't think that way."
I laughed. "Okay, so maybe I'm not exactly worthless-"

He shoved me, and I fell off the bench, over-dramatically.

"Ow, oh I think I've broken my hip. And my arm. And my ankle. Oh, Jonah I think you better carry me everywhere from now on. After all, it was your fault that I got hurt."
He shook his head and smirked at me. "You are such a drama queen."
"Drama king," I corrected him.

I stood up and brushed myself off. I offered a hand to pull him up, to which he looked at it and hesitated before taking it. I pulled him up and he jumped right into me, making us stumble back against the lockers. I could feel his breath on my face and my mind was back to racing again. My blood was pumping and I felt a nervousness I hadn't felt since I first fell for Dahlia.

I didn't want to compare Jonah to Dahlia - that's like comparing an angel to Satan. But I knew I was falling for Jonah - hard. Maybe it's payback for turning him down when I knew I had feelings for him then, too. I just wanted to avoid getting hurt again, but I'm not sure I can avoid it this time. After all, both of us grew pretty apathetic after we grew apart as just friends.

His eyelashes fanned his face, fluttering over his bloodshot eyes. His nose curved perfectly so that it wasn't awkward with our faces this close together. And his lips, the ones that have plagued my dreams for weeks, soft, pink, and gentle.

My hands crept into his hair and pulled his face closer to mine. He told me I shouldn't have kissed him before. So I'm leaving it up to him to decide if we should kiss again. Barely an inch of space between us, and I was waiting for him.

"This is gonna be really complicated," he breathed, the hot air hitting my lips.
"I don't care. I want this. I want you."

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That should have changed everything. That should have been what made me want to quit everything and start taking care of myself again, to stop whoring and to force myself to eat more and to get sleep and work harder in school and write more songs and especially try harder with Jude. But it didn't. It didn't change anything. Even after the most wonderful kiss of my life, nothing had really changed. I was still a prostitute, I was still vomiting whenever I ate more than a sandwich, I was still exhausted, I was still getting borderline C's in all my classes, I still hadn't felt inspired to write any songs, and no matter how hard we tried, Jude and I both knew this was going to be majorly complicated.

We ended up ditching school. It was already 6th period and our last two classes didn't matter. I guess I should have gone since I was close to failing, but I really didn't want that stress nagging at me again.

We went to Jeff's Restaurant. I really wasn't hungry, but I knew Jude had already noticed how skinny I was. He probably wouldn't let me leave until I ate something.

He ordered us both house burgers, which were notoriously huge. He wasn't going to make me eat the whole thing, was he?

I watched him take a bite of his burger. I looked down at my own. It was massive and greasy. I couldn't eat this - it would ruin my body. I needed to stay fit for my clients. Oh god, how's Jude gonna react to my prostitution? He's gonna be so pissed. He'll yell at me, he'll never want to talk to me again. I'll ruin everything. I can't do anything right.

"Need some help?" he asked, pointing to my burger.
I chewed my lip. "I'm not hungry."
A sad look crossed his face. He really wanted me to eat, didn't he?
"You're trying to fatten me up."
"The better to eat you, my dear."

I frowned. It was all gonna come back up later anyway. I picked up the beast of a burger and took a bite, feeling the grease and the mayo slide down my throat. The hot meat warmed my tongue and attacked my every taste bud. I threw the burger down and took a huge gulp of water. Jude looked so disappointed. I didn't want to disappoint him. I picked up the burger again but he placed a hand on my wrist.

"You don't have to eat that."
"Don't you want me to?"
He shook his head. "I should have asked you what you wanted to order."
I shrugged. "I wouldn't have gotten anything then."
"Jonah, what's going on with you? I've never seen you like this. This can't just be between us. What else has happened to you. Is everything okay at home?"
"God, you sound like a guidance counselor."
"I'm just worried about you." He was, I could tell by the worry lines on his face.
I sighed and started picking at my burger. "What if... what if what you're good at... is something that you hate?"
"It's possible. My mom was a prodigy at playing the piano but she hated it with a passion. She said it was too structured and stuffy and she only did it because her mother wanted her to. When she quit going to lessons and tried to play guitar, my grandma was furious. And my mom wasn't even good at playing guitar. But she didn't care because she was doing something she loved. And it even helped her meet my dad."
"Really?"
"Yeah. At an open mic night in college. Her band was performing and my dad was part of the tech crew, and no one could figure out why the sound was so horrible coming from the speakers. Turns out my mom was really just that bad at playing. But my dad thought she was pretty and free-spirited, and they hit it off."
"That's really cute."
"Yeah..." He looked at me, then his eyes widened to baseballs. "Dude, when did you eat that thing?!"
"Huh?" I looked down at my plate. My burger was half gone, and I barely remember picking it up!

"I... I don't know when that happened."
"Were you eating while I was talking? I didn't even notice."
"Me either." But my stomach did feel fuller and the burger taste was swimming in my mouth. "Maybe you're a distraction."
"So... you can only eat if someone's distracting you?"
"I guess so."
He smiled. "Like that episode of Cory in the House?"
"What?"
"There was this show where this little girl refused to eat her vegetables - all she wanted was fries. So the chef tried a bunch of ways to make the food more appetizing, but in the end, the girl ate her vegetables when she didn't even know it - when she was watching the chef make a fool of himself. So she only ate her food when she was distracted."
I blinked. "I can't believe I'm acting like a little girl."
"It was just a TV show."
"Whatever." I looked at my plate. 1/4 of the burger was left and that's all that I could stomach. I felt the food churning in my gut. Please don't throw up, please don't throw up, please don't throw up...

"You wanna get out of here?" He asked me.
"And go where?"
"I don't know. You wanna head downtown?" I shook my head. "Wanna walk through the park?" I shook my head again.
"I really just want to lay down somewhere. I'm not feeling too good."
He nodded. He left money on the table and we walked out.

My stomach was mad at me, the sun was blinding me, and I was way too tired to stay upright. I closed my eyes tightly and leaned against a wall for a second. I sensed Jude stand next to me. He grabbed my hand and squeezed it. That actually helped. I opened my eyes and chewed on my lip. I had to tell him something. He was probably ready to turn me in to a hospital by now.

I was lifted in the air for the second time today. He picked me up and carried me bridal style, and he started walking again.

"I can-"
"Shut up. No you can't. You looked like you were going to be sick."
"But I-"
"Don't fight me on this. I'm taking you to my house. Nobody will be home yet, so you can lie down and take a nap if you want."

But I had to meet my client today. It was Mr. Elric, or Jason as he wants me to call him now that he's my only client. I supposed I could lie and say I had homework, or be somewhat truthful and tell him I wasn't feeling well. He texted me in the locker room, and again at the restaurant. I could feel my phone buzzing again in my pocket but I didn't want to read it. And most importantly, I didn't want Jude to know about it.

I closed my eyes and tried to forget everything for a while, just focusing on how warm and comfortable it was to be in Jude's arms. I must be skinnier than I thought if he can just lift me so easily.

He carried me all the way back to his place. He set me down so he could take out his keys and let us in.

"You can go lie down on the couch if you want."

I didn't protest. He wandered off to who knows where as I settled down on the cool leather couch. It was so soft and squishy, better than my actual bed.

Jude showed up again, standing in front of me. I looked up at him. He held a cup, a spoon, and a small bottle of something in his hands.

"Sit up." He ordered.
I did as he said.

He poured liquid out the bottle into the spoon, then brought it to my mouth.

"What is it?"
"It'll make you feel better."
"But I don't feel-" he forced the spoon past my lips. I reluctantly swallowed the gross liquid and made a face. "What did you just poison me with?!"
He rolled his eyes and handed me the cup. "Here."
"Nuh-uh. I'm not taking anything else until you tell me what it is."
"It's ginger ale. I didn't want to upset your stomach."
"Oh." I drank some. "I'm not sick."
"You aren't healthy."
"You don't have to do this."
"Yes I do." He stared at the cup. I sighed and finished it off, handed it back to him. He set it down on the table and sat down next to me. I lie back down on the couch, my head now resting on his legs. He stroked my hair, which was lulling me to sleep.

"Well?"
"Well what?" I asked.
"I asked you a question."
"Oh, I didn't hear you. What did you say?"
"I said, we are dating now, aren't we?"

I froze. More than anything I wanted to be with him. But I was so messed up now. I was selling my body, and I couldn't even eat without vomiting. Something was wrong with me. If I thought nobody would want me before, Jude certainly wouldn't want me now.

"If you want to."
"What kind of answer is that? Of course I want to. I'm asking if you want to be with me."
"Yes."
"Then why don't you seem happy?"
I sighed and rolled over on my back so I could look up at him. "It's not your fault. I'm just... not in a happy mood."
"Is there anything I can do?"

No, I need to do this on my own. I needed to force myself to eat more, and I needed to end things with Mr. Elric. And there was no way I could let Jude know about it.

More than anything, I wanted to be happy with him. I was tired of screwing up my life, and I was hoping I could still turn things around. I remember when Jude tried to help me find out what I was good at. Somehow, I got into thinking I was good at being a prostitute, but it's slowly been sucking the life out of me.

"I need to work things out on my own," I looked up at him. He still seemed worried, but I pressed my lips gently to his to reassure him. "I'll let you know if I need you."
"You won't even have to ask. I'll be here for you."