You Suck at Love

I sat next to Jude in first period - something I hadn't done in the months that I wasn't speaking to him. Sitting here now feels like I never left, like I was meant to be by his side.

We had a substitute today and everyone was given worksheets to finish. I started on mine, but Jude had already flipped to a clean page in his sketchbook, so I gave up on the assignment and started watching him sketch. After a while, the guy in the drawing looked more like me - the current me. I was practically a skeleton on paper, but Jude still put the same care and detail into it like he did with all of his art. I've never seen much of his work - mostly just the sketches he's done of me that he always says are incomplete but I never see how. I'm sure he's found something much more appealing to sketch anyway.

He looked up at me for a second and blushed when he noticed I was watching him. He tried to play it off by going back to work and saying "Why are you being such a creep?"
"I'm being a creep? You're the one whose drawing me."
"Yeah, well you're watching me draw you."
"Shouldn't I be concerned if some guy is drawing me?"
He laughed, the blush still bright on his cheeks. "I guess you should be... if the guy wasn't me."
"Oh yeah? What makes you so different?"
He blushed an even brighter red. "Well, if it's just some guy drawing you, he might be a creeper. But if it's me drawing you..." he trailed off, too embarrassed to finish.
"If it's you...?"
He shook his head. "Nevermind."
"No, say what you were gonna say!"
He rolled his eyes and went back to drawing.

He really bothered me sometimes. I didn't want to push him because I know how easy it is for him to be angry. I don't think he'd ever take it out on me, but I don't wanna find out, anyway.

Watching him work so flawlessly made me think of my "talent", and how it needs to end. I guess it was stupid to think that my talent might be sex and prostitution, but I haven't found anything else that suits me, and Mr. Elric, or Jason as he wants me to call him, seems to think I'm very talented. He was the dominant one, but he rarely gave me any instruction. He said I seemed to know what I was doing. He liked that I was skinny and flexible, easy to pick up and manipulate... He even called me beautiful. That was the last word I would use to describe me. My body is disgusting. I don't know how he can stand to look at it.

It doesn't matter. I'm stopping this today. Keeping my job while dating Jude would feel like cheating. Plus, Jude's already pointed out that it's not good for my health - I'm always tired, I've lost too much weight - I can't even eat.

I was going to call Elric during lunch, but as soon as the bell rang, Jude grabbed me and started dragging me towards the cafeteria.

"Jude, let me go."
"No. You're not skipping out on lunch. I need to see you eat something."

I froze. He's going to make sure that I eat? He's going to watch me? Oh god, what if other people watch me eat, too? They'll all be looking at me, my hideous body trying to choke down food and then spew it all over the table-

"J-Jude, let me g-go!" I dug my heels into the floor and tried to pull out of his grip, but I was still pretty lightweight. The heels of my shoes just skidded across the floor as he pulled me closer to the cafeteria.

I was freaking out!

"I can't eat the school food - I'm sure to puke!"
"I made a lunch for you. Nothing big, just enough to keep you from starving."
"But Jude-"
"I need to see you eat! Jonah, you know I'm worried about you!"
"I know but-"
"You're gonna waste away to nothing!"
"But-"
"Jonah please!"

We were almost through the doors. I panicked - I bit his hand, snatched my arm out of his grip, and took off down the hall before I even heard him cry out in pain.

I kept running through the school, nearly blinded by my tears. Jude was gonna hate me, all because I freaked out like a wuss.

I found a dark and dusty hallway. I think this is the older part of the school that nobody really uses. The bathrooms looked dirty but untouched for ages, and brooms were falling out a closet. I walked to the end of the hall and had to push hard to open the doors. It was an old gym, smaller than the main one we use now. There were boxes piled all over the chipped floor. The wooden bleachers were pretty much demolished. They must just use this place for storage now.

I climbed over some weak gymnastics equipment and started rummaging through the boxes: extra balls, out-of-date textbooks covered in graffiti, cafeteria trays... and sound equipment? I didn't even know we had a music department. Or maybe it was for assemblies. Either way, it was a cool find. I pushed the speaker over to the outlet and plugged it in and it worked. I found a mic, and the red light flashed when I turned it on. Why wasn't anyone using this? It was too cool to go to waste here.

Holding the microphone reminded me that I haven't written or sung any new songs in months. I might stink at it, but it's still what I love to do. I usually write about what's going in my life, but I can't do that now. It's embarrassing, and who's gonna relate to a skeletal teenage gay prostitute? Absolutely no one. I mean, I might still try writing something even it no one will understand it. I hardly get any good feedback on my songs so I guess it doesn't really matter if the song sucks or not.

I put everything back the way I found it, even though I planned on coming back here. I stood, brushed the dust off my pants, and was about to leave when I remembered that I still needed to call Elric.

I dialed his number and he picked up after the first ring - that meant he wasn't busy and was probably waiting for me to have free time to see him. I'm ashamed to even know that.

"I was just thinking about you," he answered in a lustful voice.
"Mr. Elric-"
"Jason."
"...Jason. Listen I need to talk to you."
"Oh, can't we talk later? The only sounds I want to hear... are your moans when I thrust into you."
I shivered as if he was breathing down my neck right now. "Mr.- Jason, this needs to stop."
"What does?"
"This. I can't keep doing this with you. I'm quitting."
"Wait a second, you're quitting... me?"
"I'm giving up prostitution. It's not right for me and there are better things out there for me."
"You don't have to convince that you're too good to be a whore. I knew that from the beginning."
"...W-what?"
"What I don't understand is why you've suddenly changed your mind. You seemed to think that there was nothing better out there for you, and now you magically think you're too high and mighty to give a good fuck?"
"This isn't about a career. I'm not quitting because I've gotten better job offers - I'm quitting because it's destroying me. Because of you, I'm even more self-conscious than I was before. This is killing my self-esteem and my health."
"Don't blame me for that - I didn't tell you to lose weight, and all teenagers hate their body. You should be more appreciative considered I paid you so generously and always tried to satisfy you. "

I couldn't believe this - it was like he didn't even care what I was going through. He knew I was getting too skinny and he didn't try to stop me. Well, fuck him. I mean, I won't, because this is over.

"When I hired you the first time, I asked you why you were doing this. You told me that you just wanted to feel appreciated. Didn't I make you feel that way?"
"My boyfriend appreciates me so much more!"
There was silence. Then, "You have a boyfriend?"
"Yes."
"While we were-"
"No, we just started going out, which is why I'm leaving you. He hates what I'm doing to myself, and I don't want to cheat on him either."
"He knows about your prostitution?"
"No, but he knows that something's wrong with me, and I'm going to fix it before he finds out what."
"I don't see how you doing your job means that your cheating."
"Well, I quit my job and you can't do anything about it."
"Oh, I can't?"
"I'll tell the cops that you've been involved in statutory rape, and I have proof - I have our texts, and my brother's a witness. Face it, this whole thing between me and you is over."
"Jonah, you've been with me long enough to know that I'm a stubborn man who never takes no for an answer. Nobody quits on Jason Elric."
"Well, I guess I'm nobody." I hung up.

It was nerve-wracking, but now that it's over I feel so much better, like a weight has been lifted. Maybe things would get better for me. I already have Jude - that's made things much better.

Crap! Jude! I've got to go apologize to him.

I ran to get to the cafeteria, in a much better mood, but halfway down a hallway, I got dizzy and lightheaded. A sharp pain ripped through my abdomen. I doubled over in pain - god I am gonna throw up. I didn't think I could make it to the bathroom or a trashcan, but then thankfully a janitor walked by with his cart. I puked in the trashcan on his cart. My head was pounding and my body was overheating - it was going into overdrive. I gripped the edge of the trashcan tightly before my body gave up and I passed out.